[Mr.Detail]

Hello all!
This is my first post to this forum and I hope to glean some good advice from all of you. My wife and I are born again Christians and have a 4-1/2 yr. old adopted girl from birth. We have been praying lately about the right timing for telling her that she is adopted and we believe the time is right now. My question is just simply what methods have worked well for any of the adoptive parents on this board?

Our daughter has several adopted friends from different ethnic cultures and we have a couple of books that we have read to her over the last 4-1/2 yrs that have adoption themes. I am just a little nervous of the obvious, (rejection of us) as her parents even though she is only 4-1/2 yrs. old. She is very bright and has been asking us more questions lately than ever about such things as where do babies come from and where is her adopted friends daddy (single Mom adoption).

Any suggestions and advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance.

[loveajax]

Mr. Detail, I am glad that you think now is the right time. My husband is an adoptee and says he really appreciates never remember being "told" he was adopted, it was just something he always knew (I'm not exactly sure how old he was when his parents told him?).

I don't know what kind of pictures/info you have about your dd's birth parents. Maybe you could start out by reading her one of the books that discusses adoption and somehow work the story of her birth/adoption in there.

I have talked to DD about being adopted since she was in infant - - it was more for me to "practice" how to handle conversations! She "sort of" gets it (she is now 3.5), but not really. We don't talk about it on a daily or weekly basis, but she is now able to echo some of her own story back to us. I always tell her how much her birth parents love her (I haven't gotten into "why" she was adopted....just not "there" yet agewise).

Don't worry about rejection!! You and your wife are her mom and dad. She may show some "sadness" over learning about this...I'm not sure. She may just think it's totally "fine" since she has friends who also are adopted, etc.

Best of luck to you!!! Don't be nervous...you can do it, and it will be fine!!! Oh, I also have a book that I think is pretty helpful called, "Talking to Young Children About Adoption." You may want to get that too! It's some "real life" stories from adoptive parents about how they talk to their kids. Good luck.

[dragonfly1234]

Welcome Mr. Detail!

Loveajax gave you some really good advice and the advice of a really good book to read.

Like Love we have never made it a secret to our son and we read many books to him.

Last week our son who is 4 1/2 decided to ask me out of the blue "how do babies get out of your mouth?" Okay so here I am trying to come up with something simple for a 4 year old to understand. So I begin the discussion but found I was not getting it right because his next question was "how do they get out of your feet?" So obviously I am doing really bad at how babies are born. But then he asked how he was born and it just fell into place and we had a simple conversation about his adoption and he asked a few questions and then he was like okay....thanks mom ...lol(his new favorite thing to call me...not mommy).

One thing about kids...keep it simple but they will come back to you later with more questions when they have time to think. He hasn't yet but I am ready when he has more. I do realize that we will have many more questions when he starts pre-school next week and very much more when he starts Kindergarten next fall. I am ready and I know that you will do just great with talking to your daughter.

Good luck!

Sincerely,
Michelle

[bajj]

I'm with the others, we've always discussed adoption. My 4 1/2 year old asks more questions now and my 7 year old has specific questions about it. We just answer on their level.

Just make it a matter of fact and not a secret type thing. You could say, "we are going to share how you became our daughter with you." It is her story, so make it as positive and matter of fact as possible.

[rredhead]

DS has always known that he's adopted. We have a picture of his birthmother on our refrigerator, and he sang "Happy Birthday" to his biological aunt.
It's best when kids know from birth. Sorry, had to say it.
I put together a story book for my son, that basically goes through:
Max & Robyn wanted to be parents.
S was going to have a baby she couldn't care for, so she chose M&R.
M&R went to (State) to meet S and her family.
Jack was born.
We went to a hotel first, then home, where the family welcomed Jack.
We all came back to (State) so the judge could make us a forever family.

Joanna Cole's book "How I Was Adopted" is a great book, as it does cover the "where babies grow" question.

Good luck!

[dstoeck]

It's good that you are going to be open with your child, but a little bit of a shame that you have not made her story a part of her life until now. But you are loving parents and you made a decision that you felt was right...so considering this I have the following recommendation:

Find an opportune time to sit with your child with photos of her birth or the first time you saw her. Simply look at the photos as you would any other photos but be sure to add things like "this is when we first me you!" Something like "Your biological mommy really loved you so much. She knew that she couldn't take care of you so when she asked us to be your parents we said "yes! WE'd love to be [child's name] parents!".

just be natural. Maybe my script is not so appropriate, but basically, be open and honest as much as you can with a 4 year old. My dd asked a lot of questions at that age (she's 8 now). Although she knew that she did not come from my belly, she started asking why she didn't come from my belly. So we just added to her story with the fact that the woman that carried her in her belly wasn't living a good life and knew that she couldn't take of her very well. We made sure to let her know that the decision to not be her mommy was a very loving decision. That she loved her so much and wanted her to grow up to be such a good person that she decided to allow us to be her parents.

Good luck. I think this part is the hardest with regard to explaining adoption to our children. Now we just build on it just about every year when she asks more questions and we try our best to answer as honestly and truthfully at a level we feel she can understand and accept.

[snuffie]

Hi
Thought I would chime in here. I'm an adoptee and I, too, always appreciated the fact that I could never remember when I was "told". It was just another part of my life.
I think with children the simpler the better is the way to go. And like the others have said they can think about it and if they have questions ask them as they come up.
Also, I know with my own kids- if I had to tell them something important - for instance an upcoming surgery etc. - they would pick up on my feelings very quickly. So I would try to keep it as "no big deal" type of thing making sure that they know that their first mom loved them very much.

Best wishes to you.

Snuffie

[jalapeno]

I often tell my family stories with photos. I've got a ton of them on the wall and I have a small photo album devoted to each child that has pictures going back to when they were newborns (I keep those albums in with their other books). And everyday I spend a little time telling family stories. If I see my daughter looking at a photo on the wall, I'll say something about it - "oh, that's your Grandma when she was just a little girl!" and I'll tell a story about Grandma. And the adoption stuff fits into that. Today I was sitting at my desk with my DS (20 months old) and he pointed to a picture. It was a picture of the family taken outside the courthouse when his sister was adopted. So I told him a brief story about that day. Of course he doesn't understand the word "adoption" as a 20 month old. But I think understanding will gradually come as I keep talking to my kids. And as they get older, I'll add more and more to their stories. My MIL is also putting together a book for each child that tells a short story of how they came to be in the family. They aren't just about adoption but of course that's mentioned. And those will go on the shelf with the other kids books. So the story is available to the kids whenever they want it. And DH and I will read those books to them and continue talking to them in little bits about our family, our past, their past. I think they need to know the subject of their adoption is like any other piece of our family history. It's there for them any time. It's a celebrated and wonderful aspect of who we are as a family. It's a part of all of us.

My kids are all younger than your daughter. But I think if I were in your shoes, I would just mention it. Use a prop like a photo and say "hey, I just found this photo of us on your adoption day!". And then I'd kind of let it go for a day. Then mention something else. Just start bringing it up here and there. She's not going to understand "adoption" at first. I would just get her used to hearing about it. And then sit her down for a more complete version of the story. If you treat it as something that's ok to just bring up any old time, I would think she'd feel ok in doing that too. So she can then start to ask questions when she has them. Best of luck!!

[blminter]

some great advice i'll be taking has been suggested. we too have had photo albums of the time from birth until she came to live with me at 6months. it has pics of her with her foster mother, who she calls foster betty.

there are photos with me and her at a visit trip to Guatemala at age 3 months and with families also on their visit trip.

i have a lifebook developed for her age level, that we keep in the living room so she can look at it whenever she wants.

this past summer, before she turned 3, she told me a classmate's mom had a baby in her tummy. i took the opportunity - and it was scarey- to tell her she grew in blanca's tummy (her birthmom's name). she looked up at me and asked "did I tickle her?" i said, "yes you did". she giggled at that.

i realize that it's hard for me to say, "when i adopted you" or "you are adopted". i'm really focusing on starting to use that word, because someone is going to say it to her really soon. i want her to be ready.

our fears usually far outweigh reality. in this as in most of life, i've found.

[Slatond10]

My DD is 4... like pp said, It has never been a secret but I also don't push the converstion. I did make an adoption story book (included first , foster and forever family pics) and have read ( paraphrased versions) of it to her a couple of times. She is proud of the book and gladly shows it to others but shows very little interest in it otherwise.

So I agree "now" is the time. DD (4) has started asking some very simple questions..
where did u buy me?
where did I come from?
Questions our difference in skin / hair color?
etc..

I am the kind of person that "overthinks", "over-analyzes" and over explains But I agree with previous posters.... sometimes the simplist explanations are the best and answer her questions as they were asked.

I have made b-family contact and hope to travel to visit her b-family in the future. So I do feel I need to step up the conversations so she is prepared. So like you wish I had a magic handbook on how to handle this!

Good luck

[McNally720]

Hi Mr. Detail! There are some great ideas here!! The idea of our daughter's adoption has always been "out there", and she got more of an idea about how it all happened when we welcomed her brother home this year.

Sometimes when we are cuddling/saying good night, I'll just add, "I'm so glad we are a family/that we adopted you" or things to that effect.

Now, at 3.5 she she sometimes sticks something under her shirt and says it's a baby. We talked about how she grew in J's belly (her bmom) and then we adopted her. Now she will tell that info to me, so some how our conversations have sunk in.

I would be casual, see what she asks and follow her lead! Good luck!

[aspenhall]

I agree with simply starting to make comments about her birth family, or the day the judge made us a family...

Or you can exclaim in a hug about how happy you were that bmom chose us to be your parents.

Then the seeds are planted, and there never is a "discussion" per se. Just questions being answered naturally just like you would about things like dinosaur bones and skies being blue...it's another new thing to learn about.

Plant the seeds of questions by making comments...when she speaks of someone elses adoption or first family, go on to tell her some small thing about her birth family as well....she'll get it without ever needing to be told....and she may assume already that ALL babies are adopted.

I know my dd is wierded out that her friends only have one mom, and they don't have a birth mom like she does....

My dd was 3.5 when we adopted her, so she KNEW it was happening and went through it, and totally remembers everything mostly.

Be sure not to perpetuate any adoption stereotypes. Don't say it if it isn't true. My dd has had to deal with the idea that her mom didn't want to be a parent anymore and found a new family for her.

Not every bmom has the same reasons for placing. Be sure of those reasons before attempting to explain them. It's ok to say that you don't know.

[HotNostril]

I never made a big deal out of it and began telling mine when he was about 3 and a half years old. He saw a pregnant lady and I told him she had a baby growing in there.

Later that night while he was in the tub, I asked him if I ever told him the story about how I got to be his mommy. He said no, of course. I proceeded to tell him the lady whose belly he grew in, wasn't able to take good care of him. I told him hpw she loved him very much and wanted him to have a really good mom so she asked me if I wanted to be his mom.

I embellished alittle here.... and I replied NO WAY! I don't want a baby! But then she handed me the most handsome baby boy I had ever seen. I looked into your face and you looked in mine and smiled. I knew right then I wanted to be your mom more than anything else in the world. I told him, I was in love right that minute.

He loved the story and asked to hear it often. As he grew older he had a few more questions. I answered them very simply and matter of factly.

I think it's important that you have friends with adopted children too. We know lots of families that look like ours.