[Crissy011]

Okay, so I have a crazy question. My pre-adoptive son has only been with us for a few months. He is 7 years old & I have no prior experience with little boys. Anyway, my 9 year old daughter tells me today, in front of him, that he tells her that some other boys are "hot." I ask him about this and he says, "I do." He says he also thinks some girls are hot as well as some boys. So, I say "So, do you think you'd want to marry a boy or a girl?" He says "I don't know, a girl?" He doesn't have a lot of "feminine" qualities, except that he likes to dance (loves music), which isn't really all that "feminine." I'm wondering if little boys are just silly like this or if this could mean something more. Have any of you had a son that said things like this around this age?? Any thoughts? Thanks!

[Lorraine123]

He is only 7 and probably doesn't even know what "hot" means.

[Crissy011]

You think? Like I said, I'm not sure how to take it just because I don't have "little boy" experience. I would have thought that most boys that age would be grossed out by saying other boys are cute (yeah, he used that word too). Maybe that comes later??

[Crissy011]

Oh, also, he kept saying "God made me that way." He foster mom before me had a very close gay couple (women) as friends that also babysat & I'm wondering if she had conversations with him about being gay & it being how God made you....only because I thought that was a strange comment for a 7 year old.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by Crissy011

Oh, also, he kept saying "God made me that way." He foster mom before me had a very close gay couple (women) as friends that also babysat & I'm wondering if she had conversations with him about being gay & it being how God made you....only because I thought that was a strange comment for a 7 year old.

Well..it's true..God made him. And your foster/adopt son is who he is. Whether he's straight, gay or bi-sexual, he is who he is. Knowing a gay couple or having a gay babysitter can't change your sexuality. Playing with dolls or dancing and dressing up can't make you gay just like playing sports can't make you straight. At 7, he likes what he likes. I doubt it has anything to do with his sexuality. There are some children who recognize they are somehow "different" at a young age but that's not always the case.

My (almost 2) year old foster/adopt son plays with purses, dolls & strollers. Making him play with trucks when he wants to stroll his baby would make him frustrated but it would NOT make him straight. He will be how he will be.

It's best, for your little one, to not focus on who he'll want to marry. Just let him feel his feelings. But be ready and willing to accept him regardless of his sexuality. You can't change who he'll love-regardless of how you parent him. If he feels you don't approve of him, he'll try to hide his feelings or bury them deep and this will result in more problems for him. You want him to be happy, right? So tell him you'll love him no matter who he marries.

[Crissy011]

Kat - I'm definitely not saying that his babysitter made him gay at all! I was just saying the whole "God made me this way" comment could have come from that...especially since they never went to church and were not very religious.

[lucyjoy]

LOL-this is just little boy stuff. He likely hears his sister say certain boys are hot and just copies it. They don't get to "gross" until around 4th grade.

[Crissy011]

Thanks for your responses! I worry also because he was abused by his mom & I hope that isn't playing into this. He is in therapy & I guess I can bring it up with the therapist...but I didn't want to overreact if it was just little boy stuff. I actually just talked to my husband because I was concerned that he would have a problem with it. Basically, because he is having difficulty bonding with him due to behavior issues as is. My husband assured me that he isn't concerned and we will cross that bridge when we get to it...if we get to it. That makes me feel better.

[Lorraine123]

I agree - at this point (any point actually) just love him and let him feel free to be whoever he is.

[EZ2Luv]

Just little boys stuff. Believe me, he probably has no idea what it really means. He might have heard an older kid use that expression and decided he would too.


EZ

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

Well..it's true..God made him. And your foster/adopt son is who he is. Whether he's straight, gay or bi-sexual, he is who he is. Knowing a gay couple or having a gay babysitter can't change your sexuality. Playing with dolls or dancing and dressing up can't make you gay just like playing sports can't make you straight. At 7, he likes what he likes. I doubt it has anything to do with his sexuality. There are some children who recognize they are somehow "different" at a young age but that's not always the case.

My (almost 2) year old foster/adopt son plays with purses, dolls & strollers. Making him play with trucks when he wants to stroll his baby would make him frustrated but it would NOT make him straight.

It's best, for your little one, to not focus on who he'll want to marry. Just let him feel his feelings. But be ready and willing to accept him regardless of his sexuality. You can't change who he'll love-regardless of how you parent him. If he feels you don't approve of him, he'll try to hide his feelings or bury them deep and this will result in more problems for him. You want him to be happy, right? So tell him you'll love him no matter who he marries.

I MUST AGREE....I must ask only one thing...What is the issue...Do you not LOVE him regardless of which sexual behavior he was blessed with?????????? I always told my son(29 yrs.old) I do not care whom he decides he wants to become or whom he becomes it with....AS long as he is happy! A mother can always look into their childs eyes(biological or otherwise) and tell if their child is happy. Sexual behavior, color, and material , made no difference to me...I only want to see in his eyes he is happy. I wish you much luck...just love him...no matter what...isn't that what WE all want?

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by Crissy011

Oh, also, he kept saying "God made me that way." He foster mom before me had a very close gay couple (women) as friends that also babysat & I'm wondering if she had conversations with him about being gay & it being how God made you....only because I thought that was a strange comment for a 7 year old.

I doubt he has any notion of the implications you're projecting on what he's said. It seems more likely he's just mimicking some stuff he's heard.

On the other hand, if he really did understand what he was saying when he said "God made me this way," then I'd have to say he's got a pretty good point.

I don't think it means anything, but it's a good time for you to consider this: Would it matter if he is gay? You've been given an opportunity to consider how you'd handle this news if it's ever delivered in earnest.

[Crissy011]

Cetalley - I guess I was just wondering if this is little boy stuff or not. There isn't really an issue...except that I was worried that it could have a negative effect on my husband & his relationship since the bonding/attachment is a challenge for my husband already. After talking to my husband about it, I do feel better knowing that it wouldn't.

[Boulderbabe]

I am gay, so maybe I can lend a little perspective for you, Crissy.

First of all, boys who have "feminine" qualities aren't necessarily gay. It probably means nothing, actually---kids don't yet know all the social rules about gender roles, so they just play with whatever seems interesting, no matter if it's "feminine" or "masculine." When my son was two, he used to tromp around in my high heels. It didn't mean anything about his gender--he was just playing at being a grownup.

But even if your son was doing a lot of pretending to be a girl, and so on, it doesn't mean he's gay. Most gay people are very clear about whether they are male or female. (I'm about the girliest girl around!). That's because gender identity and sexual orientation are different things: the majority of gay people are very clear about their genders, they just like to date people who are the same gender. People with gender identity issues, on the other hand, can be gay or straight, but they feel like their physical body and their 'real' gender don't match. So it's two separate things.

Gender dysphoria, where somebody is one sex but feels like they are really the other, is very rare. Unless you have a lot of reasons to think your son has this problem, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

There is one thing you should think very hard about, though. Are you ready to love this kid for who he is, however he turns out? If you can't love him whether he's gay, straight, smart, dumb, sane, crazy, green, purple or polka-dotted, you should really re-think your adoption. You can't just "bond" to him if he's your dream child, and reject him if he isn't. No kid turns out exactly as we plan---you gotta love them anyway.

[Crissy011]

Boulderbabe, there is NO WAY he will be my "dream child" and I'm okay with that. As I stated, this is a new situation & we are still trying to figure out whether or not we are the right family for this little boy. I will be totally honest with myself when it comes time to make that decision. I think the question should be "will I care about & parent this child to the best of my ability no matter how he turns out." The answer to that is "absolutely." I don't know if I will "love" him someday...I certainly hope so!! My very best friend is gay & I love her & her girlfriend to death! However, I have also seen the negative affect this has had in many aspects of her life. Most of all, people turning their backs on her & treating her differently - including many in her immediate family (She was married to a man previously). My concern would simply be that I want the best for my children. Being gay still is not accepted by many & it makes life that much harder. I wouldn't want to see my child go through the hurt. Although, of course, I would want my child to be happy & be honest with themselves, no matter what that means.