[VeryBlessed05]

My husbands parents can be nice people, but haven't always been nice to me. They tried to break up our marriage, and have pretty much just tolerated me from day one. They have been flat out mean and disrespectful. They don't respect my home, or my wishes regarding my child, and have put my child in dangerous situations. They have talked and continue to talk behind our backs. I have always respected them, because they are my husbands parents, and have always felt that if any thing needed to be addressed it would be better off coming from my husband as oppossed to me, however my husband never says anything. I don't believe they are a positive influence on my child, so I am very nervous when they are around him. They are nice some of the time, but there are so many times when they are not. What do I do? My husband thinks I should just grin and bear it pretty much.

[rredhead]

You need to tell your DH, in no uncertain terms, that his parents' behavior is NOT OK, that you are his wife, and that he needs to respect you and your feelings and boundaries. He needs to talk to his parents. If he can't, then I'd suggest some counseling for you both, but beyond that, I'd just tell the in-laws that they are not to come to your house and you will not visit them, period.
I don't mess with my kid's security. My dad, for example, shouldn't have had the kids he did, let alone be left alone with my son for more than a few minutes at a time. He's a great grandpa, but he lacks good judgment (like the time he put my son in the trash to tamp it down - Jack was 18 months old).
You really need your DH in your corner. I hope that happens for you!

[HappyTwinsMom]

We've had this same issue - and DH's parents (dad & stepmom) are NOT allowed to be alone with our children. We simply cannot trust how they would talk or behave around the kids. DH's dad has always had issues with me - probably because I actually speak up and don't let him be the "last word" about every single topic in the known universe...LOL! DH and I discussed this situation early in our marriage and he has had to, in no uncertain terms, lay down the law with his dad several different times. Along the lines of "this is inappropriate behavior, language, etc. and will NOT be tolerated."

Good luck to you!

[Biblemom]

My MIL has caused difficulties between my DH and I as well. Her husband passed away in 2001 and since then she has not been stable and has put my children in dangerous situations as well. After MANY discussions between my DH and I he is just now seeing things for what they are. I think it is hard for a child to see their parents for anything but perfect. DH was in denial for a long time. He has just in the last three year laid boundaries and started backing me on things. MIL is no longer allowed to have the children in her home or for over-night visits.
It took DH a lot of time. I am sure it was a difficult feeling to be pulled in two directions by the women he loved most. I wish you well.

[MamaS]

You are a wife and have to be gracious to your husband's relatives, BUT you are also a mother and have to protect your child. That includes protecting him from their language, attitudes, prejudices, etc.
That said, what's the problem with using the baby to tamp down the trash? Provided there are no needles or broken glass, it was probably fun -- like stomping grapes in a vineyard!

[melissa_bear003]

I could write about my inlaw issues...well, I have in another thread about some issues with bfamily inlaws...but unfortunately, my dh didn't luck out when it came to his amom either. She's....difficult to say the least. She lives in another province, and visits here for a month - 6 wks (staying with other relatives, thank heavens!). Year before last, I banned her from our home for the majority of her visit. She had told a lie to me about my husband that was so highly insulting to him, and me, for no other reason than to attempt to screw with our marriage. She was actually upset that I'd had the NERVE to tell my dh what she'd said!

Things are...more settled now. Sorta. I still wince when I see her # on the Caller ID, and rarely answer it. I honestly don't have the energy to deal with her hysterical attention seeking behaviour, and insist on maintaining boundries with her...and she hates that. She thinks she's entitled to know EVERY detail about our lives...which she then gossips about to extended family, her church, strangers in the store, etc.

Gah. Sorry to have gone into a vent. Believe me, I know your pain, and hope you're able to work something out. Your dh ABSOLUTELY needs to step up and speak, or you'll just be the evil DIL. Trust me, btdt.

[HappyTwinsMom]

or you'll just be the evil DIL

YES!!! What I've said to my DH is "Your parents will ALWAYS love you, but I will be the big bag meanie who made everybody miserable." He's gotten it all along with his dad and stepmom; making baby steps toward understanding it with his mom (who loves lives with us!).

[zxczxcasdasd]

Tell your DH it's time for him to "man-up" and as the protector of this family (which includes you) he shouldn't tolerate hurtful or dangerous behavior toward any member of his family, especially one he's chosen to be his intimate life partner and mother to his children. Tell him you are feeling abandoned and you need him to be your hero and stand between you and the charging animal- not watch you get bitten and tell you not to complain.

Sorry to be harsh, but I have no patience for men who refuse to stand up for their wife and kids because they don't want to face the consequences of what might happen if they do. Nothing should matter more than protecting your wife and children. Nothing.

[melissa_bear003]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

Tell your DH it's time for him to "man-up" and as the protector of this family (which includes you) he shouldn't tolerate hurtful or dangerous behavior toward any member of his family, especially one he's chosen to be his intimate life partner and mother to his children. Tell him you are feeling abandoned and you need him to be your hero and stand between you and the charging animal- not watch you get bitten and tell you not to complain.

Sorry to be harsh, but I have no patience for men who refuse to stand up for their wife and kids because they don't want to face the consequences of what might happen if they do. Nothing should matter more than protecting your wife and children. Nothing.

I agree with you, but there's also something to be said about learned behaviours and coping skills.

My MIL's family all take a tolerant, "Let it go, or she'll throw a fit." approach. They either indulge her demands (I don't know of anyone else that can call and announce that their plane is arriving on X day, they'll be staying for x# of weeks, and oh btw, staying with YOU.)

Dh learned to do the same. Comply (or appear to) ignore, and wait for her to move on to something else.

I'm not the type to let bad behaviour be rewarded so that was an adjustment.

[ourdreamcametru]

We have the VERY same situation and have been married almost 21 years. For the most part I do just as you said, tolorate it because it's hubby's parents. I have never and will never leave them alone with my children and I do have to say that hubby has backed off on wanting to go visit, they live 45 minutes away.

[VeryBlessed05]

"Tell him you are feeling abandoned and you need him to be your hero and stand between you and the charging animal- not watch you get bitten and tell you not to complain". I love that. It is so true.