[Mommyofthreetobe]

Okay...so as you can see, Im new here! We passed our home study in December, we have been matched and are expecting a placement at the end of May!! (we decided to wait untill the end of the school year)Foster-adopt track- although the kids are not leagally free yet, but reunification is not happening. Im so extreamly excited! We met them for the first time last weekend. Im so in love!!! We are expecting a sibling group of three. (seven: female, five:male and three: female) My DH and I have never been parents before and we have a few basic questions, like how in the world do you set up family rules?! The five and three year old have a LOT of energy. They might get into trouble...the seven year old Im not as worried about. Shes very quite. Five year old has some anger issues.

We thought about writing the rules down and making a poster. Although I doubt the five year old and obviously the three year old can read. plus we dont want thier first impression of the house to be that there are a lot of rules. Some of the basicis: we dont use violence (hitting, pinching slapping, kicking, etc) We all go to church on Sunday. We do our homework before we can play. Bedtime is at 8pm. We make our beds in the morning...etc, etc....Im worried that if we DONT establish definate rules then we will become wishy-washy; and the kids will get into trouble not knowing what they did wrong.

I'm so scared of screwing up! My mom assures me that it will come natually when the kids arrive, but I dont know. I tend to take comfort in established plans! I also wondered about a party for when they arrive (this is and inter-state adoption) I want to invite my family and some families with kids from the neighborhood---but my case worker actually suggested holding off on that becasuse it might over-stimulate the kids. I wanted it to be a really special day for all of us. I know my family is eager to meet them. But I dont want to freak them out! Advice?

[Howdy]

My rules are:
Knock before entering the bedroom.
Don't rattle the doorknob of the bathroom while I'm in there (tho with a 3 and 5 yr old I suppose they will just follow you in anyway).

[lucyjoy]

I think you decide the rules and just give them to them as needed. And rather then "no hitting" I prefer-we treat each other nicely in this house. Instead of don't leave toys out-"pick up your toys when your finished"

I have found that how a rule is phrased makes a different. Don't implies restriction and control-some kids can't handle that thought. Do makes it an action or a coaching-it teaches but doesn't control.

Anyway, I wouldn't set down a list of rules for kids that young. I'd teach routines instead (Let's all pick up our toys now(if you weren't playing with them, it's time to pick up toys is fine) or Let's all brush our teeth(again, I would do this with kids this young so Let's is the word I'd use)

Hope that makes some sense.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

As a mom, foster mom, and teacher, I have a lot to say in this area:

First--yes, you do want to establish rules immediately. You cannot expect them to behave and "guess" at what they are and are not to do. You must set the limits early and let them know what to expect from you as consequence as well.

Second: Some rules don't have to be posted. Like the church on Sunday.....they are 7, 5, and 3 and will go where you go. Also, it does not have to be a poster (as two don't read what will size matter??). Just type and print and post on fridge. AND THEN READ THEM OFTEN.....like every morning and every night for the first week.

Three: rules need to be what you want them to DO not what you want them not to do.

For example: here are the rules on our fridge....
1. Keep hands and feet to self
2. Tell the truth
3. Knock on all closed doors and wait to be told to enter
4. Talk nicely
5. Respect all property -yours and others
6. Follow morning and night schedule
7. Bedtime (lights out) for 0-10 is 8pm and 10-18 is 9pm

We read every day for awhile and discuss why they are important and why we have them. When in trouble, we refer back to them to let them know which rule was broken and why they are getting a time out.

A morning schedule is great if they need to know what to do to be ready to go. Simple pics of toothbrushes, clothes, foods, bed, etc. and they can check mark off as they get them done. Chores are a family routine here, too, and even a 3 year old can brush the cat or use baby wipes to clean. EVERYONE lives and works under this roof. )

Good Luck!

P.S. A party where you are the star but all of the guests are strangers (that know each other but not you and you don't know them) is NOT fun. Imagine starting a new job and being nervous about your first day only to arrive and find EVERYONE's eyes on you and a party in your honor. Too much. Introduce them to people in small doses and then when all those people arrive at the party (in a month or so) they will know the guests and it will feel much more natural and fun.

Kim

[Mommyofthreetobe]

Oh, thank you guys! That made a lot of sense. I see the importance of phrasing it in POSSITIVE language rather than dont do this dont do that...And I think you guys are also right about the routine. Some of the things would make more sense that way. I guess we had kinda thought of teh rules when we didnt know what age-group to expect.

Also about the party, xx, that was a good illustration for me! Shheeshe, when you put it that way, I can hardly figure out how I thought it would ba good idea. Id be terrified. Just cause I know and love these people doesnt mean the kids will! At least right away.

Thanks again everyone.

[HBV]

You might want to check out the "Love and Logic" discipline series by Jim Fay & Foster Cline---there's an Early Childhood one and one for older kids, you can get them both on Amazon.

A lot of the Love & Logic approach is what Kim posted above---framing the rules the right way and explaining consequences of breaking them. The books talk about how to make those consequences learning opportunities with the way that you handle it WHEN they make mistakes (and they will.)

What I think is really great about it is that it teaches children to think for themselves. Even the youngest child can benefit from it---we're using it on our 2 1/2 year old---so far so good!

I think you are doing the right thing to talk about rules early with them.

Good luck---you must be so excited.

[mrsred]

I just went through some therapuetic parenting courses. One of the "formulas" they recommended was to use what they called the L.E.A.R.N. expectations, to go over them the first day and to have them posted. Each room has it's own L.E.A.R.N. matrix. "L" stands for Listen and Follow directions; "E" is Everyone is Important; "A", Attitude is everything; "R", Respect and Responsible behavior; "N" is Never forget Safety. The matrix looks different for each room. For instance Never Forget Safety in the kitchen may say "dont climb on counters", while in the living room it is "No running indoors." Or R in the dining room may be "Please and Thank you are expected", while in the bathroom it may be "Wipe off the counter when you are done.
If you want to see a sample matrix pm me and give me your email address and I will sned it to you.
Along with the L.E.A.R.N. expectations, there are clear house rules that are posted and gone over on day one.
Also, they recommend that the child start out with No privileges, and No TV, radio, computer, etc. These are all things that need to be earned over time. It is a lot easier to add things as they have proven they can handle them than it is to take things away after they have shown you they are not ready.
Good luck!