[Erin_1712]

One of my friends say that I am "too hard" of a mother. Her reasoning is because M and I are not biologically related. Her son is five weeks younger than M and I think is spoiled. They are both bout 2.5 years old.

M has rules. Such as he must pick up his toys before meals, he has to undress himself(because he can), he has to try to put his coat on, and he has to put his bib and dirty clothes in the laundry hamper. And other tasks like that.

Her son on the other hand gets a chocolate bar for breakfast so he does not throw a fit at daycare and he has gained five pounds from this. He may be almost three but still will only eat certain things. Oatmeal for breakfast, and chicken nuggets for lunch and supper. But when he comes to my house (as I babysit him once in awhile) he will eat anything you give him. He had norma cereal, hamburger helper, an homemade fries and a burger in a bun.

Really is parenting your child so they have age appropriate tasks and rules a bad thing. M has plenty of toys and some are in his closet hiding until another time. I usually keep half put away and then switch after awhile and it is like all new toys without spending the money. Also we are deciding that from birthday/christmas we aren't going to get him mountains of toys. DH's family will do that and we would rather get something like a savings account that will not be tossed aside in a week and never be used again. Really am I a horrible parent and will "see the light" when I have my biological children?

[Empty_Nest]

Sounds like you're right on track to me.

[mrsdatabits]

From what you've said, it sounds to me that you're on the right track. I'd take what your friend says with a grain of salt and possibly think she feels guilty about something with her parenting. Perhaps talk with her and see why she feels that way besides the whole not sharing any genes thing, which as we know is a bunch of hog-wash.

It sounds like your expectations are similar to what I have for my DD, and I'm not worried about my parenting! I think a lot has to do with personalities as well. For example, my SIL is much more laid back in her parenting (and I see pros and cons to that!) while I have more structure in mine. From what I see, my DD and her cousins are loved just as much and are just as happy... but I also see where my daughter has more self discipline, can handle structure, and doesn't bat an eye at expectations while her cousins appear to be spoiled and un-disciplined and don't want to listen when the time comes (I've also seen my SIL resort to threats of punishment to get her kids to behave where as DD knows "the look" from me).

So again, from what you've told us, it sounds to me like your doing a fine job.

[Lilly's Mommy]

I agree with the others. Different moms have different styles of parenting, but it has nothing to do with a biological connection. It's a shame that your friend can't see that setting expectations for your child is actually more loving than letting them do whatever they want.

It sounds to me like you're doing a great job.

[MamaS]

I was a biological child and my parents raised me the same way you are raising your child. Rules, responsibility, reasonable expectations - the "three R's" of parenting. I also did not get a ton of toys on birthday and Christmas but did get things during the year and I do not remember feeling overworked or deprived. Keep on doing just what you are doing - your child will thank you later!

[jalapeno]

You have to do what works best for your family. I think it's possible that both you and your friend are perfectly good parents. I find myself judging the parenting skills of my friends too. It's a fun topic of conversation between my husband and I. But the reality is that I have no idea what it's like to be an actual parent to my friends' kids. I'm just not there most of the time - I maybe don't know that they've chosen not to fight the chocolate bar battle in lieu of some other more pressing goal. I have two adopted and one bio (all still very young so I readily admit I'm a new parent!) I try to be the best mama I can to each of my kids. I believe the "best mama" is a little bit different for each child because they are all so different. I can assure you it's not a matter of bio/adopted. It's a matter of knowing your child better than any other person on the planet. You know best what sort of discipline they need. You know best what it will take to keep your family happy and your home a safe haven. It's not a contest between you and your friend. And for the record I'm with you - I love rules and boundaries!!!

[KatiesEd-dad]

In my opinion (and it's just that, my opinion) a lot of society problems are because of the way your friend parents her child. Kids are not taught responsibility and discipline, they are not made accountable and it's always someone else's fault.

Whatever happened to teaching self respect and discipline? Something has been lost along the way and I see it in the generation of kids I supervise at work.

I'm not saying that one has to be a harda** about it, but there is nothing wrong with teaching your child that they must put away their toys before bedtime and eat the dinner that you prepared and all the other things that go along with being a responsible member of society. Doing it your friend's way is just lazy parenting.

<stepping down off soapbox now>

[bprice215]

What is right and wrong is hard to say, but I think your a fine parent. Kids need structure, they love discipline, they even love limitations. All are facts so I see no reason to question your parenting ability. Your friend on the other hand is a different story. Take care.
bprice215

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Erin_1712

One of my friends say that I am "too hard" of a mother. Her reasoning is because M and I are not biologically related. Her son is five weeks younger than M and I think is spoiled. They are both bout 2.5 years old.

M has rules. Such as he must pick up his toys before meals, he has to undress himself(because he can), he has to try to put his coat on, and he has to put his bib and dirty clothes in the laundry hamper. And other tasks like that.

Her son on the other hand gets a chocolate bar for breakfast so he does not throw a fit at daycare and he has gained five pounds from this. He may be almost three but still will only eat certain things. Oatmeal for breakfast, and chicken nuggets for lunch and supper. But when he comes to my house (as I babysit him once in awhile) he will eat anything you give him. He had norma cereal, hamburger helper, an homemade fries and a burger in a bun.

Really is parenting your child so they have age appropriate tasks and rules a bad thing. M has plenty of toys and some are in his closet hiding until another time. I usually keep half put away and then switch after awhile and it is like all new toys without spending the money. Also we are deciding that from birthday/christmas we aren't going to get him mountains of toys. DH's family will do that and we would rather get something like a savings account that will not be tossed aside in a week and never be used again. Really am I a horrible parent and will "see the light" when I have my biological children?

I think you are doing just fine. There shouldn't be any difference between how someone parents a child who was adopted versus a child who is biologically related. She sounds like she's trying to justify a much more permissive parenting style to you. You do what is best for your child.

[Adoption_Ally]

OH, please! There are HUGE differences in how you parent an adopted child compared to a birth child, or a child adopted at birth.

Adopted children have a variety of significant issues ranging from difficulties to bond, hidden and/or visible learning disabilities, anxiety, depression, sensory issues, health issues, and on and on and on. They may be developmentally delayed, abused, or emotionally shut down.

Way too many AP's (including me, much to my eternal pain and regret) tried to parent the same way they'd parent a bio child. Unfortunately issues that aren't resolved early on come back later with a vengence.

Whenever I talk to PAP's, one of the first thing I tell them is to assume their child will be 'special needs'. Not all adopted kids are, but it's a whole lot safer to go into it with that in mind.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Adoption_Ally

OH, please! There are HUGE differences in how you parent an adopted child compared to a birth child, or a child adopted at birth.

Adopted children have a variety of significant issues ranging from difficulties to bond, hidden and/or visible learning disabilities, anxiety, depression, sensory issues, health issues, and on and on and on. They may be developmentally delayed, abused, or emotionally shut down.

Way too many AP's (including me, much to my eternal pain and regret) tried to parent the same way they'd parent a bio child. Unfortunately issues that aren't resolved early on come back later with a vengence.

Whenever I talk to PAP's, one of the first thing I tell them is to assume their child will be 'special needs'. Not all adopted kids are, but it's a whole lot safer to go into it with that in mind.

Seriously? THis applies to this situation? I agree that there are alot of issues that parents who adopt must consider when choosing how they parent their child. But it would be regretful if IN THIS SITUATION, that the decision on how to parent was based solely on whether the child was adopted or biologically related. The issues asked about in the OP and the attitude she encountered in her "friend" were what I was addressing. It seems to me that saying that the OP is parenting with boundaries BECAUSE her child is adopted is just the other mother trying to justify her style of parenting.

Now, if she would have asked about something less general, or had stated or implied that her child had some special needs, my answer may have been different. If she had stated that the issue related to her child's situation surrounding his pre-birth history or his adoption, my answer may have been different. But to me, the OP is speaking about general parenting style issues, which to me doesn't merit as big a difference in how you parent. It's a ridiculous to think she is hard on her child (which is what her friend said) JUST BECAUSE he is adopted. Or that a biological child has more leeway in how they are parented on a general basis simply because they are biologically related. I hope and pray that boundaries and rules and responsibilities of the children in the home are all the same, regardless of how they came into the family.

[kretzklan]

I have one bio and 2 adopted. There is no parenting difference for us - the rules are the rules are the rules. Did we institute a little more structure when our kiddos came home (at 6 and 7) - yep...but they have earned the rights to have those other priveleges - just like our oldest. All my friends think I am strict - but the measure for me is that people in public tell me my children are well-behaved and enjoyable. We are not raising children - we are raising future adults...what you teach them now will dictate how they will live later. OP - you are doing a service to your child. What wonderful lessons he is learning at a young age! Cheers!

[Oceans]

OK... I have to ask. Is this true for domestic at birth adoptions? or just a generalization..

Adopted children have a variety of significant issues ranging from difficulties to bond, hidden and/or visible learning disabilities, anxiety, depression, sensory issues, health issues, and on and on and on. They may be developmentally delayed, abused, or emotionally shut down.

I actually find it hard to believe. Is there a source/study pointing to this?

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Oceans

OK... I have to ask. Is this true for domestic at birth adoptions? or just a generalization.. I actually find it hard to believe. Is there a source/study pointing to this?

Personally, I do not consider my children, both adopted at birth, to be "special needs" and they were even born with some difficult prebirth history. They might have some different needs (and I would even say will, in our situation) because they WERE adopted but in our situations, we don't consider them special needs. I would consider this a generalization.

[Adoption_Ally]

My 'oh please' was directed at the statement "There shouldn't be any difference between how someone parents a child who was adopted versus a child who is biologically related." This could be true IF the adopted child came into the home as a newborn or very young baby. However, the overwhelming majority of kids who are not newborns when adopted come with issues that have that have to be accomodated.

I do not think that children who have had a fairly intact childhood necessarily have huge problems. However, there are lots of others out there who disagree and believe ALL adopted children have significant abandonment and other issues.

There are studies after studies after studies that document how important stable and loving first months and years are in the long term health of children. Even toddlers have had major problems because of adoption.

I have seen other posts by the OP. One in particular concerned me, so I looked elsewhere to see what her other posts were about. The OP has posted in other areas information about this particular child indicating that he was not adopted at birth as a healthy newborn.

"M is 2.5 years old and he was neglected and starved as a child." "and was exposed to meth inutero"

"Actually sadly he lost three families his bio mom his foster family and lastly his aunt and none of them had any interest in bonding with him."

"I have known him for 7 months he has lived with us for 8 weeks."

"How do I get him to speak. He will just look at me and if I try to get him to say anything he just freezes and may even start to cry."

All of these comments cry out for a child who may not be capable at this time of conforming to specific rules or able to follow complex instructions.

When my son came home from Bogota at 2 1/2, believe me, I knew who was in charge! I'm the mom, and he's the child. I had an older daughter (9) who was turning out quite nicely, thank you. I knew what I was doing. And hey, if you love a child enough it will be OK, right?

I was dead wrong. To my sorrow and shame, instead of helping my son learn to trust and to cope with the changes in his life, I made it worse.

The fact is that none of us parents every one of our children exactly the same. It's impossible to do. They're different, we change. Adopted kids (and again, I'm not talking about infants here) need to have their primary caregiver understand where they are coming from and what they've been through. They're just kids - we're supposed to be the adults who are able to take care of our kids' needs.

The child in question in this thread is just a little guy! He's only 2 1/2, and has suffered neglect at the very least and possibly abuse. He's not capable of behaving the way a loved and nurtured from birth child can. Not only that, he's only been with his new Mom for a few weeks. It's going to take everyone a while to get used to each other. And it's going to take him a long time to be able to trust her. For now his anxiety level is really high, and that makes it tough for him to do everything that's expected of him.

Clearly children need structure, order, rules, and consequences. This is especially true for children who have had lives of utter chaos. Rather, the question is what is reasonable or not reasonable for a particular child. For example, it is perfectly reasonable to expect your toddler -adopted or not - to eat something healthy for breakfast without throwing a hissy fit. But is it reasonable to expect him to always remember to put his toys away or clothes in the hamper?

Lest you believe that I'm one of those mushy let-them-do-anything kind of parents, far from it. Even now, with my 30 YO and 24 YO all I have to do is give them a look from across the room and they know they best smarten up and behave. No kid of mine had candy for breakfast. I'm the Mother - they know that and I know that. I don't have to prove it every minute of every day!

Does it hurt us to stop thinking like the parent and to look at the world through our child's eyes? Are they hearing what we think we're saying? Or are they hearing something else entirely? To this day my son thinks he can never do anything right in my eyes. All because I ALWAYS had to be in charge - the mother - be right. Well, maybe I was. But I'd trade a lot of that in to have a son who was self-confident.