[corhen]

My husband and I adopted two children who are 17 days apart. We are always asked "Are they twins?" Sometimes we just say yes to strangers we don't know and will never see again. The babies are not old enough to know yet. But in our close community we always tell them that they are adopted brother and sister. Which makes sense. To my real question, How do you feel about people calling you adoptive parent? Do you like the term? My personal opinion, I hate it. I don't want to deny that I am an adoptive parent but I don't want it to be a the describing word I use when I introduce my daughter or son. Does anyone relate or have any thoughts?

[loveajax]

First of all, congratulations!!!!!

Second of all, no, I hate that "describer"! I use it here (for clarification) but not IRL.

The "telling" thing has been really hard for me. On the one hand, I am so thrilled with our DD, her adoption, etc. that I want to tell the world. But on the other hand, it is important to me to try to respect HER privacy (it's HER story, you know?). In your situation, though, I can see it coming up a lot!!!! Maybe you could just answer, "nope! just brothers!" and leave it at that (let people scratch their head if they need to!).

[HBV]

I second Loveajax ---we're just parents. I don't know that I've ever heard a bio parent describe themselves as a "Sexually reproductive parent" or a "Fertile parent".

We don't get ?s on the sibling deal, but like Loveajax, sometimes I'm tempted to tell a "gusher" who's going on about how cute H is---because we're so happy w/ our adoption and H. But I've gotten to where I only do that if I think we'll see the person again. It's H's story to tell, and I need to practice keeping my mouth shut.

[mom2justynsarah]

I am my children's mother. I would never in a million years differentiate myself as being a biological mother to my son or an adoptive mother to my daughter. They are both my children, plain & simple.

[nikkianni]

I'm just plain old Mommy.

As for who and when we tell about the adoption, it varies. If we're in the grocery store and a clerk mentions how much Eve looks like DH, we say thank you and go on our merry way.
If we had the same situation happen but it was a family friend that we don't see often, we'd tell them about the adoption because they're likely to find out at some point and we wouldn't want them to feel embarassed. (This happened at church with one of the very nice ladies who's a snowbird so not around all the time)

[HappyTwinsMom]

We don't use the identifier and, like nikkianni, when people comment on how much the twins look like DH (or me, occasionally), we just smile and say thank you and move along. We are simply Mommy and Daddy. The girls are well aware of their adoption story and know that "C" is their birthmom and they grew in her tummy - and they share that with people they choose (their kindergarten teacher for one).

My dad has developed a habit of telling any and all that the girls were adopted. I'm waiting for the right moment to explain to him (without hurting his feelings because he has the best of intentions and ADORES the girls) that it's their story to tell, and we choose not to announce it to people.

[kelceesmom]

I only use the term adoptive parents when I need to. Otherwise I am just the mommy!

[corhen]

I was a little afraid to bring this subject up. so thanks for letting me know I am normal.

[lilraskels]

Yes, I don't like it either. That is what we are though. I just don't want to be denied as their mother. It is hard enough fighting for that title. It is nice for others to know to be able to share your story so maybe just maybe they will adopt themselves. But I do reply the easiest way depending on the time I have to explain. I often say I am going to have a cards made so that I hand them out explaining my story to those that ask. I don't like them to ask in front of my kids that understand. It is not on a daily basis they need to be reminded. Just remember they are our blessings and we will not let others take that from us. Good luck

[2manyks]

my 2 boys - born 4 months apart are now 13 years old. when they were little and people asked *are they twins?* i always said yes. like you all said, it is their story to tell, not mine to every stranger that asks. the funny thing is the boys looked nothing alike - one is chubby and dark, the other is blond and lanky. the only things they have in common are their blue eyes and the fact that they are best friends. when they got old enough to say it themselves they would tell people they were twins. i worried that i had started something bad, but the truth is they really didnt even know what the word *twins* meant. as they got older and one boy grew VERY tall and the other is just average people quit asking if they were twins and it all just went away.

as far as being and ADOPTIVE parent - whatever. because i have so many children people always want to know the details. *all from one mother?* *one family*. they want to know if we are a blended family or if some are adopted. it depends on how they ask as to my answer. if they say - likemost people do - *are they all yours?* i just answer yes. cause of course they are all mine. no i just went around the neighborhood and collected a dozen children and brought them to the mall for the fun of it!

if it is someone sincere learning about adoption then i am happy to tell our story. but i usually never use the term *adoptive parent* or *adopted child*. just mom and dad and kids

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

When the boys were younger and more the same size we always did the "yes" to the twin question. Now with bear (2 1/2 months younger) towering over Bug by a good 4-5 inches, we are asked "how far apart are they?" I just say 2 1/2 months and let them figure it out on their own. These days what is the "traditional" family has evolved so far from what it was even 20 years ago that if someone needs more clarification they are just getting a little too personal.

[kakuehl]

My sister and I are 13 months apart but when we were small people wanted to know if we were twins because we we about the same size. Now that we're in our 50's (actually since our teens) people assume that my sister is the older since she is taller...

I am a birth mom and I really dislike referring to D's parents as his adoptive parents: they are his parents.

[cantwait2bmommy]

Just plain "Mom" here. We (hopefully!) will be in the same situation you are in when ds comes home. He and dd are 6 months apart. I plan to say "They are 6 months apart" and let people scratch their heads.

Dh and I were in a baby store a while back talking to a woman at the counter and birth weights came up. Dh and I are not small people and dd was 5.5 lbs when she was born. When I told them they asked if she was a preemie. I just said "no" and let them wonder.

I don't ever offer any explanation to anyone who doesn't ask. People say she looks like us...We say "thank you!" Someone asked the other day whose hair she has and I said "Honestly, I don't know." and he said "I think she has yours." to which I replied "Do you think so?"

If someone says "Did you adopt her?" (heard this twice yesterday when I dropped by my former workplace and they only asked because she is 8 months old and they saw me in December and all last year) or (this was a nice one...) "Is she mixed?" I always reply "My daughter is Guatemalan."

It is my belief that this is my daughter and a wonderful woman in Guatemalan was loving enough to give birth to her. I believe that the child you are meant to parent comes to you, whether by birth or adoption. This is what God planned for me and I am so blessed!

[Empty_Nest]

We were always just Mom and Dad, too. Our kids didn't match us, so the fact of their adoptions was obvious.

I am always taken aback when introductions are made and the parents say, "this is my daughter XX, this is my son XX, and this is my adopted son XX." We never had kids by birth so maybe I'm missing something, but it just seems odd to me to make introductions that way, setting the adopted child apart with the 'adopted' label. That just seems wrong to me.

Parents who brag about having adopted their child, implying it somehow makes the parents somebody special, set my teeth on edge, too. Sometimes it's like they think they should be given kudos for it or something.

The worst remark ever made to me by another adoptive parent, while discussing our children's origins, was after we had adopted the last five who were black and from the US. We also had two Korean daughters and one from Brazil. The woman asked me, "Couldn't you afford to adopt from Korea again?" That question was just so wrong on so many levels, and I was caught so off guard I couldn't even come up with a good response. Until that moment, I was so naive I hadn't even realized there was a hierarchy in adoption. At that time, Korea was the 'Cadillac of adoption.' Stupid us, we had just wanted to adopt some kids and picked Korea because it was easy in our state, not because it was some kind of elite thing.

It's amazing what a person learns over a lifetime of dealing with other people.

[startedover]

I don't like the term "adoptive mom" because I don't use the term "this is my adoptive daughter". I say she WAS adopted. That is how she came to us now an ongoing characteristic of who she is. I don't introduce my bio kids as "this is my vaginal delivery daughter/son".