[jaenelle]

I have no idea if this is at all the right forum to post this in, but I felt like I needed to vent and I can't talk to my DH, for reasons that will become apparent later in this post.

My SIL has a baby, born just a few days before Yuna, and she just emailed me tonight saying she's pregnant again and due in January.

While of course, I am happy for her (VERY happy in fact as I really like my SIL) I am also a bit sad/jealous for me. NOT of the pregnancy specifically -- just the fact that she is getting another child, and we are still SO FAR from even being able to begin another adoption. I don't want another child RIGHT NOW -- I just wish it weren't looking like it's going to be so long before we can start again.

Of course, my DH got all up in my face, saying that I couldn't be at all sad for myself, or it basically meant I wasn't happy for her at all. Can't I be both? I mean, I'm not super depressed or anything, just kind of blindsided by the whole thing (I really didn't think she wanted any more kids and certainly not this soon). He also basically said that he thought this means I'm not happy with Yuna. Can't I be happy with Yuna and also want more kids? How is that wrong? Why does my DH have to automatically assume that things have to be so black and white -- that there is not a grey area?

Agh. Anyone been in this position?

[mommamarci]

I've been there. My friend had an oops pregnancy a few months after Cameron was born. She is not the greatest mother and did not want another baby right then. I was terribly upset and jealous. She got excited about it and I was happy for her, but I was also so upset. I was definitely not ready for another baby. (Cameron was only like 3 months old!) And I felt so guilty like I did not love Cameron because I wanted another child so badly.

I know what you are going through. Vent away. Men don't get it. (Although my husband tried very hard to understand and make sense of my jibberish!!)

[MrsD]

We in the "waiting" stage but a friend of mine found out she was pregnant when we went to our first orientation last year and she had her baby recently. Another gal, from work, had a baby about a week ago and we heard she was pregnant after we started the adoption process. While I'm very happy for both of them, it also made me sad for me. And jealous. And even a little resentful that it was so easy for them to expand their families and we may still be waiting a year from now. So while I'm so incredibly excited for their families and even though I am completely confident that this is the right path for our family, I still have moments where these types of things make me sad. So I totally understand what you are saying.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I think it is natural for any woman who has experienced infertility (assuming this is the case) to feel this way when you have another woman in your life who can get pregnant when you sneeze on her. I also think it is natural for a DH to get upset because they will NEVER understand the emotional loss and grieving that is associated with coming to terms with infertility.

For me, one of the things I get "jealous" of is that I will never have the pre-natal attention that pregnant women receive. I will never be told how much I "glow", offered help to get me and my big belly off the couch, sympathy to a midnight craving, and I will never be able to sit with a group of women talking about their pregnancy and birth and have anything to contribute. It is like being a member of a club...but your membership was grandfathered in. If that makes any sense.

BUT, I also think I REALLY appreciate the miracle of my children and what a true blessing each of them are.

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by Bug-n-Bears-Mommy

I think it is natural for any woman who has experienced infertility (assuming this is the case) to feel this way when you have another woman in your life who can get pregnant when you sneeze on her. I also think it is natural for a DH to get upset because they will NEVER understand the emotional loss and grieving that is associated with coming to terms with infertility.

For me, one of the things I get "jealous" of is that I will never have the pre-natal attention that pregnant women receive. I will never be told how much I "glow", offered help to get me and my big belly off the couch, sympathy to a midnight craving, and I will never be able to sit with a group of women talking about their pregnancy and birth and have anything to contribute. It is like being a member of a club...but your membership was grandfathered in. If that makes any sense.

BUT, I also think I REALLY appreciate the miracle of my children and what a true blessing each of them are.

Well, we always fully expected that any and all children we have will come to us through adoption. While I'm not technically infertile (when I'm off my birth control pills I do ovulate sometimes so presumbably could get pregnant with enough work), I basically have to stay on birth control pills or my PCOS symptoms are HORRIBLE. So birth control pills all the time mean no pregnancy. I've basically always known this. So I've had what would seem like ample time to process the idea that I'll never get pregnant. And I'm fine with adoption; it just sometimes seems kind of unfair that some women can have kids so easily (there are lots of "oops'es" in DH's family so I think I'm basically the only one who's infertile) and adoption has to be so conscious, with money saved, forms filled out, etc.

Anyway, thanks for understanding.

[nikkianni]

Men see things in black and white. There are no colors, there are no shades of gray. Either you can fix it or it's broken. My DH is the same way. He tries hard not to be, but he backslides often.
I don't think there's anything strange or wrong about what you're feeling. I don't think it means you love Yuna less or are unsatisfied with her. It just means you have a certain vision of your family, you know it's not complete yet and others are getting the opportunity to complete their vision sooner than you are yours.
Anyone would be jealous of that.
But it doesn't mean you also can't be happy for them. Human beings are complicated. Men just don't want to admit that.

[joelynn]

It's okay to feel the way you do...I'm done building my family but a friend of mine just emailed me a couple months ago to let me know at the age of 42 she is pregnant with number 8...yep I said 8th child! She and her husband are thrilled. Kind of like that family they show on tv that just had their 17th child. I'm not judging but geez! All I can say is I'm happy with my 3! It is frustrating to think how easy it is for some and hard for us.

[loveajax]

I am much better now about pg announcements, but sometimes they still blindside me. But like you, I really want to adopt again and just can't do it for a while (financial and other logistics) and it makes me sad!!! If I didn't love DD soooooo much, I don't think I would want another baby so of course this has NOTHING to do with Yuna and your love for her!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

My SIL told me the other day that they were not trying NOT to get pregnant now. They really want 3 kids, but if it doesn't happen in the next month or 2 she is just going to go in and get her tubes tied. Her reasoning...that way they are all out of the house at the same time. WHAT??? Why even bother if you are just counting the days for them to be gone? Like I said, I can say that I HONESTLY appreciate my children and cherish every day I have with them. It is unbelievable what some people take for granted.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by Bug-n-Bears-Mommy

For me, one of the things I get "jealous" of is that I will never have the pre-natal attention that pregnant women receive. I will never be told how much I "glow", offered help to get me and my big belly off the couch, sympathy to a midnight craving, and I will never be able to sit with a group of women talking about their pregnancy and birth and have anything to contribute. It is like being a member of a club...but your membership was grandfathered in. If that makes any sense.

BUT, I also think I REALLY appreciate the miracle of my children and what a true blessing each of them are.

This is SO TRUE!!!

My husband's friend from college invited himself and his family to our house this coming weekend. His wife is pregnant. I am not looking forward to it. My dh can't understand that because I am THANKFUL I couldn't conceive when we tried because I have my beautiful boys. It's just the old jealousy that comes back and bites me, you know?

So, it is not wrong to be happy for them and sad for yourself. My sil is also pregnant. This will be her third child and they will all be 2 and under when this one is born. It's hard when it's so easy for some. However, I think it does help us cherish each moment even more, you know?

(((((((huge hugs Jaenelle)

[jjlutefisk]

I have PCOS, too and I couldn't function without my medication either!

[jaenelle]

Well, given a few days to process things, I am feeling MUCH better. I am honestly really excited to see if we get a niece or nephew! I don't know if they're going to find out the gender or not; I don't think they did last time.

Thanks for making me feel I'm not alone, though. As someone else put it the jealousy came back and bit me good!

[CoryEllen]

I have a BIL who says that wanting more kids shows that I am not happy/satisfied by my current children. It makes me angry to hear him say that because it is the exact opposite. I LOVE my kids to PIECES and BECAUSE I love them so much, I want MORE so we have MORE LOVE in the house. I understand you completely. I had a single friend who had 2 babies, within a year of each other, "on accident," during the same year I had 2 miscarriages. Talk about not fair!

On the flip side, my SIL (she had 2 bio kids, wanted more but refused to look into adoption) burst into tears when I made my own pregnancy announcement 3 years ago, that was unnerving! I think she is entitled to feel jealous/sad/frustrated/whatever, but it would have been nice if she could keep her emotions somewhat in check while in public. It made me afraid to ever tell her any news again.

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by CoryEllen

burst into tears when I made my own pregnancy announcement

I did this the last time SIL was pregnant. I suspect that's why they waited so long to tell us she's pregnant again. I'm not proud of my behavior then, but I also refuse to apologize for feeling the way I felt. I *was* unhappy childless and while that wasn't the best way to react, it *was* a true picture of how I was feeling, and I think for the first time, DH actually understand what I felt like. So, in a roundabout way, I think it resulted in him saying we could move forward with adoption.

[Barksum]

Aww, it's normal to feel the loss of what you would like and isn't going to be, or to feel frustrated by the wait, etc. And guys usually are more black and white about things.

My Dh has learned that it doesn't have to make sense; his job is to hold me and pat my back, letting me cry out my non-logical hurts and woes. Usually within the week we can work through all the emotions that tangle me up! I've wondered what it is like to not be as illogical as I am. I mean, Dh breezes through stuff that would - and does- lay me low. What is that like??

Sometimes it isn't so easy to quantify what, exactly, is so painful. I mean, yes, you feel sad about whatever, but sometimes there is just this pang, even when you'd known the facts regarding whatever situation you were in. (infertility, waiting to adopt, deciding to not have more, whatever) And then there are those things that suddenly jump up and slap you, right when you thought you were over it, whatever 'it' may have been.

Here are two examples from my life:
My only sister was pregnant with her 5th child at the same time I was expecting my first. We knew this would by the one and only pregnancy due to health issues, so we were really excited about having our babies so close together, talking about how the cousins would have such fun being just 6 months apart. My sister's baby was still born. It was a very difficult time that both she and I had to tread carefully and tearfully through. Attending the funeral of my niece while I was visibly pregnant was really, really heartbreaking. Not just for my sister and I, but for everyone because it was just that added visual reminder, you know? And who wants to be the one who is sticking out like a sore thumb, you know?

Then, years and 3 pregnancies later, when my sister went thru cancer treatment and was then unable to have any more children, she really struggled, especially as I was in the process of adopting a child at that particular time. She and her Dh did not plan to have more children, but to suddenly have cancer and not be able to have any more children was different than deciding to not have more. It was another painful and tearful process for both of us.

Happily we both worked hard to be careful of the other's feelings, and to discuss between us any awkwardness we felt. She told me after my niece died that she still wanted me to call her and share the milestones of my pregnancy. She wanted to share that joy, even though it was painful for her, too. Being sensitive and communicating is the ONLY way we made it through those really tough times!