[mrskllp]

Hi! I have a question!?? My 11 year old daughter thinks that if I say "DON'T" that means "DO" and every time I say not to do something she goes ahead and does it anyways !
So WHAT DO I DO???? It can be something really stupid, like I will say R go put up that make-up you are not to put anymore on and she will go in her room and put more on before she comes out!!!!!!!!!!! I will say go clean your room and make your bed ect... and she will go in there and clean up the floor and come out, I will walk by and the bed wont be made, I will say R why isn't your bed made? she says Oh I didn't know I had to make my bed! I tell her isn't that apart of cleaning your room? She will say yeah and then go do it, but why didn't she do it the first time????????
I feel like I am a drill sergeant cracking the whip constantly! We go through this stuff everyday all day! I say you are not watching t.v. today we are going outside together and playing and she will come back in the house when I am not looking and watch t.v.! Any advice out there about how to stop this, without her feeling like I am on her case ALL the time? Is this just a phase that all kids go through? I just don't want her to get out of control as she gets older and I don't want to overreact to things she does that don't require a reaction! She does help around the house all the time and she does her chores for the week, but if I say to do something it is done halfway and if I say don't do something she does it! HELP!!!!!!!!

[mommy2jillian]

I'll return the advice...hehehehe Make a LIST of things she must do in a day w/ her help like ... Make bed and clean room, feed animals, put away clothes, help w/ dishes. after she is finished with it give her so much time on her own to do what ever such as watch T.V or give her an allowance at the end of the week. The important thing is to have HER involved with the list so she has input. For her age this might work great. Cindy

[Barksum]

Additionally, some kids are more visually oriented than verbally. They need a list because their recall of spoken directions isn't all that great. (And as a middle aged mom I have to admit that I can totally understand a lack of recall!) Each person has a preferred method of learning, so it helps to figure out what way works for each person in the family. Some need visual cues (lists), some do fine with verbal, etc. I'm a visual person so I have lists, and make lists for everyone. Happily my Dh tends to be a bit more visual/kinesthetic than auditory, so this works pretty well most of the time. MOST of the time. LOL

We also make the attempt when telling our kids to do something to phrase is so that the last that they hear is what we want them TO do, not what they aren't supposed to do. So 'Don't jump on the bed!' becomes, 'Got off of the bed and go jump outside.' 'Don't put on more make-up' would become 'Wash your face...' or whatever it was that you WANT her to do.

This is based on that little mind thing where when you are told, 'Do not think of a white horse', your brain immediate does what it was just directed not to do.

[mrskllp]

Thank You for the advice! I will try that! I just feel like I am failing as a parent sometimes because my girls don't always do what I tell them! I also feel like I am constantly repeating myself over and over again! My husband says that that is what it is going to take because they are kids, just telling them over and over everyday, sometimes I get so aggrivated that I will yell the instructions at them and my husband says yelling isn't going to get it done and I tell him, but they obviously can't hear me, so I have to yell it so they hear me LOL, not always, but sometimes! I am going to make each of them their own list every week with their specific chore and I will try the allowance thing, we did that once before and they never got any money because they didn't do their chores, but they are a little older now and understand what the green stuff is so they will probably do better! I also don't make them do a whole lot because they are kids and I don't think they should do everything... I think they should be kids, so one week someone does the dishes, one takes out the trash, and the other will sort the laundry so I can wash it and they all have to clean their rooms! Thank you so much for the ideas I really appreciate it!

[Michele81]

Another thing that works is to turn the tables on them. Instead of telling her to remove the makeup, tell her to put MORE on. It's when they KNOW something annoys or angers you that they escalate their behaviors. Now she isn't getting the reaction she wanted so MAY give it up - in time.
As far as the TV goes, are their house rules involving TV watching? The consequence (which should be told up front) is that TV watching at other times results in a removal of allowable TV privileges equal to 2, 3, or however many times she was watching TV. This way it's totally HER choice since she knows the consequence & has chosen to ignore the rule.

[Barksum]

I also give directions over and over. I've decided this is too much stress for me, so I have begun to tell them one time. If they don't comply I then say, 'This is your first reminder', and only that, not telling them what to do since I already told them. Depending on the thing I've asked them to do (is it a new chore? or one they should do by rote?) I may give them another reminder, but they know that 2 is IT. After two reminders, it's a loss of something like TV time, computer game time, sometimes I'll expect them to 'pay' me for my time that they are wasting by giving back some of their allowance, that kind of thing.

If I have a child who continues to need to be reminded CONSTANTLY over the course of an hour, I will send them to bed for a nap because obviously they are too tired to pay attention. Sometimes the kid is actually tired and does need a nap; more often, though, the kid is just dinking around and ignoring me because they can. I don't get angry, or look mean, I just tell them that their body is telling me that it needs rest, so they'd better go rest it.

Instead of talking more or louder, talk less. I'm WORKING on this.