[concernedmama]

Hello everyone. This is my first post here so I hope that I am posting in the correct place. We have two children. A son that just turned 13 and a daughter who just turned 9. We seem to have a very difficult time getting them to pick up after themselves or even getting them to do the simplest of chores around the house. I don't think I expect too much of them and maybe that is the trouble, I don't know. All I ask is that they clean their room once a week which includes taking all dirty clothes to laundry room. Daughter is asked to empty the dishwasher and help me clean up kitchen after supper each night and our son is asked to gather up the trash and help mow/weed the yard. The problem is, even though they know these things are expected, They attempt to find any way out of it they can. There are some weekends when they spend a good majority of their day in their rooms because I will not allow them out until they are finished to my liking. We are in a position to want to buy a new home but my husband is refusing because he says the kids will not pick up after themselves and we have witnessed them accidently spilling things and then walking off without even bothering to clean them up. I don't know what to do. I don't know if we're expecting too much or too little. I don't want this to keep me from owning my own home and my husband will not budge because he says the kids will just ruin it. I'm stressed, tired and confused and feeling like he is being unreasonable. Any advice?

[aMarylandfamily]

Aren't kids fun! What we have learned with our 13 year old is that first you have to ignore the whining and groaning - they really are not being tortured (ha ha). Second thing is the more you do with them the less hassle you get - while they should be able to clean their rooms alone, if they have company doing so it just seems to flow along and you are done before you know it (and it is to your expectations) ... and don't get me wrong - some weeks I do more than he but at least it is getting done without alot of power struggling ... and any child forced to stay in his room being punished is also indirectly inflicting a punishment on the parent as you can't go anywhere or they will come out. The last thing - the hardest - is to understand - your idea of picked up and theirs is two completely different things so if you work to start them doing it and you finish - and eventually stretch more into what they are doing - it will get better ... and without sounding harsh - do not buy a home dependent on the children doing their part ... in addition to their not, they won't be there forever (hopefullly)

[lucyjoy]

In my house, if a child cannot clean what's in their room, they must have too much stuff. Being the good, understanding mom I am, I am willing to remove some of the clutter for them. I start with the larger bulky items like stereos.
If laundry is the problem, agian, I can so help them out. I can assign them one day they are allowed to use the washer/dryer and show them how it works. Or, if that's not an option, I can reduce their wardrobe to a manageable state.

NO fuss, no arguing. Leave stuff laying around the house? No problem. I assume they meant it to land into the trash can. Spilling stuff and not cleaning it up? No problem. I can clean it up and send them a bill for cleaning(payable by allowance, birthday money, chores or sale of items-whatever works for them). Also, all food and drink would be kitchen only if such offenses continued.

For me, I make sure the problem does not become mine. No arguing, no lecturing, no power struggles.

As for helping with family chores? I'd assume they needed more responsibility so they can practice giving back...Also, I've found forgetting how to drive to be and effective method of solving these problems. I mean, how could I possibly drive to the mall or soccer practice if I have to spend all my time doing their share of the chores?

Of course, as a kid, my mom nagged me to clean my room. I was slightly oppositional and would spend all day in my room because she couldn't make me do it. So, I know that method wouldn't work for me.

[leaabc123]

I would say that at 9 and 13, they are more than old enough to start washing their own clothes. The consequences of not washing them would be that they get to wear dirty clothes to school.

I don't think I would let sloppy kids keep me from buying a house though.

Also, why are they not trading off on chores? Don't assign them according to gender. Your son will need to learn how to clean up a kitchen and your daughter is old enough to at least take out the trash.

Perhaps, assigning different chores to different days (this includes chores for mom and dad) and each person gets a day off once a week from the chore chart. They can lose that day off if they have not completed previous chores. Also, switching up chores lets them learn different things and keeps them from being bored.

These are the kinds of things that worked for me at their age at summer camp and it worked for the kids that I worked with later on.

You also may want to check out flylady.net and introduce the ideas to your kids. The main idea being that you start off slow and do what you can in an area in 15 minutes a day.

[cherrymom]

I think sometimes as parents we think we doing our kids a favor by "not expecting to much". I say it's more of a disservce. I call it "contributing to the family unit". There are chores and stuff that is required as a family lives together and as long as you are living there you contribute. Whatever that looks like to your family. A family meeting where you all talk about it might help.

Mom to five
bio kids (18, 17, 14)
Akids (4 & 1)

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I am a cross between maryland and lucy....

I have no problem cleaning the room and having her help... or telling her where to put things while watching her clean...

but then in the maintenance.. I also have no problem assuming that things were meant to be thrown away if they land in other parts of the house. And also washing and confiscating clothes that did not make it to the dirty clothes. But I usually say.. this is mine for two weeks... etc...

I stay with her in her room so that it gets done and put where I want it... (my daughter is 8) sometimes kids get spacey.. .heck sometimes I get spacey... I dont want to make the bed or do the dishes every day.. lol. So I help her out... within reason. Im no where near a Nazi... I also never ever make her stay in her room as a punishment (like someone said..it would be a punishment for me).. the whole point is to get it done.. so to sit with her and help a bit gets it done and makes everyone happy... plus it is great chit chat time... and gives you the opportunity to make sure there is nothing the you dont WANT in your childs room...


Good LUCK!

[shoeshopping]

I agree with lucyjoy. Afterall, it is about contributing to the family unit. Even a five year-old boy can clean up his toys and bring dirty dinner dishes to the sink after dinner.

Teaching responsibility is one of the greatest, um, responsibilities. My son is happy-hysterical when he gets his allowance: ONE WHOLE DOLLAR AND IT MUST BE THE PAPER KIND.

[[coughs indiscreetly]]

[Howdy]

My daughter is much better at cleaning the shared areas of the house than she is at cleaning her room.

So with her room, I've found that what works for her is to do a trade -- she gets time on the computer for time cleaning. We make a list of the tasks to be done. Each task is assigned a computer-time value, such as making her bed might earn 7 minutes on the computer and putting away her clean clothes earns 5 minutes. I try to give extra minutes to the chores that it bugs me if she doesn't do. I leave it up to her to choose which tasks she wants to do. If she goes too many weeks without doing some tasks I switch to using the "Love and Logic" method, and announce that it causes me stress to have to [fill in the blank, such as, 'step over the dolls on your floor'] so I will be picking them up at X o'clock and the cleaning charge that will be deducted from her allowance will be $x.xx. Sometimes that motivates her and sometimes not. If not, then I do the chore and keep back money from her next allowance. Usually after she gets less allowance, the next time she is sufficiently motivated to do the chore and not have to pay.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Awesome Howdy. I think I will keep your method in my pocket for later.

[tobeafamily]

Like Howdy, I'm a Love & Logic fan - because it has really worked with Ryan. I really like their ideas - like that if Mommy picks it up, it goes away or it deducts from their allowance/privileges.

Regina

[evildishrag]

I've tried twice now to word this reply diplomatically but I just can't. So here goes....

Hello? They are 9 and 13? This is just becoming an issue now? Lady, give your head a shake. Who's running the show in your house? Clearly you have to become mommy from hell for awhile with very clear expectations and predictable consequenece. It will take awhile to undo all your wishy-washiness.

Clear, predicatble expectations and swift, severe consequences. It's simple. If you make good choices, you have good conseqeunces. If you make bad choices, you have bad consequences. Life lesson right there. It's all up to them, but of course this is useless if you don't enforce it. "Kids, your job as part of this family is to contribute by taking care of your responsibilities". Done.

Daughter:
If the dishes are not cleared and the table's not wiped (to your reasonable satisfaction) within 10 minutes from the end of dinner... Goodnight! If will only take one time sending her straight to bed to fix this little problem. That's it. Problem solved.

Before bed every night, make sure her floor/room is tidy and her dirty laundry is in the basket (if she has one) or in the laundry room. Moreover, if you ask me they're getting off way too easy. She should also be more than capable of folding and putting away her clean clothes.

Son:
Same deal with his clothes/laundry/room.

Plus he can wash and/or dry the dishes or load/unload the dishwasher. Something to contribute.

Plus the yard and trash stuff.

Husband:
He's just as whipped as you are by those kids. Shake his head too.

Like someone else said, you are doing them a grave disservice the way things are now.

Allowance:
I disagree with money/allowance being linked to chores. My children get an allowance because they breathe. They get one buck per grade, so my daughter gets $4 a week and my son gets $10. Uh, grades 4 and 10, get it? Ok. They get allowance because they breathe. As long as they breathe, the money keeps coming. Why? Because it is important to learn the value of money, saving, delayed gratification and all that jazz. They do the things that are expected of them around the house because it is expected of them. That's it. If they don't there are other consequences having nothing to do with their allowance. They don't get paid to do what they should do. It's ridiculous.

Ok, end of rant. Good luck.

[concernedmama]

I appreciate each & every one of these responses. I intend to take this home, read through with my DH and I will share with him what I have came up with. If he agrees, then I will be presenting this to everyone. Obviously things have gotten a bit out of control and it needs to be corrected. Flylady has some great ideas and I intend to try and use some of them.

EvilDishrag: I understand what your saying about "mommy from hell". I have turned into her before and it does produce results, I just don't like being that way. However, it appears that I am going to have to toughen up a bit and stay on top of it.

Funny how you think your doing everything right, feel like your being consistent and fair but later down the road, you find that you need to do some serious re-evaluating and change up. When I was home, I was never made to do anything. I see now that it does affect people when they get older, it affects how I want to do things and how I raise my children. Please don't think anything negative about my parents. They are wonderful people and I couldn't have asked for better parents but I can see now where I wished they would have been a little harder on me. It would have helped me get through things a little easier.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Wow. I have no idea what to say except I would never treat my daughter that way.

[concernedmama]

Originally Posted by numbr1dbcksfan

Wow. I have no idea what to say except I would never treat my daughter that way.

Meaning you would not ask her to do chores and the like?

[numbr1dbcksfan]

"Clear, predicatble expectations and swift, severe consequences. "



No I mean the whole do what I tell you, when I tell you or face 'severe consequences'. I want her to learn responsibility.. not cower to me. I think allowance based on what they do is great... being given money just because they breathe translates to me that they should be given money because they live and they shouldnt have to earn it(like they are entitled to it). It defeats the whole issue that the parent should be caring for the child and teaching them... they arent there to take the burden off us. Give and take.. not barking out orders...