[mn_mom4more]

We are CC and our kids are AA. Yesterday a 5th grade girl turned around, on the bus ride home, and asked my 3rd grade dd if she is a "N*gger"! My dd looked at her strange and said, "NO!"

Our kids are the only AA kids in the school. Feb. was Black History Month. I know that in every grade they learned about Black history on one level or another. I'm sure that word came up in either the stories they read, or the movies they watched.

If the "N" word came up during this process, why didn't the teachers TEACH the kids how incredibly wrong and horrible that word is?

What really blows my mind is on the way to school, yesterday, a 5th grade boy (CC), sitting with my dd, used that word! She doesn't think he was calling HER it, but he was fighting with a girl (CC) and used the word then. Why?

I told her about that word before she started Kindergarten. I know I should have brought it up again, but I just never did. She had never heard the word, except that once from me, until yesterday, then she heard it TWICE!

I'm not happy about this at all! I plan to contact the parents (send a letter home with each of those kids - different families), talk to the bus drivers, talk to the schools (those 2 kids go to 2 different schools), and talk to the director of the bus garage.

Any advice, thoughts, word choice suggestions? I wasn't sure where to post this topic, so I hope it is noticed!

Thanks in advance for any input!!

[DianeS]

I'm very sorry that happened. But I'd be very careful about jumping to conclusions!

I know that word never came up in any of my Black History classwork. Not in the textbook, not in the required reading, not in videos. Heck, Huckleberry Finn is a banned book in most elementary schools for just that reason! And there are SO many other places the children could have heard the word.

I'd also be careful about going overboard when you write to the children's parents. If the children heard that word used at home, nothing you can possibly say will be strong enough to make those parents change. If the children heard the word elsewhere and the parents never spoke it, the gentlest of reminders informing them it's time to have a discussion of race and bad words will be more than plenty to absolutely mortify the parents. Yes, there are parents somewhere in the middle, but probably very few - in most cases either the term is the "correct" one they use to dehumanize people on a regular basis, or it's a completely forbidden word. There is not often a middle ground.

Did your daughter say what context the word was used when the boy spoke it? I mean, he could have been saying she was one, or saying she wasn't, or saying that was a nasty term, or asking for an explanation of what it meant! Lots of options there, that should probably be figured out before his parents are notified.

Maybe you've got answers to all that, and just didn't post the details. That's fine, that happens, it's just that your post does not list any reason for you to think all the things you wrote, and when dealing with other parents it's EASY to get defensive when your child is being accused of something and have the whole issue blow into something huge and horrible, when all it might have been was a request for information and a discussion on why a word was wrong. ("Might have been" - doesn't mean my assumptions are right, either.)

It's definately time to talk to your daughter again. To go over all the different things people may call her or think about her, and reaffirm her belief in herself as a beautiful individual. Other parents of AA children should have a LOT of help. (someone get JensBoys over here if she isn't already!)

My post is mostly to help you figure out what the facts are, or are at least likely to be, before acting on them.

I AM very sorry she had to hear that, and I'm glad she has you on her side to help her out, whatever the actual situation may be.

[mn_mom4more]

Thank you, Diane! I thought perhaps the word was heard at school because I know in my dd's class she watched a movie about a march with Martin Luther King, Jr. where whites were hitting AA's with bats and stuff. I had no clue she was going to watch that movie before hand, and I'm not happy by the things they covered without ME knowing ahead of time. A little prep time for me would have been a nice thing!

I don't know the exact context the boy said the word because my dd was unsure. He was sitting on the inside of the seat and she was on the aisle. He was fighting with the girl across the aisle from my daughter and he said the word, not to my dd. She wasn't sure what exactly was being said, all she knew was he said the word. She doesn't think he was talking to her at all, and she doesn't know if he was calling the other girl that name. I don't think she was giving the arguement her full attention until she heard the word. Apparently this kid swears a LOT on the bus, so who knows what he was thinking.

As far as writing a letter to the parents, my *thoughts* are to let them know that the word was said, and the situation in which it happened, and to *appear* as though I'm sure they are just as shocked as I was. Also, I was going to ask if they could talk to their child and find out why they would use such a horrible word.

I know I won't get anywhere if I put the parents on defense right away, so I'm just going to ASSUME they are as horrified as I am! I also know there are too many people in our community who grew up hearing that word and use it without grasping the significance of what they are saying. When there are only white people in a persons life, for as long as they can remember, there isn't anyone around to be offended when they say the "N" word, so learning the deep feelings doesn't always happen.

I'm not going to jump into this issue without having my thoughts together and some steps prepared. I've learned that being upset and irrate doesn't get me anywhere... I need to kill people with kindness, intelligence, facts, and SUPPORT!

Now... where did JensBoys go?!

[kllee4]

I'm sorry that this happened to your daughter but I would first talk to the teacher about what they actually had been learning in school on the topic (Black History Month) and then see if this is maybe where a misunderstanding may have taken place. At elast then you will be able to narrow down and rule out where it initially began with the girl in school. I think I would express my concerns and then voice them to the principal of both schools and report the little boy. I would advise against writing directly to the children's parents only because an administrator can act as a mediator and this could easily be misconstrued and put the parents on the defensive and they may not want to hear anything that you have to say. If the boy routinely curses and is a trouble maker than this may not surprise the school or his parents. However, having someone there who is neutral may help them hear the hurt and pain this may have caused you and your daughter. She may not have been clear on the context of how it was used but it is not acceptable none the less and this should be clear, to the kids and the parents.

As a teacher, we would advise parents about speaking directly to the parents unless an administrator calls a meeting. I applaud you as a parent by pursuing this because this needs to be handled immediately to ensure that everyone knows that you will not tolerate this. Good luck with everything!

[crick]

I too would talk to the teachers and find out what exactly they were covering for Black History Month. Interestingly enough, my kids came home with all sorts of knowlege on the civil rights movement but unfortunately didn't really understand what it was all about. So I too, would have liked some advanced notice on what they were learning in order to support and be prepared.

I, as a parent, would want to know if one of my kids said inappropriate words. If my child asked that question of another child, I'd know they were asking out of curiousity from something they heard, and not because of racism. I'd still want to know though so I could educate my child.

It's confusing because it's a word used among some people (rap,hip hop culture etc.) with each other. Very confusing to a child as they don't fully understand the implications of that word and hear it being said almost as a term of recognition or even affection. (not to say racism isn't at play here, it very well may be that this boy is being raised the wrong way)

I do hope you find some answers from the school/parents!

Crick

[SAHmom]

I agree with Crick in that I would want to know if any of my children were disrepectful to another child. I have had many talks with school personnel regarding sexual and other types of things said to my children. I simply will not tolerate it! My children are in school to learn and don't need to worry about things such as that!

I hope something positive can come from this such as educating students more!

[LisaCA]

hi,

there are some good thoughts here. I just want to ask about one thing you said, that your kids are the only AA in the school. for your kids mental health, is it possible for you to find a school that is more diverse? I think the problem may be beyond the use of one word and your kids will need to see themselves reflected in a positive way in school (which is where kids spend most of their waking day). If it's an issue of the neighborhood or community that is less diverse, it may be time to consider a new community.

Just a few thoughts from a person who's been in your kids' shoes.

LisaCA

[mn_mom4more]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I have a sick child at home so I haven't had a chance to come here since last night.

LisaCA, there are very few AA's in our community. Over the past several years the number has increased, due in a large part to adoptions. As far as a school with more AA kids (there are a few biracial kids at this school), I doubt there is one with a higher percentage than where my kids already are. If we had an option of a more diverse school, I would have been fighting for it years before our DD hit Kindergarten. Transferring to a different school is out of the question, I'm quite sure. We've been fighting with the school district on issues with our DS, who is mentally impaired, for almost 2 yrs. now, so I don't see getting anywhere based solely on the lack of other AA kids at the school.

Moving to an even larger community/suburb isn't possible without leaving everything we have behind, including my DH's job of 15 years (we'd have to move at least 2 hours away).

Transferring schools and/or moving our family isn't an option. We learned long ago that we have to stand our ground and fight for our rights, and the rights of our children. I do agree that our kids need to see themselves reflected in a positive way. Just because there are mainly CC kids in their school doesn't mean they should be viewed in a negative way. We believe it is our responsibility to educate, and even FORCE diversity, in our community. Our childrens generation deserves not only book knowledge, but also personal contact with children from other heritages and cultures. We look at it as educating our corner of the world. We knew it wouldn't be easy.

When something like this comes up, I feel even stronger about adopting more children to not only raise the AA percentage in our town (LOL), but mainly so our DD has someone IN HER HOME, that she can relate to and form a bond with that she can't get with her friends, or even with us. Yes, DS is AA, but being mentally impaired he doesn't understand many things, including adoption, black/white differences, and racism. His adaptive level is that of a 3 yr. old. I am vanilla and he is chocolate, and that's how he sees his world.

I'm sorry for getting side tracked! I didn't think a short response like "LisaCA, a different school and community isn't an option" would be enough! LOL!

As far as those who stated they'd want to know if their child said something offensive, I agree. However, I'm not going to lay money down that the parents of these children feel the same way! Every parent/family is different.

Crick, you said, "If my child asked that question of another child, I'd know they were asking out of curiousity from something they heard, and not because of racism." I see your point, and I hope that is all the question was to my DD. However, I can't help feeling there is more going on when a 5th grader asks my 3rd grader if she is a "N" word. I just don't see it as ONLY curiousity.

The principal hasn't called me back yet, so I'm waiting on him before I take any steps!

[LisaCA]

hi,

thanks for taking the time to respond-I appreciate it . I think there are times to fight, and very good reasons to fight, but as one who had to fight constantly, it becomes a bit much after a while. While my mom was up for the fight (she's native amer., looks white), I personally had to bear the brunt of it and really wanted to just be "like everyone else"-not white, just not viewed as "different". The job of educating the world is exhausting, as I'm sure you know.

I understand the job thing and all that, just wanted to suggest that in case it was at all possible it would be good for the kids.

sorry about the sick child-seems to be a major cold/flu going around, mutating and becoming scarier each mutation. I hope everyone gets healthy and stays that way

lisaCA

[mn_mom4more]

LisaCA, I really appreciate your input and first hand experience. I agree about having to pick our battles. This is one I believe is worth fighting because those kids need to be taught that it isn't okay to use that word in ANY situation.

I can relate to the "be like everyone else" statement. Sometimes it would be nice to go shopping and not "stick out". I do know that my daughter doesn't always like being the different kid. I also realize that every kid feels different for one rason or another... I just wish children could understand how fabulous all the differences are!

My rose colored glasses fit me just fine! LOL!

[8isenough]

Hi. I'm new to the forum and just wanted to give a little advice in regard to raising AA children as CC parents. I adopted a sibling group of 4 AA children 4 yrs ago. I too, live in a prodominantly CC area where my children are amongst only a handful of AA children at school. We could not afford to move nor had any desire to move from our area BUT we did change our church! We have attended a Baptist church in our area that is mostly AA and my children are very involved in the activities there and also I have gotten very involved as well. My children have great AA rolemodels and have friends that are of both races. It has worked out beautifully. It is very important to recognize that CC schools DO NOT offer a well-rounded view of history when it comes to AA history. It is important to do this at home. Take your kids on field trips, read books, etc. all year long; not just Black History Month. (Giving it only 1 month speaks for itself! ) Just thought I'd offer my 2 cents on the subject.

[rights]

When my CC son was around 5 years old, we were at the city park, and he was playing with 2 or 3 AA children. A CC girl walked up to him and asked, "Why are you playing with those N's?

I was so angry and sad at the same time. I saw the hurt on those children's faces. I took time and explained to them that there are alot of ignorant people in the world and it's not there fault.

That was the 1st time my son had heard this word. I told that little girl to go ask her Mom and Dad if it is O.K. to call people this name. She ran to her parents who were sitting out of hearing distance. I was amazed how fast they put her little butt in the car and left.

I don't know where she learned this word but, I know kids learn alot of extra stuff on the playground.

I'm so sorry for the pain that this has caused your family.

[AdrienneG]

I personally feel the worst you can do is not teach your children what they are supposed to do or say if someone calls them the N word.

Having grown up in a AA family, we were taught exactly what to do if it happened. My mother's advice was do not even respond because that is not your name and you are not N's. My father got angry and said to ball up your fist and pop 'em. My parents tried... but my point is that parents (no matter their race) can help their AA children by
giving them some things they can say to the child who called them the N word.

Knowing what to do can make a child feel empowered instead of feeling helpless or confused or leave them naive as to what the word really is.

My 2 cents.

--AdrienneG