[cmwatt]

I am a single prospective adopter, hoping to start my homestudy soon. My best friends are so supportive in my decision to adopt, they have three wonderful boys (age 4, 8 and 10) who I am really close to. They call me "Auntie", we see each other every day, and my spare room is more or less theirs, they take it in turns to sleep over each weekend.
I am worried about their reaction to me adopting! The four year old overheard us discussing it and was adamant that I "don't need a baby", that he is my baby. I tried to discuss the idea with the 8 year old and he too was adamant that I don't need a child, where would he sleep, the child would always be around etc. And a "double no-no" to a girl!
I know I am a long way off from a match, but feel I need to start preparing them now. Any ideas??

[azucena]

I have 2 nieces who were very much used to being the only children in the family before I got my daughter. They've adjusted pretty well, but will once in awhile show a little posessiveness, especially when I make or give my daughter special things. I've had the hardest time teaching them what adoption is; especially it's permanancy. I also worry when my daughter is older, if they will say things that unintentionaly hurt her. Like last time I saw my 4 yr. niece, she informed me that she thought A's "first mommy" was a bad person for not loving A. I tried to tell her that you can love someone and still give them up, but I don't think she bought it.

[crick]

Our niece was excited at first but when she realized that they were here to stay AND her place was no longer 1st in our lives, she really had a hard time, despite all the preparation. Kids need some adjustment time, just like a sibling does when a new child comes into the family.

Some things we did to help her...

- involved her in the process as much as we could beforehand and always talked about it with her. For instance, when I knew of the sex and age, I took her shopping with me and let her pick out some clothes, toys etc. that I was getting for them. Also made sure to get her a little thing too.

- when my family had an adoption shower for us, our niece was very involved and several family members gave her gifts as well to celebrate her being a cousin

- she helped decorate their rooms & arrange the furniture etc.

- when the kids met her for the first time, it was at her home so she felt less threatened.

- Since the kids were younger than her, we talked a lot about how she could help teach them things like how to play, make up games etc.

- When she spent the night, we made sure she got individual time with us as well. Let her stay up past the kids' bedtime etc.

- to help foster the relationship between all the kids, we made sure they all spent time individually with her and she found out how much fun it was to have them around. And they fell in love with their big cousin as well.

- about a month before the kids came, we gradually spent less time with her so it wasn't an abrupt ending from one day to the next. Hated to do this, but it did help her adjust better after the kids came and we couldn't spend as much time with her. We did however call her daily and send little notes in the mail.

Basically our main thing was to keep reminding her how important she is to us and how much we love her. Talked a lot about the fact that we have more than enough love to go around and just because you love someone new, doesn't mean you stop loving others.

Just keep talking to them and the good thing is they do have a lot of time to adjust to it.

Crick