[echaos]

Being that I am white, and have always lived in predominently white areas, I have never been personally subjected to or suffered from racism. My intimate circle of family and friends includes people of all shapes, sizes, colour, nationalities, relgions, sexual orientations and physical abilites.

My problem is this:

We are really good friends with our neighbours, Ted and Diane, whom we have know for the last 6 years. They are our parents age, and have kids our age, but we have really clicked. We get together every couple of weeks for dinner, they drive me to work every morning, we help each other out with yard work and snow shoveling and the are some of the ONLY people that we will leave Liam with. Liam LOVES them to pieces. He runs to the window every time he hears their car so that he can wave to them, will take my hand and get me to take him across the street to visit with them and he has to give them hugs and kisses every night before we can go in from playing.

but...

While we were driving to work today we were discussing a local news article about a robbery. I commented on the accused's last name, as it is an unusual name and I work with a woman with the same name so I was wondering if they were related. Ted spoke up saying "I wasn't surprised to see the name, after all it's a "FOREIGNER'S" name, and you know what "THOSE PEOPLE" are like. !!

I was speechless......

I don't want Liam hearing comments like that! While I realize that I can't protect him from everythign forever, I never dreamed that I would hear them from someone that we love and respect.

Should I have said something to them? Had Liam been with us, should I have said something to him? How do you deal with this????

[kamamsm]

You could say, very sweetly, "We believe souls have no color." You could use the word race or ethnicity ( I can't spell lol!)

[stacyone]

I have that problem with my in-laws.... I've come to the conclusion that they can say whatever they like in public or at their house, but at my house I'll call 'em on it. In addition, if they ever say anything in front of my daughter, I plan a pointed "Ahem!" and gesture to her. I hope they'll get the hint.

I'd love to say, "Oh, I'll just never talk to them!", but what does that teach Molly about forgiveness and unconditional love? It's actually a good opportunity to teach her that everyone has their own little quirks and flaws, and sometimes you just love them anyway.

Can't wait to hear what you decide to do!

[crick]

Sometimes I'll say "gosh! In all the time I've known you, I never realized you have a problem with XX people and I'm surprised to hear you say that." That usually leads to a discussion where they are coming from etc. Or I'll just simply say, "hey, I don't appreciate that kind of talk." My kids are at the age where they listen to other adults speaking and I always be sure to say something so they know it's not okay.

My 6 year old daughter had an incident at school this past year where other peers were saying "white is better than brown" and that led to a whole new realization for me as a parent that I need to step up my role and be sure they understand that in our home, we do not discriminate. I have books about all kinds of people and their differences and we talk about how everyone is different and it's okay. I also talk about the fact that they will meet people who don't think the same way and can be mean and it's okay to disagree with them.

For me, I can only hope that what I teach in the home will override what the kids hear outside the home. I also think my kids see differences a bit better since they have me for a mom who has a disability and are quite protective of that. I think as Liam gets older, he'll also recognize the differences in your own family and will help pave the way in understanding other differences and dealing with people who make remarks like that.

Crick

[redhedded]

Hi Andy. Maybe not what you are looking for, but since you asked for a dialogue, here is my two cents.
You cannot protect Liam from the world and what people will do or say; however, you can give him a sense of what is right and ethical and the foundation and security to express such convictions, regardless of the climate and popularity of his view. I think we, as parents of any child, cannot ignore such comments that will contribute to how our children perceive themselves and the world; it is especially true when raising a minority child or being a member of any non-traditional family. Consistently ignoring such expressions is equivalent to the approval of them. The comments of your neighbor is particularly disconcerting to me for several reasons. First, it perpetuates that idea that anyone not of Western European ancestry is a "foreigner," which is well, laughable. Secondly, if he knew much about US history (and Canadian too, I think), he would know that "those people" contributed to the construction of and maintenance of our society, both literally and figuratively.

Andy, I would never presume to know anything about your neighbors other than what you have shared here and would NEVER try to offend you; however, is there not a small part of you that wonders if they are so open about a distaste of those who do not share their experience or at least make assumptions about them that they would not do the same, in different company, about same sex partnerships.

I think it entirely appropriate even weeks after such a transgression to broach this subject with the adults. Maybe you could tell them that you have been thinking about the exchange in the car and that you were upset or offended. Maybe you could tell them that you do not define and label people in such a manner in your home and that in a continued relationship with Liam you would request the same of them. I think racism is so insidious; often times people, when approached about something they said might deny the implied meaning or say, "well I did not mean . . ." I have always found it most confounding that there is an assumption by some that if you share "whiteness" expression of such views is appropriate or fair game. My sister, as a very successful attorney in the good ole boy system of Texas, with an Eastern Indian husband, has had many such experiences.

You clearly care about them and their great relationship with Liam; it is obvious. We, too, have a diverse group of friends who differ in religion, ethnicity and sexual orientation. If such an infraction occurred with me, about any of these differences, they would never have the pleasure of my company again. They would not get an explanation either. Liam is so lucky to have you as a mom.

[TSSR]

My daughters were across the street at the park. I am caucasian, my husband is caucasian born in New Zealand and raised in Australia. MANY in those countries are not caucasian.

Anyway, a little black girl asked them, HEY ARE YOU MIXED? As I believe she was mixed.

My oldest daughter, 10, said "Yeah, My dad is from Australia, my mom from San Diego and we are from Washington!"

I had to laugh as they told me this story. What a SWEET perspective.

And now in our case, the girls can be ANY NATIONALITY. We do not know. People tell us WHAT THEY ARE IN THEIR OPINION!

We had been in Idaho and the mothers pulled the white children away from ours at a playground! We were on vacation, it was like the Twilight Zone! Places still like that, YUK!

I experienced racism as an American living in Australia. I believe that can be worse than most racism in this country! Most of the rworld do not like YANKS.

So - - we all can have our share...but we know what is right. We know that God created all of us equal.

Funny, I never even think about the girls SKIN COLOR. Other than they get a better tan than I do!

[TSSR]

PS My grandparents are about the worse case scenario when it comes to prejudice. But they do love our girls, I think this has made a difference in their life. But every race is no good to them, including their own! They are the first to admit it!

So go figure...

[Just Julie]

I agree with redhedded that you ought to bring up the subject again. The world needs to know that prejudice of any kind is unacceptable. If those of us who "know better" ignore it, who is left to change the world? If we allow comments like that to go unchallenged, those kinds of opinions will not only flourish but multiply. In addition to promoting good causes in the world, we must also be about stamping out evil.

[Jenna599]

i am generaly pretty blunt when it comes to calling people on rasist sexist coments, however i can also appriciate not wanting to cause a rift between friends. i have seen lots of good sugestions but i just wanted to add my 2 cents worth, i would deffinatly say somthing to them about it. no one will ever learn that they need to change if no one ever says anything to them about it.



-Jen
lesbian mom adopting 2 kids, also an adoptee

[spaypets]

Redhedded was exactly right in her assessment. Silence is always taken as agreement.

As both the daughter and the mother of "foreigners" I wouldn't have ever let the remark pass. But since you did and since you want to continue being friends, I think you have to say something.

I'm with Red in the fact that since this is an optional relationship (not one caused by family) I would stop being friends because I think such prejudice is indicative of larger problems. There are relationships where one must ignore such remarks (inlaws, stepparents) but a neighbor, no matter how outwardly "nice" isn't one of them.

Sorry you discovered something so ugly next door.

[roomformore]

If Liam is benefitting from this relationship and loves these people think how cruel it would be to stop seeing them. I definately dont agree with your neighbors views but he is entitled to his own opinion. If you dont want your son to hear such things address it with them. I had to with my parents. And if my parents slip and say something racist my kids know that we believe differently and that is just Grammy and Papa! Just because your neighbors have some racist views does not make them all bad! They love your child and seem pretty accepting of your same sex partnership? I wouldnt make an issue of it unless you hear it again and then nicely expain how you feel differently and don't want Liam exposed to comments like that. But lets face it racism is everywhere and you cannot always shield him. Some African Americans descriminate on how dark their skin is. And what about the kid always picked last to be on a team at school. Isnt this just another form of racism/classism?

[dadfor2]

echaos,

wow!!!! what a bummer....but you know you have to say something...

i would not end a friendship over it...people are going to say inappropriate things all the time, ITs unavoidable, and liam will find that out soon enough...as all our kids will find out as they get older...

but we all have our jobs to do as parents, and thats to teach diversity, like crick said....

maybe say something like.......

"So, remember when you mentioned the foreigner comment, well it really kinda bothered me, we are trying our best to raise liam without any prejudice, so if there is away that you can kinda keep those opinions to yourself, i would appreciate it...

Kids have big ears, and you never know when they are listening,

I really dont want to be put in a situation that i would have to explain to liam why our friends say things like that, never alone strangers...."

it just might open up something for discussion...but what a thing to hear from your FRIENDS.....

I think you can move on from the comment, but the REAL issue is , you wont be able to forget...

im sorry...that stinks...

dadfor2

[roxanna425]

Originally posted by stacyone
I have that problem with my in-laws.... I've come to the conclusion that they can say whatever they like in public or at their house, but at my house I'll call 'em on it. In addition, if they ever say anything in front of my daughter, I plan a pointed "Ahem!" and gesture to her. I hope they'll get the hint.

I'd love to say, "Oh, I'll just never talk to them!", but what does that teach Molly about forgiveness and unconditional love? It's actually a good opportunity to teach her that everyone has their own little quirks and flaws, and sometimes you just love them anyway.

Can't wait to hear what you decide to do!

It's not a little quirk or flaw, like a chipped tooth. I am Latino, my husband white and we have had this conversation too. I have decided that what tolerating DOES teach is that racism is ok. Just like bullying, namecalling and other forms of inappropriate behavior, shaking your shoulders and saying "oh well" implies that it's ok. As others have said you doin't want to cause a rift with neighbors so I'd talk to them but as a person of color I'd not interact with them aymore, sorry.

[Just Julie]

Next time I'd hear a racist comment I'd jump right on it. "What did you say? Did I hear you correctly?" That would cause them to have to repeat it or retract it, which they might well do after realizing you were offended. Then you could discuss the issue even with little ears listening. It would be good for them to hear also. Children understand so much more than we give them credit for. As for the neighbor, I wouldn't break off the relationship but rather strive to whittle away at the foundation of their prejudicial beliefs over a cup of tea or while raking leaves. It could be a long but fruitful discussion. Perhaps their judgement is clouded by some past personal experience.

[AdrienneG]

An AA child can develop low self esteem if his parents do not even speak up for him/her when people say racist things in his presence. He is hearing his own family say something that means that he's not good enough in their eyes. I think that silence is a form of ignoring how racism can affect a child's developing self esteem.


Adults already have an identity and a sense of who they are but a child is still being shaped by his life experiences. And an AA child should not grow up thinking they are not cherished enough for their parents to speak up when something racist is said in their presence.