[echaos]

Our son Liam is 23 months old. I work outside of the home and my partner Hilary is a stay at hom mom. Our current *issue* is that when I am home Liam will not go to Hilary, pushes her away etc... If he wakes up during the night I am the only one that can comfort him. He will still play independely and is not clingy to me the whole time I'm home. I feel awful when he pushes Hilary away. She says that she understands, but I know that it still hurts.

How do you deal with this? Is it a phase? I know that he loves her and is well bonded, but I wish we could find a happy medium.

Thanks

[lambeausam]

Andy,

My mom experienced the same thing when we were growing up. She was home with us and tended to our every need. However, once dad walked in the door, we focused on him. Same type of reactions you are seeing with Liam. To help Hillary, try doing something that the three of you can do together. If Liam tries to exclude Hillary, help him understand that "we are doing this together." However, that being said, I am sure you know how important it is for him to have some one-on-one time with you.

Best Wishes!

Sam

[Cheryl62]

When my 7 year old daughter was around 18 months old, my youngest son was born. Both me and my husband worked full time. Up until our youngest was born, we never really saw that behavior. But when I took a several month maternity leave to stay home with her younger brother, my daughter started doing the exact same thing. She wanted me and only me during the daytime (no longer would our adored babysitter, and almost 2nd mom to our kids, do), and would only accept her Dad's attention at night for things like her bath, snuggle time, or even play. At the time I kind of thought it was to "punish" me for being busy with her new little brother.

But, I noticed that about 6 months later when I had to go on my first business trip after she had been born, she did the same thing in reverse when I got home. Not for one day, or two, but for about a month! Hurt hubby's feelings too, I know. The more he (or I) tried to push her to spend that time with the "neglected parent!", the more she refused, and became more determined in that refusal. I've always kind of thought it was her way of dealing with changes, and with people appearing and disappearing, however temporarily, and asserting some kind of "control" on what she really couldn't understand very well yet.

By the time she was a little over two, it stopped. (Though I have to say, about that age, a new stage developed -- one of "punishing" the absent parent on return, just a bit!)...

Enjoy your sweet son - he is adorable... I miss those ages now, with my oldest 18, and soon off to college, and the youngest in kindergarten.

[spaypets]

Kids go through phases when they prefer one parent over the other. Wait a month or so and he'll have a fit when Hilary leaves the room.

DH is a stay-at-home dad and I work outside the home. When we travel, DD doesn't want to be with anyone but me. I've held her on airplanes, in trains and on buses. DH might as well not even be there. Never mind that he's taking care of her every day--I'm apparently the travel parent!

[Jensboys]

I am a SAHM with 4 boys ... the youngest one is 3. He tells me REGULARLY every day "Mommy I love you but only until Daddy gets home, then I love him". And sure enough, as soon as Daddy walks in the door I am told, "Mommy I dont love you anymore only when Daddy is at work". Daddy is his favorite, his best friend, the biggest, coolest and best. And thats just fine with me!

You know what -- it doesnt bother me AT ALL. Maybe because its my fourth? But I am thrilled with the fact that Daddy feels so special and really, the break is kinda nice because I know for sure that while Daddy is gone -- I am the favorite and have to do all the associated work.

[echaos]

I first posted this almost a year ago. Liam is now 33 months old, and this reared it's *ugly* head on the weekend. Liam and I were playing when Hilary came downstairs to join us. Liam threw a HUGE fit, all the while screaming "go Away Mummy{Hilary}". She was really hurt. and ended up in the bathroom in tears. I was torn between trying to comfort both of them... It was not pretty.

On an intellectual level Hilary understands Liam's response. but on an emotional level, it sucks! I had a long talk with Liam about not using these words, that their not nice, that it hurt Mummy's feelings etc... I know that he is still young for empathy, and that when he says "Sorry" he is just repeating it because he was told too.

How do we deal with this extreme situation??

[kllee4]

I was similarly hurt when my third son "turned" on me when he was about a year old. I was home with the boys and he couldn't get enough of me, but as soon as his dad got home, I couldn't go near him! Needless to say, he may have felt second best because #4 was on the way. There was no turning back after his baby brother was born and he is now 10 and he and his dad are best friends! I often hear them whispering together and then they both break into a big smile when I look in their direction and immediately stop whispering. They won't even tell me what they were talking about! Baby boy clearly favors me over his dad so I guess we each have one that prefers the other. Hubby used to travel periodically and he had no choice but to cling to me and allow me to care for him, but when Daddy was around, watch out........it was "Mommy who?"

I'm sort of with Jensboys, that for me, it bothered me a little in the beginning but I guess with 4 of them, it's kind of nice that they each have a favorite. I guess we are also dealing with kids slightly older, although it definitely occurs periodically throughout their growing up. When they are sick, the roles reverse and we become the others' favorite (if that make sense). That's our time to dote on the others' favorite!

Hang in there, I'm sure his behavior will even out soon. It's hard for them to articulate at this age exactly what they are feeling and he is going to need a lot of patience. Maybe you and your partner should squeeze in some "date" nights without him to focus on one another and then individually spend time with him. He'll come around eventually since he's still rather young! I'm sure everything will work out. Good luck!

[leaabc123]

My partner travels most weeks and is usually gone Mon-Fri. We just got a foster placement of two girls (ages 2 1/2 and 13 months) We are on the 4th week.
This past weekend, the 2 year old wanted my partner o do stuff for her, like getting her plate, reading a story, etc. This was fine for me, as I am exhausted by the time Friday rolls around.
I think it is a thing of novelty. A "new" person is home and they want to be with them. I think talking with him is a good start and also taking time for yourselves as well. Tantrums are things to be ignored (unless there are safety issues).
Perhaps, you and your partner should start playing one of his favorite games (or toys) while he is in the room and see if he will join the both of you. Overall, this is something he will outgrow.

[Jensboys]

Andy, maybe if you took the approach with Hilary that its because he is SO secure in his attachment to her (knows she is always going to be around, knows he gets to play with her all day every day) that he can react strongly to wanting some time with his other mom.

If she sees it NOT as a rejection to her, but as evidence of his strong attachment to her and utter faith that she is always available to him if he needs her, she might feel better about this normal developmental stage.

[crick]

Andy - I've been where Hilary is and sometimes it hurts and sometimes I'm okay with it. It's hard to not take it personally at times, that's for sure!

Can you maybe start introducing Liam to the concept of "Family Time"?

Maybe during the week after you come home from work, you and Liam spend 1/2 hour alone together which gives you both that one on one time and gives Hilary a much needed break. And then start explaining on the weekends when both you and Hilary are home that it's family time where all 3 of you spend time together.

My dh does the bath/bed time routine by himself pretty much every night and usually plays with the kids while I'm getting dinner ready. So that gives them the "just daddy time". On the weekends, if our schedule allows it, I usually take a few hours to myself for a break and their alone time, but then the rest of the weekend is all about the family where all 6 of us are spending time together.

Liam might be a little young to completely understand it all, but he can start grasping the concept a bit. Especially if you have some set routines where he'll know what's going on.

Hang in there!

[spaypets]

The other thought I have, Andy, is that it is simply NOT ok to through a tantrum even if Liam has a preference. Pitching a fit like that would guarantee my dd that I would leave the room and all the fun we were having would cease. It's ok to have a preference, right now my long suffering DH is being railroaded every night to put DD to bed because she likes his reading of Winnie the Pooh better than mine (and I was the theater major!). But it's never ok to have a tantrum to get what you want. In fact, throwing a tantrum will pretty much guarantee you get exactly the opposite.

[redhedded]

Andy, maybe if you took the approach with Hilary that its because he is SO secure in his attachment to her (knows she is always going to be around, knows he gets to play with her all day every day) that he can react strongly to wanting some time with his other mom.

If she sees it NOT as a rejection to her, but as evidence of his strong attachment to her and utter faith that she is always available to him if he needs her, she might feel better about this normal developmental stage.

Agree with Jensboys 100%! This has happened in my house with both dh (who works a lot) and with my mom. My dd wants some time away from me, knows that I am always always here and will ask me (politely) to leave the room and not come back! I am never offended because I know that the above from Jen is from which it stems.