[SusanD60]

I have a 23 year old daughter. She is immature for her age. She is constantly choosing boys that are no good for her. She is constantly "looking for love" often when her relationships fail she accuses me of ruining them. All I did was make a comment about what was wrong with the boy and try to make her see his faults. For example one of them smoked pot. Her newest one is so self involved and so immature. His insecurities are driving me crazy. I am really stupid though, cause I let him stay in our home sleeping on our sofa. He was kicked out of his apartment cause his room mates found someone who could pay more for rent. His family is from another state. He also is 23 and is going through a divorce which isn't final yet. I love my daughter so much and I want her to be happy. I didn't want this boy to sleep in his car, and he told my daughter it was either that or he would have to move back home with his mom. I do some what like him, and I am hoping that he will out grow this self centerness for my daughter's sake. I want to point this out to her, but I know that would be a big mistake cause she will through it up in my face if and when they break up. He is saving up the money for a security deposit and a few months rent so he will be out soon and in his own apartment. My question (sorry this is so long) keep my mouth shut? Tell my daughter what I think?

[HappyMomAnna]

Your question is not too long.
My birthchildren are 19 & 20 and both are actually mature for thier ages...... Let me tell you one word of advice----No matter what we tell our adult children it will be deemed wrong by them---no matter hwat happens we will have some reason to be blamed for everything that happens in their lives.

Having said this, it does not mean we do not have the right to add our own two-cents....... and I have found it is more about my delievery then what the content is..... I always start with a statment that, "I am your mother and it is my job to worry about these things....you can take what I say with however much weight you wish---but, I am going to tell you what I think....." and then I say it....once.....and do not argue with them. If they want to argue I just tell them that was not the reason I said what I said, and that I have simply done my job by telling them what My MOTHERING instincts have told me to say.......

We had the problem with a boy wanting to spend the night on our sofa......his excuse was that he was simply too tired to drive home after a date..... We told him he would need to start home sooner in the future if he wanted to contiue to date her. Because after giving in one time it went on and on.......

Our rule is that our children sleep in their own beds....we don't do dates on the sofa and anything beyond our rules will require you to pay rent on your own aparment for you to set your own house rules.

[dl]

"I didn't want this boy to sleep in his car, and he told my daughter it was either that or he would have to move back home with his mom."

Why didn't you just allow him to move back home with his mom? By letting him stay at your home you have encouraged your "immature" daughter to continue a relationship with a self-centered 23 year old that is still married and can't afford to support himself. Seems a little late to tell her what you think ~ your actions have spoken more than words.

[SusanD60]

Hi Anna, Thank you and you are right. Everything that goes wrong always has been and will continue to be "my fault" Maybe when she matures she will see it differently. I always try to be there for her and anyone else who needs help. Since he was her friend, and yes "boyfriend" and needed some place to live for a while I didn't see anything wrong with that. I would hope someone would be kind to my child if I wasn't there and they needed help. I don't think twice about stopping to help someone in need. So why not someone my daughter knows. I may of been reading it wrong but I sensed disapproval and felt like you were judging me, dlouis. If I am wrong, I will apologize right now, but if I am not I don't think it is justified. I have always taught both of my daughters to show, and practice kindness to everyone. Yes, sometimes that kindness is misused, but often not. Often, it is greatly appreciated. Oh and as far as encourging my daughter to continue the realtionship with a self centered 23 year old, well, I didn't know he was that way until I got to know him better. And he could have worse faults. These are some with maturity he can outgrow.

[dl]

No, I was not "judging you". I was only responding to what I read in your post. You said "Her newest one is so self involved and so immature. His insecurities are driving me crazy." and "I am really stupid though, cause I let him stay in our home sleeping on our sofa." Seems to me you made a judgment on yourself.

I also believe in kindness towards others and helping people when they need it. However, you did mention that he could have moved in with his own Mother. Considering the relationship with your daughter, your disapproval and the fact that he is still married, personally I just feel that would have been more appropriate. Again, not "disapproval" or "judging", just an opinion.

[HappyMomAnna]

I think it is so hard to parent our grown children...... We want the best for them and we want them to be safe and OK.....

I just got off the phone with my mother. She is crying again. After 12 years and thousands of dollars, last March she advised my brother (34) that in July he would need to assume responsibility for himself and the three children his wife abandonded..... My mother has co-signed for their rented house, paid move in costs, given him a washer, dryer, fridge, all the furinature, filled the cupboards with food, and then paid his rent for July, August, September......helped him get his real-estate license, and left him in charge of her business--the one she had spend 15-years building.....all this after nearly three years of letting him and his children live with her...........yet he has not even managed to find rent for a single month........even with paid child care, food stames and a check from the state of over $500.00 a month.....not one month has he managed to support himself....

How did this happen? How is it that one of three children could fail so hard......? Well, at 17 he lost his parents marriage---they were divorced and he suffered. He suffered every day. He married and had three children yet never kept a job.....because his mother felt such deep guilt over her own divorce that she always came running and helping........no questions asked. This man is ruined by the love of his mother. This mother has spend her own retirment. Run up all her credit cards, and is left crying over fear that her grandchildren may be spending the holidays sleeping in a broken down car...... How could this have been different?

I remember about the time my parents ---the same ones this borther has---divorced...I was young and married with two children under the age of 3.....and once needed the money to pay my electric bill and called daddy---who said NO. NO? how could he care so little? I sold one of my dolls from my collection and paid my own bill and learned that I had to be responsible for my own life.....The very best thing my father ever did for me. How easy it would have been to give me the $45.00 I needed.......and he knew I would repay....but, I never would have learned that day what clearly my brother has not learned......I have to do it. I have do what I have to do no matter what.....

Watching my brother and knowing my own life, I have learned a few things I might not have learned otherwise. I have had to learn to say, "No to my children" No I am sorry that is something you will not die without......no that is something I think you can figure out a way to accomplish.....no I don't have a $100.00 because you bounced a check....I can teach you how to balance you books so it does not happen again....but, I cannot bail you out. I am sorry tuition went up this year.....but, I can still only give you what I promised I would....isn't there a job you can do for the rest.....

We don't help our children by giving them the answers to their problems.....we keep them dependant. It is horrible to see a grown man begging and using his own children as pons in his game of dependance...... It hurts to know that the state is going to call me soon and ask if I can take in my nephews and niece.....It is going to be hard for me. Because I will do this as long as my brother cannot be here too....he needs a job and no more excuses for his own failures. He needs to be a man and as much as I love my mother--I blame her.

With my children I tell them exactly what they can expect from me. You may go to college and I will give you $1,200.00 in September and $100.00 a month that is all---find the rest if it is important to you I know you can do it. You will always have a safe place to sleep in my home--but, these are the rules you must live by should you choose to stay with me.

It seems like help when we do a good deed and give someone a break. We have to watch ourselves and not teach these young people to expect a break because they have a good story to tell. A 23-year old should go home to his parents before coming to a stranger..... We have to ask ourselves why he thinks it is so bad he cannot ask his own mother...... A common game with young people these days seems to be the story of how bad their lives have been and why they are handicaped. Why they cannot talk to their own families..... Yes, many children have bad relationships with their parents but, the question needs to be asked--why?

There are a lot of things our young peopel can do to get by. To survive and we need to teach them to think this way while they are still young. When my brother first ran home to mommy he was just 22 with a girlfriend--who was pregnant. Three kids later and 12-years he is still that same little boy.....with nothing to show for all the money and support that he has recieved--except for a bad attitude and an inability to even provide for himself.

Too many older adults are now in this situation. So many of us have raised our children feeling we have somehow caused them to have a striek aggainst them..... that we need to be responsible and help them to overcome.....to the point our own safety and security is risked. How many grandparents are raising not one--not two but, three of their grandchildren? I know a woman who has lived her life raised her children and worked hard and now because her children have sucked her dry she cannot even get a telephone..... she is bankrupt. she is too old to work and too old to recover from the helping she gave her children.....

We have to help our young adult children learn the same skills that make it possible for us to even be a source of help to them. It is like saving the drowning person--if we are not very careful we too will drown. I take this to every aspect of mothering my adult children. Values, morales, and financially---I do not compromise. I am always good for luch--but, not rent. Always a good ear to cry too--but, I will not turn a blind eye. My values made me who I am--the person you come to in need.... I want you to date a boy with the same values I raised you with.
You have a choice to join him in the choir of, "my parents did me wrong" or to stand up be strong and find a boy who is made of the same stuff you are. It is a red flag for a young person to not want to go home to his own parents....... maybe they know something you don't yet.

Maybe it is my son who knows I expect him to do what he has to do--sleeping on your sofa, not wanting you to know I do love him, but expect him to be responsible for the choices he makes? He could come home to me too---but, there would be work to do and responsibitlities here---it would be nice to have a warm sofa in the home of his girlfriend....and so much easier then answering to me......

Just wanted to share a little more....... this is such a hard part of parenting.

[Lindsie]

Susan,
I'm only 23 myself (and have no idea regarding my own maturity ) but i know that if my mother said anything negative regarding one of my boyfriends then i would definately be hurt and offended. My current partner has a brother that sounds quite similar to your daughters boyfriend. Basically his behaviour is a direct result of never having to take responsibility for his own actions. Perhaps you could sit down with the boyfriend and explain that if he wishes to remain living with you, then he will have to pay board and live by your rules. This means that he may have to get a job (if he doesn't have one) and this will minimise your contact with him and possibly force him to grow up a little. I don't think that you should tell your daughter how you feel unless you are absolutely positive she won't take it the wrong way, and as you describe her as immature then this seems unlikely. If your daughter gets mad about you asking him to pay rent explain to her that you can't afford to keep paying for him but you really want her to be happy and that this is the only way that you can keep him close. This has the added bonus of possibly making him move out/get a job etc while making your daughter think that you are the good guy.