[twofor]

My 8 year old daughter (newly adopted less than a year ago)
is a bright talented child who has decided that school is for socializing and not learning. Girls are definately wired differently than boys.
How do I motivate her to use her time wisely, and slow down and do her best work?
We've tried loss of tv, cd player etc. Time outs, natural consequences...and I have had 2 conferences with the school already.
She has an extremly strong will. (this is how she has survived)
She can be quite manipulative and defiant.
I would appreciate any suggestions from parents of girls.
Thanks

[cj416]

I wish I had some suggestions, but I don't. I have an 8 year oldd boy that thinks school is for drawing comics not school work. Then he comes home mad at all the homework he has. We even tried making him miss recess at work. He's not a bad kid, he gets all A's and B's, he just does not manage his time well.
I do have a question for you, we are in the process of adopting a little girl age 0-7. So, my question is could you tell me about your experience with an older child adoption?

[sibmom]

My 8 yr old daughter moved in 3 months ago. She is such a smart kid but she too thinks school is for socializing and having fun. Somedays she will bring home great grades and the next day poor grades. She also has dramatic mood swings which makes it tough to get her off to school in the morning and get her to bed at a decent time (8pm).

We have taken away tv time, video games etc etc.. but that has not helped much. We just started a reward system that everytime she does something when asked, or finishes homework, asks politely for things etc. she gets a sticker on a chart. When this chart is full she can redeem it for more tv time or a prize we haven't determined as of yet.

She was excited about this at first but now doesn't seem to care if she gets a sticker or not. We have created for her a loving and safe home. I feel she is just "testing" the waters with us. So I am also interested to hear how other parents are motivating their children!

[twofor]

well at least I know I am not the only Mom out there...

As far as older children adoption. I have no regrets. My husband and I went through our local social services. We searched for over a year before we were matched with our children. It is not a quick fix, and you must be your own advocate.
Then once the kids are home you must have the strength and patience to bond. The first few months our 2 were home we heard a lot about their previous foster parents. Your daily routines will be different, and they're gonna compare households.
We tried really hard not to take it personally. This is part of the process for them to let go.
We also did a legal risk adoption. Our papers weren't final until Sept. So we had our kids for almost 5 months before we could tell them they were ours forever. Emotionally this was hard.
Instead of a relief, when our kids heard they were adopted, they let it all hang out. My son has ADHD and has had trouble adjusting to school. My daughter who is an honor roll kid, is daydreaming and choosing friends over learning.
I am on a first name basis with most of the school staff. I am in the school at least once a week.

I am sure there isn't a "recipe" to make this easier each child is unique. We can say that consistency, and daily routines have helped.
Good luck!

[crick]

We too have a 5 year old daughter who started kindergarten this year and have already gotten a look ahead to the future of how her school experience might be. (long road! :0)

Our daughter is also very bright, strong willed, and has a tendency to not only boss the other children around but also tells her teacher what to do! Does it all very nicely but thinks that she knows better than the teacher.

Schoolwork is coming very easy for her and after meeting with the teacher twice now, we are adding more challenging work to her schedule. I think part of the problem is that she is bored, so hopefully this will help.

However, like your daughters, her strong willed personality stems from her survival mode in the birth home and even at 5 years of age, she is reluctant to give up that control to adults, especially in the school.

At home, we have found that loss of t.v., timeouts etc. do not have much of an impact. What we are trying now is loss of activities that her brothers still get to do. It seems to have a bigger impact on her when she realizes that even if she misbehaves, it doesn't control what happens in the rest of the household. Quite upset the 1st time we kept her home with dad and I took the boys (3 brothers) to the park to play. I feel awful for "rewarding" her brothers for her misbehavior but that isn't our intent. It's simply that if we have something planned and her behavior doesn't allow her to go, we still allow the boys to go.

At school, we talked with the teacher and gave permission for her to withold treats, stickers etc. if our daughter doesn't behave. She also gets only 1 warning to correct her behavior. Before, the teacher would warn her 3-4 times before action was taken and as I feel it's a test on my daughter's part to see how far she can go, we decided to stop giving her so many chances. She knows not to talk in class, that she must follow directions etc., so I didn't feel the need to have the teacher give her so many chances. After talking to the teacher and figuring out the plan, we talked to our daughter and let her know we were in contact together and went over the plan with her so she knows exactly what will happen.

We just did this last week, so we'll see if anything improves! Now if I can just figure out how to stop the emerging "boy crazy" attitude! Can't believe at 5, she's already saying how cute the boys are in her class and giggles when she sees them! Egads! The teen years are going to be a handful, I can tell!

Don't know if any of this helps, but at least we know we are experiencing similar things!
Crick

[sibmom]

"However, like your daughters, her strong willed personality stems from her survival mode in the birth home and even at 5 years of age, she is reluctant to give up that control to adults, especially in the school." Crick88

YES..I totally agree and understand this now. It def is a control thing. I know it will take sometime for her to let go of this and let us be the adults in her life. But geesh, I feel like the "bad guy" all the time. I def have to stop taking this all so personally.

Girls are such complex creatures aren't they

Some excellent food for thought here! Thanks everyone for sharing!

[mina2u]

I have a 10 year old adaughter. She also has a very strong personality. What I have learned (at least I think I have learned it...lol) is CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES. Once you choose your battles, make a stand. With my 16 year old daughter, I focus on how she feels about herself and her social standing. She is very shy. With her, inviting a friend over to our home is a giant step. How she feels about herself will have a greater impact on her future than if she gets straight A's and B's. Becuase I have taken a more relaxed stand with her, she has been able to keep her grades at an acceptable level. The smile on her face the first time she invited some friends over for lunch was such a treasured moment for me.

Now for my 10 year old...She is very much a social butterfly. She hates doing her homework and turns it into a day long ordeal. She loves to watch TV and play on the nintendo. In order for her to do either, she has to have all of her homework done and her chores done. Her bed time is 8:30 p.m. If she chooses to waste time while doing her homework, then she wont have time to do either.
If I try to rush her at all, she gets a very, very bad attitude. Things can get pretty ugly when she is in one of her moods. When she starts getting an attitude, I give her one warning. If she chooses not to change her attitude, she goes to bed early that night. She hates going to bed early and missing out in whatever we are doing.

What I would recommend is, find something your daughter really likes to do. Use that as your carrot. If she likes to play outside, tell her she needs to have her homework done before it gets dark or whatever may apply to you situation. The hard part is finding the carrot. One of my foster sons loved ice cream...this was his #1 passion. I could get him to eat green veggies (which he hated with all of his heart), or change his behavior if ice cream was made available.

I sure hope I don't end up having to eat my words. We are wanting to adopt a sib group. I know that every child is different.

[twofor]

Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters
by JoAnn Deak , Teresa Barker

I just purchased this book from Amazon this month.
It looks to be promising. Just an FYI to you all.

[HarrysGirl]

Sibmom wrote:

"She was excited about this at first but now doesn't seem to care if she gets a sticker or not. We have created for her a loving and safe home. I feel she is just "testing" the waters with us. So I am also interested to hear how other parents are motivating their children!"

Using positive motivation only worked in my house if I used very short term goals. Waiting for those stickers to add up to an undefined prize is a very hard goal for an 8 year old girl to work toward.

I think in the beginning you need to find a short term goal for her almost daily. Like if she gets 8 stickers by 7pm, she gets to watch half and hour tv or play a game. Sometimes what they need more then the tv is our time. So maybe playing a board game or reading together as the reward might be an even better idea.

I agree the hard part is finding the right "carrot" for your child.

[Peggy]

My daughter did not like or would not adhere to a sticker system at home with me when she first moved in. However it is extremely succesful for school.
I have been told not to worry so much about school the first year. I heard this from my social worker, so I think there is some validity to it. I see my daughter is not alone in her actions and behaviors, I see her in most of these posts.