[nancynic]

Hi,

I bet you thought this thread was about kids not listening to parents. Well, it is actually about kids wanting parents to listen to them! At a parenting class I was teaching, we decided to have the adolescent kids come to a class. I asked them what they most wanted from their parents ... and they all wanted to be understood, accepted and listened to.

Kids don't want to be judged, have their problems solved or be told what to do. They want parent's attention and interest.

So, how can we really be there for our kids?
Be available - take time during each day to give your full attention to your children so they know they can come to you with their concerns, fear, problems and thoughts. Undivided attention is a gift - it means putting aside whatever we are doing to really listen.
Listen for the real meaning - sometimes kids have trouble saying what they really mean so go beyond the words to the real understanding of what lies underneath.
Be open to everything - when we listen without judging we encourage trust, be prepared to hear all the news, not just the 'good news'.

One evening I was driving with my son who was in Junior High School at the time. He mentioned a play at school where two boys were having a conversation about dating. He went on to describe the scenario. It would have been easy to half listen to what he was saying, but something told me this conversation was about more than the play. As he talked more, I was hearing him question the relationship between the two boys and eventually we had a conversation about sexual identity.

Do you have examples of times when listening was really important?
What do you do to open up communication with your kids?

NancyNic

[spaypets]

I understand what you're saying, but here's my question...in these conversations, how do we impart our values?

I believe strongly that there is right and there is wrong and that a person's actions speak to their character. I don't believe that there aren't bad people only bad choices as I keep hearing people say. There _are_ bad people. Doing bad things makes people bad.

So, how do I foster openess and still impart the values that are important?

For instance, if my daughter tells me (this is all conjecture since she's not even 2) that a friend of hers was cheating on a test -- how do I show her that a friend who cheats on a test is not to be trusted in other areas? And, that cheating is _always_ wrong even if you didn't get a chance to study or the teacher is mean or whatever?

If preaching doesn't work, what does? I know about asking questions ie, "What do you think about that?" but what if the answer is wrong "I think it was ok for Candace to cheat because she didn't get a chance to study and she's a good kid and if she failed the test it would keep her from going to Podunk University where she really, really wants to go." Now what do I say?

Ideas?

[stacyone]

I think that's Nancy's point -- to listen instead of teach. At a certain age, kids will ASK what you think, which is our opportunity to tell them. When they're older, however, they just want to be heard. And if listening without judgment is the price to pay for them feeling they can trust us, will that be so difficult?

My sister-in-law has spent her life imparting her values to her kids. She's now reaping the benefits -- when her 15-year-old daughter tells her about a situation involving her peers and questionable behavior, Margie says, "And how do you feel about that?" Usually Lena starts talking and sharing even more and finds her own solution, one that is almost always completely in line to what she's been taught.

[nancynic]

Hi,

thanks to both of you for this dialogue!

It's so important to develop trust and be good role models for our children. No one likes to be preached at or told what to do or how to think.

Communication is vital in all relationships ... we all want to be understood and 'heard' and how we act will be the real teaching for our children.

Would love to hear more ~

NancyNic

[drewnphilipmom]

I have a 14 year old son. I divorced his dad when he was not quite 2. It was just the 2 of us for years before I remarried 5 years ago. He was a big part of my life and at times the only one around to talk to and vice versa. I took time to listen and now I have his friends parents come to me to ask what is going on in school or with their kids because their kids won't talk to them. I think this is because of all the years I listened to Philip. He knows now he can come to me and I will listen and he can trust me. (that is not to say he is not a a teenager sometimes and won't talk but when it is important he knows I am there) His friends parents ask me how I get him to talk to me. I have no magic formula I just turn on my ears.

[nancynic]

Hi,

Listening is magic! A friend told me yesterday that when she is talking 'at' her 8 year old son he says 'too much talking'!

I love the Stephen Covey quote from 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People' ... he says, 'seek first to understand and then to be understood' ... this is so important for parents to 'get' even with little kids ... seeing the world from their perspective is what makes a difference in parenting.

Thanks so much for your post.

nancy