[ELLENABER]

My husband and I have two adopted daughters who have been in our home for approximately 4 years (they were 7 and 9 when they came to us)--they came from a background of abuse and neglect. My daughters and my husband do not get along very well and I'm sure the girls have issues with men from when they were with their birth mom, who dragged them from man to man to man. Their birth father was in prison most of their childhood and subsequently they've never really developed a relationship with a father figure. The problem that is breaking my heart is that my husband has a bad temper and has possibly used inappropriate discipline on the girls (though not in my presence). The girls have reported this to their counselor who is now telling me if it happens again she will report my husband to Child Protective Services. You cannot imagine how humiliating and upsetting this is for me. What's more, I know the girls have lied to me about things in the past and about incidents with my husband that they thought I hadn't seen or overheard. I'm not trying to excuse what my husband may or may not have done, but in all fairness, the girls have lied and exaggerated certain situations in the past. This is ripping my heart out and it's almost too much for me to bear. My relationship with my husband has been deteriorating anyway but we've been married for a long time and I hate to see it end on this note. I love my daughters and want to protect them, but they are putting a huge wedge between me and my husband. I couldn't bear for them to be taken away from me or to be accused of not protecting them. How in the world can I possibly salvage this situation? We are all in couseling and I just made an appointment with a family counselor. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Why do I feel like such a total and utter failure as a parent? Can anyone help or offer words of encouragement? I am beside myself with grief.

Thanks,
Ellen

[lucyjoy]

What did your husband say happened? Also, if the school counselor had heard something abusive, she should have already reported it. As for the wedge between you and your husband, did the kids put it there? The girls have made false allegations before, how do you know this time is different? Are the therapists you're dealing with trained in foster/adopt or attachment situations?
I've had kids tell school counselors I lock them in closets(we have no doors on our closets), I starve them(I'm really not sure where that $600 worth of food went)and I had one really convincing child fool a teacher into thinking I punished him for doing homework. I had a kid tell me my husband beat him when my husband was out of town.
If a child can pit mom against dad, it takes all of the focus off them.
On the flip side, if it really happened, dad can't stay alone with the kids and all discipline reverts to you. Start keeping logs of your children's behavior and consequences. It may also be helpful for you and your husband to attend a parenting class(Love and Logic is my favorite). It will teach a new way of parenting without anger and should something be reported, you've already begun to fix the situation.

[Peaches95827]

Who are you defining is the Counselor? Alot of states mandate Counselors either Clinical or School Environments to be Mandated Child Abuse Reporters. You are extremely very lucky for the warning. Normal circumstances, there is a huge fine involved!

I second with Lucy's statement or opinion

If a child can pit mom against dad, it takes all of the focus off them.

Also with On the flip side, if it really happened, dad can't stay alone with the kids and all discipline reverts 100% to you. Start keeping logs of your children's behavior and consequences. Invest in a 'Nanny camera'. It may also be helpful for you and your husband to attend a parenting class.

I work in Childrens' Services. Your Daughters about an age where 'Hubby' is going to be accused of inappropriate Sexual Activity will be exaggerated.

You need to think of do you want this to be in the newspaper.

[lucyjoy]

"Invest in a 'Nanny camera'"

x10.com has inexpensive camera set ups that can be monitored by VCR or computor if needed. (before anyone flips out, we use these to monitor play areas)

[sweetnoodle]

Ellenaber,

Guess what-- you are NOT a failure as a parent. Even now you are trying to remedy things through family counseling.

To answer another one of your questions, yes, I have been in your situation, exactly, but I was the kid! I am an adoptee, but I was adopted as a baby. My dad had an awful temper, and I wish someone had protected me emotionally and physically from him. It seems like you have been dragged into a no-win situation for yourself at least in regards to your feelings. Who wants to choose between their husband or children? No one.

I'm sorry for your pain. Seems like the children and the husband all need to take responsibility for their own actions. YOU haven't done anything. However, as the mom, you too, have certain responsibilities. Refuse to be the children's pawn or your husband's. Call it like it is to all of them.

I'm glad you love your husband. And I'm glad you love your children. They probably are exaggerating, but please remember that no kind of abuse is really "lesser" than another. Emotional abuse or verbal abuse or rage reactions call all be just as damaging to loved ones, especially children as physical abuse. They may not carry the same legal penalty, but as the mom, you have to address the children's needs in this. The husband is an adult who must seek out his own help.

Please don't think you are a failure. You would only be a failure if you sat back and did nothing. I can tell you love ALL your family. I wish you could find a support group in your area or online. You may also want to mail Dr. Art on this website.

Sincerely,

[Peaches95827]

Also from experience, if a Therapist senses that a child has been forced into Counseling. They will enforce this in the child's best interests.