[ncdean]

I have always said that I wanted two children. (Two hands, two kids was my motto) However, after adopting my son 13 months ago (he joined our family at two days old), my husband and I have come to rethink having two. We had such a great adoption experience and our son's birthmother is wonderful! We are so lucky. Now that our son is with us, we just can't imagine having to share our time with him with another child. The only thing that makes us think about having another is that we do not want our son to feel like he is missing out on something in his life by not being a brother. (Although he does have 3 half biological syblings that he will know about, we are in a semi-open adoption so we do not know if he will get to meet them one day.) Anyone's thoughts or opinions on this? We are unsure of what the right thing to do is. I know that if another child did join our family we would love him or her, but we really enjoy the freedom of just having one. (We both are able to still have some "me" time every once in awhile.) I would like to know some experiences of having an only child - good or bad. Thanks!

[spaypets]

Well, at this point we're likely to be the parents of an only child. Our daughter is so great, we find it hard to believe we could get this lucky twice. And we are entering our 40s--not getting any younger here.

Our situation is different because our daughter didn't have any family for her first 18 months (she was in an orphanage). Our intention is to get her involved in activities with other children for the socialization -- she already has a standing play date every week. And she has to share her parents with two demanding dogs!

Honestly, I think siblings are overrated. She has lots of cousins close to her age who we share family events with. Hopefully she will maintain a relationship with them as the years go by.

I would rather parent one child well than two children badly. Ultimately, it's up to you. Lots of people have only one child--it's much more common now.

[Verncait]

Our oldest daughter was an only child for 10 1/2 years. I believe she enjoyed the enormous amount of one-on-one time with my husband and I. But, she always wanted to be with other children more than she wanted to be with us. She started day care when she was 8 weeks old, so she was around kids her own age group all day long. However, she would still cry when we picked her up to go home. To an outsider I'm sure it appeared that something was not right with us. But, she was totally happy and completely spoiled! She loved us but wanted interaction with children constantly. Caitlin is 11 now and goes out of her way to bend over backwards for her friends. She gives and gives and gives and sometimes is taken advantage of. IMHO, I believe if she had had a sibling to fight and compromise with she wouldn't feel the need to go completely out of her way to please her friends. She would be better able to stick up for her rights and not worry about them still being her friend.

As an adult, I love having sisters. You can share things with your sisters or brothers that you just don't feel comfortable sharing with others. This includes both good and bad times.

[sugarbabysmommy]

We too struggle with raising one or two. Our first adoption was just amazing and we're fortunate to know most of both sides of our child's birthfamilies. And it goes with out saying, but I'll say it any way (proud mom), that our little one is wonderful.

It seems like there is no telling the personality of a child, whether they are more suited to being an only child or sibling, until long after the decision is made by the parents. It may have been that your oldest, Verncait, would have been then same even if she'd had siblings in her younger years. A dear friend of mine was one of four and her sister second to the end was always a people pleaser. It caused her a great deal of unhappiness. The person you wreaked the most havoc in her life was the baby in the family. Now she is a beautiful confident woman who'd finally had had enough and let the world know.

In adoption we can't just say, "Well, we'll stop trying not have another child and see what happens." We have to be so moved to start the process, the sometimes long process. Others have said to me, "You'll know,"- but the clock is ticking, and I'd rather not get my answer another few years down the line when we're in our fourties.

[michellemartin]

my daughter is 6 and is an only child. (I placed my second just recently). The difficulties? She doesnt like to share, she has difficulty playing in groups. (with 1 or 2 she's ok as long as she's the one deciding what to do.) She requires me to entertain her much more frequently than when I have her and a friend or her cousin here. Because of being an only child she isnt as socially apt as some of the kids in her class. She is very bossy. She doesnt like to be told what to do, she likes to do things when she wants. (more of a problem at school than at home)
benefits- She's very independent and knows exactly what she wants. I like her being an only child because I have had so much more time to teach her things that I would not have had time to do if I had another. She is way beyond the kids in her grade for reading and writing, and she is in the top of her class for math and art ability also. I dont believe she would be where she is if I hadnt had so much personal time with her.

[tobeafamily]

Before we adopted Ryan, we were in the same boat - I always said one, maybe two, DH said two. Since Ryan came 2 years ago we both have found that our hearts are full. We also thought about not having a brother or sister - both DH and I are #2 of three kids - to play with. We decided that wasn't a good enough reason for us. It's just not in our hearts to parent another child.

So, he goes to Gymboree and playgroups and will start Montessori in the fall. We have lots of playdates with other kids his age. We make sure he goes to the YMCA to swim and play with other kids. His dog Corky is the same age as him, they play chase in the yard and both love it. Corky followed me home when Ryan was 5 months old (long story but yes, we're sure he didn't have a home) and has been Ryan's constant companion and guardian ever since.

So far, he's a happy, content, easygoing kid who can play on his own, shares OK for a 2 year old, and is comfortable in a small group.

HTH

Regina, Amom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[Verncait]

It seems like there is no telling the personality of a child, whether they are more suited to being an only child or sibling, until long after the decision is made by the parents.

I do have to agree Sugarbabiesmommy. By just reading some of the other posts, your statement seems VERY accurate! I guess we all are who we are regardless of being raised with siblings or not. As a side note: My husband was raised with 4 other brothers and sisters and he is (and always was) extremely bossy! So, perhaps, personality prevails over being an only child or not.

[Dawn-NJ]

I grew up an only child and wanted to have a sister very badly. SInce my mom was window I understood early on that it was not going to happend but I must say that I used to dream about it a lot.
I always knew I wanted to have more than one child, my dh is one of 7 so he was not so sure about wanting many children as he suffer from middle child syndrome and not getting enough attention.
We were fortunate to have a bio daughter from our IVF cycle and after seeing the joy of being a parent, we decided that we really do want more.
My daughter also hates to leave the daycare, although he loves us. She is shy and when she is around strangers she only talks to kids so in our case we feel that she will benefit from having a sibiling, that is why we are on this boards because we are hoping to adopt our next child.
Each family needs to make this very personal choice for thenselves, good luck to you.

[ncdean]

I just wanted to thank everyone for all of their help and advice. It is always great to hear of other people's experiences. While we are still trying to decide if our son will be an only child (the decision will have to be made in the next two years or so for us), we have tried to involve him in many things. He does go to Gymboree once a week and we have met a great group of people there that we also get together with outside of Gymboree once a week. He is also in swim class. My husband has a huge family so he has numerous cousins that live close by that he gets to see often. Since he is only 13 months old, it is hard to tell if he will be able to share well or if he will be bossy, etc.... I agree that personality is something that they are born with. Their environment just helps them shape it. However, he is really good at playing by himself right now. But he also likes to play with someone else too. He has a good mix. But I know that can change. Thanks again for sharing your personal experiences. It had been very helpful.

[BabsCanada]

We are also parents of an only child, and I have sometimes wondered whether we've done her a disservice!
I was 36 when we adopted our dd; about 6 months later, our social worker called to see if we were ready to go to homestudy again, for a second child. We took the realms of paperwork home, I remember finding that a lot of the questions that hadn't bothered me the first time, really irritated me this time! Something along the lines of, Well, we've proven ourselves already haven't we, why do we have to go thru all this again? But anyway, as the months went by, and the sw called to see how we were doing with paperwork, we made a decision - with so many others waiting, and with so much joy in our life with the beautiful child we had, how could we be selfish enough to expect a second?
I asked the sw to withdraw our application and allow someone else in. She said, Whenever you're ready, let me know; you'll have a child within a year. That was a great affirmation! but we never did take advantage of it.

So now dd is 8, and I am 44. Unless something earthshaking happens! she will be our only child. And we're OK with it. She does have older birth siblings, and we do have contact, tho not on a day to day basis. She does sometimes say she wishes she had a little brother or sister. That's a tough one. We make sure that she has a lot of social interaction, she is not a lonely child by any means. Her 'best friend' has been around us since both girls were 3; they spend most weekends together and our family holidays usually include the best friend. I call her my 'second daughter'. I suppose that financially we would have no problem raising a second child; but the fact is, our finances are less stretched with just one, and it's easier for us to do things that we maybe couldn't have done with two. It also means that including the best friend on vacations isn't a hardship, and it is a benefit for her and her single mom too.

All that being said - I do sometimes regret not having adopted a second child when our first was still young. I do sometimes wish that we'd plunged ahead with the paperwork and waiting. As the years went by, I worried too much about what the implications might be, if a second child would disrupt our easy life. Maybe that's being selfish! Most days now I do feel my age - I'm not sure I'd have the energy I did 8 years ago.

Someone posted earlier, I would rather parent one child well than two children badly. I pretty much believe that.

Babs

[ncdean]

Babs,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I am still in the mental debate over what is best for our family. I have had two sisters-in-law have their 2nd babies in the past 3 months so I am going to watching to see how their families adjust to the little ones. Although I know that every family is different.

Nikki

[redhedded]

Dear Nikki, Every family IS different. I have been in that mental debate and not so long ago. Last August, hubby and I were fully resigned to the choice of having one child. My daughter had just turned two; she is wonderful, loving and happy and is the light of our lives. We were certain that we could never love another baby the way that we loved her and wondered what we had done in a former life to have been blessed with her presence! She is extremely bright and very very high needs (sleeps only 8 hours a day); I stay home with her and was not sure how, logistically, I could even manage another.

My dh is an only child, and while I have a wonderful relationship with my own sister, I, too, think siblings are overrated. I know many people who dislike their siblings immensely and choose to spend zero time with them. I am of the philosophy that your family (and sisterhood) is made of the wonderful, supportive and communicative friends that you make along your life journey, and that biology alone does not provide a connection. I had little hesitation in having our dd be an only child.

Just THEN we received a call from the attorney that we worked with when adopting our dd. She asked if we were interested in adopting again, because she believed the little guy scheduled for birth in just three months was for our family. We decided we were ready. We found an independent homestudy social worker and within 10 days we had a completed agency application, criminal background and child registry clearance and a completed comprehensive homestudy.

Now we have a perfect 8 week old son! My heart opened with love for him, just as it did the first time, and I cannot imagine our family without him. I greatly underestimated my ability to love another just as I love my dd. I do not believe in fate or divine intervention; I believe that our life journeys and experiences are a direct result of the choices that we make and the paths that we walk. We decided we were ready and are committed to the task of raising two children.

Our son has a heart condition and after his birth there was grave concern from his medical specialists about what other issues (possible brain injury) that may have arisen due to his extremely traumatic birth. They hoped for the best when running a battery of tests, expecting that he might have a future filled with special needs. Matter not a bit to us; we were there and committed to our son and just wanted to take him home. Were we rational? You bet. Did we know that any special circumstances for him would immensly affect our daughter and her life experience? Sure we did. We also know ourselves, what is important to us and what we are capable of. We made choices based on that and with the knowledge that whatever the outcome, she would learn love, acceptance and strength of character and committment. Fortunately, testing only confirmed that he was healthy and needed some time to recover without "white coats" poking and prodding him.

I think you have to search your heart; only you will know if/when the time is right and you are ready. Honestly, for me, the transition from one to two has been a breeze, both emotionally and physically! My daughter loves her brother immensely, and nary a single transition issue has arisen with her. While I respect the views of the others and agree that I would rather parent one really well than two poorly (or less well), I, frankly, think that I parent two just as well as I did one.

Best of luck in whatever you choose.

[6boysrus]

I am an adoptee, grew up in a wonderful loving home as an only child. I am all grown up and have 6 natural children of my own.

It was hard growing up alone.. but it had its benefits too.. I was spolied rotten and my parents really devoted themselves to me 110 percent.

I think it became harder as I was older.. Especially when my mother died. i had no one to share those feelings with, my father lost his wife, i lost my mother our experiences were very much differnt.

I ended up being extremely outgoing and always loved being around people. I never was a loner in that sense. My parents werent able to adopt a second child, they were past the age limit by the time the waiting list came around to them again. Which is so unfortunate because my youngerbsister and I probobly wouldve grownup together. But we grew up not knowing the other had even existed. Until a few months ago.

From a mothers perspective..raising one can be just as big of a handful as raising two. Now, raising 6!- I can tell you is challenging but boy I am ever so blessed by their presence- even though it can get chaotic around here.

They joy of love is always going to be there whether you have one or two or more children. They grow up being loved equally and will grow to loev one another and have a bond that no one will ever be able to replace.

In my personal opinion.. go for a second one, once it happens, you wnt remember what it was like with just one and you wouldnt have it any other way.

God Bless and good Luck!

[spunky46]

My husband and I adopted a beautiful girl from Ukraine in September of 2003. We are now going to start the process of adopting another one from the United States. We too aren't always sure we are doing the right thing. We have no other children. I have a younger sister and my husband was an only child. We gave the decision to adopt another much careful consideration. My husband describes his childhood as lonely and always looking for a playmate. My sister is 6 1/2 years younger than me, so growing up we didn't always have a lot in common. But, now that we are older with children and husbands of our own, I can't imagine life without her. Our parents are older and naturally we are the first ones to call each other if they have any type of crisis. I hope and pray that we are making the right decision. Our social worker tells us that we may be pushing our luck with #2, but after much careful consideration and thought, we feel it is the right decision.

[LisaCA]

hi,

dh and i are planning to adopt at least once more (though I did joke to dh today that we could adopt each year and take the tax credit each year-the look he gave me was worth the bad joke ). I think dd is quite bossy and could use some lessons on sharing but that's not why. I'd just like at least one more, and I know that when we pass away (we're both in our mid 40s) that dd will appreciate having someone who was raised with her, some family that shared the same experiences-that's what i appreciate about having my younger sister. My parents are about to turn 80 (!). Did I appreciate her at the time we grew up together? no way! She was a big pest who was very annoying and mom made me always be in charge because I was older. having grown up a bit, i also see the good points of having her around . first and foremost she has been the one to take care of my parents while we write checks. She has the empathy and desire to take care of them, while i have the financial means. If there were just one of us we'd be stuck. It works out well this way. With siblings the weight doesn't just fall on one child.

It's a hard decision though. Like red and others have said, you'll figure out what's best for you and your family. good luck!

LisaCA