[BPMOM]

As the mom of a lively 7 year old adopted from China in 1997, most of the time my life is filled with joy.

But, my daughter has always had an issue that she has to be "first" at everything. I thought that when she started 1st grade, things would work themselves out naturally, but...

She has to be first in line at school, first to see a new movie, first, first, first. It is costing her friends and playmates, but, that doesn't seem to matter to her.

She has also developed a nasty habit of denying it when she makes a mistake. For example, last night, she spelled the word Chicago as Shicago. When I asked her to try again, she spelled it the same. When I corrected her to the C instead of S, she started crying that she HAD spelled it with a C. Both her dad and I heard the S.

She gets really good grades in school. But, this nasty habit of always being first and/or right has gotten more intense.

Any ideas what's at the root of this? I would appreciate any help anyone out there can offer!

[AlexasMom]

Hi BPMOM!

I don't know the answer to your question - but, what I can tell you is that I am an only child - and didn't have the need to be "first" at everything. Maybe this is just an inborn personality trait??

As far as the other issue goes - no answers for that, either (lot of help I am, huh??) - but it sounds like she has a fear of "failing"? Does she get a lot of support and encouragement - even when she gives the wrong answer to things?

Good luck.

Teri

[BPMOM]

Yep, all kinds of positive stuff all the time. We have even routinely "failed" on things ourselves and then tried to demonstrate that it's ok by picking up the pieces and moving on.

She spent about 1 year (thanks to the folks at Amenesty International) in the orphanage. I suspect it is somehow rooted there.

Not much I can do to change that aspect...

Anyway, thanks for the thoughts.

[HappyMomAnna]

It isn't unusual for a child to want to be first and always win at everything!!! Some of this is most likely her personality and some of it has been bread in her experiences.....
I have a bio son who has always needed this in his life--He is 20 years old now and still gets irritated if a friend sees a movie first or does something he wanted to do and hasn't done yet..... He always needed to win and once when he was about 8 he accused grandpa of cheating in a game!
Some of the ways we worked to help him develop the ability to cope were to get him involved in co-opertive activities. We found Boy Scouts to be great for him because on one hand he worked as an individual toward merit badges and on the other hand he had to work as part of a team in order to participate in the big activities..... We also found he enjoyed independent sports programs much better then team sports. He loved swim team because his effort was his result and he didn't have the chance to 'blame' a waeker person for his loss.....
We also established a "day" of the week when each child got to be first...pick first, choose the tv show, sit in the front seat (after 10 yrs old) and be off the hook for the evening chores.... Sort of like 'king for the day' and that seemed to help my son deal with the fact during the rest of the week he was not always first and someone else was......
As parents we also stopped feeding his needs..... He always wanted to be the first kid to own a certain game, or movie...we used to put that into our consideration at christmas and Birthdays, but later stopped doing this because he would spend the whole day calling all of his buddies and bragging....it did hurt him socially.
Overall however, I think kids with this personality are just this way............there isn't much we can really do to help them change and sometimes learning that other children won't want to play with you is the best lesson....it hurts to watche our children have these problems, but sometimes it is the best thing that can happen..... Good luck you have a spirited person to raise!