[LeeSimm]

I brought home a wonderful 13 year old in early December. She's a trooper and has begun to adjust beautifully I am inspired by her fortitude, resilience, and patience but have a question.

She never wants to be alone - except when she's in the bathroom or getting dressed (maximum of 5-6 minutes). She gets extremely upset and cries if I ask her to stay in one room while I am doing something else (for instance, stay in the livingroom and watch a movie while I do some work in the next room or downstairs). And she will not go to sleep until I do. I believe this is because she is afraid, so I've moved her bed into my bedroom for the last two months.

This week I am hoping to move her bed back into her bedroom and have her start sleeping there. When I broached this subject with her, I felt like a monster! She was obviously distraught and looked like I had told her I was sending her back to the orphanage! Am I doing something unwise? Should I let her stay with me longer? If not, how is the best way to help her make the move? I have endless sympathy and understanding for all the uncertainties and fears and challenges she is facing now, but I am afraid that I am enabling her fears by never being out of her sight when she isn't at school.

Thanks!

[lambeausam]

Trust your instincts. Love her, hold her, reassure her that you are not going to abandon her. Sometimes our special needs kids miss some key developmental milestones along the way. Maybe she just needs to fulfill these and built trust.

[Dr. Art]

I have two suggestions.

First, a maltreated child has missed many important developmental milestones and has not received what children raised by healthy parents receive...so like a person starved, they need what was not gotten. So, I'd keep her with you and at your side, like you would with a toddler and provide lots of affection, nurturance, and structure.

Second, I strongly urge you to find a professional with real experience and training in working with adopted and foster children and with attachment issues. you can find on in your area by going to the ATTACH website, www.attach.org

It sounds like your initial instincts are on target...provide her what she never got and help her grow up, developmentally.

Regards

[dimasmom]

LeeSim, I agree with the others. Meet her where she is at. Find a way to treat her at 13 and 2 at the same time. Find ways to nurture the baby in her that is craving being cared for. Brush her hair, do her nails, rub lotion on her back. Create a lot of ways to baby her. You can feed her by cooking together and giving her tastes.

Letting her sleep in your room is wonderful - you have awesome perceptions of what she needs. Don't worry about coddling her too much. She will move on when she is ready. Once I decided to meet my sons needs (which included attachment therapy) - then he made dramatic jumps in his emotional age. But they can't move forward until their needs are fully met at the level they are presently at.

As you have already been doing, follow her lead. teens don't typically like to sleep in their parents room, so when she is ready - she'll want to move out.

Good luck to your family, DimasMom

[Peggy]

My daughter (10) wants to sleep in my room to. She also has a need to be with me at night during the week, when we are home (she needs the bathroom door open). Though she can spend some time on the weekends playing by herself for an hour or more. Some of it is of getting what she missed, so I am not to concerned. Some of it, I think, is also that she went from a house full of children, to being an only child. She likes to be with other children. Initially this was a problem, because she would attach herself to neighborhood families, and I would have to extract her from their groups, at times. Now her boundaries are clearer, and she follows the rules better.