[SherBear2528]

Hello all,
I am hoping for some uplifting advice. I am also hoping for maybe a book recommendation so I can learn something until we get to therapy.

My 6 yr old DS was placed with us almost 18 mos ago. This behavior didn't pop up until last Feb, when we really started talking about the adoption being final (we finalized in Mar). DS started going in our storage room at night when we are all asleep and drinking water from storage, eating anything he could open (including a bag of sugar when we locked up every thing else). DH and I have tried lots of things to help stop this. If he takes things, he only gets to eat Cheerios the next day. If he taked things he misses a treat the next time the family has one. And so on. We locked up all the food he can get into and the only other thing that sort of worked was putting a box out with snacks in it that are his whenever he wants.

We did get into see a therapist and she said she thought the behavior surfaced when it did because DS finally felt like he wouldn't be sent away, so he could show us the "real" him. She recommended the snack box thing to me, and I said I already did that.

Can anyone offer some insight. I know therapy will help, but it will be a couple weeks before we get there, and I am hoping maybe I can do some reading in the meantime. I want to understand him so I am less frustrated and angry when it does happen. I really don't want to lock every cupboard in my kitchen.

Anything is appreciated.

[mrsred]

First, and fast, get an alarm on his bedroom door. tell him it is to keep him safe. But that way, if he tries to leave his room to go on a snacking rampage you will be able to cut him off at the pass so to speak.
As far as books go, there are SO many... Parenting the Hurt Child is a good one. Can't think of the author of that one right off. And When Love is Not Enough, by Nancy Thomas is very helpful. Check out Attachment Disorder information and support at ATTACh.org. for information on attachment disorders. They also list therapists in specific areas that specialize in attachment therapy. When looking for a therapist it is important that you find one that has a lot of experience working with children from the foster children. I have adopted two kids from the foster system over the last two years and we have gone thru six different therapists. The only two that I have felt were in tune with my kids were the two that have adopted "older" children themselves from the foster system. We still see one, sadly the other had to quit her practice due to illness. Good luck, hang in there - and get that alarm!

[Linny]

This definately sounds like an attachment issue, and the previous info to get an alarm and such is very good. I'd like to also suggest joining a great online group called:
Attachment disorder support group

ADSG :: Index

There is a ton of info on this site, as well as some excellent forums for parents who have children with RAD and other attachment issues. When we had our RAD child and other children with these issues, I found that site invaluable.

Good luck. I know first hand that it isn't easy to parent these kinds of children....

Sincerely,

Linny

[dmca]

My I recommend Playful Approaches To Serious Problems ( 1997) by a trio of specialists. Easy to read, not hard to follow or to try out. Authors are Freeman, Espton and Lobovits.
Good luck.
dmca

[dadfor2]

If he takes things, he only gets to eat Cheerios the next day.

stealing/ hoarding food, is very typical for kids who felt that they needed to protect themselves, this 'issue' will take a long time to change. the snack box, could be a good idea, but it might not stop the behaviors all to soon.

i feel that by giving the child just cheerios the next day, might not be the way to go. For one, it only tells the child that he needs to steal food, because if he doesnt, he may go hungry, which, in a weird way, your proving that to him by just giving him the cherrios. so that behavior will just continue.

realize, that the child is in 'survival mood' and its going to take a while for this behavior to go away....

linny mentioned attachment, and stealing/ hoarding food is common with kids who have attachment issues.

so you might need to get some books on building attachment with the child, because the child needs to know that you can be trusted and keep him safe.

not saying you arent doing this, but there are some things you can do that you might not be doing.


If he taked things he misses a treat the next time the family has one. And so on.

well, i have to disagree with this form of conseqence. A couple of thoughts, from what you wrote, i have to go under the assumption, the child does not get the 'cause and effect'...if he did, he would of stopped.

its like me asking you not to be afraid of walking alone down a dark alley at night, you and I know the chances of anything happening to you are small, but really, you will be on automatic, with heart pounding, and sences heightened.

he still is 6 yrs old, and by giving him a consequence, the next time you guys have a snake, might be confusing to him because he might not quite get that its because he stole food a day or two before.

consequences for a 6 yr old, need to be given when the incident happens.

please dont be offended by this folks, but its like yelling at your dog for going to the bathroom on the rug two days later. the dog has no idea on why your yelling at him. I hate to put that example down, but that is what it is like.

consequences need to happen immediatly, but also keep in mind on why he is doing it.
remember, even though i tell you not to be scared going down the dark alley, i can almost bet that you would automatically go into fight or flight.

and alot of our kids, thats how they live and survive. Anyway, that my thoughts.

[SherBear2528]

Thank you so much for the info so far. I welcome it all. To clarify, some of the consequences I listed are no longer used, but things we have tried in the past, obviously realizing that they aren't very effective.

The snack box actually helps a lot. He has something he knows he is allowed to have on his own terms (all we ask is that he eat at the kitchen table), and so he doesn't go looking for something else.

[2manyks]

i attended a conference and nancy thomas and gregory keck were two of the speakers. if you know anything about attachment they are at the top with knowledge. they say that there are 3 behaviors you cannot change. they are 1. food 2. poop, 3. homework. so on the subject of food here is there advice. give the child a container of food and let him keep it in his room. let him know that he can eat anything in there whenever he wants. its ok if your rule is to only eat in the kitchen. let him eat in his bedroom. and when you see his container getting low, fill it full again. keep doing this forever. eventually, maybe years, he will understand that there is always going to be food and he wont be so crazy about his container. sign of food problems means deprivation, not only in food but in life in general, attention, sleep, love, etc. it is also a control issue. when he sees that you dont really care about the food he will give it up. dont even talk to him about it. it can be your button he is pushing. read parenting the hurt child. you will love it. it will help you alot. also you should know that sugar is a comfort food for these kids. it HELPS them too attach. nancy said when she is working with a difficult child she keeps m&ms in her pocket and everytime the child makes eye contact with her she pops an m&m into her mouth. people asked questions and no you cant do this w/ something healthy. it needs to be sugary and sweet. for a 'normal' child sugar makes them crazy, for a "rad" child it calms them. good luck and keep studying!

[SherBear2528]

I started reading Parenting the Hurt Child last week, and it does help. I have other books in line.
We had our therapy appt a couple days ago, and it was helpful too. I know we'll make progress over time, and it will always be frustrating for me, and for him too I'm sure. But we are moving forward as a family.
Thanks again.