[Jensboys]

Ok I cant find the attachment boards anymore but wanted to run this past some of you wise types

Enter son #1. Age 11, home for 6 and a half years. No behavior issues, minor emotional ones but no biggies. Homeschooled last year and a half of school. No apparent signs of attachment issues generally. Some insecure behaviors, but easily addressable. Nothing I am worried about usually ...

Anyways, for the last several months G has been "clingy" at bedtime. Wanting tons of interaction when I put him to bed -- that usually involves wrestling. He wants to wrestle with me -- and if I win I get a good night kiss. Its a fun time - his FAVORITE time of the day. Its tough because he is getting big and strong, but I almost always win, get my kiss and then say goodnight. Sometimes he grabs at me as I am trying to leave and wants "cuddles" but, he wont make eye contact with me then. Wants me to stay, but its "different" than with my healthily attached bio boys.

Now last night, after I scratched his back and tried to leave .... he followed me out of the room, down the hall and tackled me wanting to wrestle more. Now this is all in good fun, we are both laughing - attitude is good. I keep sending him to bed, he keeps wanting to "wrestle" so I sit on the couch and he comes and plops himself on my lap. I have always considered this "attachment seeking" behaviors and am fine with it. So he is sitting cradled on my lap (remember he put himself there) but I notice again a huge avoidance of eye contact. He wants to be "near" but cant connect. Anyways we ended up in an arm wrestling (with me winning of course) and I (jokingly) said "Tell me whose THE mommy and I will let you go". Now up to this point - everything is goofy, funny, giggles lots of fun.

And then ... we got into an attachment struggle. There was no way in hell he would concede, and at that point, for whatever reason, I got the definite vibe that I shouldn't (couldnt) let him win. So I didnt. Eventually (as in 20 minutes later) he gave in - but that entire time he wouldnt make eye contact, and when he finally did, he was MAD. I dont necessarily feel good about what happened, but I also know that for whatever reason he is still constantly checking to see if I am stronger/bigger than him. Is this a safety thing that others have seen in kids at this age? Is his growing self making him feel insecure about growing up? Is this attachment related and I have been kidding myself for the last 6 years???

What's going on here? Attachment? Age? Puberty?

[Shoshana]

Jen, obviously I wasn't there so I'll concede to your interpretations... Are you sure there are no sexual connotations happening for your son? As I read the entire post, that's just what I kept thinking. It could definitely explain the avoidance of eye contact. Sorry, just wanted to mention what I was thinking...

[Jensboys]

Shoshana - no problem. I dont THINK so - he is about as naive as they come. Dh and he have been trying to do the "sex talk" but his general response is "I dont WANT to know this yet" and "EWWW GROSS" I dont get any of those vibes while we are playing together. Remember, a house with 4 boys - wrestling is prety much an all day normal activity.

I should have restated about clingy just at bedtime - he has been clingy generally throughout the day - just more apparent at bed time. Wanting to sit on my lap, asking me to play games with him (card games), play outside with him etc.

Part of this, I think, has been the transition to homeschooling - we are together ALOT. I did notice a significant jump in attachment as a result of being home with me all the time - I am wondering if my all day access has pushed him to a new level of attachment that he isnt "comfortable" with and its causing some of these weird acting out behaviors???

Jen

[crick]

Jen...obviously I don't have the adolescent experience just yet.

When I read your post though, my first thought was puberty. He's 11...not quite a teen and yet, he's not a little boy anymore either. It's a frustrating time I think for kids between the ages of 9-13 as they start having the physical changes and emotional changes too. It can be conflicting to want to stay the little boy sitting on mommy's lap and also want to be the more grown up kid that he is. Or wanting to stay that little boy because he's afraid to lose that comfort as he gets older.

It's almost like a heightened version of "I'm too big to let mom kiss me at the bus stop", but then kisses you in private because they still want that. kwim?

I dunno though! Is G holding eye contact through everything else? Is this limited to just the bedtime thing? If so, I wouldn't think it's attachment related.

JMO...(((HUGS)))

[Jensboys]

Yeah Crick - I remember those conflicting feelings at that age. Wanting everyone to view me as an "adult" and still wanting to sit on my mom's lap.

It was just SO obvious last night that it was about control with him - combine that with the lack of eye contact, and it had me concerned.

Today - he is MISERABLE with me. Wouldnt talk to me this morning, wouldnt look at me. Not the normal him. Sort of feels like a push away/come close game. And that, to me, sounds like attachment ...

BUT I have never raised this age before either, and I have DEFINITELY made the mistake before of thinking something was "adoption" related and it was simply "kid" related!

[crick]

Sorry...didn't see your 2nd post before asking if it's just a bedtime thing.

But...your comment of homeschooling gives me another thought.

Yes, you are together a lot but your role during school is different. It may be that he's in need of just plain ole mommy/son time and is missing that aspect of things?

[Jensboys]

Yeah its a thought ... but we have so much interaction during the day now that we didnt have before - I have noticed it with all 3 boys. Much clingier to me. More connected generally - check in with me alot more. They are no longer "used" to be away from me, therefore they arent comfortable with it. For example, all 4 went on a sleepover this past weekend - the next day, whenever I sat down, I had AT LEAST 3 boys sitting on my lap, squishing in beside me etc.

It was almost comical -- "Gee guys did you miss me?"

What bothered me about last night was his absolute unwillingness to give in ... and why he got so angry about it ...

[Lorraine123]

As I was reading your post, I also was thinking something sexual. But then, I try to stop myself because I am always analyzing everything and figuring out how it is because of their pasts. Some things just are. However, since you feel strongly that it was about control, that probably is it.

I remember my boys going through that age. They want to be adults, but they also want to be kids, and they want us to know when they want each one. And god forbid we treat them as the wrong one at the wrong time. Its very conflicting for them. It could be that he wants to wrestle as a little kid, but yet he feels the pulls toward adulthood. Guessing here......

[Jensboys]

I should mention too that he does the wrestling at bedtime thing with daddy too - its just that DH is 6'4" and 225 ... G doesnt have a chance of making it a good fight with me - its more of a battle.

Boy, is this what the teenager years are about ???

[Jensboys]

Oh and there is no sexual history in their pasts. Thankfully we avoided that hurdle ... just to be clear. No history of sexual abuse, exposure, activities, acting out, behaviors or talk ...

[Lorraine123]

I would recommend just keeping an eye out for it. It sounds like normal teenage (if there is such a thing) pulling away.

Teenagers are such fun.

[Jensboys]

I have officially decided its hormones. The kid is a freak That's a sure sign isnt it???

Started off the day miserable and moody - and then one moment just snapped out of it and is back to being my happy, cuddly kid.

For 11, G is advanced I think as far as puberty goes. He has to wear deoderant, has "hair" is all sorts of weird places (or so he tells me) and is generally just heading in that inevitable direction. So I guess these emotional swings dont just hit girls???

[Lorraine123]

So I guess these emotional swings dont just hit girls???

Heavens no!!!!! The teenage male is a very odd animal.

[crick]

LOL! And you thought with 4 boys you'd escape all the teen emotional drama swings! Thanks to Lorraine for giving you the true picture, eh?

[lucyjoy]

Glad things are back to normal. Just a thought for the future-did you ask him what was up? Think I might point out what I saw and ask him if there was something bothering him. While hormones was my first thought it also bugs me a bit that that particular question created so much anger. He may or may not be able to tell you.
Just a thought.