[Kerri-Jean]

I don't know why my daughter pushes all my buttons. I have noone in real life I can say this to, but I really resent how hard my life is with her in it. If I try to vent to my friends or family they all can't understand why we adopted her in the first place. And that doesn't help. I love my daughter, I just don't know how to always do what's best for her, and sometimes I just get really upset.

She's 5 and in kindergarten. Last week her teacher called me because she threw chalk at the teacher and picked up the chalkboard, planning to throw that too. Tonight she hit the baby (18 months - her bio sibling). When I said that we don't hit and it's time to get out of the bath and into bed, because it really was late, she gets so mad at me. She is super pissed anytime she's not the boss. And I insisted and so she was just glaring and stomping around, saying that she doesn't like me and she wants to stay up. I kept trying to get her to look at me, even trying to hold her face in front of me, and she just gets even stormier. I wanted to get eye contact so I could explain that it was late, she's tired, we don't hit, we have church tomorrow, etc. and she's so **** defiant that she still won't meet my eyes.

So I said, fine, whatever, just go to bed and I kind of pushed her toward the door. Not like PUSHED like shoved, just kind of directed her that way because I was sick of fighting with her and needed her to go to sleep, and she overreacted and thrashed around and bumped her face on the wall in the hallway. Then she screamed and freaked and could hardly breathe and went on that she doesn't love me and I'm mean and I hurt her. And I said to her, "What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to let you hurt the baby, and be rude to me and say these horrible things? I don't know how to be a good mother to you." Which I know in hindsight was a very bad thing to say and probably raises all kinds of fears in her. But it was sincere. I'm not all that good at being her mother, and times like this I wonder why I'm even trying. I'm just so tired of it being hard.

We've had her for 15 months and most of the time things are reasonably fine and normal and happy. But anytime someone else tries to be the boss she goes mental. And I know it's a security/attachment/adjustment thing, but I need to vent tonight. I know I screwed her up further because I was angry with her when I "pushed" her, but my intention wasn't to hurt her, and I really didn't, she did. (Anytime I try to carry her or control her/hold her/show her who's in charge she thrashes around and freaks out.) And then I damaged her further by admitting I don't know how to take care of her, which is likely her worst fear anyway. But I'm tired of this crap. I'm just tired. It's tiring. I'm tired of being tired.

Please don't flame me. I just needed to talk to people who might understand. I have no intention of abandoning her or giving up or beating her up. I just have no-one to talk to about it.

Kerri

[heartened]

If it helps any, even those of us who didn't adopt our kids sometimes feel like we're the worst parents in the world.

My three are teenagers now but there are days I look back on their younger years and marvel that they survived to reach adolescence. I'll probably look back at their teen years with the same surprise and awe!

Maybe no one else wants to admit it, but I will:

Kids stink sometimes.

There, I said it. They push our buttons, they challenge our patience and self-control, and they seem to know instinctively how to deliver a heart breaking knife wound with their words.

They depend on us to recover from wounds which, if our psyches were a bit less secure, would be terminal to our hearts. And somehow, we do. Venting to friends (and people on forums!) is a good start.

You already know you are going to survive this. I just want you to know that you can also survive this with your smile intact. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You might lose sight of it as you follow the twists and turns, but I promise, it is there.

[MatthewS]

Hi Kerri,

We ALL have times when we feel like bad parents. Your little girl is the same age as ours and I will tell you outright that we have the same challenges that you're facing. It is tough, but you adopted her to help her have a great life. Hang onto that.

Things that work for us when our dd goes mental at night include taking her into a dark room, just the two of us. She calms down pretty quickly in the dark as long as she's not alone in the dark. Once she's in a decent frame of mind we can talk with her. We are also pretty brutal about taking away toys that she really likes when she's being mean to us. Usually just for a day or two. We have a box that the toys go into and she can earn one back at night by being good at bed time.

We have a responsiblity chart on the wall which earns her magnets that stick to it when she does things like being nice, cleaning her room, going to bed, etc.

We use timeouts during the day (they don't work at night really) but if our dd is really testing me, I'll go into a timeout myself. "Sweetie, I really don't know what to do with you right now. I'm going to have a timeout to try and figure it out. I need you to sit and colour for the next 15 minutes." It catches her off guard every time and gives me a chance to breathe.

Trust me, you haven't damaged her. She KNOWS that her situation is better. Ours tells us that she hates us and doesn't want to live with us anymore. When she calms down, we ask her if that's really true. In every case she says that she was just angry and she wants to be with us.

Give your daughter permission to be angry. She needs to know that its ok. What we tell ours is that she can be mad as heck. That its ok to be angry about what happened in her past. But what she can't do is hit, kick, or otherwise hurt other people.

I feel for you. I know how hard it is. Be strong, stick with it, it is worth it.

[Howdy]

I sympathize. A tired cranky 5 year old who also has a problem with defiance would not be a fun end to a day.

My suggestions would be to remember to give your dd choices (I'm not sure what would be good choices for getting out of the bath, maybe something like 'do you want to splash around twice more or three times more?', 'do you want to be dried off with the green towel or the blue towel?'), and remember to reassure her of your love ('I love you and love spending time with you, but now its bed time'), recognize her feelings ('you don't want to get out of the bath', 'you wish you could stay up late').

I remember one thread someone asked experienced parents what they wish they'd known, and one mom said she wished she'd made more allowance for the effects of hunger and tiredness in her children. I have gotten so much benefit from that bit of wisdom.

I tried to propel my dd toward her bedroom once, and got very much the same reaction you got. I have not made that mistake again! ha

[MatthewS]

BTW, something that helps me tremendously is a support group that was set up to help parents with kids who have been through trauma. It is hard for friends and family to really understand what it is like to be a parent for a kid who has been in foster care. It is way easier to talk through problems, issues, etc with others who are going through the same kind of situation or have been through it.

[Peggy]

I have had the same exact thoughts and feelings. A support group is a good idea. Some states have buddy systems through DCF or Adoption organizations where they will pair you up with anotheradoptive parent and you could just talk on the phone if that is all you want. Because other people (People who have not taken on a special needs child) are often not sympathetic, and can even be turned off by what you say. Ask about post-adoptive services and support through the state, or if your state knows of other organizations that offer these services. Is she seeing a therapist? If so her therapist could help you with techniques on how to work with her. I also recommend the book 1,2,3, magic.

[mommieof2cuties]

I do have a five year old but wanted to wish you the best and your not a bad parent.

God Bless,
Summer

[Kerri-Jean]

Thanks so much guys. I was scared to open the thread in case everyone was going to freak out on me for being so cruel.

Things are better today, of course. Although I'm home with two sick little boys (the youngest two) and she and my other son (6) are off to church with Daddy. It's actually a great feeling to get a break, even though sick kids aren't usually my idea of fun. LOL.

When she is tired she is just so incredibly difficult, and absolutely can't see that she's tired or that it's a problem. And after running around after 4 little kids I'm tired too. But she needs to know she is not the boss. I know eye contact is important, but when she scowls at me like that I just want to get her out of my sight. Ugh.

I cried for a couple of hours last night and resolved to do better today, so I'm sure things will start looking up.

Kerri

[Kellster]

Hey, Kerri,

Welcome to motherhood. I think every mom has those moments, regardless of how your children came to be a part of your family. I fondly call them my "stellar mommy moments" and I have lost count of them by now- my kids are 10, 8, and 6 1/2. I would not worry too much- I don't think that today's events will send your dd into therapy Tomorrow will be better... and sooner or later, you will have another "mommy moment". We all do; so don't beat yourself up- just come back here to share!

Kelly

[qs mom]

I have a 5 year old son who has told me this weekend that he hates me, want a new mom, doesn't want his hamster, the dog, the cat, his toys, his grandma, his papa, no cousins, oh and he HATES me!

He wants what he wants, he thinks he can do what HE wants, WHEN HE wants, no what he's told to do or when he's told to do it.

We don't have a baby for him to hit, but I've been clocked a couple of times and bitten more times that I care to count.

He's on a major control path at the moment and he really needs to get over it quickly. My son cannot be given an inch - EVER! No has to mean no, not well, ok. And it's sometimes a fight. I've thrown out toys, taking them away doesn't really get through to him, because 'I'll get them back!". But when the hit the trash can, he really goes of the deep end and realizes I'm serious.

He's turned into quite a master manipulator. When he's too much at school, he goes to the office. Hello, he LOVES that, He and the principal play games. If he's trouble at lunch, he gets to eat with the teacher in his room - again - HELLO! what could be better - undivided attention. He threw a MAJOR tantrum as school on Friday because he didn't want to go to school, so I had to go pick him up. He got exactly what he wanted.

He's exhausting. And I'm not always the best mom/dad (I'm single) that I should be. I've yelled at him and beat myself up for it. I've sent him to his room crying because, I just can't deal with him for another second, until I calm down myself.

WE ALL SUCK AS PARENTS! Embrace that fact, move on. Vent to us. Get some kid-free time. I know I'm kicking myself for giving up bowling this year. Those 2 hours a week of Q-free were great and I'm really starting to realize how much I really need it!

So stop beating yourself up. Apologize to yourself, you're gonna suck again. But most of the time, you are the greatest mom ever!

[maddensmom]

Originally Posted by q's mom

So stop beating yourself up. Apologize to yourself, you're gonna suck again. But most of the time, you are the greatest mom ever!

How refreshingly honest! And, what great advice. I just popped over from another board to get some advice on another subject and am so grateful to see this kind of honesty by both the poster and those who responded. Thanks! Your story and the advice that follows help us all. And I agree btw, you do not suck. 4 kids! You actually rock!

[momm2be]

Popping in here late...

But there is nothing wrong with venting, and anyone who has found their way to this board to read this, has been in your shoes.

Control, control, control,... Hmmm. Been there, doing it. Though I don't think we have major control issues as others, but anywhich way it can really take the fun out of being the parent.

Hang in there, maybe time to find a therapist who can teach you to work through your daughter's defiance issues. Not really a fan of taking a child this young to therapy, I did it with my DD and saw how quickly she learned to manipulate that environment.

Hopefully things are much better since your initial post - let us know.

[REBAV]

I know this is an old post, but I thought this might be some good advice for someone just reading this line of thought....

Our therapist gave us a good idea that worked with our DS. We went to the store and purchased a kitchen timer. We started a routine of setting the timer and telling DS that he had 5 minutes of bathtime left. When the timer went off, he knew it was time to get out of the tub. The therapist explained that children need time for closure - even at such simple things as bath, bed, etc.

As a note - we did not use this technique only at bath time, we used it for bedtime, getting ready for school, play time, or any other activity that we knew would bring a "why now?" response. It is amazing how well the child can manage his time and how when the bell goes off, he is ok with it.

Thought this might help some of you.....

Reba

[mrpeterg]

Hello,

We adopted a girl last year who is now 6 years old. She goes to kindergarten and her behavior was good most of the time in the beginning. Within the past two months she refuses to listen to us when she is outside our home. For example she came home with a bump in her head twice from school and informed us she hit herself in the head when she was standing on the bus. Our bio son and some other children says she stands up on the bus. We talked and explained to her she needs to sit down and she promises she will. Yet the next day she will stand up again. She tells us she sits down on the bus until our son gets home later and she admits she was standing up again. We have taken away her toys, given her time outs and no TV and still this does not work. Lately she has been telling us she stands up because she wants to. This has been going on for two months and she knows there will be consequences for her actions. Also she has been picking her nose and sticking it to the wall. There are other examples for these two are the main ones. She was progressing well until two months ago and lately it has been one issue after another. We are getting frustrated since we feel we are taking time away from our other children and our work life is stressful to begin with. In addition if she cannot listen to simple instructions, does not learn from her mistakes and refuses to listen what will happen when she becomes older. Any advice will be appreciated.

Sincerely.

[sheduma]

Originally Posted by Peggy

I have had the same exact thoughts and feelings. A support group is a good idea. Some states have buddy systems through DCF or Adoption organizations where they will pair you up with anotheradoptive parent and you could just talk on the phone if that is all you want. Because other people (People who have not taken on a special needs child) are often not sympathetic, and can even be turned off by what you say. Ask about post-adoptive services and support through the state, or if your state knows of other organizations that offer these services. Is she seeing a therapist? If so her therapist could help you with techniques on how to work with her. I also recommend the book 1,2,3, magic.

A little late, but I was about to suggest the 1-2-3 Magic. The family therapist at my agency has used those videos with tremendous success with extremely high needs families (read: the parents do not even know how to parent.) I really like the bit about not talking too much or arguing with the kids. I've seen that work wonders. It sounds like the OP has gotten into arguments with her daughter, as any parent does, and maybe that part of these videos would be helpful in modifying oppositional behaviors.

The bit about throwing chalk and about to throw the board actually made me think of the 1-2-3 Magic, because the 7-year-old we work intensively with (or we did, until he started becoming much more successful! We're down from seven to two nights a week now,) has many similar behaviors, as well as biting/hitting/kicking/spitting.

I hope this helps someone out.