[jhenrie]

I've been having a rather intense discussion with some other parents in the Kansas forum, but I thought it was about time I moved parts of it over here. (It's a more appropriate fit.)

Anyway, forgive the long winded post that's coming. I just wanted to get it all here & open it up for discussion. I'd love to hear others' stories & suggestions!

[jhenrie]

Background: We are in the process of adopting 2 sisters from Kansas (ages 9 & 11 now). We've had them for almost 7 months, & we also have a bio son (age 8) & a foster son (age 11).

We met the girls first in May '04, & after 8 1/2 months with NO contact, we received a call to come out & get them. There was no transition period, as the former FM refused to cooperate, so she just received a 30 day removal notice.

The whole move started with false allegations against the FM (although we didn't know at the time that they were false), & we later found that one of the girls made false allegations against my hubby from the May visit.

Most of the kids we've had have completely skipped the honeymoon period & got right down to business!

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Our 9 year old, TN, has made tremendous strides. She still tends to lash out with her fists when angry, but has decreased it to about once a month. (In the past, she attacked me twice...once by trying to pull/push me down the stairs.) She brought her grades up to a 3.0 by the end of the year, so that was another triumph. She's let her guard down alot & keeps showing us her personality. She's so spunky, fun, funny, & energetic!
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TL, our now 11 year old, struggles a lot more, & the adjustment has been harder for her. She hasn't had anymore bingeing episodes, & she's been working on the issue in therapy. (Unfortunately, we don't have any qualified RAD therapists in Utah.) Since I last wrote, she was continuing to steal & destroy things. She's very, very sneaky & sly. She's only been caught in the act twice, & both times she flipped out (& looked like she was going to hit me). We found out awhile back that she poured 44 oz. of dog food in our car engine & sliced the radiator hose with a knife. She also breaks important things on purpose (like when she's mad at someone, in trouble, jealous, etc.)...the brand new kitchen sink faucet, the lever that you recline the car seat with, etc. I admit, she's a real handful, but we are committed to bonding with her (someday) & helping her to be the best she can be. To give her credit, she has done really well for the past 3 weeks or so. Sure, she's still being a knot head (LOL), but she hasn't done anything major during that time, which is an improvement for her.

At our home, she has acted out sexually on animals, hurt animals, exhibited bulimic behaviors, broken many items on purpose, slit our car radiator hose with a knife, poured dog food in the car engine, wets her pants, made false allegations, poor peer relations, bad hygiene, acting out sexually w/ her sister, says she would have sex with a boy if he wanted her to right now, tries to intentionally frame other kids, etc. She also has lying, stealing, manipulating, defiance, sneakiness, violence, & pitting issues. In a prior placement, we have found that she stabbed a younger child with a knife. She seems obsessed with the ideas of suicide &/or hurting others. She has not been diagnosed, but only because her therapist is not well versed in RAD & doesn't like to place "labels" on children. We have no known RAD therapists in our state. We haven't had a full PSYC assessment done, because we're still fighting with Medicaid on their "contracted" providers.

We have an alarm on her bedroom door, & she's been on the token program. (The "token program" is a psychological tool used often in mental health settings [state hospitals, residential treatment centers, etc.]. The child earns tokens by meeting basic expectations & can get bonuses by going above & beyond. They can lose tokens, as well, by not meeting basic expectations. The clincher? Well, they have to use those tokens to buy priveledges that are beyond basic rights. [So...x tokens for x minutes of TV, or x tokens for x minutes on the phone, etc.])

I think someday I'll look back on this with a totally different, more light-hearted perspective, but being right in the thick of it sure is an exhausting phase!! (I'm sure that a lot of you know exactly what I'm talking about!)
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I did contact ADN. They signed me up for the Little Zebras group, because they said it would be the most appropriate for our situation. (They said it's for parents "in the trenches." LOL)

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Validation is a HUGE need in the life of parents of "RADlettes." With only ONE licensed year under our belts, we're still considered newbies, but we've stuck with it because we did our research FIRST. We actually studied RAD a ton before we even became licensed, so we knew there were great odds of ending up with a RAD child (if not MANY RAD children). I just think that the system needs to work harder on educating people on RAD, so that parents won't be so caught off guard. If they did that, I believe there would be drastically fewer disruptions.

[jhenrie]

I'm pasting portions of a family update message I just sent out (to close friends & family). Maybe it will help explain a bit of "a day in the life of" parents like all of us.
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Life has slowly been changing around here since I listened to the Nancy Thomas' tape. (I think it's called "Healing Trust." I'm not certain, because I loaned it to the kids' therapist.) I already wrote about the "command" practice, etc. Well, we've been getting stricter by the minute around here. It's weird, because just a year ago, Russ & I were totally laid back parents, with no "set" rules, etc. We raised our bio son based around our expectations of him becoming a good, happy, & successful adult. Most consequences came in the form of dialogue...dissecting the action & the whys & why nots of the behavior. For the most part, relaying real world lessons & expectations was sufficient for him. Well, it's a whole different ball game with 3 older, special needs kids.

Everything is written now. It's been that way for some time (as any recent visitors to our house can tell you). We have the family rules, daily chore assignments, weekly chore assignments, & table duties posted right on the face of a kitchen cupboard. We have table rules/manners posted in the dining room in plain view, & we have step by step instructions for cleaning duties posted throughout the house. And above the kids' bathroom toilet, a sign is posted that reads: "1. Close the toilet. 2. Flush the toilet. 3. Wash your hands." It may seem like overkill to some, but you'd be surprised about the most BASIC functions that don't occur unless they are spelled out & come with consequences!

We've been dealing with some MEGA, HUGE behaviors, but all of the little behavioral issues can be just as (if not more) exhausting. Nancy Thomas (on the tape) calls these "little" behaviors "Chinese Water Torture." <LOL> Finally, someone who understands all of the little nerve-wracking things that are hard to describe to the therapist!!!! Anyway, based on my own personal peeves, I could more accurately describe it as "Someone popping, cracking, & crinkling an aluminum can over & over & over in my ear torture"!! LOL (Or scratching a chalkboard torture...or whatever works for you.) It's hard to describe, but (for example) the other day, Talissa put on a shirt inside out on purpose. JR told her that her shirt was on inside out, & she replied, "I know. I'm going to leave it like this to see how long it takes Joye to notice." Or (as is COMMON with Reactive Attachment Disordered kids) she'll purposely say things wrong to see if she can get me to correct her. (It's a bizarre method to attempt to control the adults.) She'll say, "I was in the CALLWAY." (hallway) "Can I use the LENGTH roller?" (lint) "Is there gas in the MOWER LAWN?" (lawn mower) ETC. This kind of little stuff happens like 35 times EVERY day. On top of which, the kids will test me on the simplest things...over & over & over. I'll tell them to leave the dining room door open, so that cool air can get in there. They'll close it over & over for weeks. When I finally snap & they have to do a chore or something to make up for it, they'll start opening it 1/4 or 1/2 of the way to see if I notice (over & over). Or, if I tell them not to slam the car door, they'll (once they finally stop) start barely closing it, so that the "door ajar" light comes on.

I could go on with examples for PAGES, but I'll spare myself the effort. But, you get the picture, right? So anyway, I've just had it! Russ is always harping on me for not taking care of myself (vitamins, eating 3 meals a day, etc.). Plus, I have finals this week. I'm homeschooling these kids through the summer, paying the bills, cleaning the house, etc. I just have reached my max! I don't have time for all of this non-sense everyday anymore.

So, many of you may already know about our military boot camp style of discipline. The kids (given that the infraction was significant enough) run the stairs with weights, do push ups, sit ups, jumping jacks, lunges, resistance training, etc. (And we felt immensely validated when Nancy Thomas SUGGESTED this type of consequence..."to get the brain cells flowing"!!) That's the "ultimate" punishment in our house! (The kids only get it if they hit, get caught lying, etc.) Anyway, in the past few days, we've changed to having them drop & do push ups ON THE SPOT for (1) making me repeat myself, (2) leaving items laying around the house, (3) playing manipulative games like I mentioned above, etc. And in the past, they could rack up extra chores as a consequence as well. We were pretty lax about it though & usually only made them complete the chore when it was convenient for us or whatever. Well, no more! As of 2 days ago, they have NO freedom, NO privileges, etc. until they are 100% caught up & done with (in a quality way) all of their extra chores, daily chores, etc. These kids have been busting their little butts for 2 days & still aren't quite caught up. (It may sound extreme, but if you had my kids for even a week, you'd COMPLETELY understand!)

On top of that, they have to catch up on things like: scrubbing urine out of underwear (outside), scrubbing between mattresses (where they hide the urine soaked underwear), scrubbing bathrooms from top to bottom (because it was revealed that they were peeing in the shower), etc.

(One kid owes me FIFTEEN chores for calling me a "stupid b*tch" last week, saying that I didn't "know sh*t", & saying that they were going to break my nose!! After I said they owed 15 chores, they said, "I don't care. Just give me 100!" I got really, really close to their face, with a big, cheesy smile on my face, & said, "Well, if you were in charge, I suppose you could assign yourself 100 chores, but since I'm the parent, I get to decide how many you'll do. Is that clear, sweetums?")

Anyway, they're still testing, but overall, the house feels calmer. I feel more like the parent & less like the doormat. AND THAT'S A GOOD THING!!! At various times, people have raised their eyebrows when they've seen us be on the kids' cases. (They generally think we're being too nit-picky, & they don't really understand the behaviors that are going on.) That has at times made us second-guess ourselves & think we were too strict, but we're coming to realize that none of those people live with our children or have ever parented children like ours. We're finally finding support, understanding, & validation in an online parents' group for parents of Reactive Attachment Disordered kids. Sure, the process is still exhausting, but it's FINALLY beginning to feel more manageable!

[whoownsthis]

Wow! I was going to get on here and post about how fed up I am with the "Chinese Water Torture" tactics of my three little ones, and especially how my husband is getting on my last nerve telling me to "lighten up" and that "it could be alot worse; we got lucky!"....

But then I read your post and I feel like the most anal foster-adoptive mom! Good for you for taking the control back, and thanks for posting some of your stories (I recognize some things that we're seeing, and our kids don't have a RAD diagnosis---well, not anymore...supposedly).

I like the token program idea. Might use that one. So far ours have had a pretty free ride, but they're not listening worth a darn. To us, it seems like "regular kids," but these kids don't have a regular history. It's probably just the honeymoon period and will get much worse in a month or two (we've had them home for 1 month). So better to assume the worst and be proactive, right?

Thanks again for your post.

[jhenrie]

Yep..."Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best" is the most vital advice we've ever been given! We've taken that to heart, & it's what keeps us going.

Don't feel anal! That's what my hubby & I had been feeling for a long time, but I found tremendous validation in listening to Nancy Thomas.

I hope your husband comes to understand more soon. The kids will exhaust you enough as it is, so you need your husband to reenergize you with validation & sympathy for the situation. (I'm assuming you're the primary caregiver here, but I could obviously be wrong.)

[Queenmom]

I just had to respond! You need to have Nancy on speed dial at a moment's notice!! We recieved our daughter at 5 1/2 and sometimes I thought we were doing things wrong because we have been unable to have children. I would get Nancy's respite provider DVD and get some supportive folks to be trained and help you out! You might want to think and consider wether homeschooling is best thing for them as well as you. If there is anyway you can attend a Nancy Thomas seminar, It will help tremendously!!! As you know we(moms)are the brunt of their anger no matter what role their birthmoms played in their lives!! As my attachment therapist tells me don't overtalk about stuff and make them work harder than you do!!! Our kids can be healed. It is very difficult. Get rest and help for your 3 RAD kids. Hang in there! God Bless! Susan

[bakerk]

How and why do you stick with it?


I don't think I could last a day in your shoes .
Haven't had any experience yet as we are still in the 'research phase' but WOW!

If this is what it's like then I don't think I can do it. Husband and I have a fabulous life and wanted to share it with somebody that hasn't been so lucky. But your situation sounds like hell every single day of your life.

Do you see the end of the tunnel? How can you carry on? I just don't know how you do it?

[Lorraine123]

How and why do you stick with it?

Everyone says that love can't heal it, but I'm convinced that love keeps us hanging in there. We all love our children. Unconditionally. We didn't agree to take care of them only if they didn't have issues. We agreed to take care of them no matter what. Thats what unconditional love is all about.

Most parents say they love their children unconditionally, but our love is tested every single hour of every single day.

You ask, why do we stick with it? Because the rewards of seeing our children succeed when everyone else thought they were failures is beyond any other reward. They give us so much. My daughter's life has been horrendous, yet she wakes up every morning and goes on. Every task takes effort on her part to succeeed, yet she keeps trying. Its an uphill battle for her, but she doesn't quit. How could I quit on her when she fights so hard for a better life for herself.

You want to know if there is a light at the end of the tunnel? The tunnel changes for these kids. Your definition of success becomes very different. My daughter starts school tomorrow and she is entering 2nd grade. She can read, she can do math. I was told that our only hope was to get her to learn basic skills. She is successful and this I consider a light in her tunnel.

For my biological children, I had different expectations. It never occured to me that they may not finish high school. It never occured to me that they may need public assistance as an adult. It never occured to me that they might have a baby as a teenager. For my daughter, if these things don't occur, that is success. And I celebrate each one of these small victories just as much as I celebrate the large ones of my other children.

What my daughter has taught me is invaluable. I have learned from her to not give up when I feel frustrated by life. I have learned the true meaning of hope and that things will get better. I have learned that I can love unconditionally. I have learned to revel in the small things in life. I have learned how important trust is and how sad life is without it. I have learned what an awesome responsibility parenting is. I have learned that I can take on the school system and win.

Thats why we hang in there. Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its just different.

[jhenrie]

bakerk,

It is hard to stick with it at times. It's not so much wanting to "end it." It's looking at the extreme behaviors we're dealing with & wondering how we'll survive if there is no progress in the next 7 years. It's having other people not understand & think that we (the parents) must be the problem, because "a child could never............." It's feeling isolated in a world of which it seems that no one else knows what to say to you...& distances themselves for utter lack of words.

Why do I stick with it? Wow...well...I know that if we too were to give up on our severe RAD child (like 13 other placements have), she would only be that much more damaged. It's realizing that these other people that gave up on her didn't know half of what we do about her...& still said it was "too much." What are the chances that someone else could commit to her? It's reminding myself everyday that she is merely a child...a very, very wounded child. It's remembering that she is testing me over & over again everyday, because she's so terrified of me leaving her as well...but also terrified of the "foreign" feeling of love, bonding, & trust. It's all about not taking it personally...not blaming her for the situation...not resenting her presence in the family.

I have to say that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with saying, "I couldn't do that." You have to set your own tolerance level, & you are not alone. I too (at one time) said, "I couldn't/wouldn't do that." If you're not ready, you're not ready. It's better that you admit that, so that a child isn't disrupted. There is no shame in it, & we are all at different places in our lives.

Not all children are this severe (& I haven't told it all here), but be wary. Understand that not all agencies make full disclosures about the child's history (although they are supposed to). Furthermore, much of the behaviors may have gone undetected. In our RADlette's case, her profile said she was a "sweet, loving child" who "has no problems in the foster home or at school." Luckily, we knew that couldn't be possible after 6 years in foster care & 13 moves! So...we were prepared for "bad news"...We braced ourselves.

I admit it; it is hell, but I do it on the pretenses of hoping to make some small difference...of hoping that she will learn some measure of success in her life. It's all based on hope...& we RAD moms & dads must prepare ourselves for the reality that no difference may ever occur. All we can do is try.

We don't see the end of any tunnel right now, but as our support group describes it, we are currently "in the trenches." We are in the volitale stage...the stage that pushes many parents over the edge. It's hard to see clear of the smoke we are currently in, but we go on remembering why we are doing this & what our goals are for this child. The reality is that there may never be an end to the tunnel. We may have to grieve over & over again, if she chooses to continue on her current path. We may indeed face the heartbreak of watching her abuse drugs, enter prostitution, or whatever, but as we consider that reality, we make sure that everyday we've done everything we can. Then, if it does turn out in depressing ways, we'll guard our hearts by knowing that we gave it our all. Our love is truly unconditional. I couldn't have imagined I would see & experience the things I have in the last year, & perhaps I would have run for the hills if I had. But I'm here now, & this little girl needs me. She needs parents who care enough to invest their time & energy into her...inordinate amounts of time & energy...& parents who care enough to hold her accountable for even the actions that seem trite.

Don't feel ashamed at all to ask such questions, because you are doing exactly what you should at this point...researching. Alarmingly, the majority of people I've met who have become involved in foster care or foster to adopt have NOT done much research beforehand & are emotionally & spiritually crushed when the child doesn't met their expectations or preconceived ideals or "fairy tale" of a family. I applaud you for taking such responsibility in your choices.

[bakerk]

Thanks, jhenry for the detailed and friendly reply. I actually almost didn't post because I felt like such a terrible person for not being able to handle something like this (and admitting ). Your discussion has really been an eye opener- especially the tricky parts like children who are very affectionate and outgoing with strangers. Whenever I see that now on the listing, it will definitely alert me to dig deeper.

[aspenhall]

WOW!!!! I thought my dd didn't have any attachment problems, but she is exhibiting the same behavior as if she were borderline RAD and I got slammed on another thread for being a "commando mom" I promise you I DOES DEFINATELY WORK!!!!! The rebellion ends and the secure child emerges and voila!!! She perfect and happy and normal......for you.....give someone else the reins and all her behaviors come back 100%

[dr.kad]

Hi all--

My CW sent out our homestudy for a girl diagnosed with RAD. Got it admit that my husband and I are scared about RAD--this would be our first child!

Anyway, my CW said that according to the child's CW, the girl "targets animals" but apparently "does not physically abuse them." I have no idea what this statement means, and I will investigate it thoroughly.

Thoughts?

[aspenhall]

I think that a first child RAD actually works better because there is 100% time and attention able to be given without being at the expense of other children. Educate yourself heavily and decide now NEVER TO DISRUPT and you'll be fine.

[lucyjoy]

Targets animals but doesn't abuse them? Besides the fact that this makes no sense, it also indicates serious denial on the caseworkers part. If you decide or are selected for this child, be sure they let you talk to former foster parents and counselors. You want as much real information as you can get so you will know what you need to prepare for. I would also check to see what type of therapy resources are available in your area for treating attachment Disorder as normal therapy is not at all useful for a child with RAD.

[Linny]

It certainly makes no sense at all!!!!! I have taken the liberty of pm'ing you.....but realize that if you have a RAD child as your first child....you may very well not have ANY more children in your home.
RAD children often do best in a home where they are the only ones....and oftentimes, that is exactly what happens in the home.......no other children can easily co-exist with RAD children. I've known of several couples who were unable to have more children, because of their RAD child and the danger RAD kids quite often present.
Please educate yourself fully on RAD...especially if you intend to have more than just one child!!!

Sincerely,

Linny