[karenandTom]

My husband and I have been considering adopting another child for almost a year. We have a bio daughter, and, as I read the postings I am starting to reconsider. Although we realize an older child will need alot of love and attention, I do not want to put my daughter's life at risk. I am so new at this, how do I protect her? We live in NY. Any advice would be appreciated.

Karen

[sfbaymom2000]

Well, you are right to be scared and cautious. Just do a ton of reading...here and books...until you really feel like you can make an informed decision. You will probably want to, as we did, ask to be matched with a child that is as emotionally healthy as possible, for your daughter's sake. That said, you WILL have issues do deal with if you adopt a child from foster care. Older kids will almost certainly have some degree of attachment issues. Infants may not have attachment issues, but it is harder to know if they are drug/alcohol affected.

I have told my friend who is in the same boat as you now...trying to decide...that I have never for a second regretted having M in our life. I think that was absolutely true until about two weeks ago. I have to admit that occasionally I have that thought of...what did we do...can we just send her back? But it only lasts a second, and I really don't mean it or feel that way. One thing you have to prepare for is that other people (friends and family) will really not understand what you are going through. Most people don't get the support (from family and frineds) when they adopt an older child that people get when they give birth to or adopt an infant. It is unfortuate, because we probably need the support as much or more thatn parents of newborns.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

[joskimo]

Karen,

I think you are right to be nervous and it's good that you are investigating this. You didn't mention in your post how old your daughter is. Some people will disagree with me but I am a pretty loud and outspoken advocate for adopting older children who are younger then your bio children. I didn't come to this conclusion arbitrarily, we are a family who got hurt by older children, namely my duaghter. And the thing is it happened 7 years after the boys came into our home, 7 years - isn't that crazy? You'd think we'd have been settled, but the thing is, the boys never got over feeling that my daughter had everything that they lost, we could never fill the void as much as we tried. We were cub scout leaders, soccer coaches, football coaches, etc. We were active, involved parents. But the sad fact is my daughter, my precious daughter was assaulted by the older boy. He is now in long term residential care and has been diagnosed as having an attachment disorder. We were clueless and really thought love was all the boys needed to get their lives back on track.

I know not every older child adoption turns out like ours, I just really feel that there should be a substantial age gap.

We have subsequently adopted a baby and couldn't be happier. Our daughter was part of the process and loves her new sister. We are all doing better, even my nephew, but healing is a long course.

Our whole story is at child assaulted another
but it's not very pretty.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

[karenandTom]

My daugther is almost 8. We were considering up to age 7, but seeral people tell me to try for as young as possible. The truth is, if we wanted an infant, we would try ourselves. We realy wanted someone who could have a relationship with my daughter. My one friend told me that, if that is the reason I am doing it- I should reconsider. She said that it should be for altruistic reasons and that the chances of my daughter having a real relationship with an older adopted child are very small. Her advice really troubled me, since she is an attorney and she has done several adoptions (NY).
Her feeling is that, any chld who has had parental rights terminated ahd been through so much that they will always be damaged. I want to go in with my eyes open- but my gut tells me that this has to work for many many people, or else nobody would do it. right?

Karen

[sfbaymom2000]

I can so totally relate to how you are feeling. I was in your shoes for several years...trying to decide. One day I was absolutely sure I wanted to adopt. The next, I thought either that I could barely handle the one I had (on rough days) or that things were so easy (on the good days) that why should we wreck that.

While I don't think anyone should tell you should do it for one reason or another...like your friend did...I do think it is good to have several reasons. I agree that it would not be wise to adopt just to give your daughter a sibling. We were in a similar situation, as far as not wanting an infant. We did not suffer infertility, but I did have complications with my daughter's birth and chose not to have another pregnancy.

We decided early on that if we had a second child, it would be through adoption. We focused on an older child partly because we felt there was more of a need for homes for older kids. By the time we actually made up our mind, C was 6 years old. I knew the process could take a year or two. We did not want a 6 or 7 year gap between the girls. We were even asked to consider an infant but we wanted 2-5 years old. It is funny, because we thought 3 or 4 years old would be perfect, and that is what we got.

Part of our reason was also that we did think it would be nice for C to have a sibling, although I am adamant that there is nothing wrong with having an only child. There are advantages and disadvantages of every situation. There is never a guarantee that siblings will be close, whether bio or adopted. Sadly, I am not even on speaking terms with my bio brother (who has a lot of issues).

Every time I approached DH, he was like "Yes, I want to do it, but not right now....job issues, etc....not a good time right now". What finally clinched it for me was starting to really feel that urge for another child, the way most people for a new baby. I would see 3 or 4 year old girls and just feel this longing. Then when I brought it up again, DH agreed this time. My point is that ideally, I think it is good if you want to do it for your daughter, for you and your husband, and for a child who needs a home. Gotta go pick up C. By the way, C and M play wonderfully together and get along really well most of the time. Good luck!

[mrsred]

We have a nine year old biological son and are in the process of adopting a 5 1/2 yr old boy. This Saturday will make 6 months that he has been with us. Yes, he has some issues. Yes, it has been challenging. But he has come so far in such a short time. The boys are truly brothers... they fight one minute and play the next. Bu nothing could ever come between them. It will take another 2 months to finalize the adoption, but in our hearts he is already ours. Don't listen to your friend. These children should not be thrown away. Yes, you will have problems, yes it will take more than love. But it is so, so worth it. I do reccommend that you get a child younger than your biological daughter. Find out as much as you can about the child prior to meeting him/her. Steer clear of children that hav been abused and are acting out. And when you do find a match insist that the child gets therapy at least through the transitional period (the first 6 months). Build up a strong support system for yourself - you will need it.