[OneDayataTime]

We have a 14 year old son who came home 4 years ago from Romania. He has had to learn english and try to catch up in school. Through a lot of work (I even home schooled for 9 months taking him from 1st - 4th grade) we got him "caught up". However, he HATES school and all involved in it. He will do great at the beginning of the year - or anytime things are easy. However he quits if he has to work at it. (This is EVERYTHING from school to swim team to music.....) Our counselor has suggested we hold him back a year. We are seriously considering this but still have some thoughts. He is already 14 and would be going back into the 6th grade - He hates school and may not improve by being back a grade so we'd have an extra year of school to deal with - He may be more likely to drop our later - He's already teased and picked on (mostly for immaturity) The only way he will obey his teachers (or us) or do his work is with a big external threat or promise of reward. Our counselor says he's about at an 7-9 year old maturity level. 7th grade will have lots more freedoms and less control which he doesn't seem able to handle at all.

Thoughts - suggestions.....
Thanks, Sandy

[Peaches95827]

I work in Childrens' Services, as well as have Adopted Internationally and Domestically.

Alot of Russian Adoptions the child is actually physically younger than implied or expected by the Orphanage.

I hear you say the Counselor says son is at 7-9 in maturity level.
Has he ever been bone scanned? Physically, your son could be a very tall 9 year old? Having to deal with the Mental expectations of Junior High?

Another question that I hear you saying is he is 14 and going into Seventh Grade? Most Kids at 14 start high school. Where did the last 2 years go????

[OneDayataTime]

He is really 14. He was only in a children's home for about a year. Prior to that he was at home. We have his actual Romanian birth certificate.

When we arrrived (on his 10th birthday) we had been told he had 2 years of school. This didn't seem too unusual since European schools often start at 7. So... with no records, we put him in 3rd grade. Since he has a summer birthday he is really only about 1.5 years behind. (kids turn 12 in 6th and he was 13 throughout 6th.)

[rnnurse2be]

Remember he has been through a lot in the past several years.
Can you continue to homeschool, or hire a private tutor to help him catch up?

One thing you'll need to figure out is how to teach him he has to follow through. Find something he realy really likes and get him signed up (like soccer, horseback riding, archery lessons, music lessons, painting ect) and sign him up for a few weeks at a time. Once he finishes the 5 week course (or whatever) then reward him with something small, like a dinner and movie ect...

Our son just finished 5 weeks of summer school tutoring that her went to 4 days a week for 2.5 hrs a time. We rewarded him with a bow (he loves archery). He worked very very hard and was in school when all his friends were not, we felt he deserved it.

Does he have one good friend? Sometimes it will help him begin to catch up on an emotional level if they have at least one good friend to talk to, hang out with. They dont like to be different from their piers...

Just a few thoughts, hope they can help.

Connie

[OneDayataTime]

Tutoring is an option. Homeschooling is not an option at this time. He really fights the work and it made the home very unpleasant. If it had been helping it would be worth it but it didn't do much better than school.

You're right though - he needs a good friend. At school he has tried to "fit in" with the popular kids and thus would do anything they wanted. This summer I've helped some (by making hi m call some guys and suggesting a boy on the swim team). He fought me tooth and nail about calling them but finally did it. Then he's actually begun to ask to call a couple guys. Hopefully he will make one good friend (not join a group) through this.

You ask about having him join things. Great idea. We have done this to some degree. He doesn't act interested in much but last Feb. he said he wanted to play sax so ..... we got him in band and helped him catch up. This summer he's decided it's boring and he doesn't want to do it any more.

Sports are tough. He didn't play any before coming here so he's had a rough time. He can swim well so I suggested swim team - he said no but we decided he needed it. After a few days of attitude he actually had a good time. Last winter he played Upward Basketball which is run by a church. It was great - kids aren't allowed to say negative things - everyone gets to play etc... He did fairly well.

You have a good idea about letting him do things for a season and then rewarding him staying with it. We'd done it a little but it's something we may need to do more of.

Thanks,
Sandy

[lucyjoy]

A satellite or on line school? Some of my kids that were behind were able to do school that way and then do sports at their own age level. You might check it out. I imagine being 14 in 6th grade would make a person really frustrated.

[rnnurse2be]

Sandy:
Tutoring is a wonderful avenue, we love it! We encouraged our son to find one friend first, get a good relationship with him, then when he feels more confident in himself, he began to make new ones on his own. We encouraged him to invite his buddy over for the night, swimming, movies ect so we could help monitor the relationship and maybe give "hints" as to how to make it a better one. It worked great!

SPORTS: They make wonderful camps for students just learning, or contact the high school and talk to the coach about a student who may be willing to teach him one on one.
Two good things come from this:
He will act older because the boy is older and he wants to Fit it
AND: He'll learn the sport and learn to finish things.

I'll keep thinking for you...

[Dr. Art]

Given the backgound you've described, it is most likely that your child does have some significant trauma-attachment problems that are partly cause for the problems. I'd urge you to get your child evaluated. Specifically, he should be seen by someone who has significant experience evaluating and treating such children (see www.attach.org for the name of someone in your region). Second, may children with the background you describe have Sensory-Integration Disorder and you really should have him evaluated by an SITP certified OT and, depending on other "red flags" maybe get a neuro-psychological evaluation.

Overall, I'd strongly consider holding him back. This may accomplish two things. First, allow him to have a better school experience and allow you to get him into approrpiate treatment (attachment-based treatment) so that he can grow developmentally. Second, it will show him that effort and performance are related. Something he probably does not understand at an affective level.

Regards

[Ramani]

I held my 12 year old back in 3rd grade, even though she was recommended for advancement, because her academics really weren't solid. On the other hand, I did this in conjunction with a move out of state, and since she is short for age and had a summer birthday, (she'd originally made the cutoff for Kindergarten by 4 days), she did just fine. I was very happy with that decision; it allowed the kid to be normal. I plan to recycle my 5 year old in Kindergarten even though she is reading, writing, and doing math at or above first grade level. She too is very small, she also has a late summer birthday, (made the public school cutoff by 12 days, and missed the private school cutoff), and while academically advanced, she is timid and shy. But again, I am doing this in conjunction with a move for her, this time out of her current half-day public school Kindergarten/half-day Day Care situation, into her sister's preparatory school's full-day Kindergarten. (I simply told her that she had been in Junior Kindergarten last year, and is going into Senior Kindergarten. She's very happy with the concept and is looking forward to the new school year. With respect to your 14 year old, however, it is a fact that kids who are recycled are at greater risk of dropping out, and that is a major risk for your son, given his age. I strongly suggest homeschooling him, perhaps with a tutor, or at least sending him to a different school so that he doesn't have the humiliation of facing his classmates who were promoted.

[vicrose]

I held my son back in 1st grade, and while it broke my heart...because he wasn't able to stay with the same group of kids..he was able to develop his math and reading skills during that year, enough so that he did marvelous the next year!! Also, I had my school district test him for learning disabilities...and lo and behold..he was learning disabled...also dyslexic...so I worked with the school psychologist, principal, classroom teachers, and the special ed teachers to get him the help he needed...he was classified LD by the school district from 1st grade through 6th grade...and just last year I had him declassified because there was no need for any extra help...he had almost straight A's every semester...oh,let me not forget...I also had him going to counseling on the side as well...because the school psychologist suggested it..because some LD kids get very depressed when they can't keep up with the workload at school..it's very good for they're self-esteem....work with what you have...the administration at your school...they are there to help you....that's what our taxes pay for!!!! Hugs, Brenda....

[JG1210]

I have recently been reading a book called "Transforming the Difficult Child". It is written by a pychologist out of Tuscon, AZ. There are some excellent techniques in the book for children with school difficulties.

It also discusses ways to help your child turn negative behavior into positive ones. we will be using the techniques with our 11 and 10 year old boys as soon as they are home for good(next week).

I read in your post about you having to threaten or promise rewards to get him to do schoolwork. In some cases, children who have been through a tough time look for attention through negative behavior, and he may be resisting school because in the past he felt that doing so was the best way to get a reaction from his care givers. This book shows why traditional methods of warning, threats and removing priveleges don't work with these children, and gives you an alternative.

I will post back here when I have tried the techniques to let you know what our progress is.

JG