[Kathy]

My husband and I are 39 and 34 yrs and are trying to decide whether to become parents or not. We've been married for a year and a half and are really starting to think about this now. We can both see the pros and cons to having children, as well as not having children. If we did decide to have kids, we would probably adopt since that's what's on our hearts if we went in that direction. I guess my question is how does one go about deciding whether to parent or not? What goes into that decision-making process? Thanks for any insight!

[Linny]

Wow! Loaded question. My hubby and I are going to be 46yrs old really soon.........we have adopted six times and are awaiting and hoping for a call for a seventh baby.
Here are some thoughts for you. Do you enjoy being with children on a long term basis? Do you have children in your home now...taking them to events, etc. Are you, or have you been, Girl Scout leaders, 4-H leaders, etc. How much did you enjoy this?

One thing I'd like to stress, is that 'to not have children is alright, and better to decide this, than to have children because everyone else does, etc'. This is such a strong belief, I'm afraid within this country....and there are a lot of people who truly should not have children. It's not an easy decision, either.

Having children makes one consider their own immortality, of course. Sometimes, this isn't a very comfortable feeling either. You tend to notice the graying hair more, the extra weight that some of us have (oh, yes).....and the 'fishwoman syndrome' ---as I call it. That's where you find yourself yelling at your kids a lot and wonder 'how did I ever get to this point????!!!!"

My hubby and I dated for three years before marriage, and we were married three years before adopting our first baby. (We were 23 at the time.) Our agency required that we be married for three years before we could submit our homestudy.

Hope I have given you more food for thought. Raising kids is not for the 'faint of heart'. It's more difficult now, I think, than it was for our first kids back in the '80's. It can be a very thankless job.....but there can also be times....late at night, when you realize your life couldn't have been this great without them.

Sincerely,

Linny

[karenmarq]

Hi, Kathy,

My husband and I are 50 and 48 and are in the process to adopt internationally. Just received our referral!

We both spent alot of time being single (only married 3 years now) so we started out by reading a book "Is Adoption for You?" by Christine Adamec.

It is a really introductory book with a chapter on "taking a look at yourself as a possible parent".

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Karen

[JPDakota]

Typing with one hand because our 5 day old daughter wants to be held right now. To parent or not was one of the things my dh and I agreed upon before we got married. We've been married 7 years. After a couple of years we discovered that we could not have birthchildren. The decision to adopt was a no-brainer at that point, which we just accomplished. We're 45 years old.
Someone asked me the other day how old we will be in 18 years when the baby graduates from high school. My response? "Exactly the same age we'll be in 18 years if we don't adopt." That worked.
Like I mentioned, we decided to have children before we got married. It wasn't tough for us to decide. Sorry I don't have good pointers, but good luck in your decision.