[Stormster]

DJ That's it I'm coming to San Fran to have coffee with you

YOU ROCK

[djvj]

anytime, stormster!

[CJaneG]

I am an adoptee, and my amother was in her early 40s when I was born. I knew from the earliest possible age I was adopted ... chosen ... although at first I didn't understand exactly what that entailed. I didn't need to. As I got a little older, I understood a little more, and so on. It's never too soon to talk about it with adopted children. If you are uncomfortable with the subject, he will be too, and I can promise you we adoptees need, at times, to talk about our origins. Your discomfort will teach him it's not okay to talk about it, to wonder, to need to know. My aparents had no problem with telling people I was adopted if the conversation merited this information. It wasn't offered for no reason, just if a resemblance, or lack thereof, was mentioned, or something that would lead to adoption as a topic. By the time I was 6 or 7 I was telling people myself. It was no big deal to anyone in the family. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear. Just a fact about my beginnings.

As far as I'm concerned, my older parents were just the right age ... and they had another baby, biologically, 14 months after I was born. They were relaxed about themselves and us, wise, patient, content to be our parents with no wish to be our "buddies". It felt right to me.

Jane

[furrybluemom]

Great thread. We are expecting to adopt an infant at the end of October. DH and I are both 44. We have 3 adopted teenage sons. I was preparing myself for the grandma thing, but hadn't thought about anyone asking if the baby was my oldest son's. HMMM. I too am worried that I will feel out of place at play groups and nursery school. I have a great support group of friends, but their youngest are finishing grade school. Can I relate to moms that are babrly older than my son?

The twins are biracial and don't even look like they are the same age or ethnicity. Our oldest is white like DH and I. The new baby will also be biracial.

I used to worry about strangers that looked at our family just a little too long. It became a family joke that they were trying to figure out how many different men I had slept with. I was convinced that since oldest son looked like DH, that they must think he is a saint to stay with me and raise so many other men's sons! Serveral times a year I have my sister's 3 blond, blue eyed kids along when we go out in public. Based on size it goes brunette, hispanic, blond, AA, blond, blond. Then we really get noticed. We are a loud and cute bunch! Once I stopped at a walk-in hair salon to get haircuts for the 3 middle boys who were around 5 at the time. The lady at the desk did a double take as I pointed to the guys. I could see her chatting with the ladies in the back and pointing to us. Luckily the boys didn't notice and we just left before she came back to make the appointments.
For the most part we tell anyone who asks how our family was created through love and adoption. The boys are comfortable with their adoption story and are more concerned that I would tell about something current that could get back to friends. It is a fine line for each family to walk. DH and I are very open with our lives and quick to share our personal stuff when asked. I guess the boys just think it is normal for people to ask questions about our family. (We never give out information that the boys haven't heard, even to close friends and family)

I hope to hear about more families like ours that have older parents raising infants. It is not very common here in rural VA. Cindy

[amyfk]

I wonder if it has to do with where you live or what groups you join?
I live in central NJ, which has a very high population density. I am also in an adoption support group.
I am an adoptive mom and i am 36, but my dh is ten years older than I am. He is turning 47 in two months. My adopted dd will be turning 3 in two months also.
Two of my friends that are adoptive moms are older as well. One is now 49 with a 3 yr. old whom she adopted from her second marriage(she has a 17 yr old bio from her first marriage).
My other friend has one adopted son who just turned two and she is around 46 yrs.
I wonder if you joined some adoption support/networking groups in your area if you would meet some "older" parents. Often folks who are a bit older come to adoption because they try to conceive a little later in life, then it doesnt happen, then they go through fertility clinics, then it doesnt happen, and then they end up adopting. So I would assume a decent number of adoptive parents are a bit older than the norm.
I wish you the best.
Amy K, NJ

[bprice215]

Oh yes this is a fantastic thread for I am 54 with a daughter that is my bio-child and nobody has ever asked me if I am her grandfather, and heck fire I look like the eyes of age, and my daughter is 10 years old.

bprice215

[JAK]

Thanks for your comments. I particularly liked your suggestion about having the private conversation about your daughter's adoptions to the person you didn't see eye to eye. Generally comments don't bother me unless Lucas is right there and hearing every word. The comment I still hate is his "real parents."

[JAK]

Originally Posted by HappyTwinsMom

I was 38 (hubby was 34) when my daughters were born and, yes, there are times I feel much older than all the other moms. Believe it or not, I've kept track of the number of times I've been asked if I'm the grandmother...21 and counting! Our daughters were adopted domestically and are Caucasian. In fact, even their birthmom comments about how much they resemble my husband. I kid him all the time about "what were you doing in the fall of 2000?"

I don't offer the information that they were adopted in casual conversation. People who know us know and occasionally I'll comment on it if the information seems relevant to the conversation. I don't feel like I'm lying - it's just not everyone's business. The girls' adoption story is their story to tell if they choose. (Now if I could just get my Dad to quit telling everyone and their brother on first meeting that the girls were adopted!)

If the people in your life who are making comments you find disturbing are close to you, maybe you could talk to them privately and let them know that Lucas's story is HIS. I had to write a very long, involved letter to my FIL instructing him to not ask questions about the girls' adoption in their presence. Told him I'm more than willing to talk to him about it (if it's information I feel comfortable sharing) but that talking about it in front of the girls is disrespectful to them. He took it surprisingly well, considering he and I don't see eye to eye on very many things.

Not sure if I've given you anything helpful. But you're not alone!!!

Thanks for your helpful comments!

[JAK]

Originally Posted by CJaneG

I am an adoptee, and my amother was in her early 40s when I was born. I knew from the earliest possible age I was adopted ... chosen ... although at first I didn't understand exactly what that entailed. I didn't need to. As I got a little older, I understood a little more, and so on. It's never too soon to talk about it with adopted children. If you are uncomfortable with the subject, he will be too, and I can promise you we adoptees need, at times, to talk about our origins. Your discomfort will teach him it's not okay to talk about it, to wonder, to need to know. My aparents had no problem with telling people I was adopted if the conversation merited this information. It wasn't offered for no reason, just if a resemblance, or lack thereof, was mentioned, or something that would lead to adoption as a topic. By the time I was 6 or 7 I was telling people myself. It was no big deal to anyone in the family. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear. Just a fact about my beginnings.

As far as I'm concerned, my older parents were just the right age ... and they had another baby, biologically, 14 months after I was born. They were relaxed about themselves and us, wise, patient, content to be our parents with no wish to be our "buddies". It felt right to me.

Jane

Thanks for sharing your perspective and great advice!

[JAK]

Originally Posted by amyfk

I wonder if it has to do with where you live or what groups you join?
I live in central NJ, which has a very high population density. I am also in an adoption support group.
I am an adoptive mom and i am 36, but my dh is ten years older than I am. He is turning 47 in two months. My adopted dd will be turning 3 in two months also.
Two of my friends that are adoptive moms are older as well. One is now 49 with a 3 yr. old whom she adopted from her second marriage(she has a 17 yr old bio from her first marriage).
My other friend has one adopted son who just turned two and she is around 46 yrs.
I wonder if you joined some adoption support/networking groups in your area if you would meet some "older" parents. Often folks who are a bit older come to adoption because they try to conceive a little later in life, then it doesnt happen, then they go through fertility clinics, then it doesnt happen, and then they end up adopting. So I would assume a decent number of adoptive parents are a bit older than the norm.
I wish you the best.
Amy K, NJ

I think it does depend on the area. When I was in the Twin Cities (grew up in Bloomington, MN) we had quite a few friends that had adopted older like us (for the same reasons - infertility) and there were quite a few support groups. Here in this small town (relatively small in SE Florida) there aren't the support groups like there are in a big metro area, but this really helps having a forum to express comments.

[JAK]

Originally Posted by bprice215

Oh yes this is a fantastic thread for I am 54 with a daughter that is my bio-child and nobody has ever asked me if I am her grandfather, and heck fire I look like the eyes of age, and my daughter is 10 years old.

bprice215

In the past year, I've actually met quite a few parents who started after 45. I also have met adoptive families that are bio grandparents raising their grand kids. Families come in all ages, and in all different ways.

[JAK]

Its good to be catching up on reading these and seeing the similiarities in experiences. Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice. So far I haven't had too many rude comments made in front of my son. He has enough "physical characteristics" from both sides of our families that he looks like my husband, and has some of my features as well - and obviously he does not have the same DNA as either of us (yet he's had people ask if his cousins are his sisters).

(I still don't like it though when people say what a awonderful thing we've done "for mankind or something?" in adopting him - in front of him). Never quite know what to expect but I'm finally starting to relax a bit and go with the flow.