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  #1  
Old 03-21-2006, 12:48 PM
will_be_a_mommy will_be_a_mommy is offline
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Angry Non-supportive spouse, anyone?

Hi everyone,

I was just wondering if there were others out there like me who's spouse is not that supportive.

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and he has a 9 year old daughter already, me none. He understands my need to be a mom and has his moments when he will talk about when the baby comes. At 46 years old he says he needs to be thinking about retirement not about a baby.he already got the grandpa comments with this 9 yo daughter due to his premature grey hair.

I know he loves babies and am almost certain when the baby comes in August he will be sucked in by him.

I get upset at him and his selfishness but then again aren't I being selfish as well.
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  #2  
Old 03-21-2006, 06:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by will_be_a_mommy

I know he loves babies and am almost certain when the baby comes in August he will be sucked in by him.

.

I think this is a very dangerous belief that you have. Adoption is a very serious, life changing decision. It can take a toll on the best of relationships. The two of you had better be on the same page or your relationship will likely be headed for trouble. Please consider some counseling so that you two can work through these issues before the baby is born.
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  #3  
Old 03-21-2006, 08:02 PM
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I'm assuming you're adopting as a single person and have thought about what happens if he isn't sucked in.

that said, I know that dh had his doubts about being a dad at such an age. guys worry about things in different ways than women do. What made him comfortable was that we would make a committment to our retirement. we juggled the numbers and hope to make it work. Fortunately for dh, he has supportive coworkers who share "dad tips" which at times are scary and other times informative, lol. he may just be scared about the uncertainties of the adoption system, and that's reflected in his ambivalence. perhaps counseling?

maybe a discussion about finances and retirement is in order, and what having a child means to that. Or maybe he just needs to talk to other old guys about what it means to be a parent at 46. dh is having a blast, and we plan to adopt again. maybe he needs to meet another couple that's "old" and "new parents" lol.

good luck!

Lisa
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  #4  
Old 03-21-2006, 08:17 PM
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My dh was scared out of his mind!!!!! He had never parented and this new baby who is almost 2 now, would be his 1st child. Now dh wouldnt change our life for anything. Hope this is what your dh is feeling too.


As Lisa stated it is scary for some men. Finances and retirement etc seem to bother some men alot. Have you asked him to talk about what is bothering him? Maybe its not the finances at all, but the age???? Maybe its something that can be totally worked out.

Best of luck to you.

(LISA just because 2 people aren't legally married does not mean they cant adopt together.)
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Old 03-22-2006, 02:23 PM
will_be_a_mommy will_be_a_mommy is offline
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Thanks for the responses. I was relieved to know that there are others out there whose husbands quirmed about this adoption thing or even the baby thing in general, which mine has. Even with his biological daughter he did not want her but after changing her diapers and looking in her eyes, he fell head over heals for her. Plus, in my favor he happens to be a baby lover and has more of an urge to hold babies than I do.Although I cannot wait to hold my baby and have enjoyed holding certain babies.

C is a very indecisive person who kind of lets life happen to him, because he is too scared to make the bigger decisions in life.That is his only fault I can think of but I can live with that.

We will have to make some friends as Lisa said who are older and enjoying parenthood and Mama to 6 you are right his age definately is bothering him, while he spent the last 15 years fighting premature gray hair just recently he is showing signs of thinning out hair.I know he does not like this and who would. He is very fit though with the body of a man in his twenties and I can barely keep up with him and I am 9 years younger than him.

Still interested in hearing from others who had a drag their feet kind of guy or girl.
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Old 03-22-2006, 02:41 PM
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AwaitingBeloved AwaitingBeloved is offline
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Hi Will be a mommy,
DH has been completely honest with me from day one, he wanted to be a dad. When we first met, I told him if I were to become a parent, I wanted to adopt. There were reasons I didn't want to have a bio child which could take forever for me to go through. :-)

However, we met when we were very young, I was 18 and he was 19. He became ill in 97, when he was 21. He had Leukemia. Before his diagnosis, I became pregnant and didn't find out until I was about 4 months....He was beside himself with concern. He did not want me to continue with this pregnancy. He felt an abortion would be the best thing, he feared that he was going to die and I'd be a single mother.

I saw things differently. I thought it would give him reason to fight harder. And I thought that if God forbid, he did pass away, I would have a part of him with me forever.

I ended up miscarrying only a couple weeks after I found out. I was surprisingly devastated. I had not ever wanted kids until I lost this pregnancy. Even at first, I still didn't want any, it wasn't until 2001 that I started to think maybe I did want to start trying.

Anyway, DH has regretted since the day I miscarried that he wanted me to get an abortion. I knew in my heart that he would come around, and that he was just afraid for me and this child that we'd be suffering on so many levels if we lost him.

I think you have to go with your gut. If you know in your gut that your bf is not going to come around, he's not going to.

With that said, regardless of what your gut says, I agree with the previous posters that you should get into joint counseling and figure this out. DH and I have the most loving relationship I have ever known, more so than I ever thought possible, and our marriage became stressed at times through this process. It is true, that adoption can affect marriages/relationships and it is important to be on the same page, if for no other reason than to not have that concern hanging over your head along with all the other fears and uncertainties that are sure to come with adoption anyway.

Good luck. I hope that you guys can figure this out and do this together.
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Old 03-22-2006, 02:42 PM
spaypets spaypets is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by will_be_a_mommy

C is a very indecisive person who kind of lets life happen to him, because he is too scared to make the bigger decisions in life.That is his only fault I can think of but I can live with that.

The question is, when things get hard, does he bail? Is he adopting with you? Or are you adopting as a single? It matters because, as you pointed out, he's scared to make the bigger decisions, which I am assuming (tell me if I'm wrong) is why you've been together 7 years and not married. Was he with the mother of his 9 year old when she was born? Why didn't they stay together? Loving his DD and raising her are two different things.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and if he leaves (women, children, jobs) when things get stressful, then I think you need to imagine/plan for when he leaves.

We women often make the mistake of thinking that our men don't really mean what they say, because we don't want to believe it. If he's telling you he's too old, then maybe he's really not that into this whole idea. If it comes down to choosing a child or him, what will you do?

Now, if he's really totally reliable and loyal and when he makes a commitment he sticks with it, then you likely have nothing to worry about, if he's telling you'll he'll be a dad. From the tiny bit you've shared, I have my doubts, but obviously you know him.
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  #8  
Old 03-22-2006, 06:27 PM
will_be_a_mommy will_be_a_mommy is offline
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Awaiting beloved, thanks for sharing that and I am sorry for your miscarriage.I think you were sharing how you both changed your minds about something when you both had been set against it. To answer your question,my gut is that he will come around. Chris and I are a very strong couple ,it is hard to summarize our relationship up in a few lines and I won't even begin to try.I know that the name of this thread does not make him sound too great and I guess if that's all you know about him is what I have written it is probably not a very good picture of him or very accurate.

Spayedpets, You have some good points and the thing is his ex left him and took his daughter with her and broke his heart but he moved 1000 miles away from his family just to be with his daughter and he gave up a successful landscape business there. It takes two to make a marriage work and I think they both take responsibility for where their marriage went wrong.

I don't necessarily think that in life decisions like marriage, babies and adoption and things of this nature, are spouses using the same watch(In other words they are not on the same page.)I think it is more rare for a couple to come to the same big decision at exactly the same time than different times.So one person is waiting patiently or not so patiently for the other one to catch up. I really think though that these couples get to the same place eventually,once in a while they arrive to separate places altogether and thus divorce or break up.

I am a very strong person and if it did come down to it I would be a great single mother, however I would rather raise my little boy that is coming with C because our personalities compliment one another.C is the love of my life but I already feel that protective mother come over me and if it came down to it, I would of course choose my baby.
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  #9  
Old 03-22-2006, 07:04 PM
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AwaitingBeloved AwaitingBeloved is offline
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Will be a mommy, I agree, what you said about people coming to these decisions in their own time is so true...

Yes, sorry I got sidetracked on my point before. LOL! I was trying to show how people can come around and how your gut can lead you. I know you heard what I was saying. :-)

It's very scary to become parents, I think no matter how that happens. I think it's normal for each of us to have our own hesitation in our own time. With DH and I, he worries before hand, I worry during something. So while he's worrying in the preparation of things, I sort of keep him grounded. When I'm worrying during things, he keeps me grounded. We've learned this dance we have with each other so we know how to handle it and how to work with it. You and your bf may have a similar pattern. I think men tend to worry about logistics (especially financial aspects) before we do. Not that I don't worry about stuff, but I try to take things as they come. DH needs to have everything planned out and figured out in advance.

Hang in there!
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Old 03-22-2006, 07:52 PM
will_be_a_mommy will_be_a_mommy is offline
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Awaiting beloved, It sounds like you have a great relationship with your DH. C always wanted to save money and have a little nest egg before we started our family, but he did not realise that we might not be able to get pregnant so easily or at all.

Thanks so much for you words of encouragement , it is good to hear what couples have gone through and that they made it. Yeah and congratulations to you on the new baby what a cutie. I look forward to talking with you more.
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Old 03-23-2006, 06:12 AM
spaypets spaypets is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by will_be_a_mommy

Spayedpets, You have some good points and the thing is his ex left him and took his daughter with her and broke his heart but he moved 1000 miles away from his family just to be with his daughter and he gave up a successful landscape business there. It takes two to make a marriage work and I think they both take responsibility for where their marriage went wrong.

I find the fact that he moved to be with his daughter, despite personal sacrifices, very reassuring and encouraging. It does show loyalty and committment and therefore I find it more likely that he'll change when he falls in love with his child.
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Old 03-23-2006, 06:44 AM
will_be_a_mommy will_be_a_mommy is offline
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Spaypets.

Thanks so much for the encouraging words.

PS I just noticed your quote ,you and I have alot in common. I was just going to have that bumper sticker made up not too long ago,but I never did get around to it.
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Old 03-26-2012, 04:41 AM
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you are ALREADY pregnant and he is saying he should think about retirement not a baby??
wow that's bad!
don't even think you are selfish, you are so not!





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