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Old 01-20-2005, 07:15 PM
August 2003 August 2003 is offline
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Not fitting in at play group....three strikes

1. I am 40 and the other moms are not
2. I have an adopted child, the other do not
3. My daughter is light brown and I am ghost white

We have been attending morning playgroups and it just seems like this is not working out. We have tried 3 now and I am just about to give up.

I keep trying and now I want to quit going. The first group we left because 2 of the 8 ladies were having issues with my daughter not being white. When I was sitting there and 2 moms did not know she was mine they has and a short and not so nice conversation about her. I got up walked over got my daughter and left.

Then next group the ladies just kind of ignored me after the day they discussed the births of thier kids. When it was my turn and told them about how we adopted her, well it made them uncomfortable and the next week I was not included in the chatter while the kids played. That was the last week there.

Now, the last chance, last playgroup in the area these moms are all 20 something and just keep taking about stuff I just don't get anymore. They make me feel old. My daughter does not seem to enjoy this group very much, just kind of seems bored with this group. She is 17 months and most of this groups kids are 4 or more months older.

I am just feeling so old and I am starting to worry if adopting her was right for us to do. Did we miss the boat. Will we ever fit someplace?

Just so sad about this right now....I just feel like her grandma rather than her mom.
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Old 01-20-2005, 08:05 PM
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Shelley Shelley is offline
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Don't give up, keep trying you'll find the right place for you and your child. I too am a parent over 35, Dh and I have 5 children, 4 sons(bio) and a daughter 26 months(home from Korea 8/03)
We recently moved from Ma. where we lived on a military base, which had all kinds of families, to an area that is not quite so culturally diverse.(one would think it would be as it's near a military instillation)
Anyway our children are 16,14,11,26 months and 9 1/2 months. I don't really fit in with the older boys friends parents, we have babies they don't, and the play group we hooked up with,the moms don't seem to be too interested in meeting new people. Not all of them but a few. Some of them are nice. My biggest problem is the lack of participation from week to week. They seem to think they need to continually entertain their children, whereas I'm more content to take lunch and go to the park, which by the way is "THE BEST PARK" I've ever been too. The funny thing is, the few mom's that I do talk with, at gymnastics(older boys participate), are all between the ages of about 25-30. They seem genuinely interested in the adoption process, but it doesn't dominate conversations. Two of the women are of middle eastern decent, not sure where I didn't ask, as it didn't seem to matter. I would try a local park on different days between 9-noon. Or later in the afternoon on different days. I have found the more organized the play group the less fun, for me and my children. Also try the local library, they generally have story time. Sometimes you have to make yourself go back, more than once or twice, because depending on the day different people will show up. I know after paying "dues" to join this playgroup, and the somewhat snooty attitude of some of the women, I was tempted to not go back. But I'm glad I did because I have met a couple of nice women. I just pick and choose what I'm going to do with them. example, they thought taking playgroup to the mall at Christmas time and shopping was fun, not I said the fly. When they go to the park/beach, firehouse type places we'll go, otherwise we just go to the park. Anyway, sorry to be so long winded. It's hard to find people that we feel comfortable with. Right now I doubt I'll make any lasting friendships with these women, but I go so my little ones have some children to play with, and I can at least visit, even on trivial matters, with someone other than my 2 yo. Good luck Shelley
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Old 01-20-2005, 08:31 PM
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coco46 coco46 is offline
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Originally Posted by August 2003
I am just feeling so old and I am starting to worry if adopting her was right for us to do. Did we miss the boat. Will we ever fit someplace?

August~I'm so sorry these insensitive women have made you even doubt your decision to adopt your little darling! YOU are not wrong. THEY are.

Please take my word for it...there is a place for you. You don't need to join a group simply to join. Why not start your own playgroup? An ad in the classifieds is a place to start, but why not use your resources as an amom? Call your agency, see if they'd be open to your starting an "A-Playgroup" with past veterans, present new parents, and future aparents being able to join. If you still contact other parents who went thru the classes, etc. with you, see if they can help out. Or post here! Post in the "E-Pals" forum for your state and see who else may be able to get together with you who will already know what you've been through!

Best of luck and don't be down on yourselves or your DD.
"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable." ~Madeline L'Engle
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Old 01-20-2005, 09:07 PM
ACmom ACmom is offline
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August, Hang in there! I am waaayy over 40 and my youngest is in preschool. I am a lot older than the moms there. I have stayed away from playgroups for that reason but I think it would have been better for my daughter if we got more involved. You are not alone, you are not too old, and your daughter is blessed to have such a caring mom!
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Old 01-21-2005, 09:54 AM
redhedded redhedded is offline
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August, Who needs em! You can find a supportive like minded group; you may just have to look a little harder. I am an over 35 mama to two gorgeous brown adopted children, who have a fan club of adults everywhere we go. We attend many informal playgroups but did not join an organized one; we started our own with women moms (and dads) that we met and liked. My recommendation: do things with your dd that you love, the library, storytime, the children's museum or join a music, dance or yoga class for moms and babies. By participating independently in such satisfying activites, you are likely to meet women who embrace you, encourage you to share your story of becoming mom to your dd, and who share your interests.

I have some wonderful gems for friends that I met only after becoming a mom; on the journey to finding them, I met a lot more duds that I would not cross the street to greet. Keep your head up, your independent spirit intact and keep looking!

Last edited by specialk4b : 02-12-2007 at 07:51 AM. Reason: removed cuss words - changed who the hell to who
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Old 01-21-2005, 10:06 AM
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MMC66 MMC66 is offline
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I'm right there with ya

I know of several mom's groups (Addy is only 3 months old) in our area and I just can't bring myself to go. I'm old, she's adopted, I'm divorced and remarried, I have older kids. I'm somewhere between feeling sorry for myself and Addy because we don't fit in and being so self righteous because we are such an enlightened family. (both reasons are hideously warped). I think redhedded's advice is the best; join a class, start doing things with your daughter that you love and meet people that way.

Wish we were neighbors :-(

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Old 01-21-2005, 10:36 AM
HappyMomAnna HappyMomAnna is offline
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I can relate to most of what you wrote--I turned 42 yesterday--and my children are special needs and it often shows in public situations... I am Irish the children are much different looking then me---but not completely--It can be hard when we are out because people will say, "You must get those brown eyes from your daddy"--and of course considering the fact our daughter was not our daughter until she was 5 years old--that brings out the fact that we Adopted her...and then questions and then people thanking me right in front of my kids for the 'wonderful things we are doing"

Being a 40-somthing mom has been interesting in itself..... It really can be very difficult to 'fit in with' the younger people.... My lucky thing is that I have my older kids both before I was 22 so I used to be one of those YOUNGEST moms in the group and I understand how THEY feel about me today.... When my older kids were in grade school I remember one of the mothers was quit older then me....I am thinking she must have been in her 40s back then and lived a life of established success... This woman was soooooo nice to me and reached out attempting to connect with me for YEARS.... But I was so insecure with my own life that I felt like she was attempting to mentor me or something and NOW I really do regret the way I responded to her.

It is not only the fact we are the age we are--It is that our wisdom sticks out and those younger parents do not know how to treat us as equals.... It really is not all their faults because they just don't feel up to us... I don't believe they are looking down at us...I think we intimidate them and they feel like we KNOW too much to be part of their groups.... Like some old Aunt or Teacher butting into their conversations. I mean how on earth could we understand the issues in their lives because clearly we are more successful and we have done more in our lives...and after all for you and I we adopted kids....that must take some big bucks and some really great life....

I also think that in general when we hit those 40's years we as a population are finding it more and more difficult to MAKE NEW Friends... Add to that the fact that you and I are parenting younger children then the majority of parents with kids our age and well...... it can be difficult to connect to anyone.

Then we don't have the stories of how we gave birth.... I have always been sort of used to this being left out part because my older children were C-sections so I never got to -- push--and never had that part of the story to share--or all the rest--and usually didn't have much to say in the labor and delivery conversations... But I had the recovery things and well, the only people who wanted to talk about that had C-sections too....which thank goodness is less often....

It has taken me a little while to GET OVER my own feelings of being left out.... and I have just learned to smile and nod a lot in the situations like you have been facing. Sometimes I have decided it is NOT worth my while to keep putting myself into situations that make me feel uncomfortable---and sometimes I have decided that maybe I am supposed to help CHANGE the attitudes of other not allowing their attitudes to upset me...and by showing that my kid and myself are JUST the same as they are....just that our family was put together differently...

I had really terrible problems with getting my daughter into Girl Scouts.... Ten years ago I was a big wig at the council level--editor of the news paper and served on several important boards in the regional area--when I called last August to get back in the young new people there were all about how things have changes so much since my ancient history! That I would need every level of retraining and that I couldn't possibly know anything about Girl Scouts in modern history! Only Two significant changes have happened--and I was on the committee that started the research to implement one of them.... They look at me like I came out of the past and haunt them to death... I will not need to be retrained...thank Goodness there is a National Level and ONCE a Girl Scout Always a Girl Scout and leaders are leaders forever--we just need a recent update to CPR and First Aid and it is suggested we take a brush up course on basic training to catch on to new things and remember what we might have forgotten.... .... and a recent criminal history but everyone has to do that so many years apart...


But then I realize when I got beck in that one of the new big wigs was once a Girl in one of my Troops! So there! Right back at me!

Just remember that EACH person in this world has a story and that it is NOT always US with the issue--more often then not it really is their problem and if we pull back and don't keep on keeping on they win! And we go home feeling bad!

I have decided that I never really did like the whole play group thing even when I was a young mom--It was way too much like High School to be among the group of my kid is better then yours... Even when my older ones were in these kinds of groups I personally had my own feelings about dealing with Mary and Jane who made everything from scratch and had the smartest 3 year old God ever placed on earth...So this time around I decided that Play Groups would not be something I got into...I make the play group at home...and pay for two mornings a week of preschool for my little one--that way I can take an aqua aerobic class and work out the pain from my arthuritis....with all the 60 year olds!
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Last edited by HappyMomAnna : 01-21-2005 at 10:48 AM.
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Old 01-21-2005, 11:27 AM
spaypets spaypets is offline
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LOL--August you can imagine our situation -- DH is a stay-at-home dad! Imagine being:
1. 40
2. Fair when your DD is brown
3. and a MAN

Yet, he found a niche by going to our local libary story time. He met a nice woman, who's husband is a) secure, b) home a lot and c) a nice guy and their son. Our kids have become best friends and as parents we like each other. They have a standing play date, sometimes joined by other kids. And, as kids get older, the labor and delivery stories get told less and less.

DH also takes DD to swimming lessons where he chats with the other parents.

Your daughter's young - at that age they really only engage in parallel play anyway. As she gets older and starts to be drawn to other kids, it'll get easier.
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
Benjamin Franklin
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Old 01-21-2005, 11:58 AM
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spitzlvr spitzlvr is offline
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You give me hope! My DH is 37, and is a baker (which means he is a stay at home dad). He has yet to find his niche. When he goes to the park with my 3 yr old ds, other mothers watch him like he is going to snatch their kids! (Not that I can really blame them). Also - when at the park DH is not one to sit and watch - he gets in there are plays with ds and his friends.

He would love to join a playgroup, but they are all "mommy and me". He says he feels stupid going.

I so loves being a stay at home Dad! I wish he would find the perfect playgroup!
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Old 01-21-2005, 12:48 PM
August 2003 August 2003 is offline
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Oh my I never expected the responses you all gave! You made me feel better, and I thank you for that. MY husband and I were 38 when we got our daughter and we felt nothing could stand in our way. Silly us. Now we are both 40 and feel so old sometimes. But we just look at our daughter and know we did the right thing.

I am going to hold off on the play groups and keep going to storytime. We do meet nicer people there. Men and ladies.

I you all made me realize just because there are playgroups we don't have to join them, it is alright to do our own thing. Thank you!

Last edited by August 2003 : 01-21-2005 at 01:42 PM.
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Old 02-10-2005, 11:56 PM
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mrsred mrsred is offline
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August, I am 49. My dh is 42. My bio son is 9 and my pre-adoptive son is 5. I am not old. I am president of the parent, staff organization of the 9 year olds school. My friends range in age from 24 to 95. I don't worry about my age or that of anyone else. The other mothers at the school are shocked when they find ut that I am the same age as [i]their mothers. A long time ago I very wise woman told me "Age is a matter of mind. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter". If you are going thorough life expecting that others may judge you because you are older, or because your daughter is adopted rather than from your womb you will be right. When my dh and I decided to pursue adoption we spoke to everyone about it. The entire staff of my sons school knew what was going on every step of the way. And I made some discoveries. The school nurse has an adopted daughter... thefront desk secretary adopted both her dughters,,,, the speech therapist adopted her son from India.... the fourth gradeteacher adopted her son... It seemed that everytime I opened a door I found another person whose life was touched by adoption.
Nothing is an issue unless you make it an issue.
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Old 01-04-2006, 04:06 PM
nilarsen nilarsen is offline
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I am 46 and I have a 3 year old adoptive daughter from equador and I do remember the unspoken questions, but I have learned to keep a straight face and answer question.
my advice: It takes time to get rid of the sentitivity.
Respect others feeling about being different and keep an open mind - and believe me there are older moms out there. Join an adoptive parents group or look through other neigborhoods for more open-minded playgrups. YMCA is one place where there could be more diversity.
It is not always about what is being said, but how it is perceived.
Good Luck
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Old 01-15-2006, 04:04 AM
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csw csw is offline
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There are plenty of parents out there in their late 30's and 40' our MOM's club there is one older than me and 1 mom that is slightly younger..the rest are probably early 30's..(I am 41)..I have a 2.5 year old and a 14 year old..I have the oldest kid in the club..they are very nice..and have moms night out etc..I get along well with the woman slightly older than me..but the younger ones just keep talking about their manicures and pedicures and I am just not into that stuff! They have always been very accepting of our adoption and Ana fits right in and plays..there are some rough older boys in the we try to do the one for age 2 and under..
Try an attachment parenting support group in your area..hippie mom's and I am sure some are late 30's and 40's..
Mom to 2 kiddo's
DS b/r 6/91 home 12/91 Peru
DD b/r 6/03 home 3/04 Guatemala

2/03 totally paper ready
Never told about Hague
6/03 DD b/referral
6/03 agency claims they will "do our POA"
1st visit 8/03
DNA 10/03
2nd visit 10/03
Found out POA never sent to Guatemala
POA 11/03 (5 months after referral!)
FC 11/03
3rd visit 1/04
redid entire dossier and finger's
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Old 03-27-2006, 08:34 PM
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SheldeMuse SheldeMuse is offline
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It's always something..

I'm 39, kids are 11 and 2 and they've been with us for 6 months. I didn't even try playgroups with the toddler; not my scene. When I go to my favorite parks I'm happier to see my favorite nannies and the retired trucker (going on 50, stay at home dad and college student) than the women who are more "like" me.

Because people think our kids look like us (they're not brown) we don't get any odd curiosity. So here's the interesting part - when the topic of adoption comes up, people have always been interested, and I haven't had any stupid or hateful things said yet. I'm glad of that, but it really makes me think about the reasons people get so many inappropriate remarks when their kids don't "match".
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Old 03-27-2006, 08:45 PM
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Teekay74 Teekay74 is offline
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You will find the right playgroup. Hang in there. Actually I never belonged to a playgroup w/ DD. Now- she is in kindergarten. I spend time w/ quite a few moms, who ages differ greatly. I'm the youngest and I'm 31. A lot of them do have grown children, and kindergartners! Things will work out. You were meant to have this baby or you wouldn't! You don't need that group! Take the baby and go to the library, park, McDonalds, who cares where. Enjoy your time together.
DTC-March 6, 2006 LID -March 22.2006
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