[DolciLady]

Ok, so my earlier weekly group post about who tells ya when to travel only got one response, I thought it'd be ok to throw out my next pop quiz. hehehe

We plan on changing our little boy's name to Evan Derek. We *may* throw in one of his original names as additional middle name because I feel funny just throwing away his given name. Must admit I haven't suggested that to Derek yet...but I don't see him having a problem with it since long names are fairly common in Hispanics anyway.

Are any of you planning on changing your child's name? How and when do you do that? Is that done as re-adoption through your state once you have the child home?

Any opinions or reasons on why you want or don't want to change his/her name? All feedback is welcome.

I created a sign for Evan's nursery the other night. Here it is.

Robin

[qs mom]

Robin -

My son is adopted from Eastern Europe. I didn't want to give him a long name. I felt that his native name that I used as his middle name might get lost. So his name is Name of my choosing, his birth name as his middle name, my last name.

In the country I adopted in, I am recorded as his mother with the name I gave him. I received a birth certificate with his new name on it from his native country.

It is not required that I re-adopt in my state. It is however recommended. I may have to do this, they made a mistake in the translation, using a "Y" instead of an "I".

[jhscats]

We plan to wait and see what our little boy's birth name is. We may keep it if it is something that can be pronounced and spelled without too much difficulty in English. Plan B is to Americanize his birth name, example is Jaime becomes Jamie. If it can't be Americanized, we may change his first name altogether and keep his middle name Spanish.

I've read several posts on the forums about this, and the children seem to adapt amazingly fast to a new name. Several moms have called their child by both names for the first couple of weeks, then shift over to only using the new name.


Joan

[DolciLady]

When we were TTC (trying to conceive) we chose the name Evan Derek. We like the name Evan and Derek is...well after Derek! hehe We didn't want a junior.

When we decided to adopt from Panama, we talked a lot about what his name might or will be. We looked through hundreds of hispanic boys names and gagged on nearly every one. It figures the ones we DO like are already taken by Derek's family. There are like 4 Ramons, Thomases, and 4-5 Louis/Louisa/Luisa's, etc etc. And we didn't want to name him after someone in the family (not a lot of choices and didn't want to have to choose).

Derek is from Panama but obviously doesn't have a hispanic name, and since I'm plain ole gringo, I don't have one either. So, we thought a 'regular' name would suit our little family unit. Our last name is Reyes, so that's hispanic enough. It's amazing how many ways folks pronounce it...and never get it right!

Derek brought up the point that our son is likely to be "very" hispanic (Derek is mixed hispanic/caucasion so he's pretty light") and therefore may already stand out quite a bit. Now, without opening a huge can of worms, I think we all can admit that people can be pretty prejudiced (even unconciously or without realizing it). So, we thought a regular or Americanized name would help Evan possibly not face any or as much discrimination (especially by teachers, employers, etc). Plus, Derek said it may help him feel like he really does belong to us more, even if he doesn't look exactly like us. Some may not agree with that, but it was something we considered.

If I didn't tell you Derek was hispanic, you wouldn't likely know it. Same, to a degree, with his father, who is 100% hispanic, and neither of them have accents. I've seen people change when they hear them suddenly break into Spanish or hear our last name. It's a reality that does exist whether we like it or not.

It's not like we're taking away his heritage, since Derek himself is Panamanian, so that doesn't play a part in our decision to change his name.

I think the name issue is pretty important, just as important as deciding if you're comfortable with adopting a child of a different color, creed, race, or nationality. On another level, what if I can't stand the name he was given and it's absolutely not something I'd choose. I wonder if I might subconciously look at Evan differently or feel a kind of distance. Like every time I used it it would scream to me "he's not all yours" or something.

Good discussion. Hope to get more feedback.
Robin

[qs mom]

Oh Robin, I forgot to mention this and it really does make a differnece in my case . . .

My son was not an infant. He was almost 3 when I adopted him. And he lived with his family for 9 months. So he was named by his first family and I felt it important that he know that. It is the only thing he has from his first family. There are no photos or other information about them, except his first mothers name and his place of birth. If he was named at the orphanage, I probably would have changed his whole name.

[TanyaB]

I strongly suggest reading What size shoes does she wear? Adopting a Toddler, by Denise Harris Hoppenhauer. It is an awesome book written by a women who adopted her children as toddlers. It also talks about what to take when you travel, language issues, attachment, and she even mentions name changes. She said they changed her daughters name and kept her bio. first name as her middle. When her little girl started school she wouldn't tell anyone her name, when they asked her why, she told them she didn't know for sure what it was. She knew herself as one name in her country and as a different name here. She was like three I think when they adopted her. The Hoppenhauer suggests that you leave your childs bio name in their full name and and call them by both names (such as: Jorge, you would call the child Michael Jorge and than slowly just call him Michael. This way he associates his new name and old name together and it becomes his name not old or new. Now this is just what the book says how well it works I have no clue, but it sounds good We have decided to keep our child's bio. name and give him an Americanized name and when he is older he can choose what he wants to be called. This is what we "think" we will do, we may just leave it as it is. It truly depends on him.
T

[JUF]

We are planning on doing the same thing that Joan described. If we do change his/her name we will keep the birth name as a middle name. We are likely adopting an infant, I think the older the child the harder it would be to change their name.

TanyaB that book sounds very interesting, thanks for recommending it.

[janemarie]

When we adopted our daughter in Colombia we received a birth certificate with the name we gave her and our names on it. We also have her original birth certificate.

Is this the same in Panama?

jane

[kittysnak]

i as a birthmom ask why change the name of the child , what if that child wants to find thier birth parents when they are older? what if the parents are searching ? the name of my child was changed and i livve in a world of heartbreack and sorrow , i never had a chance against the people who had the money to buy my grief , at least leave the birth name written down somewhere ,so that when they ask you can say you were born to so and so and this is what she named you and what she gave you!

[whoownsthis]

kittysnak,
Thank you for this other perspective! ...
The good news is that adoptive parents of children born in another country often DO save all of the information about their child's birthfamily. In fact, some are even fortunate enough to meet the birthfamily who want a sense of reassurance that they made the right decision in placing their child for adoption!

Adoptive families also feel it's important to save part of their child's heritage by keeping their given name as a middle name or sometimes even "Americanizing" it (ex: if it's "Jose" they might change it to "Joseph," or "Miguel" to "Michael." Same name, but in English).

But as for finding the birthfamily when they are older, this is much more difficult with an international adoption than it is with a domestic adoption (here in the U.S.). For this reason, adoptive families try to find as much out about the birthfamily and why the child was brought to the orphanage so that they can share this information with the child when he/she is old enough to understand. If the child's country of origin allows the child to have their adoption files re-opened when they turn 18 or 21, many adoptive families travel with the child to help them with their search. But realize that this is not an easy task in another country.

Remember, even if a family chooses to give their adopted child a new name, the child will always be told where they came from, what their name was, who there birthparents were (if the family knows this info), and how loved they were by the family who put them in the orphanage in the hopes that they would someday have a better life than the family felt they could give.

I would like to think that no adoptive parent wants to erase a child's past by giving them a new name, but rather, hopes to create a new identity--one in which the child can blend their known past (however pleasant or hurtful it may have been) with a new one of hope and love from their "forever family."

Rebecca
P.S. It sounds like you are still hurting regarding your decision to place your child with an adoptive family. Perhaps you can find support in the birthparent forums where others understand your pain more than adoptive parents ever could. Hopefully you will find peace with your decision, and know that it is getting easier for children (as adults) to find their birthparents today than ever before with the Internet!

[cambrlr]

I was given a new birth name by my mom, and I truly feel that was her right. Here is my reason why. My bmom gave me birth but my mom gave me life , her time , her caring & most of all her undying love & support.
I do have to say I think it's pretty cool that you do keep some part of their name as their adopted name.

Just my look on things for being an adopted child.
Best of luck & follow your heart.
Laura Ann Cambron

[DolciLady]

Thank you, Laura Ann for your perspective. And a pretty name, too!

Kittysnak, I'm sorry you're in so much grief.

I've got very strong feelings about what I see as a fight between bio moms and adoptive moms, seems bio moms resent a-moms and I have never understood why...and will probably offend a lot of b-moms who haven't been able to cope. And I'm sorry for that. But I try to look at this very logically and not so emotionally. MY son is in an orphanage and has no "mommy" until I am allowed to go get him. I'm not buying his birthparents' grief. His bio-parents made a choice, for whatever reason, and hopefully they feel it was the right choice and eventually make peace with it. If not, I hope they do whatever it takes to go get him back from the orphanage. (I am sure there are bio-moms who really should not have put their children up for adoption, as well as adoptive parents who weren't cut out to be parents.) I'm not even sure that his bio parents gave him his name, he could have been dropped off in the middle of the night in a basket left for dead, for all I know at this point. It could have been the nuns raising him who named him. I cannot imagine the emotional fallout of putting your child up for adoption or turning him over to an orphange where he may NEVER have a family at all. This may sound very harsh, but I'm cutting to the chase here. My son is waiting for ME, and he will be MY son, all the way down the line. I'm not doing the birthmom a favor, which is how I feel bitter bio-moms see adoption at times. I'm not buying her child, certainly not stealing it. I'm not out to "save" a child. I certainly am not sharing my child or co-parenting with a birth mom...that's one of the big reasons we never gave domestic or open adoptions a single thought. I would love to have info to share with my son. One day, if he wants to learn more or meet her, I wish it were easier for him to do. She's a part of this, always will be. I cannot forget of the birth mother's existence, whether, quite frankly, I'd like to or not.

I'm adopting because I want to parent. I, personally, don't give the birthfamily a great deal of thought except to hope they're happy and grateful that they did not abort my child. I really do feel for the birth family, but I don't believe shrines should be built in their honor or think they should be idolized. Adoptive parents shouldn't be worshipped or idolized, either. I will always pray for birth parents. But I won't pity them. Sympathy and empathy, absolutely. But never pity. I'm certainly not doing this for them.

We need a child. And a child needs us. That's all there is to it. So I feel it is my right to handle my child in any way I see fit. My son's name is Evan Derek.

I really hope I haven't come across so callous and unfeeling, it's hard to get the tone right sometimes. I've tried to be tactful.

Any tactful feedback is welcome.

God bless everyone involved in this whole convuluted situation. Most of all, God bless the children who had no choice, but hopefully got one.


Robin

[Jensboys]

Robin ... I say this as an adoptive parent of boys - I have four in fact a few years further down this journey than you are. I say this because I want you to think about a few things before you do get your son home ... I hope it doesnt come across as harsh, because I dont mean it to.

Firstly, the reality is that even if you call your so Evan Derick (which is a very nice name) and that is all he is to YOU .. his reality is that he WAS someone else first. It may not matter to you .... but it very much might matter to him.

You might feel like he was born to you ... and that you love him more than life itself (which I assure you, you will) you might like to forget that he ever existed before he became your son (and its easy to do -- trust me!) but TO HIM he will know that he had another mother as well.

When we talk about adding our sons birthnames as part of their forever names or when we talk about agknowledging birth parents as important figures in our lives ... we dont do it to make us feel better and we dont do it to make the birth parents feel better .... we do it because it is SO SO SO important to the children.

I tell you this as a mom of boys who are growing more every day -- I realize the importance TO THEM now of that respect of their birth history and birth parents.

Sometimes, do I wish it wasnt as important to them ... that I could wave a magic wand and make them forget the loss that caused them to be my sons ... OF COURSE. But part of being the BEST parent I can be to them means agknowledging and RESPECTING the parts of them that make them unique.

So saying all that -- by ignoring a child's birth name (even if it was given to them by a nun or care giver) I think can set up a feeling of disregard for who the REALITY of your child IS and WAS. Your child may become Evan Derick but that is NOT who they are today. By going international simply so you dont have to "deal" with birthfamily is denying the REALITY that yoru child will still have other parents ... that may not be important to you, but may be VERY important to you child.

Adoptive parenting is WONDERFUL and PRECIOUS but it is VERY different than having a biological child in many ways. By grieving those losses and letting go of those expectations (even the expectation of being able to singly name your child) you become a BETTER parent to your children.

Evan may not care at 2 or 3 but he may really care at 9 or 10 --- and trust me, it really helps if you have built a strong foundation of respect and agknowledgment of his birth and journey to be your son BEFORE that point.

I hope your journey to reach each other is swift. God Bless!

[DolciLady]

Thanks, Jen.

Your post wasn't harsh at all. I do appreciate your points. There are a ton of emotions to sort through, and they are everchanging, that's for sure!

I hope I didn't sound like the birth mom (or birth family) wasn't important or would be totally disregarded. I think a-parents should take cues from their kids. If Evan wants to talk about his beginnings or his bio-mom, etc etc, I will make sure he knows it's ok to bring it up anytime. I thought it would be nice to plant a tree or flowering shrub in her honor. Maybe write her a note on Dec 8th (Panamanian Mother's Day) wishing her well or some similar sentiment. But I do think it's possible to go overboard with things like that.

Evan will know everything I know about his parents...which, unfortunately in the land of Int'l adoption, might be zilch. I won't hide anything and I won't discourage him from asking. I know I can't force him to be a child of my womb and not someone else's. In all likelihood, he'll put deeper emotional importance on his parents than I do (at this point in time), but that's something I will have to deal with.

But what I will not do is live with the birth mom figuratively standing over my shoulder. The last thing I want to feel like is a glorified babysitter. The last thing I want to feel is worry or guilt like I "took" someone else's child, as if I did something wrong. I don't want to be intimidated or feel like I have to compete with a woman I don't even know, and may never ever know.

I can't help that I have imagined my son's name as Evan Derek for several years. I admit I got a bit defensive at kittysnak's post, like I have no right even considering changing his name. While I think we have every right in the world.

I certainly don't mean to disrespect birth mothers. It's a fine line, I think, in knowing just how much weight to give them, in your own head and heart. I admit trying to shrug them off is a way to protect yourself. It is easier on the a-parents, for their own emotions, to make the bio-folks less "real" or "human".

In some ways, I think the less info we know, the better...for US. All my opinions, so far, are geared towards myself and my husband. You made a great point...I realize I need to think more as an adoptive child. I'm just so used to it being Derek and Robin. The closer this adoption becomes more real, I think that'll happen naturally, that I walk more in the child's shoes. Right now, this still simply feels like a bunch of paperwork. It's hard for me to imagine there really will BE a child at the end of this road! haha

I should consider the child's possible thoughts and emotions, I agree. But I am not real sure I think I need to be walking in the birth mom's and worry about offending her by changing Evan's name. Feedback on that sentiment is appreciated.

Well, I'm babbling again, so I'll shut up for now.
Robin

[lilypad]

There are so many decisions that parents have to make on a daily basis. For adoptive parents some of those simple decisions can end up being very complicated.. such as naming your child and will this be the right decision 10 years from now.

I so agree with the need to take your child's perspective in account when it comes to helping him grow up well adjusted to the life that God has determined for him. But ultimately a family unit has to be lead by the parents and the parents have to make decisions that they are comfortable with for the good of the family including the child. If that is naming your child the name you have always dreamt of... then that is what you should do!

We kept our children's birthnames as their middle names. We adopted them as infants from a Pacific island. And we have open adoptions for both of them. Our DD's bfather visited us at our home on her 1st birthday. Our DS's bmom (whom he has seen twice since his adoption) and bio-brother stayed in our home for a week last year. Was it easy?.... NO WAY! Would I do it again?.... ABSOLUTELY. I was a nervous wreck of course, both times, but I would do anything for my children. I even asked DS's bmom about his name and the fact that we changed it. There was a slight language barrier but what she said was... He is your son now, and it's your decision for him.

Our children are 7 and 6 now and each day we navigate our lives the best we can... what more can you do? BTW we are all having a GREAT time!