[sofla100]

My wife and I are 47, to be 48 this yr. We are looking at adopting a toddler out of the Ukraine and am moving forward
with it. I have to admit some hesitation due to the age factor-
the biggest thing thinking that when you are 70 the child will
be in their early 20's or so.

However, I am confident about handling it, mostly its an energy
thing. More difficult is the sense of some sacrifice due to the
committment at this stage in life.

However, I feel it is worth it.

[Linny]

Yep, gotta agree with you. The only thing I find interesting that some people question is what you have stated in your post about 'the child being in their 20's when you are 70'.

I used to think a lot about that.........but then I wondered 'why was I concerned about this'? I mean, isn't the child in their 20's........an adult then? We were adopting our first baby at 23.....lived VERY far away from home, and except for the 2wk stay my sister had with us......we had no other family around for many, many months!

So, I wonder why this is an issue with so many people? We've also been given the 'what if something happens to you while your child is young?'......This IS true.....but I also know of acquaintances that died during childbirth, just a few months after childbirth, or when their children were quite young, or teens.........so it's really just as possible at 23, as it is at 53.

One thing I do believe is different, is that my hubby and I have gained weight over the years (as many have....sigh......)...and it has become clear that we are going to have to shed these many pounds NOW....as we have little ones to raise!

Yes, there are times that my knees crack a little (I make myself change diapers on the floor, so I will keep the exercise of getting up and down).....and for the first few months after our baby came, those ol' back muscles gave me fits...because they were so out of shape. However, I can wear a backpack with my baby like a pro.......and I need no help in shifting it on and off my back! (Which has often amazed store clerks and people on the street!)

Best of luck with your upcoming toddler!


Sincerely,

Linny

[lucyjoy]

"More difficult is the sense of some sacrifice due to the
committment at this stage in life."

Please be sure you are ready for this. I have an 11 year old adopted ot 51/2 by an "older" couple. Last June they decided they were too old to make the changes they needed to make for his needs(he's not a real tough kid, but does require structure).

In Nov, 2001, I took a four year old whose 50 year old adoptive mothe, after 1 1/2 years decided she was too old to adjust her routine to meet his needs(Also not a hard kid, but lots of energy).

I'm sure there are lots of older parents that are willing and ready to make these changes, but it is not fair to the kids for the parents to decide part way through they're done. Please read a lot about attachment parenting.

I'm not trying to discourage you, I just feel that agencies don't prepare parents enough for possible life changes and too many kids are getting hurt. Adoption cannot be a try it and return it if it doesn't work. It's a lifetime committment.(I in no way mean to imply you have this attitude, I just see this attitude a lot and what it does to the children.(my soap box issue))

[sofla100]

When you are younger, you are simply more naive about things or you accept things differently. When you are older, you understand the truth about things and about life a lot better.
Many early in life get pregnant and never even think about the consequences that will ensue. Age makes you consider everything much more fully before you do it.

Anyway, I know the consequences that a child entails, and I agree with you it is very important to consider them all.

I do think however that the advantages of being older are also significant. Having more money, we all know that is really a big help. And, being more knowledgeable about things, that helps. Problematic kids are always a concern, they can just as easily be biological of course. My experience however is that they are much more likely to be an issue with step-parenting.

Anyway, thank you for your advice.

[jaredsmom]

We started our process when I was 49, and have only just received our 11 year old son. He was placed with us on March 12th, and is already the love of our lives.

There are TREMENDOUS adjustments to be made -- the loss of our privacy, the control of the television, the lack of spare time, the attention he craves because he never got it one-on-one before.

But it is SO worth it when he puts his arms around my neck at bedtime for a hug, or hugs me right before leaving for school.

I understand now what people say about the smell of a baby. Jared uses liquid soap and it smells good on him, and I now associate it with hugs and loving smiles.

I know, we're still in the "honeymoon" stage, but he is really pushing buttons and getting real comfortable at staging temper tantrums. He knows we love him, but may not like what he does.

As far as energy, so far we are able to keep up with the basketball, baseball, bowling and hockey. But he is not in any organized activities yet, so I still have being a baseball mom in my future.

I can't wait. Ther only advice I would say to fellow older parents is to make a very careful choice. Don't take the first child offered, make sure their temperament is suited to yours.

Maureen, Downey CA

[eileenlm]

DO IT!!!!!!

I was 46 and my husband 48 when we started the adoption process for our little baby from Guatemala. We've had her for six months (she is now 1 year old). Now we spring out of bed in the morning, I've lost weight and whittled down my waist from picking her up - and we have a new-found joy in our lives. We've been married for 22 years. I don't worry about our ages. We're healthy, happy, financially secure and have so much to offer our little daughter.

Funny how she fit into our lives like a little puzzle piece. We still manage to find time for ourselves when she's sleeping or napping (!) and we cherish her every moment!

You have to decide when to have children when it's right for YOU! Quite honestly, I couldn't imagine having kids in my 20s or 30s. We were married over 10 years before we even started thinking about kids. I wasn't about to go the invitro route (dangerous drugs with unknown effects later in life). Being a 40-something parent is cool (you'll have lots of company), fun and exciting. No one we know even blinked an eye when we told them about our adoption plans. We can do everything younger parents can - and age is but a number!! Even my parents - both at 77 - have a renewed energy now that our daughter is here. God has a plan....this was His for us! Let me know if you'd like to talk and I'll give you my email address!

[jaja'smom]

We have had experiences at both extremes of parenting age. I was 18 and 19 when our first two children were born. I love them totally and was the very best parent I could be for them. However I look back and cringe at some of the naive mistakes I made. Also being that young myself I didn't realize how quickly time flies and how short the period of childhood really is. Luckily we still have a great relationship with these now grown children and I guess I didn't make any unforgivable mistakes (at least none that they hold against me )
Now at 45 and 53 we have a 2 and 1/2 yr old and a 2 week old baby, both adopted. Its not that we love them more than our older kids but we seem to APPRECIATE them more, knowing how short the babyhood, toddlerhood etc. really is. Also we are more emotionally, financially and in other ways more mature and that makes us calmer, wiser, more patient parents I think.
One thing that does bother me is how often we get mistaken for the GRANDparents of our 2 yr old. I tell myself I don't want her to be embarrassed by having old-looking parents but its probably my pride that's being hurt. I went to pick her up at daycare and a 3 yr old said "are you her mother or her grandmother? You look like her grandmother" out of the mouths of babes...
One good thing, I have a best friend who had her first child biologically at 45 with a husband 10 yrs older, and we can be supportive of each other.

[Cortonagirl]

If you want to look at the negative side, sure, you can look way ahead at how hold the child will be when we're 70 or so. But most important, is that we provide a loving and nurturing home and I have two bio kids now 23 and 25 and just became a grandmother too, so these kids are keeping me YOUNG!!! I purposely took off 30 pounds, eat well, exercise, just to keep up and I feel better than I did when I was 25.

Look, I'm a medic, and you could loose your life tomorrow. So, enjoy today, love every minute with your child, and the rest of your family.


I'm definitely pro-older adoption!!!!

[eileenlm]

How nice to have such lovely company. I think all these experiences are so much fun. I tried to explain to my 30-something friends about what it's like to be over 40. I've found that I'm not too concerned what others think of me, and I find a lot of things funnier than I did early on. It's a freeing feeling - plus my husband is entertained daily ha!

May I share one funny story? I was at the grocery store, before we brought our daughter home from Guatemala. A lady in front of me was checking out, with her cute little baby, obviously from China. The checkout girl said "Oh, you have such a pretty granddaughter!!" Before the woman to respond that she was this baby's MOTHER, I piped up and said "Well, if YOU'RE a grandmother, you're looking pretty hot!" The mother laughed and the checkout girl just looked confused. After the mother left, I told the checkout girl that a lot of 40-something woman are new mothers. The next time I went to the store, the checkout girl thanked me and said "My mom said I should think before I just say some things." My first coaching moment as a soon-to-be-mommy!

[jaja'smom]

One thing that seems a little harder at this age is dealing with the lack of sleep. We have a two week old baby who is keeping me up right now But I know how fleeting this stage will be and that helps. Each time I have to drag myself awake for a middle of the night feeding I tell myself 'this is one less time you will ever get to do this' it really helps to put it in perspective.
I am very interested to hear of other 'older' mothers who are also raising 'second families' as we are. Many of our friends think we are crazy. When we get comments like 'I can't imagine doing that at this age' I respond with 'I can't imagine NOT doing it' or when one friend said 'She's cute but I'm glad its you and not me' I answered with 'I'M glad its me and not you too.' We tried so hard for so long to add to our family and we couldn't be happier with our daughters. Our older children, one married (no grandchildren on the horizon) are incredibly supportive and excited about their baby sisters. In some ways it is a compliment to them. Raising them was so fulfilling that we want to do it some more. Yes, we will be in our 60's and seventies when these girls are in their twenties. But between now and then they have security and unconditional love. I know some people feel it is 'wrong' to take on parenting when you are older and so for them it probably is wrong and they shouldn't do it. For us, and obviously for many others, it just couldn't be more 'right.'
So I say sofla 100, go for it and the very best of luck with your adoption process. We are oldies but goodies.

[Cortonagirl]

Though I said nothing but positive things about being a new parent again at 47 to a 9 month old, I STILL get up once a night to feed him, and yes, I'm very tired. I try to take a nap during his at noon, even though I like to seize the opportunity to get housework done.

I also get the same responses from the public as you "you're crazy to do this again at your age" (I have two grown daughters - bio). I also get "good for you for starting over again!"

What I do, and it doesn't help the marriage out too much, but it makes for a happier mom the next day, I have my husband take over with the baby at 8pm and I go to bed and read or just fall asleep. My son keeps me very active all day, and the weekend we work hard as a family to spend time together doing fun things.

My biggest concern is when he's 8 or 12, how am I going to be then? I just have to continue to work hard at staying healthy.

Oh, do ever get "how old is your grandchild?! I do!!! I don't even look that old, but some people can be really rude!!!

[eileenlm]

If anyone says to me "how old is your grandchild?" I'm going to reply with "what makes you think this is my grandchild?" Stupid people deserve stupid comebacks!!

I thought of another great thing about over 40 parents. My husband is very hands on and involved in this whole adventure. I don't feel like I'm in it alone, and we takes turns, so one person doesn't feel overwhelmed. We also have much more flexible schedules than we did on our 20s and 30s. I work from my home office and my husband has his own company. So we could adjust our schedules depending on what the other had going on that day. I recently got a woman to help in the house since I (wisely) figured out that I can't give my daughter 100 percent of my attention AND handle a challenging job. My husband adjusts his work so he can be home doing paperwork one or two days a week. That way I can concentrate on my work and know that our daughter is in good hands. I also travel about one week every three months (the compromise I make for being able to work from home) and I feel good knowing everything is under control while I'm gone.

Regarding energy, I recently joined Curves so I can workout every morning. I'm not much for exercise (ha ha) but it's a quick workout and gives me a lot of energy.

[Cortonagirl]

Whenever someone asks if he's my grandchild, I just say "no, he's my son". They look really stupid and I enjoy their facial expression of embarrassment!

We have similar lifestyles. I teach part time and work out of my home, and hired a housekeeper to come in every other week to clean our house, it's too big for me to keep up with and my husband isn't exactly a neat freak!

He has a pretty flexible schedule too, so I think being older has wonderful advantages, this being one of them. We're both more in tune with a child's needs, i.e. developmental toys that are really advantageous as well as spending time at this young age to read to them every day. I would never have been able to take this kind of time with my daughters when they were young. I was a single parent just trying to make ends meet and I barely remember spending quality time with them. However, I did take them on a lot of weekend outings, and I just remember being able to stay up until 10pm and still feeling fine the next day.

There are obviously pros and cons to the age difference of having kids at a young age vs. older. If I were to do it all over again, I DEFINITELY would have waited until my late 30's.

Anyway, now my daughters really are close to our adopted son and just shower him with love. They don't live with us, but I have two great babysitters any time.

My mother-in-law lives with us (that's another story!!!), and she takes care of our son once a week so we can go out.

So you belong to Curves?! One just opened up by our house, but I have a treadmill at home and we play tennis and ride bikes when we can. I would love to join a gym, but I'm doing ok for now. I just took of 38 pounds and have 10 more I'd like to loose. It's hard being at home again and having the frig so accessible. I enjoy eating the Smart Ones cupcakes (chocolate) when I want something sweet. Other than that, I try to keep busy with my son!

Wow, did my fingers get busy this time on the keyboard! Well, have to run! Have a great day!

[jaja'smom]

Sounds like some of us have a lot in common. I work full-time 'outside the home' as they say. I have been able to take some maternity leave so the current lack of sleep is bearable. In our situation it makes the most sense for me to work and my husband to stay home full time at this stage. I wish I was the one who got to stay home but I was a full time mum with our first two so I guess this is fair
He stayed home for the first two years with the 2 1/2 yr old also then we arranged our schedules so that she was only in daycare about 3 hrs four days a week. It was good for her to get some socialization but she wasn't constantly in daycare. I agree that this kind of flexibility in working and scheduling seems to be a bonus of our age/stage of life.
I would LOVE to have a housekeeper but we live in a rural area and I haven't been able to find anyone reliable willing to come out here. Husband does a fantastic job of parenting (much more involved than he was with the older two) but he doesn't have the same need for a clean house that I do. That is actually one of my biggest frustrations because I cannot seem to get everything done anymore Our plan when I go back to work is to have the kids go to daycare for several hours one day a week so hubby can do a good housecleaning, but I have to admit that is more my plan than his.

I was curious about Sofla 100's original comment about "sense of some sacrifice due to the commitment at this stage of life" could you explain more what your concerns are there? Some of us may have support for you there. I know we have always been homebodies with hobbies that include gardening, woodworking, reading, birdfeeding and other things that we do at home so we haven't had to change that lifestyle much with new children. Our other love is travelling, especially camping. We just get the necessary accouterments and take the kids along. So far all our kids have been great travellers.

We don't have any family close by to babysit but our lifestyle has never really included going places without our children and neither of us much likes to leave them with anybody. We didn't with the older two either so that's nothing new.

We also have been losing weight! That seems to be a theme. For us it is a concious decision to stay as healthy as possible as long as possible to be around for these little ones for a long time. So far I've only lost 22 pounds but I'm still working on it. Also I don't think I look that old either but compared to the 'usual' mom with a new baby I know I do. Our oldest is almost 27 so I could easily have grandchildren. I am considering one of those mini facelifts!

[MaryElizabeth]

My husband (43yo) and I (47yo) just switched our path from adopting older siblings to searching for a baby. It's always been a dream for both of us, but we thought "we'll never get a baby, we are too old." That was not the right thinking and we have lots of energy and wisdom. I know I wouldn't have been ready even in my 30's to settle down.

We have just been married 4 years, a first marriage for both of us..guess we are late bloomers.

So thanks to all of you who have already done this and laud the decision...it's very encouraging.
Mary