[Nathan]

How old is too old to adopt?

[live2bhappy2003]

I'm so glad you brought this up. I find it incredibly discriminating that when I've looked at agencies' home pages, they list their criteria for adopting. How in the h'** can they dictate this to us when we have the willingness and desire to adopt? Especially after completing a homestudy which validates our ability to adopt.

As a nurse, I have seen people in their 20's in really, really, poor physical and emotional state as well as those in their 40's. It is all individual!!!! I am in my mid 40's and I just adopted a baby. I have two adult bio children in which I was less prepared to care for financially, emotionally, and just "being there" because I had to work full time. Now I am taking a more active role in eating healthy, working out, and I have the financial stability to stay at home, at least part time with our baby. This is MY opinion and story, though of course, it varies from person to person.

But, my main point is that no one should be discriminated against because of their age in order to adopt. There are just TOO MANY children needing good homes, and great couples come in all shapes, sizes, ages, maturity, etc. etc.

Jen

[Merry]

I agree! I am in my 40`s... have been for a while and have adopted our foster child, she is now 22 months old. We have three older biological children. I have gone throgh alot of emotional ups and downs through the process of deciding to adopt. What it finally came down to was we loved her so much we could not stand to have her go. I know our friends think we are crazy at our age to start over. We really do not understand that because we feel SO lucky to have her. She is our daughter.
I also have felt some guilt at the thought of alot of perfectly wonderful young couples who cannot have children.
We know we can do this. Alot of the couples our age could not and would not be able to do what we are doing. Each situation needs to be individually evaluated. Age is a factor. Health is a factor. Money is a factor. Our daughters biological grandparents would have loved to keep her, they physically and economically could not. Being older parents is a plus in our case.

[khnath]

I would agree that it should be taken on an individual basis, and should be based on your physical, emotional, and mental ability to adopt at whatever age you are. Our pastor is 50 years old and they are adopting 4 children from Haiti ages 2-9 and they have one child in college and one in high school. We think it's wonderful that they're willing and capable to add their life by being blessed with more little ones.

I know my d.h. and I are not finished adopting yet, and we will probably be 40-42 when we adopt our 3rd child. With the cost of adoption it almost makes it impossible to have a nice sized family under 40. We have to take about 4 years in between each child so we can recover financially (somewhat) before we dive in for the next one.

Good Topic.

[bromanchik]

I think they arew talking more about people who are well past 50 +. I think it should be more of the question "How old is it too old to parent>" Tony Randall was a new daddy at 76 (or so) It is setting up a child to lose a parent and I think it is a loss that can be avoided. A senator from Texas (58) and her 69 year old husband just adopted two children. Even if he makes it to their high school graduation, what kind of shape is he going to be in as a parent to a teenager in his eighties? People do not think about the future they just look at their present.

[Tissy]

I am a 37 year old adoptee and this is my experience.

When I was adopted at birth my mom was 37 and my dad was 40. I was raised an only child on a farm, so all of their even older friends and neighbors were my "playmates" and my interaction with other children was minimal at best until they enrolled me in kindergarden. This helped, but I never did feel comfortable around other children and always sought out older people as friends. Most of my relatives and cousins were WAY older than me. Now that I am 37 a lot of them have passed on.
That being said my dad adored me and was the most patient and loving parent a girl could want and I think alot of this had to do with his age. Also I grew up with a more mature outlook than most of my peers due to always interacting with adults.
I married young and had children young and so my dad got to know his grandchildren very well before he died. He was a WONDERFUL grandpa!
So I guess there are pros and cons for all situations. But I think as long as you adore your children with your whole heart and can provide for them well, older parents can be the best parents!

[Merry]

Actually 37 and 40 sound just right to me. Wish we were 10 years younger.

My husband had somewhat the same experience although his parents were in their 20`s. Growing up on a farm does lead to isolation. He thankfully saw cousins occasionally.
We have an in home daycare so I hope that helps with our daughters social life.
I do worry that when she does get into high school we will be an embarrassment for her since we will be much older than her friends parents.
I worry that while in elementary school she won`t have a sibling to lean on if needed.
Will the parents of her friends have trouble relating to us because we are older. Make it harder for her to be included at times? Hoping daycare helps with that also.

How old will she be when we pass away? When she is 30 we will be close to 75. Our doctor said we`re in good health expect to live to 90. Of course children can loose their parents at any age, but is it fair to be a parent when there definately will be less years together?
Our daughter who is now 20 adores our little girl and I`m hoping that they will have a close relationship to help her get through some of these hard things.

[bromanchik]

I think as far as "relating to older parents" as an issue.... it is really a non-issue. I have seen young parents with no interest or curiousity of what their children are doing, and older parents who really are interested. Notice I said interested, not actively participating. For example, I can appreciate Pink as a strong role model. A woman who does not take any cr*^. Who respects herself. I may disagree with how she goes about it, and God forbid, I would not dress like her (nor would I let my teen-age daughter out of the house wearing a few stips of fabric) but I am interested in her message. I think there are more problems when people just write their kids thoughts or interests off and chalking it up to the "generation gap". Ant there does not have to be 40 years difference for that to happen.

[Southernmama]

I like the comments about the older parents. My parents are both dead but they were 39 and 42 when I was born. They were wonderful parents. I am in my late 40's and my husband is 50 and we are considering adopting 3 more kids (special needs) in addition to our 2 boys from Russia who are 3 and 7. I think you can be a good parent at any age if you are willing to try. God Bless!

[Deborah1]

I'm new to the board and have found this thread encouraging. I am 39 and my husband is 51, we are considering adoption but one of our concerns was how our age might effect our children.

[Sylvester]

I look at this differently. I was in my early 20's when we adopted our first child. Mid-twenties when we had our second. Being a young mom is WONDERFUL!!! I noticed alot of you were talking about International adoption. We went thedomestic route and had very young birthmom's. They loved the fact that we were young and could relate to them more than someone their mom's age. My mom is now 48 and actively is involved in my kid's lives. Some of the people in our training classes were as old as my mom and this was going to be their first child. I am a strong believer in you can have it all. I have wonderful healthy children, a strong marriage, and a good education. I lack compassion for some of these couples who wait to get married, start their career, travel, etc and then find out it is too late to have a biological family. Money and careers don't matter to a child. I know that is not the case for all couples, but we have met several who "just waited too long"

[glk]

I think at some point people should consider themselves too old to adopt a baby, but I think older people should be allowed to adopt older children. I am 45, DH is 47 and we are adopting our FS who is 19 months old. I am definitely too old to have another baby in a year or too! I don't worry so much about how he is going to feel about us in 15 years, I worry about being able to take him down the slide at the playground this summer! We hope to adopt again but if we do the children will definitely be school age.

I'm not worried about being older than all his classmate's parents, because I know several people in this area who have adopted infants or given birth recently who are over 40 too.

[Deborah1]

Originally posted by Sylvester
I lack compassion for some of these couples who wait to get married, start their career, travel, etc and then find out it is too late to have a biological family. Money and careers don't matter to a child. I know that is not the case for all couples, but we have met several who "just waited too long"

It was interesting to read your viewpoint, and lovely to read how wonderful parenthood has been for you.

You mention your lack of compassion for people who have in your view "just waited too long". I feel my compassion for others as one of my best qualities and I don't limit it to only those whose life has taken the same path as mine.

I belive the fact that I am able to have compassion for others will help me to be a good mother.

[Mary Ann Bednar]

How old is to old? I think it depends on the health and outlook of the Aparents. My parents were older when they had children. They started in their late 30's and had 6 biological children.
I adopted my oldest daughter when I was 40, my youngest daughter when I was 45 and both were newborns. I've just added a set of twins to the mix--4y/o boys. Yes I'm to old for an infant, but I can still chase all four of mine. And I don't worry about being to old. By the way I'm now 52.

[dluna42]

I'm 52 and adopting a newborn. I had my sixth biological child at age 44 1/2. I had two pregnancies since then which ended in miscarriages, at age 46 1/2 (due to getting pneumonia while taking care of a sick child in a hospital) and at 49. I have no sign of menopause, I just don't get pregnant. My mother went through menopause at age 57. People are individuals. I love kids and take good care of my health. I still have a strong desire to have more children. I always wanted to have lots of kids, and I always wanted to adopt when I got too old to have them biologically. I didn't know there would be a stigma against those of us who have the wisdom of age and the experience to know how to raise kids.

I was partly raised by my grandmother who was 51 when I was born. She was more of a mother to me than my mother. She died when I was 12 and she was 63, which was very young for our family. Everyone else live to their mid 80s. I miss her every day and feel she is looking down on me from heaven and praying for me. I wouldn't trade the years I had with her for anything. She taught me to do almost everything I really enjoy and I still remember her teaching me to make meatballs, crochet, etc. I loved to read, and she was the only one in my family who ever bought me books. I have them all to this day and have read them all to my children. I read a statistic somewhere that one out of nine grandparents today is raising their grandchildren at least part time. Many of my older women friends in their sixties and seventies are their grandchildren's babysitters. Most of them do this so the kids won't be with strangers in daycare, not because they love it.