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  #16  
Old 06-10-2003, 05:41 PM
emiliesfirstmom emiliesfirstmom is offline
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I definitely believe there should be age limits on adoption, particularly for newborns. Yes, there is an age at which humans become to old to be parenting newborns. I think that age tends to vary from person to person and depends a lot on the physical and mental health of the individual. I would not hesitate though to support prohibitions on infant adoptions for those over 50. I think its too old. If you adopt a newborn at 50, you'd be almost 80 when he/she graduates high school, assuming you live that long!

I am a firstmother. I placed my daughter in a very open adoption last summer. I steadfastly refused to consider anyone over the age of 35 to adopt my baby. I am the youngest of five children, the last little "surprise" to parents who thought they were through with the baby stage. I wanted parents for my child who were young and energetic! I wanted them to have the time and energy to play with her and do things with her, without overwhelming her because they were retired and had nothing else to do. I know an older woman who became a mom for the first time in her late 40's. She and her husband were so set in their ways that they've had a terrible time adjusting to parenthood, even though it was something they worked really hard to achieve. I didn't want that for my daughter.

Of course, this is all just my opinion, and everyone is free to have one, but as a firstmother, I would NEVER have placed my child with a couple in their 40s or 50s.
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  #17  
Old 06-10-2003, 05:45 PM
emiliesfirstmom emiliesfirstmom is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by dluna42
I'm 52 and adopting a newborn. I had my sixth biological child at age 44 1/2. I had two pregnancies since then which ended in miscarriages, at age 46 1/2 (due to getting pneumonia while taking care of a sick child in a hospital) and at 49. I have no sign of menopause, I just don't get pregnant. My mother went through menopause at age 57. People are individuals. I love kids and take good care of my health. I still have a strong desire to have more children. I always wanted to have lots of kids, and I always wanted to adopt when I got too old to have them biologically. I didn't know there would be a stigma against those of us who have the wisdom of age and the experience to know how to raise kids.



Dluna, I am curious as to why someone would want to adopt after having six biological children. I am not passing judgement... I'm curious. I am a firstmother and in my own family, I am the youngest of five... my mom was looney with five kids. I've known plenty of adoptive parents and biological parents, but I've never met anyone before who chose to adopt after having so many kids of their own.
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  #18  
Old 06-10-2003, 06:19 PM
Zaxmom Zaxmom is offline
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I worried about being too old and too fat and too tired and too this and too that. My husband is 47 and I'm 46. We are waiting on our daughter from China who will be under age three. Our son from Korea is almost eleven. We didn't wait to have a family because of careers. We waited because of infertility and fear of the adoption process.

When we adopted our son, we'd already been married 15 years. Now we've celebrated our 25th anniversary.
What do we have to offer a little girl from China? A big brother, a huge extended family with teenage cousins who will love and adore her, a stable family life, financial security, patience that is learned from being a little older and wiser, and a loving church family. That might not be the same as playing chase in the park, skipping rope with her, dressing Barbie dolls, or being the youngest, prettiest homeroom mom, but right now it's a lot more than many little girls (and big girls and big boys) in this world have. I don't think that anyone should judge someone who wants to love a child. It's a personal decision we make. No one can guarantee that they'll live to see their children grown. One of my best friends died of a strange viral infection when she was only 29 years old. Her daughter was 5 months old. Another friend was born when her dad was 45. He's still living and now my friend is 48! We have no guarantees on anything in life, except that love will last beyond the boundaries of this world.
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  #19  
Old 06-10-2003, 06:51 PM
dluna42 dluna42 is offline
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Dear Emiiliesfirstmom,

The simplest answer to your question is that my favorite thing to do is care for and raise children. Like you, I am one of five, but I am the eldest. My mother was also looney with five kids. She doesn't like kids much, thinks they are tremendous burdens, etc. She is not a very nurturing person and is pretty selfish. I did a lot of parenting of my younger siblings by choice, especially my youngest sister and brother who have always been more like my children than hers. They have both lived with me for short periods of time. I loved taking care of them. It was good practice. Taking care of children makes me feel good. When I feel stressed the thing I enjoy most is taking care of children. I breasfed all of my children and have homeschooled all of them from the beginning. I have enjoyed almost every minute of their lives. To me every child is a precious unique jewel that is immensely fascinating. I love watching each one develop and helping them to become what God has meant them to be. I am a devout Catholic and truly believe that each child is a gift from God. Today is my youngest child's eighth birthday. The last six years I have been sad that I don't have a baby, but now I am feeling good, because the baby boy we are adopting will hopefully be home soon. He is 2 1/2 months old.

I know that most people my age are not interested in raising children, but I am not the only one like me. I have a number of friends who feel like I do. My two eldest children (daughters) are 20 and 25. They have serious boyfriends and are talking about marriage. I can't wait to have them as sons. I love being around people in general, not just children. I guess I'm just a people person.

I don't feel any different about having children than I ever did. Ever since I was a little girl what I always wanted to do more than anything was marry and have lots of children. I also have wanted to adopt ever since I was 6 years old and saw refugee children on the TV news. One of the most important attributes I looked for in a husband was he had to love kids. My dh is magical with children. He is a storyteller, and kids just won't leave him alone. Babies usually won't go to strangers, especially to men, but they all go to my husband. I don't consider 6 to be a lot of kids. My dad was one of nine. His mother was one of 11. My maternal grandfather was one of 14. Of my generation in the family our family of 5 kids was one of the smaller ones. My dad wanted 10 children, but my mother did not, so they compromised with 5. Even though I think it unlikely I still hope I might have another bio child. We are planning to adopt one more baby after our current adoption, and then if we can afford it maybe an older child or two. I would seriously consider foster care after that. I always want to be doing something involving children. That's just me. I recently read about a foster mother who began after her 4 kids were grown and she was in her sixties. She just retired at age 90.

My biggest frustration when I was a public school teacher was I could not take the kids home. I was just as interested in being their mother as being their teacher. I can't think of anything I would rather do than have more children. I never minded being up at night with babies and rather enjoyed (most of the time) the diaper changing. What more important thing can you do for another human being? I love the baby smiles, helping them learn to walk, teaching them to read, taking them to ballet class, teaching them to drive, etc. I miss having a baby on my hip. For over 20 years I did practically everything with one hand. When I sit and read to my kids now I miss the young one I always used to have in my lap.

I have several friends from my adoption group who are retired, and they say they have much more time to spend with their kids because they are no longer part of the rat race. One of the social workers we worked with said that she prefers working with older parents because they are more stable, are not obsessed with climbing the corporate ladder, saving for a house, etc. They've done all that. They also tend to know better that people are more important than things, that kids grow up faster than you think, to savor the growing up years. Too soon they will be grown and gone.

Diana
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  #20  
Old 06-10-2003, 07:24 PM
emiliesfirstmom emiliesfirstmom is offline
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Diana,

That's interesting that you ended up being so devoted to raising kids when your mom felt it was such a burden. Generational differences perhaps -- maybe it was more expected of her but it was something you truly wanted to do? I think that was part of my mom's problem.

Anyway, thanks for answering my question. I went into adoption rather naively, and I just assumed that people who already had a large family with biological kids would not have an interest in adopting a baby.

I think it's great that you are considering becoming a foster parent! Having been through adoption as a firstmother, I don't know if I'd ever adopt a child myself, but I'm definitely interested in becoming a foster parent at some point in my life (like AFTER I finish school and have time to breathe again!).

Emma
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  #21  
Old 06-10-2003, 07:28 PM
emiliesfirstmom emiliesfirstmom is offline
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Just question to carry the age debate along: To those who think there should NOT be an age limit to adopting a child, how far are you willing to take your argument? If it's okay for a 40 or 50 year old to adopt, what about a 60 or 70 year old? If you do think it's okay for someone to adopt regardless of their age, would you place restrictions on the age of the child -- ie, if the adoptive parents are over 60, they can adopt an older child, but not an infant?

And, if you think age should NOT be a factor in adopting, should someone 18 or 21 be able to adopt a child?

I'm just curious and thought this might be a thought-provoking set of questions. (that, and I just finished my first year of law school, and after running around like a chicken with my head cut off for so long, I can't handle time off and I'm bored).
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  #22  
Old 09-17-2003, 08:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by emiliesfirstmom
I definitely believe there should be age limits on adoption, particularly for newborns. Yes, there is an age at which humans become to old to be parenting newborns. I think that age tends to vary from person to person and depends a lot on the physical and mental health of the individual. I would not hesitate though to support prohibitions on infant adoptions for those over 50. I think its too old. If you adopt a newborn at 50, you'd be almost 80 when he/she graduates high school, assuming you live that long!


Sorry, but I can't resist pointing out that 80-50=30, by which time I would hope that most children will not only have graduated high school, but also completed their undergraduate degree, and quite possibly completed their graduate studies for their PhD.

Well, except for me. I was 33 when I finally got out of grad school.
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  #23  
Old 09-17-2003, 09:08 AM
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Very interesting thread! Well, our story is rather complicated, but here's the condensed version: I placed my 1st child (a daughter) for adoption when I was a teenager. I married at 18 & had son @ 20. I'm now almost 27. My husband & I, for a multitude of reasons, have decided that rather than "birthing" another child, we'd like to adopt an older, special needs child. Now, here's where this applies to this thread. Through watching our research & process, my dad (57) & stepmom (50) are becomming very interested in an older child (or sibling group) as well. My stepmother has never had children, & my dad missed out on a lot of quality time, because of an out-of-state custody arrangement. They are looking at children in foster care, & the youngest child they are looking at is 11...but most are in the 12-14 y.o. range. When we mentioned their circumstances to our non-profit agency caseworker, she shuffled in her seat & changed the subject. So, opinions? Would they be considered too old? Or was the caseworker's reaction (or lack thereof) a personal opinion?
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  #24  
Old 09-17-2003, 09:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by emiliesfirstmom
I definitely believe there should be age limits on adoption, particularly for newborns. Yes, there is an age at which humans become to old to be parenting newborns. I think that age tends to vary from person to person and depends a lot on the physical and mental health of the individual. I would not hesitate though to support prohibitions on infant adoptions for those over 50. I think its too old. If you adopt a newborn at 50, you'd be almost 80 when he/she graduates high school, assuming you live that long!


If you adopt a newborn when you are 50 you will only be 68 (not 80) when he or she graduates High School and I know a lot of people who are over 68 and even past 80. The attitudes of some people are really bad about people who are over 50. Most places in the world consider older people wise and experienced. A lot of people here just consider them old and a burden It's sad that we don't take advantage of the older persons wisdom and experience in life. Being 50 is not a death sentence! Being 20 does not make you a capable parent. We are not guaranteed to have a long life. My BIL is 42 with 2 children and has brain cancer and likely won't live out the year. His youngest was born when he was 35. She wont have her dad around when she graduates High School
Enough rambling I think you get my drift that age is only a number. And we are not guaranteed any number of years.
Pat

Last edited by Pblair : 09-17-2003 at 09:33 AM.
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  #25  
Old 09-17-2003, 09:50 AM
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Peggy Peggy is offline
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jhenrie, I don't think your parents are to old, or would run into any problems for the age range they are looking at. Who knows why your social worker changed the subject. I doubt they will run into an age-based barrier. I am planning to adopt a second child, I will be @ 48 or 49, and am going to be looking in the 7 to 12 age range, and don't anticipate a problem.
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  #26  
Old 09-17-2003, 10:04 AM
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Talking

Thanks for the encouragement! They've been getting pretty excited at the prospect, & I've been emailing them tons of photolistings that fall within their criteria. I (1) didn't want to keep getting their hopes up if they couldn't & (2) definitely didn't want to be the one to tell them if they couldn't. Your post is very encouraging, though. I hope that they are able to pursue the wonderful world of adoption, & I hope that a child is able to benefit from all they have to give. On a more selfish note: I've never had a sister!!
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  #27  
Old 11-07-2003, 09:24 AM
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I wish Someone would start a group just for us older parents. It sounds like we could have a lot of members . Say 40 and up? I bet we could share many things with each other. Anybody??? By the way I just turned 50 and recently adopted my two foster babies. Yes I have bio children in thier 20's. I have enough energy to chase these toddlers and I am proud to say I am a stay at home Mom and do many activities with my toddlers. They are well taken care of and have gaurdians if something should happen to me or my husband. They have a nice size bank account in their name because we have our house paid off and we can afford to do this. I would love to see a group for us older mature parents that can share our ups and downs......
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  #28  
Old 11-07-2003, 11:16 AM
HappyMomAnna HappyMomAnna is offline
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I had two birth children before I was 22 and have now abopted a five and one year old at 40!!!! I am a much better parent this time and the only big differenc is that if I fall on my rear roller skating it takes longer to feel better.
My birthchildren's father was adopted when his parents were 40-ish when he was adopted--he resented it a lot and his adoptive father passed away when he was only 23. My ex was always sad his father never threw a ball or was always tired.....but as our children grew he never thre a ball and was always too tired and he wasn't even 30-yet so........I think it is about our attitudes.

I want to be around as long as I can be and see all four of my children get married and have grandchildren..........I need to take care of myself and keep my attitude young and remember to play ball with my son.

David Letterman is 56 and Mick Jagger is 60 and they are both new fathers...... Joan London just gave birth to IVF twins and she is 50 something...... it seems there is no real rule anymore and lets hope we are not cheating the future but.
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  #29  
Old 08-10-2004, 10:47 AM
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I lack compassion for some of these couples who wait to get married, start their career, travel, etc and then find out it is too late to have a biological family. Money and careers don't matter to a child. I know that is not the case for all couples, but we have met several who "just waited too long"


Actually, some of us "old people" looking to adopt didn't purposely wait to marry or have children...some of us just never found the right person and chose not to jump into any old thing just to have a mate.
My DH (50) & I (42) had both decided that we would never marry or have children (though both of us longed for such a life) when we finally met on the internet 3 years ago! We lived 1700 miles apart and we ended up being each other's soulmate and are extremely lucky to have found the love of our lives...and we want to share that love with a child!
This is an ONLY marriage for each of us. We're both healthy (though not enough to be able to conceive) and each of our mothers are in their 80s...Mine with over 60 years of battling MS and having given birth to 6 children (she was 39 when she had me!) and his still drives and is extremely active and I would never have qualms abour leaving our infant child with her, even over night!
Though both of our fathers are dead, mine died of drinking&smoking-related cancer (neither of us drink or smoke) and his of a massive heart attack (DH's cholesterol & heart are checked yearly and is in excellent condition!)
We have 2 2-yr-old dogs that love to roll around the floor with both of us.
Once we do have a child, I plan on teach him or her all of the irratating habits like saying "ahhh" after every slurp of milk and just plain being aggrivating!
I'm just a few years older than my mom was when she had me, and she was never as energetic as I am (what with her personality, the MS & having 5 other kids), and I know that both of us will be extremely active in our child's life!
So...to all of you nay-sayers...NO! we are not too old to have a newborn in our lives! We were/are not being selfish because we feel that we have so much to give to a child!
Kat
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  #30  
Old 08-10-2004, 11:57 AM
Mykidsmom Mykidsmom is offline
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What age is to old?

Hi,

Kat your situation and mine are simular in that my husband and I marryed later in life. We both chose to wait until the right person came along so we married at 39 and 43 years of age. No babies came along so in 2000 (5 years later) we started the paperwork to adopt. We did not chose domestic because we new that no birthmom would think we were young enough to parent. We both wanted an infant, so we choose international.
We brought home a 6 month old in 2001 and then a thirteen month old 2002. They are 10 months apart in age.
I am a stay at home mom and my husband has been able to take an early retirement so we are both able to be here to parent our children. Am I tired every night when it is time to go to bed, you bet, but it is a great kind of tired the kind from being busy and playing all day. Do I get up of the morning with an achy back from carrying someone to much the day before, yes again. Do I enjoyed being ask in the grocery store "are they your grandkids" no way, but I do enjoy the look on peoples faces when they ask what the difference in the boys ages is and I tell them 10 months and then just go on about my business.

For what ever reason GOD needed us to parent these children and I am willing to meet that challege at any age.

I agree it should be decided on a case by case bases as for as age and adoption.

Mykidsmom

Last edited by Mykidsmom : 08-10-2004 at 12:02 PM.
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