[birdy1600]

We are getting married at 42 and 45. We would love to adopt. But already I see this seems impossible. Because neither of us have children we feel our best bet parenting would be infants or small children. We are open to many special needs, but we continue to keep in mind that we would be first time parents, so we do not want to over whelm ourselves.
So I start looking things over and am advised to look at international adoption. Almost all agencies want us married for a long while, some say no divorce in past (I was divorced in my early 20's) it goes on and on.
I am completely discouraged. Any body have experience or advice?

[devildogwife]

Have you considered adopting domestically? People of all ages (DH and I were 22) and marriage lengths adopt. Depending on who you use (agency, facilitator, attorney, independent) really determines the requirements.

[sugarmuffin]

I say its too soon to give up. Keep trying and I am a single first time parent(in my early forties) and so far so great. I felt the odds were against me to being single and all that but it all worked out great. Just look for the right agency to advocate for you and most importantly pray hard.

[Bunnygirl]

Keep trying! Some countries have relatively short marriage requirements (as little as a year, I believe) and some are less strict when it comes to children with special needs. Also, new countries are always opening up & regulations are always changing. Have you checked out Creating A Family: : Home~ ? They have a good country chart that gives guidelines, although you should also check with the state dept. for the most current info.

[Asha0314]

Hi,
I adopted a newborn in my forties domestically, as a single parent, so don't give up going the domestic route so soon, unless you prefer international..

[sallypz]

Hi. Don't give up hope. I started the adoption process in my late 40's. And as a single (widowed) mom. I choose a foreign adoption because I knew someone who had adopted recently and had good luck with it. It took me about a year to gather all the required paperwork. I had to make two trips to the adoptive country. Met some more Americans while over there. We were each getting children from different orphanages so I got to see a couple different orphanages. There are hundreds, thousands of older children in orphanages in countries around the world. They picked out the child for me & tried to pick someone that resembled my own features from a photo I'd sent. My daughter was 6 years old when I adopted her (she's now 10). I felt that at my age and because I was doing this as a single mom an older child (not a baby) was a good choice for me. It was sad to see all the children in the orphanages. My heart breaks for them. At one point I was sitting alone in the hallway at the orphanage, two little girls came up to me and said in broken English, "You American? Take me home with you." It hurt, made me cry not to be able to take them too. I have a grown up daughter also, natural born, she is now married and I recently (last week) became a Grandma too. So now my adoptive daughter has a little nephew to play with too. The adoption process was a huge success. Of course there have been problems, All children that live in orphanages have developmental problems simply because of the instutional environment. She also did not speak any English, and I not a word of her native language. As a small child her understanding of the whole thing was limited also, as were (are) her emotional reactions. Some regression after adoption is normal. Because she had never been in school before and did not speak English she had to do kindergarden twice. She is now 10 in second grade. She is now fluent in English, but there is some resistance to learning school subjects. She struggles. I attribute that to the lack of a rich, encouraging baby and toddler environment because of her early life in an institution. I try to work with her and help as much as I can with her school work. She, like all orphanage children, had some nutritional issues. At age 6 she was only wearing a size 3. Although she has grown rapidly on an American diet I think she may always be small in stature because of the early nutritional deprivation. Her health history is mostly unknown. But she seems to be in general good health. She did (does) have some abandonment issues that I've noticed. I noticed this one day comming out of the shower, she was sitting on the floor outside the door. I asked her, "Why are you sitting there? Were you afraid Mommy was going away?" She said that yes she was afraid I was gone. She almost always sits outside the bathroom door when I shower, however, this is becoming a less often thing. i didn't make a bid deal of it, just reassured her, and it seems the behavior is diminishing on it's own.
We are doing pretty good. Of course I wish the economy was better and that I could afford more things for her.
It would take a long post to tell my whole story. Perhaps at a future date I will tell more. I hope I've told enough to help you feel better and more hopeful about adopting as an older adult. (I'm now 55, still a single mom, and handling things OK). I think the cut off age for starting an adoption process in many countries is 50. But even if the WEB site says that, and you are a bit older, or on the edge of the age limit, call them anyway. The age limit may not be as fixed as you might think.

[Tigger2]

Just wanted to add my 2 cents- I was 46 when we started the process and 47 when DS was placed in my arms. Don't give up! I agree with DDW advice to check into domestic adoption. Good Luck!

[journeytolily]

Don't give up! While your options are more limited than if you were younger/married longer/had no divorces, there are still opportunities out there!

Probably domestic is the way to go, but there may be a couple of countries that will work too. If you are open to a transracial adoption, some agencies only require a year of marriage, and divorce is okay. Also many will let you adopt an infant into your mid-forties.

Good luck!

[sak9645]

International is a wonderful option for over-40 parents.

Homestudy agencies are generally comfortable with people in their 40s, though some may approve people who are 45+ for young toddlers, rather than infants.

Many, though not all, foreign countries will place with people up to 50, even for infants and young toddlers.

In general, homestudy agencies want at least one year of marriage, whether you are adopting domestically or internationally, though some may waive it if you have cohabited for a year or more before marriage.

Some countries do want more than one year of marriage, but not all countries have this requirement. Placement agencies will generally follow the country requirements.

Most homestudy agencies have no problems with one divorce per spouse, and some will accept people with more. Most countries will accept people with no more than one divorce per spouse, though a few want to see a longer time in the current marriage, if the spouses have had previous divorces.

In short, you should have no problem adopting internationally.

Sharon

[2xaround]

DH was 44 and I was 45 when we started the paperwork to adopt our dd. We're not 46 and 47 and in the process of adopting another infant. Both our adoptions are international, but we also looked into adopting an AA or biracial infant domestically. Our ages would not have been a factor at all.

As far as the amount of time you've been married, while there are certainly country requirements when adopting internationally, there are also agency requirements. Even if one agency says you can't adopt because you haven't been married long enough, it doesn't mean that is going to be the case with another agency.

Adoption takes a lot of research, but don't give up hope. There are a lot of infants with older parents and parents who haven't been married long. It can happen for you too.

[TAP]

We are adopting (matched this month) domestically and I am 40 and DH is 50. We chose to do domestic because of his age .. there are many domestic agencies that will take any age .. b/c it is all about he Bmom choosing you, so the agency doesn't set the restriction.

TAP

[ncblueeyes]

I agree - we went domestic and shopped the agencies. Age was my biggest concern but it wasnt the agencies.. They made me feel better rifht away about that. Find one that fits you and run with it!