[PRAISEMom]

DH and I are 44, just adopted a baby girl, and have 3 bio boys (14, 12, 10). People SORT OF understood us adopting a girl to balance things out, but when we say we've always thought of adopting a sibling group, of continuing to add to our family, people think we are nuts.

"Why would you want to do this?"
"Is that really fair to your children?"
"Aren't you getting a little old for this?"
"Wow, you were almost done! Why would you start over?"
etc.

My mother is among the worst.

Someone even suggested that bmom's MOTHER (who is a good 15 years older than me) and I might be sisters (I didn't ask which one they thought was the older sister).

yeah.
Anyway, I am so relieved to hear from other amoms (and adads) who enjoy parenting so much that we'll do it even when the rest of the world thinks we're nuts to start (or start again!).

By the way, my three bio boys LOVE having a new sibling, and they are urging us to adopt more. How cool is that?

PRAISEMom

[dragonfly1234]

Isn't it fun to see how kids love having a new brother or sister?!

Why is it that moms are the most critical? I guess I just wanted her to support even if she doesn't neccessarily understand why.

[Linny]

It IS cool, Praise.........and tell ya what:
If you're feeling particularly old on any day, consider that WE have two grown kids (adopted as babies), and now have a four and five yr old, and seven month old baby at home NOW! And oh..........dh and I are now FIFTY!

(Meaning: You can feel REALLY young at 44, okay??? )

There, did that make you feel better?!?!?!

Sincerely,

Linny

[PRAISEMom]

Thanks for the encouragement to keep on with our plans to keep adding kids, and for letting me know we are not alone!

Personally, I find that our society gives great lip service to valuing children, but it looks down upon people who make a lifetime habit of raising them. Anyone else have any thoughts about this? Just curious.

Thanks again!

Ramona (feeling younger by the minute)

[ChristieS]

Count me in! I have had to toughin' up from the inside out - because if I listen to the nay-sayers then it just wouldn't happen.

With my MIL I have a standard response: "Thank you for your advice/isight/ideas/information, etc." Then I just do what I think is best. But at least we don't fight about it anymore.

With my mom it is a different version: You have some good ideas - thanks. And then I let it go at that. I don't say which ones were helpful or not - just a general statement.

My friends are my main support. I find myself keeping friends which are supportive and letting go of those who are negative. (Family can not be so chosen and discarded - so they are just dealt with by a smile and a thank you.)

Mainly, though, I keep a positive attitude and remind myself of my strengths as an "older Mom" and just let the other comments slide off... It is the only way I can keep myself from letting those negative comments affect me.

Hope this helps....

ChristieS

[Linny]

Personally, I find that our society gives great lip service to valuing children, but it looks down upon people who make a lifetime habit of raising them. Anyone else have any thoughts about this? Just curious. ---Praise (Ramona)

Yep, I completely agree with you, Ramona! I find that our society expects people to have children at a certain age, 'sacrifice' by giving the child/ren EVERYTHING imaginable---EXCEPT ourselves, whenever we put our kids into daycare and it's NOT necessary----and then, once our first children are grown, we're supposed to INDULGE ourselves into everything FOR US, right?!!!

GIVE ME A BREAK! I realize there are those who must do daycare (have been there myself before).....but I'm weary of the folks who have children and talk about 'how tired they are of raising kids'...and, 'You could take MY kids and raise them if you want children so badly!!!' Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........

Let's face reality: People are gifted and feel 'complete' in many ways. Some of us feel complete and are gifted in raising children (or at least we think we are? ). Why society doesn't believe us when we talk about feeling complete and able to raise children is beyond me! Why others think we need to be 'thinking of yourselves, now'....is something I find disturbing, at best!

So yeah, it's a soapbox issue with me. Whether folks feel they want more kids or not, I find it strange there are a lot of people who think we're nuts, but it's okay to spend thousands of dollars on cars, bikes, trips and household furnishings? Go figure......

Sincerely,

Linny

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by PRAISEMom

I find that our society gives great lip service to valuing children, but it looks down upon people who make a lifetime habit of raising them. Anyone else have any thoughts about this? Just curious.

I missed this thread earlier. There's some interesting discussion here.

Anyway, I don't think society looks down upon people making a lifetime habit of raising kids any more than anything else. Some people will find a way to complain about just about anything, and generally come to the conclusion that anything they didn't think was best must be just plain nuts.

Personally, I just don't much care what people think. I do what I want to do with my life. If someone doesn't like it, I don't care. If someone wants to make comments or suggestions, I listen politely, thank them for their views, and go on about my business.

[dragonfly1234]

Joe you make it sound so simple!! I know that I take things literally sometimes and need to lighten up and go with the flow....lol

Thanks for putting some perspective on things!

[jackiesbooks]

PRAISEmom -

I am the same age as my son's birth grandmother, so I just laughed. My son's birth mom is younger than my oldest son!

[joskids]

Jackie, I have the same situation. I'm the same age as our youngest's bio-grandma. Some days I wish I were younger, but then I wouldn't have the knowledge and power that I have now in my life. And I agree with Ramona that society does not ENOUGH value being a parent (an INVOLVED PARENT). And, Linny, could you and I share a soul? Geesh, every time I read one of your posts, I am amazed that your thoughts and feelings could have come exactly from my own mouth. You go girl!! I just adore you!

[enerad]

I feel I endure the comments, but this week a woman just floored me. She was an adoptive mom as well and her statement at the end of our conversation I thought was just plain rude!!! As usual, the perverbal question, she asked me, "Where are your little girls from?" We look as if we adopted internationally, but adopted domestically. I simply replied... Texas. She then replied... Oh, I didn't do that politically correct, what is your girls ethnicity. I told her, we chatted a bit. Then.. she said, you know you could say, "What would you like to know where they are born, or what is their ethnicity." When people ask. I simply replied, I answered the question asked, and I don't want my kids thinking they are from another country since they were born in the USA. She paused a bit, and we both went on our merry way.

Do you feel we have to answer questions the way people want them answered? I knew what this lady wanted, it's what everyone wants. I feel my daughters are going to feel like they don't belong when everyone asks this question?

Thoughts?

[dragonfly1234]

That is a tough question to answer. I to have had the same comment. People think that our son was adopted from another country as well. There is no easy comment other than to be honest.

I realize it is difficult to have that perfect answer. I am known for thinking of that perfect answer once I have walked away and had time to think and go....oh I should have said this and its perfect! Why didn't I think of that answer then!....lol

Enjoy your daughters! Our children grow up way to fast!!!

[enerad]

I was with MIL this weekend as well. I have such a difficult time understanding why she doesn't support me in being a parent. She spend soooo much time discussing cleaning. She had the audacity this weekend to say to me... isn't it easier to clean a big house than a little one. Like it's harder for her than it's for me. I am 44 with 2 1/2 year old twins! I also love her comparison, when she raised my husband. He was like a having a twin... 22 month younger than her oldest.

This weekend they gave our kids ping pong paddles and tennis balls in there house. THE HOUSE OF GLASS AND CERAMICS! A couple of months ago when my husband back up into a shelf on the wall and broke one of her trinkets... she exclamined..."OH, that was your sisters, and it's over 50 years old." I guess I have to throw it away. HE felt awful!

MY dh is having a hard time understanding why I don't like visiting his parents. I can't relax for fear of the girls breaking something and or getting into something and getting hurt. He just sits back and talks with his dad while I endure his mother's comments, and chase after kids all day. I feel lazy when it's time to do dishes, but I don't help because I don't know who will be watching the kids. DH and his dad disappear... old traditional family. Women do the housework!

Just venting!

[joskids]

Oh, honey, I hear you!!! When we go to my mother's with 4 children under 10, she takes them down to the t.v. room and pulls out toys, color books, puzzles and plays with them. When we go to DH's mom's, I get "talked to" about this one or that one when my DH is in the other room. Last time it was about our 7 year old with ADHD, how we should "check with the doctor about his medication." I say "I was just at the doctor's office two weeks ago, we re-evaluated his meds together and this is the best we feel we can do for him right now without overmedicating. So what do you think we should do??" It's gotten so I just deal with it because she is old and won't be around forever. My mother is older, but has raised 5 children where his mother raised two children, 12 years apart in age. hmmmm, think there's a difference????????? Try to pray for your MIL. That's about all you can do aside from narrowing down those visits. Geesh, you give someone these beautiful grandchildren and you don't get a thank you, you get criticism!!!!!!!!!! At times I think it's a jealousy issues, she's JEALOUS that I'm such a great mother (at least that's what I try to tell myself).

[dragonfly1234]

First I want to say you all are great moms!!!!! Never doubt that because of what someone else says....okay?!!!

Oh my goodness my parents home is the same....we fear that something valuable will be broken. And one of their first pieces they started to collect was broken by our youngest. Very bad time at their house. They now put away all of their breakable art and I still worry and watch our boys every single moment we are there.

My parents raised 2 girls and my sister has 2 girls. So I am the first with boys and they don't understand how boys are. I had trouble myself with the initial change of boys versus girls (I realize others will disagree and that is okay) like what....but boys are boys (no they should not break things or run in the house or be disrespectul....but accidents do happen). Now I am not saying what my son did was right....just a tragic mistake that happened that I will always regret.

This makes for a tense visit everytime we go. Mom now says should she hide things before we come. So far I have said yes. I know that this will fade and we can become normal and respectful....but ask a small child that is 2, and 3 they are still trying to understand the rules.

Good luck you all. This to shall pass!