[T&T]

Hi everyone. It's been a good long time since I have posted anything on this forum. These days I'm usually poking around on the Guatemalan forum, but I sure could use to hear from the people on this forum today.

Here's the deal. I'm 42 and today is one of those days that I am soooooo struggling with coming to terms with the fact that we are STILL trying to bring children into our lives at this late stage in the game. (See my signature and you will understand what I mean) Like I told DH last night, I do truly want to have another child, that is something that I have wanted for years, but I don't want to be doing it when I'm 42!

DH and I are High School sweethearts, so it's not like this is a new relationship, we've been together for 25 years for goodness sake. Mother nature just screwed with my body and by the time we figured out that I had some major problems I was already in my early 30's. It's not like I purposely waited this long to have children, this is just the journey that I have been assigned and I must stay that I HATE IT!!

So tell me fellow 40+ adoptive-want-a-be's, how did you make peace with the fact that you are as old as you are and still doing this? What do I do with that little voice that keeps screaming, "You are how old and you're doing what???? You've plum lost your mind in your old age!!!!"

HELP!!

Tracey

[misuspotts]

I'm not sure why you think 42 is too old! I'm 45 and my youngest is 3. (The oldest is 19.) There are plenty of "older" parents with young children. Some are just getting started at your age...I think your health and energy level are far more important than your age.

[T&T]

Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking older parents. I know that there are a lot of older parents out there who love having little kids later in life. I just never imagined that I would be one of them! As for my health, it's okay. My energy level, well it's not where I would like it to be if I am to have another little one again.

Tracey

[MamaS]

I am 54 and my "baby" is 4. I am also a single parent!
Take care of yourselves and take care of each other and you will be fine parents for a child -- however he/she arrives!

[kelceesmom]

I am 41 with an almost 2 year old. It was harder than I thought but I can't imagine it being different. I'm glad God thought it better that I be made to wait a little longer. I look back and for one reason or another if I had a baby sooner I wouldn't have been as good a parent.

[HBV]

I'm w/ Denice---it's harder than I thought, but I'm not sure that wouldn't have been the case regardless of my age.

The way I look at it is this: I can't do anything about the fact that I didn't get married until later in life, or that we couldn't conceive. That's the hand we were dealt. But why should we let that prevent us from taking care of a little boy that needs us?

Do we have as much energy as when we were 25? No, but we have a lot more patience, experience, wisdom and money than we did then. And you can always hire young, energetic babysitters! Every parent brings some unique gift to their children---just as every child brings some unique gift to his/her parents.

[Linny]

I know that back in the early 80's and we'd adopted our first baby (from Korea), I told the agency we wanted to be done adopting by the time we were 25yrs old. By 25, we'd adopted our second baby and because of cost and staying in the military, thought we were probably done.

IF ONLY I'D KNOWN! LOL! True, during our 30's we went through some really rough stuff adopting older kids from the system; and, in our early 40's we encountered the same. BUT...........somewhere around 44.......we thought about adopting privately again. We did.

You're NOT old. Good night..........there is SO much more to parenting the older we get...really. True, it's easier to lift a big baby at 25, than it is at ALMOST 50----as we both are; but the patience and 'let it slide off your back-ness' is soooo much more present!

We just brought home----probably our last----baby at less than a week old. We've gone on, before this one, to adopt two other babies at 45 and 47. We now have three at home....two pre-schoolers and our new baby.

Age is a matter of thought.......aches and pains can be experienced by young people as well. Young parents can die, just like older ones. Only God knows how many days we each have, you know?
I feel extremely blessed to have our three at home now. Our oldest are now 26 and 25.....in fact, our oldest son just got married last year. Sure, I get some aches and pains at times.....but that's more reason to take better care of myself. And, I daresay, we've had a ton of people exclaim to us, "You CAN'T be almost 50!!! You both look SO young!"
Of course we do; and so do a lot of other older parents. This is because we're out DOING something productive and fulfilling our dreams with the future (having children to raise). I can't imagine being this age and thinking of buying a motor home, a Harley or planning a trip somewhere. This is FAR more exciting!

My best to you in your adoption quest. It will be worth it, and your age won't matter. (((Hug)))

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[LucindaM]

Tracey you are only as old as you want to be. My husband and I are both 51 and are waiting on our referral for our new baby daughter from Vietnam. We have 4 grown children and 1 grandchild. I'm sure all of us here have gotten the "are you nuts" questions and my answer is of course. I don't have the energy I had when my children were young, that's OK. My joints may ache, that's OK too. What is really important is the desire to parent and the love we have to give.

Lucinda

[linda512]

There are times I am sad that I didn't have a child sooner. In my case, I know I wasn't ready and that I am a better mother now than I would have been earlier. And obviously, I wouldn't have my son if I had done it sooner. While he is amazing, and I can't imagine life without him, that argument doesn't make all that much sense to me because if I didn't have him, I would have another child and wouldn't know what I was missing! It's a little bit of backwards logic to me.
Having said that, I do think about the fact that I will be older when he goes to college, will I be around when he had kids, etc, etc. But most of the tim e I am so busy with him I don't think about it.
I do think you have to grieve what you lost, but when the child arrives, it will be all good.
Good luck!

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by T&T

You are how old and you're doing what?

A couple of months back I was at my family Christmas party. We're a big clan, and there were a ton of us there. I'm the ninth of ten kids. I'm 45 & my wife is "about the same age." We started late, so our four boys are among the youngest of their generation. Quite a few of my neices (none of the nephews) now have kids of their own, some are even older than some of my kids. And here we are, thinking about adopting a few more.

At one point I looked around the room, first at my siblings, who were sitting around talking to their mostly grown, adult children, and then at my neices, and thought to myself: I must be nuts. Parents are supposed to look like these young girls and their husbands, not like my wife and I. We look more like we should be young grandparents, not new parents.

And then I thought to myself, what a load of bull that is. We're mature adults, much more so than some of these kids. We've learned to settle petty squabbles without harsh language and shouting matches (well, nearly always anyway ). We're established in our jobs, and although we're not rich or great financial wizards, we're never wondering where the next meal is coming from. Our marriage is rock solid, we're past the days when we want to be out carousing about town, and we don't create any unnecessary drama in our lives. We may not have the energy we had 20 years ago, but we're an awful lot smarter, and I think we're better parents - on average - than these kids. I know we're better parents than we were thirteen years ago when our first was born.

So go adopt some kids. Have one or a whole boat full of them. Ignore the critics, even if they're you. If people ask me why I'd still want to be looking after a bunch of kids when I'm 60, or even 70, I'll ask them what they're planning on doing when they're 70. Sitting around the rest home complaining about whatever went wrong with your body this week? Playing bingo in a church basement? Maybe a little shuffleboard, if you're feeling "spry?" Sorry, but that's not for me. I plan to live until the day I drop dead, and for me living means having a bunch of kids running around. They keep me young. They give me an important purpose in life.

I once had a little plaque that said: "God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind, I may never die." Tell that to the critics.

[joskids]

I'm with Joe. The LAST THING I want to be doing at this point in my life is playing Bingo on Wednesday nights and knitting. I'd rather be playing Ring Around the Rosy and, although it's easier falling down than getting up, I know I'm an outstanding mother with more knowledge, commitment and patience than most younger mothers I see. I have SUCH A FULL LIFE (in my 50's) with a wonderful younger husband (handsome too), 4 grown kids (youngest in college), 6 grandkids, and 4 adopted kids at home. They keep me young and talk about happy!!! I didn't care when I stepped out my race to marry, to adopt and now to step out of my age group and raise young kids. You're not old, honey. Like Joe said "go out and adopt some kids" -- and have a full and blessed life. Save Bingo for someone else!!!!

[Linny]

Joe? THAT was SOOO WELL PUT! I think you'll have a cheering crowd on that one before this thread is over!
Thanks for putting it out there so well---and truthfully, I might add!

Sincerely,

Linny

[mrsred]

A friend once told me "Age is a matter of mind: If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." And that is how I live. According to my birth certificate and driver's license I am over 50.... but I sure don't feel it, and most people think I may be in my late 30's. Sure, part of it is probably that I look young... but I think more than anything else it is my whole attitude and energy.
So, if anyone thinks I am nuts because I adopted a 6 year old right before I turned 50, and then a 10 year old the next year, and would love to adopt another 6 - 8 year old, well, I guess that is their problem. I will make sure I pray for them.

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by joskids

I'd rather be playing Ring Around the Rosy and, although it's easier falling down than getting up,...

Josie - you are too funny! I can always count on you for a good laugh.

Originally Posted by joskids

I didn't care when I stepped out my race to marry, to adopt and now to step out of my age group and raise young kids. You're not old, honey. Like Joe said "go out and adopt some kids" -- and have a full and blessed life. Save Bingo for someone else!!!!

All I can say is that Josie holds more wisdom in a few words than most of us can conjure up in a lifetime.

Joe - great post. I have a response I posted to a similar question that I will look back up and post here.

We may fall down easier than we get up - but us "old folks" are more likely to get up and laugh about it!

ChristieS

[ChristieS]

I am 41 and DH is 53. We have a 4-year-old whom we adopted at birth.

Yes, I asked myself the same questions. One thing I figured - which has turned out to be true - is that at the park, and church, and school, etc. I would meet and make friends with other Moms who have kids of similar ages - and they would be young enough to be my own child. Be prepared for that - but I have also been deeply enriched by these young moms who are now my friends.

Our only regret is we don't have more!!!!! (We have actually been financially and emotionally spent due to a complicated contested adoption [see Failed and Contested Adoptions for more info]). But we would definitely have adopted at least one more by now otherwise. Still would if we thought we could dare try again - but the toll has been too much.

Anyway - back to the point: DO IT!

I love what specialk4b said: "I think all kids resent their parents at some time for some reason. Some days it may be because I'm an old fogey, some days because I won't get them a pony, so who knows."
and then intladoptionblog: "As for kids resenting you because of your age...well, at least they'll have that for an excuse. Darned convenient, too!"

HA HA - that is great!

What I definitely know is that at this age I am a FAR better parent than I would have been 20 years ago. I have more patience, strength, determination, selflessness, and even love than 20 years ago. I also have my education, my party days are finished (Thank Goodness!), my great job because of my education, a house, financial and emotional stability, and yes - even stamina to keep up with my boy! I am so glad I waited until I was older to parent. We did do the whole infertility route for several years and that was more difficult physically than caring for an infant, toddler, now child.

I do not consider myself "old". I do consider myself mature, stable, and exceptionally giving. My priorities are in order and my "life" is in order. Again - something which was definitely not the case 20 years ago. I can also see younger mothers and they struggle in ways I do not. I also make it a point to keep physically active and, for example, on Sunday I took my child on a wildlife "adventure" in the woods. I even climbed a tree!

PM me anytime - I am one who is definitely "in there"!

And to all amoms over 40 - congratulations!!!!!

ChristieS