[T&T]

I just wanted to thank those of you who responded to this thread. I really appreciate you all cheering me on.

HBV - LOL at your "And you can always hire young energetic babysitters". I'll keep that in mind

Linny - Ah Linny, you've spurred me on in the past, and it's nice to hear from you again. Especially given that you just brought home child # ? You go girl!

Joe - I loved the saying from your plaque, I might just have to make my own. Great post!

Not that I want to seem ungrateful (because I am not, I truly appreciate your support), but I'm not sure if some of you got what I was after in my original post. So let me take a crack at trying to explain myself again.

See I know that it's totally possible to become a parent if you are in the 40+ stage. For me it's not so much about the aches and pains, it's more about making peace with my mental struggles. Gosh this it hard to explain. I have had a strong desire to adopt for years, and if I felt my family was complete, I would be fine with being 42. LucindaM said "Tracey you are only as old as you want to be." See that's the problem I don't want to be 42 and adopting, I want to be younger, but that's not possible, and therein lies my mental struggle. I think it's wonderful that most of you seem content with being an older parent, I envy that. But that's not where I'm at. That's where I would like to be, but I'm not there yet. I'm more in the realm of I-know-I-can-do-this-but-not-without-a-lot-of-kicking-and-screaming (just imagine dragging your screaming toddler into a store they want no part of, that's how I feel)

I was just hoping to find a way to quiet that "rebellious mental toddler" in me so that I can find the contentment that many of you seem to have. Any suggestions for me?

Again thanks for your words of encouragement,
Tracey

[kelceesmom]

Are you just maybe scared of having another baby in the house because you are slightly set in your way? Things are running smoothly and adding an addition will change things? If that is part of it join the rest of us old fogies (sp). I was very close to 40 when our daughter was born and part of my struggle was that we had been going along this path very easily and throwing a new baby into the mix would greatly change EVERYTHING! Of course now it is what it was meant to be. I hope you find peace in whatever you are looking to do. Keep smiling.

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by T&T

See that's the problem I don't want to be 42 and adopting, I want to be younger, but that's not possible, and therein lies my mental struggle. I think it's wonderful that most of you seem content with being an older parent, I envy that. But that's not where I'm at. That's where I would like to be, but I'm not there yet.

Hi Tracey, I did struggle with this - initially. I darn sure did not want to be going through lost pregnancies, surgical menopause, and finally winding up with adoption "At MY age?" I said. "What is the problem with me?" and "I'm more than 10 years behind everyone else I know with my life - job, marrying, kids." I have felt mis-placed and behind the times. Perhaps this is how you are feeling? It is hard to know from your post - but honey I had to FIND my way "there" mentally. For me it didn't even happen until AFTER I adopted and found the love of my life crying all night long, needing his Mommy and snuggling with me.

I wish I had an easy answer for you on this one. All I can say is that for me - becoming content with who I am and how old I am and where I am in life - for me it was like a long, winding road where I could not see far ahead. I wish I had found this forum earlier. I DID get there - as have Linny, Josie, mrsred, Joe - and I donn't know about them, but for me it was difficult getting here.

BTW - now that I am here I am faced with yet another similar mental challenge (blockage) where I have got to find a way to believe that my child will be able to stay with us while at the same time we have pending motions to take him away from us. Now how does one do that????? So I do understand - in a way anyway.

Trust that it WILL come. Acceptance of who you are and the stage you are in is not always easy. One thing that helped me was realizing that while I also wished for 10-15 years back, I know I needed that time to make me -- ha ha, I want to say wise but don't dare! Let me just say I would not trade the physical youth for the lessons learned. I CERTAINLY do not want to have to re-do adolescence, nor my 20's, not even my 30's. I would lose the knowledge gained which I need to be a great Mom.

I'm rambling in an attempt to help, so I'll go now. Tracey, hang in there and know that it is okay to want to be younger and to struggle with that. It takes time sometimes to be at peace with where you are. Don't let that stop you. For now just knowing you are wondering these things is wisdom in and of itself.

Sending you a big hug,

CS

[joskids]

Tracey, just wanted to say that I struggled also. I struggle with wishing I was younger for many reasons (looks being one of them), every time I look in the mirror. And I actually felt much "guilt" over our last adoption, birthmom being so young and beautiful and me being older middle-aged and not as physically beautiful as I was when younger. But I've come to terms with all of it this way. GOD placed this child with us in His wisdom. He must believe me to be a wonderful mother to this child (and I KNOW that I am, an excellent parent). All I did (we, of course), was to open myself UP to His desires. I'm not so religious as it may seem to you reading this. But I am deeply spiritual and live by the "open your door and open it wide, someone is standing outside." I believe that we find our "God" in each other. I have found Him/Her/Karma (your own personal belief), in my family, my husband, my children, and all of those friends I have made on this board and in my life who truly understand the blessing of adoption. I hope you find peace, Tracey, in whatever way you can. Because life without these 4 young children in mine would be so very boring. No job in the world could give me the peace that I have today. Well, maybe if I could go to African and help Oprah with her school for girls, but that's not likely.

Hugs,
Josie

[T&T]

Kelcess: "Are you scared of having another baby in the house because you are slightly set in your way? Things are running smoothly and addding an addition will change that?"

In two words, Heck yeah!! See the things that you touched upon are things that cause that little voice in my head to scream "YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE, AND YOU'RE GOING TO DO WHAT? YOU'RE WILLINGLY GOING BACK TO DIAPERS, NO SLEEP, AND TODDLER MELT DOWNS? AND YOU ARE HOW OLD? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?" It's just all so odd because most of my friends are like me, they had one child in there mid-late 30's. So my peer group is that of one child parents. For one reason or another they have all accepted or come to terms with the fact that they will only have one child, and they have moved on with their life. I'm the only one that can't seem to move on. The problem is even at this late stage I want the chance to do it all again. What frustrates me to no end is that even after trying for 4 years we still haven't been able to realize our dream. We came close, but it slipped away. That hasn't helped, all it's done is emotionally wear me down and allow a lot of self-doubt to creep in.

Anyway . . .

ChristieS. . .I wanted to say thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I'm oh so sorry to hear that court proceedings are threatening the happiness and well being of your family. Here's to hoping that all goes well so you can have your happily ever after. And unlike you I would love to have a crack at my 30's again. Sigh . .

Let me pose a couple of new question to all of you. Did any of you have older parents? Did any of you have grandparents that died before you were born, or when you were little? If you answered yes to either of those quesitons, how has that affected your views on being an older parent?

See that childhood baggage has strongly affected my views on being an older parent. My parents were about 10 years older than everyone else, and I remember being painfully aware of that. LOL, at the rate I am going I could easily be 20 years older than some of child #2's parents! Even now I notice that I am older than a lot of the parents of my daughter's peers. Then there is the issue of grandparents. See my grandmother had my mother rather late, and my mom had me in her mid 30's as well. And then there's me who also had children later in life. Hence there seems to be this legacy in my family of having children later rather than earlier. My one grandfather died the year before I was born and my beloved Grammy died when I was only 9. So on that account I always felt like I got gyped.

My temperment has always been that of doing my best to make sure that those I love are not subjected to the things that have had a negative impact on me. For some people history repeats itself, but I go out of my way to break the negative cycles. With regard to having children later on, well I tried to break that cycle, but my messed up body thwarted that endeavor. And see therein lies a big problem. If I willingly go ahead and bring another child into my life at this less than desirable age of mine, then in all likely hold history will repeat itself. That bothers me immensely as I would never wish my children to experience some of the things that I experienced. That is one of the main reasons that I have not found peace in trying to adopt at this age. It's not so much being 42, I am okay with that. I actually feel fortunately to have lived this long, as I know of others who have not. It's more the notion of being an older parent and what implications that has for my child to be that bothers me. Make sense?

Thanks for listening, I am glad that this forum exists. It's wonderful to know that I am not alone.

Tracey

[BuckarooBanzai]

Age is a matter of the mind. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!

I'm 45 and have two boys (6 & 2). I can't say that their is anything that I would have done with kids 20 years ago that I don't do with them today. Well, there is. I am able to spend more time on them now and have less worries about finances to do the things we want to do.

We are currently looking for number 3.

[LucindaM]

Tracey,
I am the child of older parents. I also have 2 brothers that were teenagers when I was born. For me this is just how my life was, I didn't find anything strange about it. Most of my friends had young moms and the thing I remember most is that they felt the need to compete with their cute, young moms. My mom was just that, my mom. No competition, no need to feel like we were best girlfriends, just a mother-daughter relationship. This is probably why I don't feel the least bit odd bringing a new baby into our family at our age even adding in the factor of 4 grown kids. For me it's normal.
I only had one set of grandparents growing up. My grandfather (who I was closest to) died when I was 22 and my grandmother lived to be 93 so I did have the benefit of having grandparents although they did live in another state.
Our new daughter will have one set of grandparents (DH's parents) but they are pretty much the hands off type so she won't be around them that much. What she will lack in the older generation will be more than made up by her siblings. Even though there is a significant age gap they all plan to be very active in her life. For me that too is normal as I was closest to my oldest brother and there was a 16 year gap in our ages. We were best buds until he passed away a couple of years ago.
As for that screaming toddler you have running around inside you, don't get rid of her completely. I, for one, have always refused to grow up completely and I dearly love my inner child, tantrums and all.

Lucinda

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by T&T

Did any of you have older parents? Did any of you have grandparents that died before you were born, or when you were little? If you answered yes to either of those quesitons, how has that affected your views on being an older parent?

Tracey - yes, and yes. In fact, within my family it has also been a generational "thing". My family "legacy" is that of waiting until older to have children, as far back as I can trace.

I had one grandmother who died when I was about 6 - and she had alzheimers for years before that. I still remember her and miss her. I wish I could have had much more time with her.

My sweet Mom seemed ancient compared to my friend's Moms. She was not young and cute and all that. And she had two more 8 years later. My brother and I have talked about this at length. He is the youngest and Mom's age impacted him even more.

I did not want to pass along to my child the missed opportunities of grandparents.

I do not want to be old and "frumpy" like I saw my Mom as being.

History is already repeating itself generationally with me. My son will not grow up with his grandparents being around for very long. He lost one before he was born, and he now has two elderly grandparents who likely will not live out the year.

And then I ask myself, "What is the alternative?" Do I deny a child the love and family we have to offer because I don't want him to have to grow up without grandparents and with a frumpy Mom? (OK - I'm not TOO frumpy - but I can't get that image out of my head).

Do I deny myself and my husband the joys of a sweet child because my body would not give me children at a younger age?

I look at the young, cute Moms and wish I had their LOOKS - but then I do NOT wish to have their young minds.

(I am going to post a thread in a minute to address a similar issue.)

Tracey - I HAVE broken some of the negative generational cycles - the important ones. AND I could not have done that if I had been a younger Mom.

It is in how you view it: Is late parenting a negative cycle? IMO - NO! Not if what you are doing is loving and raising a child and giving that child a great family - even without grandparents. History is already repeating itself with me - but I'll be darned if I will let that deny a child of a wonderful family and deny a wonderful family of a child. History is just that - the PAST. NOW is the present and I can do nothing about my infertility, etc. I can do nothing about being older. But I will not let that stop me from the joys of motherhood and from providing a loving family for a sweet child.

How did older parents and no grandparents affect my views on being an older parent? I questioned. I searched within myself. And AFTER I became a parent I knew I had done the right thing. Older parenting is a negative only if I let that stop me from becoming one.

I hope this helps. It is just my experience.

Read Josie's post again - she makes insight into the murky waters of questioning ourselves.

Keep us posted Sweetie - we are rooting for you!

[joskids]

The bottom line, Tracey, is that YOU have been given the gift of living your own life, it's yours to make what you will of it. Only YOU can decide what is right for you. What each of us say on this board is our own personal experience. So take some time to consider what "quality of life" you are looking for and whether it includes children or not. You have that right. A higher power saw fit to give it to you. And blessings from me to you.

[Matushka]

I, too, had older parents. My mom was only 34 when I was born but my dad was 47. I worried alot about him dying when I was child but he was a great and energetic dad. He died at 85 so I worried needlessly. I grew up only knowing my grandmothers and fortunately they lived to be 96 and 100. I'm counting on those genes for my mom. Sometimes I "feel" too old at 41 to be the mother of a 3yo and twin 2 yo's but I also know that I'm a much better mom now than I ever would have been if I'd started 10 or 15 years ago. I'm fortunate to have financial stability and a fantastic energetic 52 yo dh that I didn't have then. I've been asked if I'm grandma and I don't really fit in with the other parents at preschool or playgroups. But it's not just my "age" it's also what I'm interested in and what my priorities are. I'm also lucky in that my older sister's daughter was born smack dab in the middle of my girls so we've been doing the baby thing together while our brother's kids are going to college and high school. I can't imagine my life without my girls. I do worry about whether we'll still be healthy/able to work when we have to pay for college and I absolutely want to know my grandchildren so I'm determined to stay young and healthy for as long as I possibly can. This has been a bit of a ramble (sorry) but I just wanted to toss in a word so you know you're not alone with your worries. We decided to throw all caution to the wind and enter this new thing called parenthood, and we're loving it!

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Tracey..... 40+ is NOT TOO OLD!!! Give yourself and other 40+'ers a break I never found my prince charming, found out that I could not have children when I was 32, and found my Darling Daughter in Russia when I was 42! I had looked into int'l adoption 3 years prior, and for one reason or another, it never worked out. Out of the blue, my sister receives a phone call from a stranger. This woman had heard of my sister's work with foreign exchange H.S. students, and thought that maybe she and her family would like to host a Russian Orphan for 2 weeks in the summer. After 3 phone calls (in less then 2 hours), her and her husband (and children) agreed that they would, and she asked how Russia felt about single women hosting a possible adopting? They did not have a problem with this. By 4PM that day, I was faxing all of the signed paperwork to host myself!! Alot of friends/acquaintences thought I was nuts.... good career, in my 40's (could go and do anything, blah, blah, blah), you don't "know what you are getting" (the comment that irked me the most), etc. I simply said that I have wanted this my whole life!

I have to tell you, that finding and bringing my DD home is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT thing that I have ever done in my life. Now at 44, if I could financially afford it (still single), I would adopt again, but I do not want to strap us, and my DD still needs my undivided attention.

Put thoses thoughts out of your mind. If you truly want to add to your family..... AGE does not matter. My DD keeps me moving and 'young'!

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by T&T

I don't want to be 42 and adopting, I want to be younger, but that's not possible, and therein lies my mental struggle.

Well, I'd like to be younger too, and more handsome, with more hair, and wealthier, and taller...

I think you get the idea. We can't change a lot of things about ourselves, we can only change how we think about those things. That is, of course, much easier said than done. Eventually, I guess I just came to the conclusion that there wasn't any point in me considering whether or not it would be "better" to be younger, because all other things being equal, of course it would. However, all other things aren't equal, and what I've lost in youthfuless, I've gained in many other ways.

Originally Posted by T&T

Did any of you have older parents? Did any of you have grandparents that died before you were born, or when you were little? If you answered yes to either of those quesitons, how has that affected your views on being an older parent?

I grew up with foster parents that were a good 15 or 20 years older than the average parents of my school mates. There were times when it was awkward, but as someone else said, kids will always have some reason to find fault with their parents, and age is a good excuse. It really wasn't until I was older that I was able to realize the benefits I got from them being older. As a kid, all I cared about was that they looked different. Eventually I realized not only that looks didn't amount to much, but that most other kids' parents weren't fashion models either. And while it's true that I didn't know my grandparents well, or for long, they weren't my only family. What I lost in grandparents, I made up for in aunts and uncles.

Originally Posted by T&T

I would never wish my children to experience some of the things that I experienced.

Would you, instead, wish for them to experience some of the things some of my friends with younger parents experienced, like family fights, divorces, financial instability, multiple moves, constant job changes, low incomes, poor parenting skills, or parents who spent their time out partying instead of home with their kids? It's smart to take time to consider the "costs" to your children of being an older parent, but it's wise to also consider the benefits of being older, and the costs of being younger.

We're a youth-obsessed culture, but ask any preschooler who's the most beautiful woman, or the best cook, or the strongest man, or the smartest person, and they'll all say it's their mom, or their dad. Eventually those kids grow up and realize that their parents are just regular people like the rest of us. Along the way, they learn to love them even if they aren't young and good looking.

[joskids]

that's A GREAT STORY!!! Thanks for sharing it. I got a lot from your signature. Sounds like it was definitely meant to be. That child is very lucky to have you also. I already KNOW you're lucky to have her. We have adopted 4 and am "over 40". They rock my world!!!!!!!!

[pnewcombe]

Dear Tracey... You have a long way to go to old age by my reckoning. I woke up and realized at age 59 1/2 if I didn't start soon I would not have a family before I left this earth so I started the process then. Yes some things would go better if I were younger and yes I was raised by older parents and as a child resented that my Dad didn't play with me like the neighbors kids fathers did. So I got in better shape, adopted four teenagers and I am having a blast. Could have retired but would not have had near the fun I'm having with these great kids. Never realized that I needed them as much as they needed me. Nothing like having the old guy beat them at basketball or bowling, (they clean my clock in soccer!) and I know that I am a much better parent at 60 than I would have been at 30, 40 or 50 like some others have said, I'm mellow to the busted furniture, dents in the cars, damage to the house, and all of the other material things that I'm not to going take with me anyway. Although I'm not religious like some, I know that I was well prepared to meet the needs of these kids and not be hung up with so many of my own issues. And nothing I could have done in retirement could have made me feel like hearing my youngest tell me about his 10 years in the orphanage and ending with "then Pop you came and took me and now life is good." I've had plenty of comments about adopting at my age, adopting teenagers to boot, all to the effect that I must be crazy, but I've had the last laugh. Some great kids are giving me more positive energy in my life than I've had for years. Forget about making peace with your age, you'll be 43 next year whether you adopt or not. Sure you may have some moments when you ask yourself what was I thinking,... and about then you hear your son on the roof trying to get his airplane out of the tree (now with three shoes and a soccer ball stuck in the tree too) , or you'll be explaining that yes he has to go to school even though he gave himself a hickey on his upper lip sucking on a gatorade bottle while watching TV last night or you'll have one asking you where is a good place to hang out with his girl friend and you have to remind him that as a 60 year old batchler I'm clueless on that topic and you'll know it was worth it! My co-workers know by now that when I'm sitting smiling in another pointless meeting that I'm just thinking about one of my kids and some stunt they did or some experience we shared and that's what really matters. As my Doctor told me when he supplied my medical reference, he could not write a prescription as good as this would be for me.

Pete, proud pop of four great kids

[pnewcombe]

Tracy If being older has you worried about some of the issues with adopting a very young child, maybe consider adopting an older child. My situation could only work that way at my age but it has worked out very well. I do miss that fact that I could not be a part of my kids lives earlier but so be it, we'll catch up going forward. For kids like mine who were facing ageing out of the orphanage in a few years or months, now having the stability of a home for as long as I live (hopefully at least another decade) their lives are now on a totally different trajectory. And yes I have the sadness that there are no grandparents, only an uncle and aunt surviving, but that's still huge compared to what they had before the adoption. And worrying about them having some bad experiences like you may have had... Well each child is an individual and they came with their own lense to look at life. It is very wishful to think that even if you gave them an identical experience that was bad for you that it would affect them the same. I think you just have to prepare them to make their own choices and let them know that home is always safe and your love is unconditional and trust them to make the best of what you can provide.