[Shoshana]

last week's question from my doctor's nurse: "are you babysitting?"

my response: "uh, no, she's my daughter." i wondered if this question was because of my age, or race.

but THE question came today...

a woman at the pharmacy: "are you the GRANDMOTHER?"

my response: i stood shaking my head and said, "congratulations, you are the first person to ask me that question."

i believe she (and the 10 or so witnesses) realized she put her foot in her mouth.

i guess i'd better get used to it, huh?

theoretically speaking, i am young enough to BE her biological mother.

theoretically speaking, i am old enough to be her great-grandmother.

but i'm not. i'm her mama, and she's my first baby. DON'T PEOPLE THINK BEFORE THEY OPEN THEIR MOUTHS?

[HappyMomAnna]

I know how you feel! I havn't actually gooten the question much because I have told just about the whole world about our children and most people in my area know me (I have a big mouth in real life too)

When I was asked a few weeks ago I just said, "no I am the mom--but I could be the grandmather--Thank goodness I am not!"

[dl]

DON'T PEOPLE THINK BEFORE THEY OPEN THEIR MOUTHS?

Unfortunately NOT!!!!!!!!

I like your response. Glad you at least made her ~ and others within earshot ~ realize she put her foot in her mouth!! Maybe next time she will think!!!!!!!!

If the next person that asks you "Are the grandmother?" has children with them, I would smile ever so sweetly and say (no matter how old THEY look) "Oh No ~ but I could see how you might assume that ~ since you're a grandparent yourself!"

LMAO

[Missy M]

"last week's question from my doctor's nurse: "are you babysitting?"

my response: "uh, no, she's my daughter." i wondered if this question was because of my age, or race."


The question was asked because she was stupid but anxious to comment on anything! Why do people feel the need to do this?
In my case it was often asked due to my different skin tone. I am the color of "Oprah" but our darkest kid is the color of J-Lo and I got the "are you the Nanny" or the" are you babysitting"question more than you'll ever know. Usually I'd smile, pause and reply: "Well, I take care of her all day BUT as soon as she goes to sleep at night I climb in the bed with her DADDY and thats where the real work begins! Just beat them at their own game; if they ask inappropriate questions give them inappropriate answers. Or simply ask "Why on earth would you ask that???" MissyM

[thewatsonelf]

Thankfully, I have yet to be asked anything REALLY rude. Yet is the operative word here.

However, I do look very young for my age and when my son (now 11) was a baby, people always assumed he was either my little brother (he looks JUST like me) or I was a teen age mother. I was 26 at the time. Used to really irk me.

People can be so STOOPID sometimes. I would NEVER ask someone if that was their grandchild or if the baby was adopted or anything else of such a personal nature! It would just never occur to me.

When the time comes when I am asked something horribly insensitve and stupid, I do have the ability to be really really mean in a really nice way.

[bromanchik]

The best one I ever heard was from a mother who adopted a number of children, all different races and skin tones. This lady came up to her and said she should be ashamed of herself for having so many children with different fathers!!!

[alicia hunter]

I have to deal with the opposite problem. My mom goes everywhere with us and looks much younger than 50. I constantly deal with people thinking she is the mom and I am the big sister. Noone can ever understand that I am the MOMMY. Oh, well, I guess society has this idea of the perfect cookie cutter family, but how boring is that.

[debsdone]

Oh Elizabeth, I'm sorry! People are SO stupid! When my youngest was in kindergarten, a mom at the bus stop asked me that. I was all of 38 or 39 at the time. SHE looked like she had her child at 12.....but that was only a small consolation. At 46 I sometimes feel old to my 12 year old. But my 26 year old makes me feel young, LOL. I must admit; the comments about how I look too young to have the 26 year old have slowed WAY down! I think going without sleep is part of the problem here. Not only do we get baggy tired eyes, we are also a bit slow to come up with a witty reply! I loved your reply, right to the point! Geez, some people should wear a muzzle! Love, Debi

[PrayingMammaof4]

That is so terrible, I can't believe that people just dont' think before they talk, or maybe they dont' think what they have to say is wrong.
I once fostered an african american infant who was severely ill. She was on oxygen 24/7 and I was at Walmarts and the greeter was an older man and he asked me what was wrong with the baby, and I told him. He then asked me if it was my baby and I said "YES" he asked what happened at birth and I had to tell him that I didnt' know that I was her foster parent, and in return to that statement he said,
"Good, don't you just hate to see white woman with black men!!!!!!!!! " I was soooooooooooo apalled, yes I am white but I am not prejudice at all. I just looked at him and walked away and the only thing I could say is , "No, it makes no difference to me, she is a baby and she needs me"
Well, I was telling my friend, who is also a foster parent and the same guy said that to her also.
Where do these people come from and who gave them etiquette lessons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????? It definetely wasn't Martha Stewart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[BabsCanada]

Well thankfully I haven't had to put up with any stupid remarks regarding our daughter's heritage, because it isn't obvious; I tend to gently educate anyone who says anything truly stupid about adoption or heritage, but the grandmother thing, ---

In Dec I had my hair done at a salon I'd never been to before, and in making small talk with the young hairdresser, was telling her about my 7 year old daughter's Christmas wish list, which started out with a horse and ran thru other impossibilities to the last choice, which was a hamster. This girl, in the process of giving me a hairstyle requiring spiking and paste, then asked, Do you have any grandchildren? Holy I swear my jaw hit the floor. Do I look like a grandmother?!! She blushed and stammered and said, Well you never know nowadays. (???) I just laughed and said, Technically, I'm old enough to be a grandmother, but as my daughter is only 7, I'm hoping that it's a ways off.

I've written her off as simply STOOPID and wasn't all that happy with the hairstyle either.

It still feels like yesterday that my baby face always required me to show ID at the bars - now suddenly I'm a grandmother. Yikes.

Babs

[MamaJem]

I was only 37 and checking out at WalMart, waiting to leave to pick up DD and the checker asked me if I had a new grandchild! Urgh. I have decided to chalk it up to the fact that I obviously wasn't pregnant and had no baby with me at the moment. It was still frustrating.

Recently while discussing our upcoming adoption a "friend" started off on how women put off having children until 40 and how ridiculous that was. It was just too old to have babies. Why, she would just die if she had another baby at my age. Not mind you, she was married at 16, had her first baby at 18 and at 40, her first grandson is about to turn 3. I just thought that considering the fact I am a year older than she is and not done building my family she would realize how insensitive it was. But no, she didn't. *sigh* Gotta put on your duck suit and let stuff roll off your back...

[DTF955]

I'm 34, and might be quite a few years. If I ever get that kind of questin, I'm giong to say in a slightly boastful, yet joking manner:

"Why, yes, I do believe I am a grand father."

[spaypets]

Elizabeth, that's the pits! Gosh, I think I'd cry -- but I'm used to people being surprised I'm as old as I am -- come to think of it that hasn't happened in a while!

[Shoshana]

ya know, spay, you may be on to something. people always guessed my age between 8 and 10 years younger. the last time i got carded (21 drinking age) was on my 31st birthday. recently, no one has been asking or guessing i'm younger. honestly, i think i'm finally looking my age which is okay cause i'm still pretty cute

[ruthannbox]

I think the key is maintaining a sense of humor, and realizing that people who are trying to strike up a conversation generally mean well. I am 50 and the adoptive mom of a 3-year-old and I've had so many different versions of "the question" that it really is funny. My son is from Guatemala, so since he is darker than me, the questions have included, "Is your husband Asian?" "Is your husband Italian?" and so on and on. I've gotten the grandmother question once too, but you know -- What does it really matter? What matters is that you've got your precious little one and you love him or her and he/she loves you. Be a good example for your child and treat all people kindly to the very best of your ability -- even the ones who ask silly questions. If you analyze what they're really thinking, it's more likely to be, "You look like a nice woman and you've got a cute kid there, so I'd like to say something to you to acknowledge that." If you think of it in those terms, perhaps you can retain your equanimity.