[spaypets]

While we've had people ask us "Why India?" I've always taken it to be out of curiousity and not criticism. Before our daughter came home I'd answer sincerely with pros and cons about the coutry's policy. Now I just say, "Because that's where our daughter was!" If anything, we got unwarranted praise for providing a home to an orphan. We got a lot of "she's a lucky girl." In reality, we're the lucky ones and we say so.

In truth, the only time I've felt criticized for adopting overseas has been here on these forums. At least then, it's usually by people who _are_ doing something wonderful--adopting from foster care.

I'm cracking up at the thought of adopting to show off our affluence -- Gosh, buying a BMW would have been sooo much easier!

And if I wanted to wear my liberalism on my sleeve, I'd get a bumper sticker!

Wow, foxl, you know some real cynics!

[Victoria Lane]

I had kind of the opposite happen this summer. It was cute and flattering so I'll tell it. I'm 40 and have an 11 year old son. My husband was previously married and has 2 grown sons, and an 8 year old grandson, well of course I'm grandma to my grandson, we took both boys to Disney this summer. We were at one of the restaurants and my grandson asked for another soda, the waiter said you better ask your Mom before you order another one. My grandson appalled at the waiter thinking I was his mother, said in a very loud voice "that's not my Mom that's my grandma". Well, the waiter looked at me looked at him, and said "well I have to say you don't look like any grandmother I've ever seen". LOL I still feel like a million bucks whenever I think about it. I hope when we adopt our daughter I won't be mistaken for a grandmother all the time that would defiantly burst my bubble.
Victoria

[Dianna]

Hi, I have had a number of interesting comments but never thought much about them. Lots of indian children are raised by their grandparents, so it felt normal to adopt our little guy at 48 and 42 years old. Prior to that we had adopted our "older" kids who I am 38 and 39 years older than. Fortunately for me, I work with people who had their bio kids in that age range so was in the "older" parent range at school but fairly normal at work. With this last adoption, I have been doing my best to look younger but my age is catching up with me as well. I had one young man who couldn't really speak english, ask me lots of questions at the state fair. It brought me down a little but then I thought about how good a home we have for our little guy and soon forgot about it.

At one time we had 3 kids 5, 6, and 7. A lady told me, "You were pregnant for 3 years!" I just laughed. Another person told me that my little guy was a late life surprise, because of the 10 year difference between he and his older sibs. That made me laugh also. My son finally knows how old I am. I have kept it on a need to know basis. My daughter once told me that she was embarrassed to be seen with me. I think it was more of an attachment thing but she does have young aunts who dress much differently than I . The boys seem much less concerned about such things.

I agree with Roxanne also, I think people just want to interact. I have found out things about people in conversation which were unusual and unexpected. Usually they share these things after speaking for awhile. I almost never ask a direct question and figure if people don't share, then it is none of my business.

[foxl]

Lisa, WOW! I cannot imagine anyone who has given thought at ALL to adoption, saying such a thing. But then, I cannot believe some of the things I ahve heard with my own ears, either! I hope you are enjoying your kids, as I enjoy mine!

[cmcarr]

Get over it, wait until you go into the kindergarden class and the kids ask you the same thing and refer to you as the old mom. What are you going to do? Like I said to the kids, Moms come in all shapes sizes colors and ages. Indeed I am the old mom, but this old mom shows up more often than those young moms. Relax, enjoy, your an older Mom. cc

[jackiesbooks]

Last year I went into first grade meet the parent night and I kept looking at the one father - and then I realized he was a friend of oldest son (24).

[donnaparadise]

Hi Shoshana

Well, this is just the beginning! As mentioned on another post, wait until you get to school! Early years may not be that big a problem, but wait until high school! You'll have to develop a much thicker skin, I'm afraid.

"Don't people think before they open their mouths?" 'Fraid not! In this day of self-expression and lack of taboos as far as what is socially acceptable behaviour and topics of discussion, it seems that all bets are off and no one seems to censor themselves about anything anymore.

Many people are curious and may speak before they think. People with disabilities come across this their whole lives with people gawking, commenting within earshot, asking the most inappropriate questions. Some manage to deal with it. Some don't.

A sense of humour is, in my mind, the best foil against outrageously inappropriate comments. You can choose to be upset or choose to find them funny. It is up to you. You certainly won't change the people you will come across over the years.

If you find that the questions is really beyond the pale, you can simply retort: "If you will forgive me for not answering your question, I will forgive you for asking it." and flounce off with as much dignity as you can muster.

Developing a sense of humour about the whole thing will be a good role model for your child as well. The little one will take cues from you and determine by your reaction to others and their queeries about your status as to whether it is something to be ashamed of or something to just let roll off, like water off a duck's back.

It isn't easy, I can imagine. However, you are intelligent and your heart is in the right place and you love your child and will get through this, I am sure.

I think your answer: "Congratulations. You are the first person to ask me that." Is great! Excellent! I would add a chuckle to it and keep it handy. You'll need it. lol

cheers,
Donna

[lisa in venice]

Fox,
I have had many peoplelecture me about the plight of orphans in foreign countries especially China and that I shoud really adopt from there because kids there are in so much more need. When we were in the process with Miranda I had two neighbors who had just read "The Lost Daughters of China" and were feeling particularly politically charged. When I annouced in Church that we were expecting the arrival of our newest child thru adoption in the next month another mom piped up and said "you are going to China aren't you?" As if there were no other way to adopt. Jus tto tell you it goes both ways.

I have had " the question" a few times. The last time just last week. My new boss' partner saw a picture of all of my kids and asked if my little one was my grandbaby. I just said no, that's my youngest. The thing was he was not even embarressed . Ok I could be the grandma tot he younger two but in a city where most professional people have kids later I would think that you wouldn't ask that question. I am not sure what he was insulting, my age, how well I was aging or my social status.

lisa

[niandca]

I've been asked if my daughter is my granddaughter...I don't if it was me or the other person that was more embarrased. Now over the hurdle of the first time, I know it's them. Kind of like asking when the baby is due..& nobody's pregnant...foot in mouth time. Everybody has "assumptions" that are formed in their head & fall out their mouth without processing at some time or another. I don't consider it a personal affront...my mirror tells me their assumption is not all that off anyway.On another note..I once fostered an Asian boy who needed medical attention at the clinic in the middle of an Asian community. I am tall for a woman and they don't come whiter than me. This little Asian woman kept staring & staring and finally she said to me.."Is the father Asian?" and I said, "yes, he is...pause...so's his mother." She actually would've been better off assuming I was the nanny, no?