[ruthannbox]

I think the key is maintaining a sense of humor, and realizing that people who are trying to strike up a conversation generally mean well. I am 50 and the adoptive mom of a 3-year-old and I've had so many different versions of "the question" that it really is funny. My son is from Guatemala, so since he is darker than me, the questions have included, "Is your husband Asian?" "Is your husband Italian?" and so on and on. I've gotten the grandmother question once too, but you know -- What does it really matter? What matters is that you've got your precious little one and you love him or her and he/she loves you. Be a good example for your child and treat all people kindly to the very best of your ability -- even the ones who ask silly questions. If you analyze what they're really thinking, it's more likely to be, "You look like a nice woman and you've got a cute kid there, so I'd like to say something to you to acknowledge that." If you think of it in those terms, perhaps you can retain your equanimity.

[mom to 3]

Or say "Mommy will do that" etc. so strangers don't get a chance to ask 'the question'. My bio son was born when I was eighteen. Twenty years later we started fostering our DS#2 and DS#3. I think that people need to practice being less judgemental and not to make assumptions. It's a natural tendency to be curious and try to classify people and situations. I don't get as many comments either when I way I have a 28 year old. I guess my age is finally catching up to me!

[Sheila Moyer]

to heck with em, ya know! i'm 43 years old and i have a 17 month old daughter. my husband is 47 and we both have teenage children from previous marriages. i can't imagine anyone asking questions today because people have children at all ages! next time someone asks, tell them it is your sibling!lol

[foxl]

I am 47, have 3 y/o from India (I am N. Euro extraction, as is DH), and am adopting another from Guat, hopefully SOON.

I have never gotten the question but we sure do get some looks, ranging from the what does husband/wife look like, if we are not accompanied by spouse, to one African American woman who actually asked my husband, "Are you the grandfather?" quite nicely, but then when he said, "No, I'm the father," she acted quite horrified, as if he had taken advantage of some young thing! He did not elaborate the situation to her.

I agree with RuthAnn though -- really, people generally mean well, and even on the remote chance that they DON'T, don't you want adoption to be represented to the world at large as a good and loving thing, done by happy well-adjusted people? And if your child is along, don't you want them to know how PROUD you are of having adopted them? I know some people are more sensitive to others' opinions, but sheesh -- it's worth a good laugh, more than anything.

[delaware1]

Hi -
I'm sorry this happened, but yoru response was perfect. Enjoy your daughter, have a great summer.
love-
Kathleen

[Shoshana]

no one has asked me again, so maybe it was a fluke.

one thing i've decided to do is to be sure that we have connections with all different types of families. i do not want xiomara to grow up thinking that the 'typical' family is comprised of two 25-30 yr old white parents and 2.2 kids who live in the 'burbs. (not that anything is wrong with this type of family, but there are plenty of blended families, single parents, older parents, transracial, transcultural, etc. etc. etc.) and we belong to a couple of those categories!

p.s. kathleen - i spent quite a few years working on my dissertation at the U of D.

[foxl]

This is a tad off topic, but it was another of those sticky questions that I got asked recently. I was at the park and a little african-american girl about 6 y/o came up and started talking to us. She seemed a bit precocious -- talking more to me than my daughter. She asked me, "Is she YOUR daughter?" and I answered yes, without providing further explanation. She responded, "Well, she's kinda BROWN!" I wanted to crack up, she was so candid and sweet. I explained that we went over and got my daughter from India, which she found interesting. I do find myself truly enjoying ALL the questions about my blended family, despite previously thinking of myself as shy and self-conscious about attention. It feels odd in fact when we go to New Mexico, where transracial (mostly hispanic or Indian) families are so common, people actually do NOT pay undue attention to my daughter!

[HappyMomAnna]

On the 4th we went to our local firework show and I ran into a long lost friend at the snack stand while holding the baby.... My old friend was looking at me KINDA strange--and then asked, "How old are Sean and Tori now?"

I had to laugh because I started to get the idea---and then I told my friend, "Oh, thats right you don't that my husband and I adopted two little ones last year!"

My old friend sighed in relief and said, "Thank God, I was worried that one of you kids made you a grandma!"

I said, "Yeah--I get that now and then--since it is possible I try not to worry--but, Tori still refuses to go out shopping with me and the baby!"

[foxl]

Anna -- that is hilarious about your daughter! I have a petite friend who at 25 still gets "the look" now towing her 2.5 y/o AND 5 mos pregnant. We commiserate. Glad you can find the humor in it, and keep those folks GUESSING, with us!

[DebCsMom]

LOL I have been asked that question, luckily just ONCE! We were at a McDonald's & the girl waiting on us commented on how cute my AA daughter was. Then she asked IT, "Are you her Grandma?" I about died! LOL I said, "No, I'm her Mother." She said, "No really" LOL I said, "YES really, she is my daughter" She just stared at me for what seemed like forever with this stupid grin on her face like I was teasing her. Then I said, "REALLY! She is MY daughter. I'm HER Mother!" I was alittle irratated at this point because she was still not believing me. Like she never thought that I adopted her, she must have thought I was telling her I gave birth to her! LOL I took my food & just left her still looking at me all crazy! LOL

Deb

[Shoshana]

Oh, Deb, that's funny. Well, not funny, but you know what I mean.

If the woman at the pharmacy had responded like the girl at McDonald's, I probably would've lost my last shred of equanimity and grabbed the nearest box of Dora bandages and tossed 'em at her.

[3girls1boy]

Bert my husband is 52. Our children range from 12 to 2. He was asked for the first time last week if our youngest was his grandson. He laughed and said no, its his son. The guy that asked then explained he had 8 grandkids and was only 51. Yikes!!!
Lisa

[mamatokay]

Just found this thread and wanted to comment on something that happened a few years ago with my adaughter.

We were at a new beauty salon, I was having my hair cut and had my daughter with me, she was about 6 years old at the time, she always chatted with anyone who would listen. My bio son is 18 years older than our adaughter...we basically left it up to our daughter to tell strangers if she was adopted or not, you know kinda left the ball in her court..anyhow she was chatting with this woman who was waiting to have her hair done, and talking about her older brother who was 18 years older, and the fact that she was an aunt to her 4 year old niece, well, the woman looks straight at me and asks ""Was she a midlife mistake?" right in front of my daughter.....of course I was shocked....and smiled sweetly and said "No, of course she wasn't she was a pure gift from God, I would never call my child a mistake". LOL..needless to say this woman blushed and apologized for her inappropriate remark. It was worth the look on her face, I think sometimes people just don't think before they speak.

[foxl]

Kathleen, it sounds like you have friendly and diplomatic coworkers, at least! ...

Has anyone else run into people POLITICIZING their adoption decision-making? It was not always directly verbalized, but it seemed like our decision to adopt, and specifically to adopt internationally, was treated as a political declaration that people had a right to respond to, ranging from one woman telling me it was un-American for us to adopt overseas since we have waiting children here; to another smirking about how much faster her sister accomplished her domestic adoption in our home state, to another telling me that as a Caucasian, I would not understand a minority child and had no “right” to adopt one (she later very graciously apologized, and I respect that she gave it so much thought!). To some people (obviously, the issue was feeding some external agenda on their part) we were spending too much money in order to show off our affluence (RIIIIIIGHT ;-) ), or as a way of wearing our “liberalism” on our sleeves … We had to consider the source, a lot – most had never been to a third-world country and seen the multitude of street children. Their remarks were nonetheless upsetting, particularly when waiting for our first and not being sure how she would be accepted here.

[3girls1boy]

Foxl
It swings both ways. I have had people who adopted internationallly actually make dispariging remarks about domestic adoption and open adoption. "You can't trust birthparents, you are never really the parents, you just want someone who looks like you" When I speak up they and say I have two such adoptions, they become flustered and apologize all over themselves. I think there are predjudices and generalizations everywhere, even within the adoption community.
Lisa