[ladyjubilee]

Little Guy's plan may be changing to adoption...and extended family having begun to ask about seeing him post adoption. The thing is, it seems like people are coming out of the woodwork. I'm not threatened, or scared, or insecure any of the other things people say....but neither am I a babysitter. I don't really want to spend the rest of my life organizing around visits with every set of grandparents (and there are more than 4), uncles, aunts, cousins, second cousins etc.

At the same time, I don't want an adoption committee to day, "you won't play, we'll look elsewhere." Everyone keeps assuring me that this is unlikely since placements for children like Little Guy are hard to find so this wouldn't happen...still....I'm worried. Plus, I do believe in open adoption, but as much as I love Little Guy, I don't really want to commit to planning my life around a bizillion strangers---pfft, part of why I'm not married is that I don't want to do that even with one guy! To top it off, the one contact that I did have with an extended family member involved several hours of being questioned and undermined and having not so subtle reminders that I was "only" the foster parent.

Any suggestions?

[breakspencils]

You can say 'when his therapist feels visits are appropriate' or 'when he's settled and firmly attached' or even 'i'm happy to send photos and updates once or twice a year, but beyond that prefer to leave my options open.

[Biblemom]

Could you agree to meet them all together like at a park once a month or every 3 months? We said we would have visits as long as they were appropriate with birthmom and her family. For the BF we said that we would allow visits only if (and for as long as) the children's therapist recommended it due to his history. Both give you an 'out' if the visits are harmful to the child's wellbeing and show you are willing to try.

[ScrapMonkey]

Do not agree to anything you are uncomfortable with. You'll be stuck with it. Agree to the MINIMUM you know you can do because you can always increase contact but it's a mess to decrease contact.

[o2b30again]

Our situation was very similar. People just kept coming out of the woodwork. I felt that looking at our situation it was best to say "when the therapist and adoptive family feels it appropriate..." Funny how I was still blamed for not "giving" them anything. Turns out that NONE of them signed the contact agreement. They said that it was a bunch of hogwash having a therapist dictate what was best for the children. All they wanted was a bit of control and when they didn't get it they turned tail and ran. Our contact agreement was with bio grandparents

The children haven't asked about ANY of the people that were requesting visitation with the children. (and they LIVED with them!) Not a single one! I felt bad standing my ground on this situation but in our case it was what we felt best. I always said that I would be open to maintaining contact, letters and photos. What I learned was that each situation and bio family your dealing with may get a different answer depending on the case. Some of the workers wanted us to just agree to the contact and then eventually dwindle it back to nothing if it got out of control. We stood firm in that we weren't going to agree to something that we had no intention of holding up. The bio's already felt lied to by the system and I wouldn't have them saying that I lied as well.

If you don't feel up to contact that is fine! Don't do anything because you feel bad for them (relatives), scared or afraid to make someone angry. You will feel better knowing that you did what you knew you could handle. If you are agreeing to anything agree to the bare minimum. Thats my 2 cents Good luck!

[greenrobin]

If these folks are just now coming into your child's life after an extended separation, my question would be where have they been and why haven't they made their presence known before now?

I don't happen to have any problem with telling extended family no. They did not raise my children. They had no contact during their time in foster care. The kids have no memories of them. So, no. I will not have them interrupting their lives.

And don't agree to anything you don't want. I didn't even have to agree to pictures or updates. I'll offer them, but I am not mandated to have them. And the family cannot request them--the judge ordered no further contact by anyone who was a party to the case. Once a month may not seem like much, but it really, really is.