[lakin11]

Where to start?

We just finalized the adoption of our kids in June. We had them for 3 1/2 yrs from time of placement until adoption.

Bio mom abandoned the kids, did not complete services, never attended any visits. For the first 2 yrs of the case, she was not at all involved in their case. Until....another child was removed to unrelated circumstances. Then she decided she wanted to get the kids back. Long complicated story, some of you may know, but we'd filed for adoption, it was contested by the bio father (also abandoned the kids). For 2 1/2 years we "battled" in court.

Bio mom was not given a chance to complete services again, nor she was granted visitation. She eventually signed consents, and later got the other sibling back.

We did agree to an open adoption with her, because for all her many mistakes, she does love the kids and realizes how much she's screwed up. In the agreement, we set 2 visits per year, the first being 4 months after the adoption.

Well we are approaching that timeline. We've had a good relationship with bio mom in the past year and even though we have not allowed the physical visitation, the kids have seen pictures, read letters from her, etc. We have their 1/2 brothers over often and they are very close to them.

The kids were 2, 3, and 4 at the time of removal and are now 6, 7, and 8. They really have no memory of her, did not recognize her in pictures even. For a long time, they did not want to see her. She left them alone a lot, and with strangers, barely raised them herself.

Just trying to figure out what kind of ground rules to set up and how we should set up the visit. DH is thinking something like Chuck E Cheese where they are able to see her, but don't have to just 'sit' there. I think it is going to be too emotional for her to be in such a public place.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[c.a]

We have an open adoption from foster care. Our son is four. We visit with bmom twice per year and are due for another visit in September.

Your DH is on the right track - I agree that going to a place where the kids have something to do is a great idea. I find Chuck E Cheese to be too loud and over stimulating for a successful visit - there also can be pressure (on you or bmom) there for buying junky snacks, toys and video games.

We did our first visit at a local library. We started during story hour so that there was an activity and then we stayed after. We had a great visit at a local park with a playground. We brought a picnic lunch for everyone. Our last visit was at a local indoor playground (without the noise/flashing lights/video games you would find at Chuck E Cheese).

I would also try a local Zoo or Children's museum.

[athikers]

We usually do visits at the playground, weather permitting or at McDonalds playland during an "off time" (nine a.m. in our case). Our visits are one hour four times a year... one hour is about enough for birthmom, I think she wants to see her little girl, but it is hard, too, kwim?

I would push for a public, active place so the kids can just do their thing and bios can interact as much or as little as they are comfortable/able.

[shaylynn]

My kids had their first visit again with birth mom when they were 8, 10, and 12. They had not seen her in over 7 years. We met at Chucky Cheese because it was wintertime in Iowa. Yes, the kids wanted to go and play but yet they didn't have to spend a whole hour sitting with someone they didn't even remember (or recognize for that fact). Everyone did sit around the table and talk when the pizza came and at the end of the visit, they felt comfortable enough that alot of pictures were taken. I said that maybe we could get together again at a park somewhere to which the adults thought that would be okay but the kids were not really thrilled about seeing them again so we didn't push it. Honestly, I think if they only see them ever 5 years, they would like that better. They are okay with a couple letters per year. I do wish that I had pictures of all the relatives (grandmas, grandpas, etc.) for their scrapbooks and also to find out more medical history. You just have to figure out what you are comfortable with and what is safe for everyone. I would not commit to too many meeting a year (I like 2) because monthly or even bi-monthly is sometimes hard to organize with everyones schedules.