[CaddoRose]

We had our first visit with our DD birthMom today. We have had DD since Jan and Mom relinquished on mid March to us. We have an agreement for four visits a year. The visit went well and it's DD birthdya today, she's 2 now. I'm so concerned about overwhelming the birthMom because she has a lower IQ. I was so nervous before because DD has not seen her since March and I didn't want her to experience any of the after effects we so often see with foster kids. So far, so good. She didn't cry(either of them) when we left and she went right into her bed when we got home for a nap.

I got the Mom's email address so I can send her regular pics and updates. I'm just trying to work out how often to send her pics and how often to have visits. I want DD to be able to bond with us and yet have the connection to birthmom and her GrandMom also, who comes to the visits as well.

[Kitty-Kat]

I have a 6 year old son whom we adopted in May. We have had him since January last year and it was a sad situation because mom loved him very much but her IQ was too low to enable her to take care of him properly. In our case though we don't have to have visits ever if we don't want. However I take him to visit her every few months or so and like you was a little worried of the effects it might have on him. I hope it may give you some comfort to know that there is no real bond or connection between them, its more like we are visiting a friend or other family member.

We are his "family" now and he will not grow up and have questions about who his biomom is because he will already know.

This was not an easy decision to make but one I am glad we did for both our son and his biomom! I really hope this helps

[lovemy6]

We're almost 8 years into placement of our kids (5 1/2 since adoption) and have OA with their bmom and her parents. I wanted an OA for them so they wouldn't have to wonder where she is, what she's doing, if she's alive and well.

As long as there is mutual respect, OA's can work out ver well. We had to put boundaries down in the beginning, but bmom has followed them and we all get along. (She was bringing the bfriend of the day and they were having the kids call them "daddy". NO more bf's are allowed at the visits, only bmom and her parents.)

[athikers]

We have had just two post-adoption visits... one was missed and I thought our OA was closed, but I sent one more letter last week and I think both parents will be at the next visit.

Like the rest of you, I want my daughter to know her parents and have some understanding of why they could not parent, that they love her but were not capable... instead of letting her wonder/fantasize about it.

[Hadley2]

I tend to think that for the first year, you would simply do what was agreed and what the first mother expects and see how it goes. Then, if that goes well and you think more would benefit your child, you could talk about adding some extras with the first mother. I think it is much easier to open more gradually than to close down.