[Hadley2]

Everyone's favorite activity....

It's not about me. After a painful "rally" and struggle, our daughter's first mother died, just about a week after we'd received the final adoption papers (she had no idea). Now her family, which had been exhausted to the point of pretty much cutting off engagement with her--and nearly ignoring our daughter's existence--for many years is having a service and wants our daughter there. I think she should go, for lots of her-based reasons, and I've been assured that the atmosphere will be welcoming.

I know, however, that these good people have no clue about how we came to adopt her, how the process works, her needs for permanency, the actual depth of the parents' situation, etc. The first mother always portrayed things as a fight between us and her when of course it was never us, it was the state. I know there will be many comments along the lines of "your real mother was...." recounting her virtues before MI and SA took over. Except for the "real" part, which I can prepare dd to hear and graciously let go, that's all good. But there will also be questions to me which I've heard before "why did you have to adopt her? couldn't you just raise her? why didn't you let X talk to her?" etc., generally why would I be so cruel to X?

Funerals are meant to comfort the living and are not the time and place, usually, to take a stand on harsher realities. So I'll be thinking up some gentle, noncommittal answers like "it can be hard on people, but that's just how the system works" etc.

Anyone who knows me knows that doesn't come very naturally. But I want this connection for dd, there are some amazing people on that side of her family of origin.

So, all you gracious people out there, if you can give me some nice lines to gently deflect such questions and comments, at least for this occasion, I'd appreciate it!

[MamaTo6]

Our adoption worker through foster care suggested to us that we just "put the blame on them".

"why didnt you let xxx talk to her mother?"

"oh that was the CAS, we weren't allowed to let calls come thorough."

"Why did you adopt her when you could have just raised her?"

"because the CAS would have removed her to place her for adoption, the CAS requires that an adoption take place for permanency. We loved her too much to risk losing her to another home."

Just keep gently answering the same way.

[lakin11]

The title to the thread made me laugh...DH thinks I need this when dealing w/ our akids bmom.

As for your situation, it has to be hard. I agree w/ Mamato6....just push the blame to DCFS. In reality, they aren't going to get the truth even if you tried to tell them, ever!

Good luck and prayers as you face this difficult situation!

[Hadley2]

Thank you! We leave tomorrow. I think it will be OK.

[lakin11]

How is your daughter doing?

[Hadley2]

Hi, thanks for asking. She seems to be fine. She only barely remembers living with the first mother and she never really had much of a mother-daughter relationship with her in the way we think of it. She was a little anxious about meeting all those people, but when it came time, really enjoyed herself--odd thing to say, but it is true. Everyone was very kind and welcoming and warm to her. She really liked her siblings and cousins. Many ironies in the situation for me.

And, I kept my lip zipped. No one delved into the things I feared, but other things were said, apparently without thinking, that in another situation might have called for some reality checking...but I let it go and am kinda proud of myself for it.

[fostapeepz]

Good job!! That would have been nerve wracking. It's wonderful your daughter well recieved and had a good time.