[myForeverkids3]

We are coming up on TPR and talking about final visits. I am really feeling sad for my kids. There is no way we will be able to have any contact with their bio parents. They are homeless and drug addicts and mentally ill. I am actually a little afraid they will find us and try to hurt someone. Still though, it is such a loss and I don't know how to explain all this to them. They say they don't care if they don't see them any more but I don't think they understand that this is forever. They are only 5 and 6. We will have contact with one set of bio grandparents and their older brother. At least they will have that.

Anyone else have kids with NO contact???

[MilehighDad]

Yes, and it is very sad. My oldest is now 19 and a half, and does not want to ever try to find her bmom. Our 12 year old also has no contact at all. For both of them, no contact is clearly the best and only option.

That is a sad thing because it's not the way the world is supposed to work. It represents the complete and utter failure of people to do the most important job in the world: raise their kids. And, it is sad because both of our girls are old enough to remember the bmoms, and to grieve for their loss. Even though they were terrible parents, they were still mom, and their loss was traumatic.

The only condolence I can offer you is that you should be thankful that your kids were given a better chance at life. Our oldest stayed with her birth family until she was 11, and suffered horribly as a result. I ask myself --- why couldn't someone have seen what happened to her when she was 10, or when she was 8, or when she was 5 or 3? Why did she have to suffer so long and will she ever really heal and recover?

And even then, I am thankful that we could give her a chance at 14 and proud of how much she has overcome in just a few short years.

So, yes, it is sad in many ways. I wish there was one person that our oldest met before us who is willing to send her a birthday or christmas card. I wish they both had more pictures of their childhood. I wish they both didn't have to feel like there is no tie to the past. But, I accept the way it is, and I'm just going to do my best for all my kids.

[Sdirector]

My oldest son has had no contact, nor does he want any. Perhaps we also have not been the kindest in our recollections of her, but all that we have told him was the truth. She could not take care of him, and abused him in the first eleven months of his life. Two judges agreed with us. That has been fine for him so far.

Our newest girl (his bio half sister) is 12. She lived with the bmother until she was 8, and has spent the last four years living with other relatives. When she first came to us, she made it clear that she wanted to see bmother. However, given bmother's history, the fact that she is a manipulator in the greatest degree, and the fact that visits were "all about" the birthmother, and not about the child, and helping her to heal from the abuse that this woman caused, we have decided no. We gave our daughter a choice, and said that if she wanted to still have contact, it was fine, we would still be part of her life, but when we became Mom and Dad, we had to make decisions that were the best for her.

I know that this is not always a popular stance to take on these forums, but in this instance, it was the right one.

It is sad that she couldn't take care of her kids, but it is what it is. My son has managed to see the mess that this bmother has made of his sister's life, and it is enough to tell him that he definitely doesn't want anything to do with her. My daughter understands this as well.

[athikers]

My kids birthparents are far from perfect and both have open adoptions.

My daughter's parents are not a risk, imo, so her adoption is very open. We see her parents around town, stop and talk to them and have formal visits periodically (these were "off" now they are "on" again - but bios can't mess up again or the visits will cease but pictures/letters will continue).

My son's adoption is also "open" to some degree. He will never see them, but we will have contact through a third party (letters and pictures). In our opinion, despite their pasts, they have a right to see how their child is doing and he has a right to know of his birth parents. This also will help us to open the door for visits when our son is older if that is something he wants. Our sons future is very uncertain, we don't even know if he'll have the cognition to understand what it is to be adopted let alone articulate his wants, but we want the option. We shall see.

[teachermomof3]

I am sad for my son that he will never see his bios, has no pictures and very little from them. He will also never know his biograndparents or biosiblings because their guardian refused. His bioparents have been MIA for almost a year, missed tpr and never responded to final visit requests from the agency. I know my son is too little to understand this now, but I ache for him that he will have so many unanswered questions in the future.

[dpen6]

It is sad when a child loses the cnhance to be brought up in a bilogical family with all the perks of being in one, like the ability to look like someone, the ability to get all history geneatic, medical, heritage ect. It is very sad when the person the created you can not be oin your life...that has to be acknowledged. Even if it was the for the very best of reasons its sad that adoption HAD to happen.

Its also very sad that in some of the cases above it had to happen so late in the little ones life and theirchildhood constested of abuse and pain.

But after thesadness comes the joy of the child knowing(if they will allow it after all the abuse) thatthey are loved and lovable. Hopefully able to experiane stability andsecurity and know that even though their bparents (in abuse cases only) were not decent peole it does't have any reflection on them.

But yes, I understand you feelings ofsadness. But its ok to focus on the joy of them also...I think they need that it abig way..even thought they ahve experianced this sadness they can be happy too.

[myForeverkids3]

Yeah you're right. Acknowledge the loss but celebrate the bright future!