[TxMom65]

My daughter has been with us 2 years. She is 10 and was in care since she was almost 4.
Drugs/neglect were the main issues. There was a step-grandfather who was a caregiver before she was removed. He tried to adopt the kids, was not able pass the home study and has always tried to keep contact.

When the kids were in foster care he did not respect boundaries. Once he found the foster parents' names and tracked them down and went to their house. He called the house.

But, this is the only person that my daughter has asked about seeing. She loved him and felt he kept her safe. She doesn't want to talk about her birth family at all but has asked for visits with him.

A few months ago she asked and I contacted the counselor who supervised the visits back then. She said no, she would not do it. Her reason is that he came to visits bringing gifts for my daughter but not the other siblings.

He called someone yesterday trying to get in touch with us. I called him and he said he has a life insurance policy that he wants to transfer to us for my daughter. I told him that she is doing well, making all A's, in many activities, ect. I told him that she loved him. He cried throughout most of the call. He never asked for a visit but I am wondering if we should.

People advise us that now that she is doing well we shouldn't rock the boat. I feel that I would hate to deny her the chance to say goodbye. He is in bad health and feels is doesn't have much time left. Of course, she will be upset but really, is it worse to mourn her whole life and wonder what has happened to him?

I need all perspectives on this. My gut feeling is to let her see him with a meeting prior telling him some ground rules. What do you think? If you see something I haven't, please tell me the truth.

[Suziebearhugs]

I would say no.

I wouldn't interupt the good things that are happening in her life just to get back in touch with someone who was not respecting boundaries in the past and was acting inappropriate (why would he give her presents but none of the other kids, sounds fishy to me).

People can remain in bad health for a very long time, they can be given 2 years to live and live 10. I wouldn't use his health as a reason to disrupt your childs life now. It may be harder for her to re-connect and then loose him all over again, if soemthing were to happen to him.

You may consider having him make her a "grandparents book" that shares his memories, family history, beliefs, feelings etc (they have some pre-made ones at most book stores that he can just fill out the answers to). Then ask him to include some pictures.

This will give him an opportunity to connect with his grandchild without directly affecting her life. It's would be something much more personal and long lasting that she could keep long after he was gone, or it could help her get to know him for a time they may re-connect in the future.

Whatever you do I would take it very slow.

[athikers]

I would allow the visit. Your daughter is old enough to remember and her memories are positive. You can be at the visit with her and keep it appropriate. Just lay the groundwork with granddad before hand. Obviously he cares deeply for her if he's doing what is needed to find her after all this time.

[carlychan]

I think I would allow some supervised visits in a neutral place. I think contact with the birth family whenever possible is a plus. Good luck!

[TxMom65]

Thanks for your replies and advice. One of the problems the man has is boundaries. He showed up at my job yesterday. He wanted to talk and had some pictures for me. Heavens.

[Boulderbabe]

I'd also allow the visit. He hasn't shown any signs of being violent or inappropriate, and it's clear your daughter loves and misses him. Seeing him, and knowing that somebody in her bfamily loved her and wanted her to be happy, might be incredibly healing for her.

What I would do is lay out the boundaries in VERY clear terms, in writing, and make sure he has them in advance. It's clear he doesn't get subtle social cues. So write down how he may contact her, where the visit will be, who will be there also, whether he can bring anybody else (say no!), and what he can bring her. You should also write down the things he cannot say to her--like "we'll get you back," for example. Write down how he may contact you in the future, too---by telephone only, only at this number, and so on. Be very clear, and write in very direct language. Tell him he must agree to these terms, or you will stop visits permanently.

I think this could be a great thing for your daughter. I hope it goes well!

[Singlemom619]

Despite (or because of) everything I've been going through with my openness of my son's adoption (through foster care and he's also 10).... I would set up a meeting with him in a neutral location.

Let her see him, let her say bye. She's asking. Make it neutral and make sure she understands that she can't name her school or tell her address.

Set any other ground rules with him on what you do not want him talking about. It was not HIS fault that she was removed.

It's one visit.

If her behavior flares up afterwards, it will eventually settle down. But if he does pass at least she had her chance to see him.