[skipchick]

I have been very sympathetic to the Bio Mom of our two kids that we are adopting. We know them from respite, and have a great relationship with foster Mom. Bio Mom never really worked her plan, and finally relinquished her rights in August. She has visitation until they are an adoptive placement. We have been fine with that. However, at the last visit, she was told there is an adoptive family, and she may only have one or two visits left. Now, she is flipping out and suddenly calling the social worker and wanting an open adoption. We are not interested in that. She has proven herself over and over again to be completely unstable. We were open to one last visit right after placement before Christmas, but now she is totally flipping out, and I don't think she will be a good thing for the kids to be around. Anyone face anything like this.

[txwannabemom]

I think you should cross post this in special needs, foster/adopt and general adoptive parent support.
I wish I knew how to help. I can only imagine how confusing/frustrating this must be.

[Boulderbabe]

Here's a possible compromise:

What about saying, "We feel that because of her issues right now, an open adoption isn't a good idea for the kids. But we know that people grow and change, and we hope she'll work things out. So we're willing to exchange cards and photos every year at Christmas via the agency. If, down the road, it sounds like she's in a better place, we'd consider opening things up slowly."

It's likely that she'll send a card or two and then vanish. But this holds the door open for a really positive open relationship if, by some grace of God, she pulls things together.

[Jensboys]

I agree -- if the kids have had ongoing contact with her, her being completely cut off is probably not in their best interests. We have found our kids have had questions they wanted answered, and wanted to know their first mom was ok. Contact allows you to know if there are future siblings being born, if she is doing well, if she is incarcerated, if she dies etc. You could offer a picture and letter exchange, with the possibility of a visit when the kids request it down the road. (for example, our 13 year old asked to see/meet his first family this summer, his 12 year old full sibling chose not to).

I think there is really nothing to lose with safe contact (letter exchange, photos) and the opportunity for you to develop a relationship with her that will help your kids as they grow up.

[irelady10]

txwannabe...your signature is very unique! except for the horrible family death part, it made me chuckle!