[irelady10]

My foster son's birthparent agreed to an identified surrender to me today...I am so happy! They want to see the baby, though (they have not seen in since he was a few days old- they never carried through on visitation). I think this is an okay thing. What are other's opinions about this? They alse requested occasional visits/updates on the baby. I am very okay with updates; also, if it is in the baby's best interest, some visits. This would be up to me after I adopt him; NJ doesn't have open adoption. What are the views on adopted children knowing their birthparents? Is it confusing to them. Is it in their best interest? I think, now anyway, that his birth family is part of who he is, and I should honor this. They cannot parent him, but they love him and agreed to the surrender to ensure he stays in a stable home where he is very much loved. I would very much appreciate any views/feedback! Thanks

[BrandyHagz]

I was raised in an open adoption with full contact with my maternal birth family members all of my life and I never had any confusion.

For me, I felt it helped me answer questions I see posted so often by adoptees here on the forums.

Of course, I can't speak about closed adoption (no contact) as I have no personal experinece with that...all I can say is that my first hand personal experience (as well as second hand personal experience, I am also a first mom in OA) has been mostly positive. There have been ups and downs, as with any normal relationship.

[karen1234]

We have an open adoption with our daughter's bio parents. So far it has gone very well and I feel it is the right thing for everyone right at this time. We adopted M in December and have had 4 visits with bio parents. We have an adoption agreement but it is not legally binding. We have actually done more than we agreed to because we feel the visits have gone well and we get along well with the bios. Our daughter (who is 2 and came to us when she was 14 months old) just started calling her bio parents by their first names at the last visit. It is nothing we pushed but just what happened. She just sees them as some other friends we visit I think. We take it one visit at a time and as long as the visits go well we will continue with them.

[c.a]

I have an open adoption agreement with two visits per year and I send two letters with pictures per year. My son was placed with me at 11 months and adopted at two years old. We have had one post adoption visit and it was a little awkward at first, but fine.

Every situation is different and only you can decide what is right for your family. For me, it is easier to keep his bio mom in the periphery of his life than to have to hunt her down when he has questions fifteen years from now. Also I thought of this: when he is fifteen and says to me, "Did my bio mom ever want to visit me?" I could see that there were two answers I could give him: (1) "She wanted visits, but I said no" or (2) "She wanted visits, we agreed and . . . " In the first scenario, I take his bio mother away from him. In the second, I give her the opportunity to be in his life and she . . . (however the future goes, but the relationship is in her hands, not mine).

I think that the first scene is how I want to build my relationship with my son. I will be open to all possibilities in his life and help him sort through the good and the bad. Ultimately his relationship with his bio mom will be his choice - if I cut her off now, I am making the choice for him.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

[karen1234]

c.a.- I love the way you put that and agree 100% with your thoughts on keeping contact with bio parents. I may need to use some of your comments to help explain to friends and family why we feel that continuing some contact with our daughters bio family is important. Thank you.

[TxMom65]

I adopted from foster care and if there were any way we could have had an open adoption, I would have.

[Robbin]

Our now 6 yr old came to us at 13 months (and has been adopted for 4 yrs now). Bio mom had/has major MH problems and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals for the year we had him in foster care. She did not sign for the adoption, but she did not contest it either. She had our phone number during foster care, and we told her she could call us afterwards. So, in the past four years, she has called an average of two or three times a year (and X-Mas and B-day). I have HIM call her on Mother's Day. Twice a year she asks for a visit and I always ask my son, do you want to have a visit with Deb, your birth mom? He always says yes, but I still want to give him the choice, and we arrange to meet at a McDonald's at a midway point (she lives about an hour and a half from us). The last visit in March she brought her 15 month old baby (even though 3 of her kids were put up for adoption, a different county let her keep this last one) and told us we could take the baby for a weekend visit whenever we wanted b/c she wanted the brothers to know each other. My 6 yr old was sooooo excited about that. We took the baby for a weekend in June, and it went well. Actually, the baby seemed very healthy, developmentally on target, and pretty well cared for, probably b/c this dad is involved and focused on caring for this baby (all of which I shared with my adoption worker with whom I've maintained a relationship). I ALWAYS refer to her as "your birth mother, Deb" and when he seemed unsure of what to call her, I suggested he call her Deb.

As long as things go along like this, I am fine with it. If he wants some more contact with her as he gets older, I'll probably be okay with it to a certain extent, as long as her MH issues are under control.

On the OTHER hand, our 9 yr old adopted daughter has major issues (ADHD, ODD, Post Traumatic, RAD, autism spectrum, etc.) and I feel that visiting with bio mom might cause her to act out more than she already does. Bio mom is allowed to write to her, she sends a card every 6-8 weeks (always addressed to me so that I can monitor appropriateness). Believe it or not, she lives about 5 blocks from us!!! While our daughter is in a theraputic after school/summer school program, I've initiated the process to get her an individual therapist so that we can explore how potential visits would affect her because she has indicated that she would like a visit (probably b/c adopted bro gets them!).

Her 15 year old half sister has our permission, (and we've even "nudged" her) to visit with their mom, but she says she has no desire to, and has even avoided her when she sees her in public (the local mall, the 4th of July parade). Bio mom did not physically or emotionally abuse the girls, but she is high functioning MR with some MH issues and unable to parent.

I would definitely recommend open adoption. While PA does NOT have it, we "practice" it. Just remember, YOU are the parent, and you should be in control of it, on whatever terms you are comfortable with.

[thanksgivingmom]

[quote=c.a] Ultimately his relationship with his bio mom will be his choice - if I cut her off now, I am making the choice for him.
QUOTE]

I absolutely LOVE that you said this because I often hear the argument going the other direction. As in, "ultimately his relationship with his bio mom will be his choice, so when he wants to make it he can."

When in reality its a job as a parent to make choices before our children are able. I think your perspective rocks!

[LoViN_LiFe]

Id say it depends on the situation. Our lil princess...came to us at 4months. Her bio-parents rights were terminated (unwilling) this past march. She is now 22 months old and has not seen them since her removal. They were both deemed "unfit to parent" by a therapist. Both suffer from severe drug and alcohol addiction. Bio-dad has bio-mom and another woman pregnant...we have elected NOT to have an open-relationship with them. It is NOT in our childs best interest to be around them. I did make them each scrap-books of her first birthday, Christmas, a few other special days...and they will get after we sign. My daugther will always know that she is adopted and I have pics of both bio-parents I will share with her, but visits will not be an option. When she is older...if she wants to meet them then we will do everything we can to set something up. I just dont think she would be safe if we were to allow them visits!

[Boulderbabe]

This is a very individual thing, and it depends VERY much on the people involved. My son's bparents are also addicts. But we have openness with his bmom, and not his bdad. Bmom struggles to maintain her sobriety, and she's parenting two other kids. She works on keeping contact with us, and even though she has serious problems, I believe she's a good hearted person who wants what's best for our son. She has worked very hard to build a relationship with me, and I really appreciate that.

My son's bdad is still using, is in and out of jail for violent acts, and has never taken the time to so much as call me, even though I left my cell number with his probation officer (and know for a fact that he got it). So hey, his choice.

IMHO, you get out of open adoption what you put into it. If everybody involved isn't willing to go put in a lot of effort and to cut each other a LOT of slack in building a relationship around the child, it's not good. But with hard work and a willing heart, it can be great.

[irelady10]

I'm so conflicted! My FS's birthparents also are addicts. They agreed to an identified surrender only to change their mind the next day. Biodad is insisting that his mom wants the baby, but she does not feel she can care for the baby because she is not in good health; however, she is afraid to tell her son this. I'm worried that he is not a safe person, so do I want the baby to visit with him if/when he is my forever son? I guess I don't need to make any decisions yet, and will just wait to see how things play themselves out.

[Boulderbabe]

It's not something that you have to decide today, and it's not something that you have to ever decide once and forever. First of all, I would completely and totally oppose any kind of legally enforceable visitation. Parents in the foster care system are not the same as birthparents in domestic private adoptions, so the paradigms that work for their situations don't necessarily work for ours. People who have had their children taken away by the state are people in crisis who almost always lack stability in their lives. Particularly when addiction is involved, they tend to get either dramatically worse or dramatically better, and you will need the flexibility to respond to those changes. (Look at my son's parents: his bmom has gotten a LOT better, and his bdad has gotten a lot worse---but if we'd written an agreement the day of the termination, Dad would be having visits once a week and mom would get nothing.)

So---sign NOTHING. You can tell the social workers or the court that you're generally open to communication and visitation (if you are), but that you need the right to respond to your son's emotional needs and his bparents' conditions.

Then, after the adoption, you can play it by ear. The only rule I'd give you is that it's a LOT easier to increase contact than it is to restrict it, so go verrrrry slooowwwly. Start with letters, then maybe go to phone calls for a really long time. If the bparents are consistent, if they do what they say they will, if they don't disappear, if they seem to be getting more sober and more safe, you can talk about visitation.

[MilehighDad]

I think we have a very different prospective than most on this posting because we met our adopted daughter when she was 14, and she lived with her family until she was 11. That aside, the current "professional opinion" from the adopion community is that there can never be too many people that love a child. Using that logic, birth parents and other relatives can be great for adopted kids, even if they come from foster care. We have tried to honor that thinking, but it is difficult. The problem is the "can be great" part of that statement. They can also be a royal pain in the neck and can cause additional trauma and heartache for your kids.

So, you are the parent now and you have to do whatever is best for your child. Breaking bonds to people that still love them and want to be a part of their lives is not good, but allowing them to be hurt and manipulated is not good either. And, since they are from foster care, the birthparents start with a record of having hurt their kids, so be very careful.

I can't begin to tell the story of our interaction with our daughter's birthfamily, it is too long, but I can say that when she moved in with us she had no ties to the past, no pictures, no contact, no idea where they had all gone, or even if they were alive. Now, four years later she has some baby pictures, some pictures from when she was growing up, has talked to her sister, and gets birthday cards from her great-grandfather. Those things might seem trivial, but they have helped her to cope with the past and relieved her anxiety about the welfare of her siblings and extended family. It has not been all good, either, she has been hurt and rejected, which she didn't need. But all-in-all, it has been worth contacting her family, and all we can do is what we think is best, then react and change the plan if necessary.

Not sure if this helps or not, but I just wanted to acknowledge that there are no simple or easy answers. Foster kids don't come from simple or easy lives. Just do your best for them,
Good luck!!!

[Emmesmom]

My situation is somewhat different. I had my FD since she was 3 days old and lost her when she was 5 1/2 months. I was devasted as I had to pack her up two hours after the hearing. Her birthparents want me to stay involved, even keep her overnight on the weekend. I am jumping at this to see her and hold her again, but scared it will be to hard to drop her off again. Especially if the home is in a rough neighborhood and she dosen't have as much room to move around in in her home. My emotions are definately on a roller coaster. Anyone ever visited with a child after they were returned to the birth family?

[kayb]

Emmesmom - yes, a friend had fs birth to age 2. fs went to aunt. now fs comes back to friends 2 weekends a month. Now aunt is haivng problems. fs is now 5 yrs and aunt is asking if fs can come live @ friend full-time. Things work out crazy sometimes.