[MassachusettsMom]

Through a bizarre twist, our FS's case has gone from "no chance of winning TPR" to offering bparents an open adoption. (Although no guarantee they will take it.)

The atty has said that if they accept, we'll probably end up with two visits per year. But he is giving us the opportunity to add our own requests to the agreement.

So--those of you living in open adoptions, what advice do you have for us? Any particular clauses? Involve extended family? Logistics?

We want what is best for our FS, but also realize we'll have to live with this for 17 more years.

[sonia1959]

We are very happy with our open adoption, our baby birthgrandma see her 1 a month and call twice a month, and her birth-sister was adopted by relatives and they also see our baby 1 a month, we have a nice relationship with them, we are going to meet our baby brother next week, his adoptive parents are very nice, they are relatives also. So far it is been good. Hope it last.

[lahdh4]

[quote=MassachusettsMom]
The atty has said that if they accept, we'll probably end up with two visits per year. But he is giving us the opportunity to add our own requests to the agreement.
QUOTE]

Trying to understand why your atty is setting up the number of visits and not you. but anyway......
You can put in as much as you want. Keep it at a minimum and work from there. You will send photos x times a year, visits x times a year, where visits will be if there are logistics to work out, etc.

[Mkuhlmann06]

If you will be agreeing to visits in writing (which I don't know if this is a good thing), then I would give yourself an "out". Put something like if she doesn't show up for a visit, or displays inappropriate behavior at any given time/visit, then you no longer have to do visits... or you will cancel visits for one year. Just some kind of caveat in case something turns sour.

[MassachusettsMom]

Maybe this is a separate question, but part of my concern about the way this open adoption thing seems to be going is that it seems that DSS is using it as a way to short-circuit the TPR process. I don't want our FS to be returned to what we have been told is an unsafe birthfamily, but it also doesn't feel right to be negotiating an open adoption agreement based on what the bparents want, rather than what is in the best interest of our FS. And I'm feeling pressure to agree to more than I'm really comfortable with because if I don't, then we might loose at TPR and he'll get sent back.

[circap]

we have been told the same about giving yourself an "out"...like if you are mailing photos/cards/letters and you get two back with no forwarding address, agreement is cancelled and void; same for any visits or calls.
From what I was told, most will have an issue and after a period of time you will not have to worry about it.
Haven't experienced it myself though and I am trying to stay away from it if possible.

[AKMama]

The wording in our agreement was kept very open and puts us in controll. We don't have a set number of visits or cards per year. If the birthparents want to have contact with the children (and contact does not have to be in person, it can be letters, calls, pictures, etc.) they need to make arrangements with us in advance and we can decline as long as we have a resonable excuse and it's in the best interest of the children. We were advised to not get too specific as far as number of visits or letters per year unless it was something we were willing to live with until age 18, which, like you, is a long ways away. I definitly agree with the "out" clause or some kind of wording that puts you in control of the contact. 17 years is long time and a lot can happen.

I can also relate to the feeling of being pressured to agree to the wording even if you're not comfortable with it. We were in a similar situation where we felt like we had to agree so the birthparents would sign voluntary relinquishments so we wouldn't have to go to TPR and could wrap the case up faster. Basically, we were told the parents were willing to accept this agreement and sign relinquishments so just go along with it, and we were given almost no time to really think things through. From the lawyer, it seemed like, well, we're heading to court in an hour this is good wording so lets just all agree and get this over with.

I guess my advice is to really think about what you are willing to agree to and try not to settle if you think it's not in your FS's best interest. Don't let the birthparents controll the contact because if you adopt him, then you are his parents and you'll know what is best for him, not them. You've certainly been through a lot of ups and downs recently. The unknown and uncertainty is so hard. Sending you big hugs and hoping this all works out for you soon.

[momagain5]

hi,i am confused,who is telling you there is no chance parents will be tpr ed?if they have done what the court requires and the courts may give them back the children,why is adoption being discussed?if bparents are likely to be tpr ed,they may chose to sign relinquishments as this is a chance they may have future contact.our sons bparets would both have been tpred,bmom decided right before court to sign,and we verbally agreed to limited contact.you set the terms for this,what you feel is best for your child,not what bparents want.do not be pushed into something you are not comfortable both.if bparents rights are terminated they no longer have any rights to contact with the children.

[MassachusettsMom]

I am confused as well. The TPR trial is proceeding and we get mixed reports on whether the judge is likely to terminate or not. If the judge does terminate, then there is no contact after our adoption is finalized? I was under the impression that if the judge terminated, then she would also render a decision on future contact. But what MomAgain5 wrote makes more sense--why would bparents voluntarily relinquish if they're going to get the same thing after TPR anyway?

[TxMom65]

We had the same (almost) situation with our daughter. She was 7 when we started the process and a family member came from nowhere. It was a distant aunt that she never knew and the child had been in care for several years.

The social worker thought if the aunt was offered an open adoption she would back off of pursuing custody. I was willing to agree to almost anything at the time, and I don't think the aunt was a threat.

If it had been the birthparents, who had harmed and neglected her, I would have tried to word it where it was almost impossible for them to see her. Any sign of drug or alcohol abuse, any arrests, ect and all visits would cease.

Open adoption in foster care is so different than open adoption where an adoption plan is made during the pregnancy.

[takingtheplunge]

I also know FM who was encouraged to offer "open adoption" to the bio family. The case plan was complete, but CPS still wanted to recommend TPR. CPS knew judge probably wouldn't, so they told FM to arrange some visits, get buddy-buddy and offer open adoption. It's a game. If you take away someone's kid, they will fight. If you give them the option to entrust their care with someone else, they might bite, realizing that really it's for the best.

Good luck with your terms. Don't give them your address. Always meet somewhere neutral within x amount of miles from your residence (remember you or they might move)

[dpen6]

I am assuming that these are cases of neglect and abuse?

[RobinKay]

Keep it simple. Letter and picture twice a year, Christmas and kid's birthday.

[Boulderbabe]

I think there's probably less to be afraid of than you think. If they family isn't totally over the line inappropriate (like sex offenders), short visits and letters, etc., don't really seem to do much harm, and they can do a lot of good in terms of keeping the kid from intense feelings of loss and abandonment.

I think it is important to specify a few things:
--Who can attend visits (name names, so that new boyfriends and girlfriends or damaging relatives don't get in on this)

--What the penalties are if they are a no-show at a scheduled visit without informing you first (no visits for a year, no more visits, something like that).

--What the penalties are if they show up intoxicated or behave inappropriately (no more visits).

--What happens if they fail to give you a valid phone number and/or address to contact them at.


My own experience has been that if you are generous with them, you'll do a few visits and phone calls in the first year, and then things will drop off. In the six or eight cases that I can think of off hand that i know personally, most of the time it's the bfamily that eventually drifts off.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by MassachusettsMom

I am confused as well. The TPR trial is proceeding and we get mixed reports on whether the judge is likely to terminate or not. If the judge does terminate, then there is no contact after our adoption is finalized? I was under the impression that if the judge terminated, then she would also render a decision on future contact. But what MomAgain5 wrote makes more sense--why would bparents voluntarily relinquish if they're going to get the same thing after TPR anyway?

Because in general, there are no mandated visits after a TPR. If the bfamily thinks that they're going to lose TPR, they are often willing to relinquish instead in exchange for an open adoption.